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"Letters to My Ex" Personal Journal


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I have been having nightmares every night that my ex fiance is either marrying, having sex, or having babies with his co-worker! I have no evidence that they are even interested in each other at all at this point, but for some reason my mind keeps conjuring up these images.

 

In my dreams, I am crying and wailing my heart out because my former mother-in-law-to-be doesn't want me around my ex's babies (that were supposed be mine too). I am trying to get to the babies but they are being sheltered by my ex's family and his co-worker. Yet my ex stands there sympathetically looking at me like he wishes he could be with me, but he "can't."

 

In real life, the rational part of me knows he still loves me, but that he doesn't want to be with me.

 

In order to deal with this state of limbo, I have decided to keep a journal of letters written to him, expressing my thoughts and feelings as I let go of him. I have been feeling rather lonely and in need of close companionship (casual friendships are not cutting it for me and this is really the first time in my life where I feel like I don't have a close friend).

 

It sounds kind of silly---like an imaginary friend---but I want it to be a place where I can grieve TO my ex without actually having to contact him. Simply talking ABOUT my ex is not the same. I feel like I want to have a place I can talk intimately with him, even though he probably will never see the book.

 

We used to write letters to each other in small notebooks and exchange the notebooks when we were a couple. I think he still has them. If we ever got back together one day, I would show him, but for now I'm not counting on it.

 

I guess I want to keep a record of my journey during this time...like a "what happened when you were gone" journal. I know some grieving spouses do that after their partner dies. It does feel like my partner died because despite the popularity of my thread "I WISH I COULD BE THE DUMPER," I don't feel spiteful towards my ex all the time. I feel more sad.

 

Actually, I'm surprised that thread was so popular! It's funny how the spiteful threads tend to get a lot of readers (and a lot of defensiveness from the dumpers) but the "nicer" threads don't get as many comments. I guess we are more programmed to respond to the controversial threads.

 

Anyhow, just wanted to share the idea of keeping a journal of letters, notes, and thoughts, "to" our ex. Any one else doing this?

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Actually yes, I have been doing that. There is a link in my profile to a blog I made out of my journal entries. Anyone is welcome to read and comment.

 

At first it was an everyday thing for me to blog about why I was so confused, how things didn't add up, whether or not I was dealing with things the right way, dreams I had... you know, paranoid dumpee stuff. I tried to be as honest in my writing as I could.

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