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Porn, my body, my boyfriend, etc.


Ugly Star
My Boyfriend Thinks I Don't Lov...
My Boyfriend Thinks I Don't Love Him (Here's Why and What to Do)

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Ok, so my boyfriend watches porn. Has watched it since he hit puberty. He's 24 now. I'm 20. He's my first boyfriend.

 

You see, I've always been the insecure type, especially regarding my face and body, because ever since I was a little girl, people made fun of me and called me ugly. As a teenager it got worse, being rejected by boys and all. I was quite outgoing and nice; boys just weren't into my looks (they all went out with gorgeous yet airheaded and conceited girls).

 

I've always been the insecure type. But for over a year and a half, I didn't care if my boyfriend watched porn or not. I was aware that he probably did, but I didn't care. Hell, I was a bit fatter back then and I didn't care. I didn't know his preferences though (like he prefers big boobs over small, on thin bodies). And I'm a bit chubby with small breasts.

 

But around half a year ago, I started becoming anxious about my body and his porn use. And I don't know why now? I haven't gone through any drastic changes in my body, I mean, if anything I've just lost a bit of weight. Yet I've become increasingly aware of how porn stars are much sexier and more attractive than me. How their bodies are his fantasy: slim and big boobs, everything I'm not! And now every girl I see on campus who meets this criteria, I envy. I envy all of them, porn stars included. I don't envy their lifestyle - not at all, I envy their looks, their bodies. They look a thousand times better than me!

 

Now it's got to the point where he can sense my anxiety when we have sex. I dread being naked in front of him. He's told me that yes these women are indeed sexier and have the ideal bodies that most men, him included, like best. He says that doesn't matter though, that he loves me, etc. But it still upsets the crap out of me that he finds THEM more attractive and has fantasies with them.

 

Maybe I don't get it because I never have these kind of fantasies, nor do I read romance novels, or drool over any actor. I don't know, I just don't get that urge.

 

And now I know that looks are indeed important, and it's not that looks don't matter. This is an excerpt of a comment I found in some web discussion:

 

"To answer your question, about why men would turn to porn is that the TRUTH is, MOST women do not look nearly as attractive as the women in porn. Some men have very attractive wives, and still may want porn just for the very nature some of the other men posters indicated. Most men need an outlet in that department. That’s just the way it is. Don’t try to change it, otherwise, you might need to look in the mirror and figure out what you should change about yourselves to make us happier…but I’m guessing you wouldn’t want to do that, huh? Why try that with men?

 

In today’s society, feminists work so hard to change the ’self-image’ of women that tells them they don’t need to be skinny, that many women today let themselves go. and then they just expect that men, who’s nature is based on physical beauty, should just accept it. Well, what do you expect? I’m not suggesting that women should be supermodel skinny. I personally think that’s crazy, and very unhealthy. but so is weighing 165 lbs at 5′5, not to mention unattractive. "

 

That was written by a man.

 

Now I feel so inferior and embarrassed about my body, I don't know what to do! I feel so unattractive. Like I can cater to his emotional and companionship needs, but now I feel like why try to even compete with the images of perfection he lusts over, especially if men seek physical beauty and variety above all, when it comes to sex?

 

Argh, I feel like I'm some nut-case now who sounds pathetic and hopeless! Help, what can I do? I hate that he looks at women who are more attractive... I'm sure if he could make me look like that, he would do it in a second, as he himself said "they have his ideal body type".

 

I know it's my problem though, and that he's just a completely normal male. That only makes me feel worse. Like I'm abnormal or something. I'll never be the beautiful woman I've always yearned to be, ever since I was a child, because there will always be images of sexier women around. I just want to cry! And I feel so stupid for caring about this... and that only makes me feel worse, knowing there are girls out there who DIG porn, who would make much better girlfriends!

 

 

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i'm sorry but i think that your boyfriend is a jerk for saying that those women are sexier. Not all porn stars are good looking...most of had a ton of work done ex. boob jobs, liposuction, etc. I mean, part of their job is to work out and starve themselves, have fake big boobs, and have sex with people. But just because they have had work done on them, doesn't mean that they are better than you in any way.

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Whoa slow your roll sweetie, don't cry. I can only imagine how hard this is on you, but you need to take a minute and breathe. So these women have amazing bodies, half of it is probably airbrushed, and those big boobs, yeah those babies are fake.

 

You my friend are a woman, a real woman, a real woman with curves. Your body is your own. If you choose to work out and sculpt it and tone it, go for it. Go and be healthy, but do it for you. Not to be like some image that honestly does not exist.

 

Maybe its time for a real one on one with the bf. Make a game about it, list all of the things that you love and find sexy about one another, then spend some time focusing on just those things.

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I've noticed that society has had a major effect on girls self esteem, but hoenstly your not as bad as you think. Yes, supermodels are attractive but if I had to choose I'd much rather have someone who is more normal who is sweet and has a great personality. Attraction isn't all physical, and looks are deinately not everything. But if it still bothers you that he watches it maybe you could discuss it with him and let him know how you feel.

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i find women in porn ugly. i don't understand how fake boobs can be sexy. they're so unnatural looking!! but it is what it is... im sure my body isn't ideal either and while we want to be seen as such by our s/o... sometimes, not everything about us fits the 'ideal' category for our partner (and vice versa!). the good outweighs the bad, sort of thing. you might just be focused on the wrong thing.

 

he was dumb to admit that to you, and slightly insensitive... but guys sometimes don't understand the pressure that we women face. (biased, yes, i know, but thats my personal opinion). i don't think he was a jerk on purpose. getting angry about it is counter-productive. don't go down that path. focus on the fact that he does indeed love you, why else is he with you?

 

how is the rest of the relationship?

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I agree, he is a jerk.

Women in porn are unrealistic, and like faithful14 said, they have had a ton of work done to make them look that good.

 

It's rude enough for either person in the relationship to watch porn, but never mind telling you that the women are more beautiful than you, that really takes the cake.

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Welcome to ENA...

 

First of all you need to stop reading articles like that. You're just giving yourself ammo against yourself and putting false stereotypes into your head.

 

Secondly you need to love yourself(easier said than done, right?). But seriously not many men like the emaciated hooker look.

 

Your BF shouldn't be confirming your suspicions although he also shouldn't be validating your insecurities. So bottom line don't ask questions like "is this girl prettier than me" unless you expect a lie or the truth(which it doesn't seem like you want either). So just don't ask questions like that. I know its hard not to scratch the monkey on your shoulder that is your bruised image of yourself.

 

Personally when I look at porn I like looking at average girls of average weight. I don't like the big balooned boobies with the 20 inch waists. It's not how woman are and I like to pleasure myself to real looking woman. And I know im not alone in this category.

 

Your boyfriend is with you for a reason. Unless you think hes just settling, and then if you really thought that you probably wouldn't be with him.

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Try to remember this: No matter what you look like, there will ALWAYS be women more attractive than you. I'm sure even the porn stars are envious of some other women that they wish they looked more like. They see some sort of flaw in their body, even if you don't see it.

 

Now another thought. If you truly aren't happy with your appearance, than work to improve it. Wake up a little earlier & run a few times a week. Eat healthier foods more, junk food less. I have no idea what your body type is, but you can be in the average, healthy weight range and look good. You don't have to be skinny, just in shape and healthy. Go to a hair salon with the younger women who know how to give you a good haircut with current trends. Get a makeup lesson at Younkers. If you want to improve your looks, figure it out. Those women don't look like they do naturally.

 

And finally, how does your boyfriend match up? I imagine he probably isn't Vin Diesel's look-alike. Why do you have to look perfect for him and he doesn't have to look perfect for you? Why should you feel insecure for not looking like a porn star when he doesn't, either?

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The rest of the relationship is good. We have tons of things in common. That's why I wouldn't leave him.

 

I've met such jerks, that honestly, he's so great next to them. But it seems that guys around here are so fixated with porn star bodies, maybe because I know mostly young guys who grew up with the Internet.

 

I don't know why that's the ideal body type. What's so much better about big breasts on thin bodies? What? Why can't other bodies be ideal? I mean regardless of whether they're fake or not, they look good. And that's what guys care about; they don't care if they're fake, otherwise they wouldn't masturbate over that.

 

 

 

I know I sound so pathetic.

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I agree with the others in saying that your boyfriend's comments are inappropriate and you should talk to him about that.

 

Part of the "job" of a boyfriend or girlfriend is to make the other person feel good about themselves, to make them feel wanted and loved and desirable. Your boyfriend is failing at his job. You should let him know how he is making you feel, it may be that he is just too immature to see it for himself.

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But what about my breasts? I can't naturally grow breasts, and I'm not willing to risk my life getting surgery.

 

And also, I don't expect him to look like the male-stereotype, because honestly, I like normal looking guys better. I don't know, I'm just not that kind of girl who drools over guys like Vin Diesel or Brad Pitt. I like natural looking men, a bit of a beer-belly and with all their body hair doesn't hurt you know... it's sexy. Makes them look like men.

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you know what hon? you got to realize that you are the prize! you know you have way more to offer than just your looks. If you're looks are all you have, you won't get far in life. If that's all you can offer someone, well then attention is going to be short lived. Don't compare yourselves with other women because everyone is different. I've seen the some of the pornos my boyfriend has watched and i used to get jealous but not anymore. I don't see it attractive that a girl with a 10 inch waist and 36DD's bouncing on some guy. It's not natural or in proportion to the girls body. gross!

 

If your insecure about the way you look, then work on yourself. Eat better and work out more but only do it for yourself. It's more of an accomplishment when you can look at yourself and say "i worked really hard to get the body i wanted and i did it on my own." But most importantly, realize that you have a lot more to offer than just your looks and if your boyfriend can't see that, then he's a loser.

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But what about my breasts? I can't naturally grow breasts, and I'm not willing to risk my life getting surgery.

 

And also, I don't expect him to look like the male-stereotype, because honestly, I like normal looking guys better. I don't know, I'm just not that kind of girl who drools over guys like Vin Diesel or Brad Pitt. I like natural looking men, a bit of a beer-belly and with all their body hair doesn't hurt you know... it's sexy. Makes them look like men.

 

Wear a padded bra? Yeah, there's not much you can do about your boobs. But most guys are just happy to see them and touch them that matching exactly what their preference in size is turns out to be less important.

 

So you are happy with a normal- looking man but aren't happy being a normal-looking woman? Try to see this double standard you are holding yourself to. Yeah, I'm sure logically you can see it but accepting it is another story. But try.

 

Tell your bf you don't want to see him watching porn because it makes you insecure. And stop asking him questions like if he thinks they are sexier than you unless you feel like shooting yourself in the foot.

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First of all, I dont think that your bf's comments were inappropriate. You admit that you are insecure and that you have been for a while. Your first step is that you need to seek help for your insecurity and hopefully find a way where you can be comfortable in your own skin. No matter who a person is, there will always be others who look better, are more in shape and have bigger attributes. You need to realize that you are not in competition with the women in porn, supermodels, actresses or any other female out there. Your bf is not in a relationship with any of these other women and he is in a relationship with you for a reason.

 

Rather than blaming his words or actions you havent stated how you plan or planned to combat your own insecurity issues. First start with what you are in control of and that is how you feel about yourself then you can look to the causes that provoke your insecurity.

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  • 2 weeks later...

First of all, what a sad name to give yourself! "Ugly Star"? You're not ugly; I don't even know you and I can say that with confidence. Your beauty comes through in the honesty, the passion, and the emotion of your writing. How will you ever overcome these insecurities if you continue to support them? If you continue to celebrate them? For make no mistake, a name like that is a sad, self-defeating celebration of all that hurts you. You want to be beautiful, and to be acknowledged as such? Be pro-active! Be an ally to yourself! Think of yourself as the brave, strong, real woman that you are - not the flaws that you believe your body to posses. Don't allow these hurt, small, sad feelings to hijack your personality; it does you - the real you - a grave disservice, and serves only to feed the very problem that wounds you.

 

Now I feel so inferior and embarrassed about my body, I don't know what to do! I feel so unattractive. Like I can cater to his emotional and companionship needs, but now I feel like why try to even compete with the images of perfection he lusts over, especially if men seek physical beauty and variety above all, when it comes to sex?

 

Let me share my opinion on this. Take what resonates with you and ignore the rest. These are just one man's thoughts on the matter.

 

You're giving your boyfriend too much power over your self-esteem, and simultaneously, too much responsibility over your happiness. Your beauty is not a function of his perceiving it. You are not ugly because one person fails to see that beauty. His opinion of your looks should not define your own sense of power, and your own sense of attractiveness. Those qualities arise within you, and should be likewise recognized and celebrated within you.

 

Do not confuse your body-image with your self-image. Our bodies are full of flaws; we age, with wrinkle, we sag, and in time, we die. We own our bodies, and we love them; but we own them, not the other way around! You (and your beauty) are much more than the sum of your body's attributes, 'Star. You are a lively, emotional, deep young woman - and that beauty is utterly distinct and transcendent from your physicality. Celebrate it. As it stands you are ignoring all of the good, all the beautiful in you, in favor of beating yourself up over the perception of others. It's not necessary, and it's not fair to you.

 

Our partners are people, not merely bodies. The beauty of this person is the most vital beauty there can be for us. You have that beauty in spades, 'Star. Acknowledge it. Spend some time talking yourself up, instead of grinding yourself down. Spend some time making your happiness a responsibility you own, instead of delegating that power out to your boyfriend - or to the remembered words of silly boys in the past.

 

You have more control and more power over your happiness than you realize, 'Star. I hope that some part of my post was able to shine a light on that for you. I wish you well. Take care.

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I can relate I have been with my b/f for 3 years at the beginning I was like that . I had b/f's before him but was never in love with them i know how hard it is coping but have a talk with him ask him what he likes bout you and concentrate on that. My b/f and I had this discussion a million times men will always look at porn no matter how drop dead gorgeous or ugly you are it is in their nature and you know what let him because better that he masturbates to a computer and that he fantasizes then him cheating. But if you are uncomfortable with the way you look change for yourself no one else because if he leaves and you are someone you don't want to be or you get something permanently done for him than it will all be a waste. Good luck Hope I helped some.Honestly if you change what you don't like about yourself you will feel alot better but do it for yourself.Also if he doesn't make you feel beautiful in your own special category than he is not worth it .

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Sigh... I know I can be stubborn and all. I honestly don't know WHY I'm so insecure. I don't have "childhood issues" or anything of that sort, as a matter of fact I have been to therapy for this very problem (insecurity) and it was futile!

 

The funny thing is, he says I'm hot. And when he sees me in my underwear he goes and grabs me and starts kissing me. It's like he wants me, badly. But I don't know if he just does it because I feel insecure. But I KNOW what he thinks of these other women and it just ruins it for me.

 

Last night, for instance, I was feeling quite confident. We went over with some friends to the beach, because we had to play a gig (we have a band). We were having some beer and the girlfriend of one of the guys was talking about how some strippers at this club in our town are HOT. Like LAVA hot. But how they work as hookers too if enough money is involved. My boyfriend was listening to it paying lots of attention and making jokes about it, etc. It made me mad, because I know that, being a man, he would go there at the blink of an eye if only to ogle the eye candy. Because most strip clubs in our town have just fat girls who strip... but this is a classier venue and so they have the best looking girls. And the way he was paying attention to the story, well I don't know. I just felt my average body and knew that in his eyes, I just wouldn't compare physically next to one of those strippers.

 

Today I saw last night pictures, and, granted, I look like hell. I hate my man-jaw. I hate that I looked so fat in what I was wearing. I hate that too. He's jealous also, and hates it if I wear skimpy outfits, 'cause other guys may eye me up. But the thing is, I wear skimpy outfits in public only because they make me look thinner and because 90% of the girls around us wear skimpy clothes so I can't just sit there dressed like a nun and let him ogle! I have to compete. I just can't have a thousand girls practically naked around him and just sit there passively dressed with a ton of clothes. But last night I wore those clothes... it was cold though, but there were girls who despite the cold were dressed in skimpy clothes. I wasn't. I was wearing a lot of clothes, and I looked FAT. And my man-jaw and hyper high cheek bones make my face TOO angular... and my low-density hair makes me look un-stylish. And I don't even have cleavage... ugh... I look so ugly in those pics... there's just no hope for me.

 

I don't get why me? Why did I have to get the jealous, insecure gene? Why couldn't I be born confident, resilient, unable to let these images in the media affect me? I suck. I suck because I'm insecure and I'm driving him away. I suck because I fail to ogle other attractive men, to me, he's THE ONLY ONE. I suck, because if I could get some sort of sexual pleasure out of ogling other men, then I would understand how to him it's not a big deal. I suck because I'm insecure and lack confidence, and thus, it makes me one of those "nagging, controlling" types - if I had to somehow date myself, I'd dump me in a heartbeat.

 

Sometimes I hate myself more for being insecure than for being ugly

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And even through all of the insecurity you just posted here, you have a man who loves you. Who grabs you when you are in your underwear and kisses you because he is turned on by you.

 

No matter what at the end of the night, your man is not going home with the strippers, he is going home with you.

 

He thinks you are hot. Other men think you are hot. He gets jealous because he doesnt like the idea of other men looking at you in skimpy clothes because he wants you. So if he is wanting that, obviously you are not failing at attracting the attentions of other men. Besides, why would you want that when you have such a man at home who loves you and is attracted to you -just the way you are?

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"I suck because I fail to ogle other attractive men, to me, he's THE ONLY ONE. I suck, because if I could get some sort of sexual pleasure out of ogling other men, then I would understand how to him it's not a big deal. I suck because I'm insecure and lack confidence, and thus, it makes me one of those "nagging, controlling" types - if I had to somehow date myself, I'd dump me in a heartbeat."

 

^I feel the same way. Maybe you should try exploring your own desires! Screw it, you're too busy wondering how he sees you and what he thinks of other people...you don't even know what you like and want.

 

Try to intentionally not care what he's doing or thinking and start looking at some pictures or videos, yourself. Give some different kinds a try, maybe you'll realize that you like something... maybe you have a foot fetish and you don't even know it? (Okay, sorry that was random haha...and no, i don't have one )

 

Maybe he'll get jealous and start to understand.

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I asked a man once what he felt my best feature was and he told me. Now, I realize this is entirely subjective on his part but dang, he said my hair! LOL

 

He could have said my nose and I would have been happy. He could have said my ears and I would have laughed it off, but my hair?

 

I was nude when I asked him and I turned around slowly to help him decide.

 

Some people have no idea how to make nice, absolutely none. I think your bf might be one of those people.

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Yeah, I guess he might not be very sensitive. I've been feeling a bit better, at least I've been able to ignore it. I still feel awful that we haven't had time to have sex, so I know he's been using porn.

 

I guess I'm getting used to this. Maybe I'm on the right path? I haven't thought about it as much. It's still there, but it's not as upsetting.

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