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Would you keep this going


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For those of you who have been in relationships, if you noticed that your SO was starting to pull away, lose interest in you, not spend as much time with you, etc. (aka you see the writing on the wall about an imminent breakup), would you try to do anything to keep the relationship going? Or would you call it quits? And this is after discussing with the SO about whether there were problems in the relationship, and they told you "no, everything's fine."

 

For a dying relationship, would you go to any lengths to try to rescesutate it, or would you throw in the towel. This is in light of what is going on, and the fact that you love your SO and love having him in your life in ANY extent.

 

I don't like endings. Never did, and will do anything possible to avoid it. I don't think many people are like me though.

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My ex and I kept trying but it was a complete failure. We were pulling apart as we spoke of trying to stay together and work it out. His actions never matched his words, and my hurt was growing so great that I withdrew from him more and more.

 

We tried for nearly 3 years - as hard as it is, I have to say that's a lot of effort and it was time to go.

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In hindsight I would take some time for myself, figure out not only exactly what I want but exactly what would be best for me at this time and focus on that. Usually I have exhausted every possibility before throwing in the towel but I realize now that I've wasted precious time and energy (and done myself tons of damage) when I could have emerged much healthier and less scathed if I had done a thorough self-examination sooner. I let my feelings for the other person cloud my good judgement. That won't be happening again.

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I see.

 

Now I notice one thing about me. I have a high tolerance for pain and rejection it seems.

 

Weird thing is when I see someone is rejecting me, I will hold on and try to carry on, even as the other person is trying to escape. I'd rather have a small shred of someone than nothing.

 

It seems I'd rather hold on even knowing the other person wants out and has subconsciously let me know they wanted out.

 

I'm not sure why I'm like this. Maybe I am truly afraid that if I do let go, the person will leave and never come back.

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I have a hard time ending things too. One of my exes actually behaved so badly that I think he was forcing me to break up with him. It was the only time I ended things with someone. He was really into me one month, than lost all interest the next. Even stared at another woman and commented on her breasts... TO ME, before I realized he was not really relationship material and ended things.

 

I think that you can be TOO loyal to a person, or to the idea of that person. If the reality is that you are not happy in the relationship, you should address that or end it if working on it didn't help. Before you are loyal to someone else, be loyal to you!

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I'm just venturing a guess: you are probably so afraid of having to find another person (due to your shyness, anxiety, and the difficulty you face in social situations) that you try to avoid at ALL costs to have to go through this, to the extend that you rather be in a relationship where the other one wants out than having to face the music so-to-speak

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I used to have a hard time in ending things and letting go easily, now I don't. I think is because I've had a few relationships where I have tried to hang on and I was totally wasting my time.....they all ended regardless of what I tried to do to save it.

 

If I sensed a partner withdrawing.....I would withdraw also and likely just wait for the inevitable to happen. I wouldn't hang around, where I was obviously not wanted anymore. I have way too much pride now.

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I see.

 

Now I notice one thing about me. I have a high tolerance for pain and rejection it seems.

 

Weird thing is when I see someone is rejecting me, I will hold on and try to carry on, even as the other person is trying to escape. I'd rather have a small shred of someone than nothing.

 

It seems I'd rather hold on even knowing the other person wants out and has subconsciously let me know they wanted out.

 

I'm not sure why I'm like this. Maybe I am truly afraid that if I do let go, the person will leave and never come back.

 

 

Wow! I am the total opposite. I tend to freeze everything at any innuendo given that the SO has lost interest.

 

I guess I am really self protective and do NOT deal with rejection well. So in most of my relationships, there are no endings. Just a total cease-fire, LOL.

 

I do not like endings either, but I am fiercely protective of my dignity.

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I see.

 

Now I notice one thing about me. I have a high tolerance for pain and rejection it seems.

 

Weird thing is when I see someone is rejecting me, I will hold on and try to carry on, even as the other person is trying to escape. I'd rather have a small shred of someone than nothing.

 

It seems I'd rather hold on even knowing the other person wants out and has subconsciously let me know they wanted out.

 

I'm not sure why I'm like this. Maybe I am truly afraid that if I do let go, the person will leave and never come back.

I'm the same way. I have friends that walk on me countless times again and again because I just am able to let it all go and forgive them. It's not bad, but at the same time it's not good. I'm allowing them to continue what they are doing, rather than showing them and telling them, 'hey that's not okay, we need to come to an agreement on this or I'm out' or something.

 

I'm in the same position, my boyfriend is being extremely distant, and I'm trying different approaches... First was to try and pull him back, and that backfired because it was obvious he felt pressure and couldn't hold up to, so he pulled away even more. Now I'm just taking things day by day, living MY life and not worrying about HIM constantly. He's an adult, he can handle himself sometimes, he doesn't need me (nor want me) to try to be there for him all the time. I'm not sure if that's what your issue is also, or something entirely different....

 

But, if you feel someone is losing interest in you, don't panic and try to make them be interested cause it won't work. Try to remember what interested him/them in the first place, but don't work yourself up so much trying to be that again. Just remember that no one is (or should be) the centerfold of your life. Nor anything. You don't NEED anybody in order to be happy, or at least not one certain person. It's all a formula, everything has to come together in the right amounts or it won't work. Too much of some things can be a bad thing....... So I don't know if you already are doing this or trying to, but try to be more active with people, events, if you have certain interests no matter how off the wall, find some way to express and build upon those interests.......

 

But..... at the same time.... Don't pull away from your SO also. Do other things and be more independent, but don't ignore them or stop seeing them for these other things, not entirely at least. Because then he'll think you're not interested and stop trying or something.

 

Does any of that even make sense or apply to you?

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I'm just venturing a guess: you are probably so afraid of having to find another person (due to your shyness, anxiety, and the difficulty you face in social situations) that you try to avoid at ALL costs to have to go through this, to the extend that you rather be in a relationship where the other one wants out than having to face the music so-to-speak

 

Yes, I am like this. Currently, I am not in any relationship right now. I am just trying to look back on some things that I may have done wrong in previous relationships.

 

I have a hard time finding someone that when I do, it is monumental for me. If we click well, it is even more astounding for me, to the point that when I see the guy losing interest, I panic and get scared and try to do anything to avoid the inevitable. If I sense someone pulling away, I have learned NOT to cling to someone. I will give space but then I will also let the other person know I am willing to take what he gives me, provided he stay in my life. Then I hope he sticks around.

 

I'm like this with my best friend. No, he doesn't want to leave our freindship but he tends to walk all over me and take advantage of me, but I tolerate him because he means a lot to me.

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Wow! I am the total opposite. I tend to freeze everything at any innuendo given that the SO has lost interest.

 

I guess I am really self protective and do NOT deal with rejection well. So in most of my relationships, there are no endings. Just a total cease-fire, LOL.

 

I do not like endings either, but I am fiercely protective of my dignity.

 

How did you get that way?

 

I always don't like to give up on a relationship beause I fear what I could be missing out on.

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If my SO was losing interest in me and we had talked about it and he would not admit anything was wrong but something clearly was, I don't see the point in dragging out the inevitable.

 

Obviously now that I am married I would work harder to find out from him what was going on, including suggesting counseling for us, but you can't force someone to love or even like you, and I don't know why anyone would settle for that when a mutually loving relationship is so much better and more rewarding.

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Ren, it is best to let people leave. People becomes uncomfortable, when they feel as if they are looked upon as a raft. That usually makes them want to flee.

 

Try reverse psychology. Learn to let go. In many cases, they will return of their own violition and wants to connect with you again.

 

Learn detachment. It could turn out to be your best friend.

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Ren, it is best to let people leave. People becomes uncomfortable, when they feel as if they are looked upon as a raft. That usually makes them want to flee.

 

Try reverse psychology. Learn to let go. In many cases, they will return of their own violition and wants to connect with you again.

 

Learn detachment. It could turn out to be your best friend.

 

Based on past experiences, the above bolded is sadly very true.

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How did you get that way?

 

I always don't like to give up on a relationship beause I fear what I could be missing out on.

 

 

I guess it goes back to school days.

 

My class mates and I, would have lengthy periods of NC (not speaking with other in class), which could go on for months and even years.

 

I have learned at an early age, that I should not sleep with the enemy, so I have completed the art of "detachment".

 

And that has been my ace in the hole of getting me out of romantic and friendship situations.

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You didn't mention how much he was pulling away, other than spending less time with you. Is the rest just a feeling you have? If he said everything is fine, could he just be busy, or deciding to spend more time with his friends right now? And you then filled in the other blanks?

 

Also, how long have you been in this relationship? Are you just transitioning away from the honeymoon period?

 

I really don't like this phrase because it's so over used, but relationships are a dance. The analogy is perfect. There are changes in direction. Someone is always pushing or pulling a little. Someone is always leading and the other following. And this translates to the fact that someone is always more in love than the other. It's a part of all relationship dynamics.

 

I would ask answer penelope13's guess first. Then I would follow skittlesfae's advice. Don't pull back, but keep yourself busy. Don't smother him or become clingy - you can't beg someone to want to be with you. Just be nice to him when you're together, be yourself, and find other things to do with your free time. Don't wait around and dwell on what's going wrong. Call your friends. Go out and have some fun. When he sees that you are doing fine with less of him, that should intrigue him and he'll come wandering back. If that doesn't work, well, it doesn't work. There is no magic pill for this one. But doing this is the only way to draw him back. And in the meantime, you've already filled your life with other things, so if it does end, it won't be so traumatic.

 

Good luck.

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I guess it goes back to school days.

 

My class mates and I, would have lengthy periods of NC (not speaking with other in class), which could go on for months and even years.

 

I have learned at an early age, that I should not sleep with the enemy, so I have completed the art of "detachment".

 

And that has been my ace in the hole of getting me out of romantic and friendship situations.

 

Good for you. You are very strong and have a good head on your shoulder.

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I have a hard time finding someone that when I do, it is monumental for me. If we click well, it is even more astounding for me, to the point that when I see the guy losing interest, I panic and get scared and try to do anything to avoid the inevitable. If I sense someone pulling away, I have learned NOT to cling to someone. I will give space but then I will also let the other person know I am willing to take what he gives me, provided he stay in my life. Then I hope he sticks around.

 

I'm like this with my best friend. No, he doesn't want to leave our freindship but he tends to walk all over me and take advantage of me, but I tolerate him because he means a lot to me.

 

This sounds very co-dependent to me. Ren, it was said before that you do not have a healthy attachment to this friend of yours and that there is no clear line anymore separating the friendship from a relationship.

 

It is never healthy not to maintain boundaries for yourself. People accept it for some time, but eventually they will lose all respect for you.

 

At the same time it prevents you from forming a new bond with someone else

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Good for you. You are very strong and have a good head on your shoulder.

 

Thanks Ren, but it is a "learned behavior" and an understanding of how the human psyche works.

 

Your best friend, whom you always wrote about, just stop contacting him for awhile and you may become surprise at his behavior.

 

Believe me, people do NOT like to be ignored. And this is why they often return, after a period of No Contact.

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i've never had a man insist that everything was fine, when i confronted him about it. it either led to a breakup right away, when they agreed that they had been withdrawing, due to a lack of interest. another one said he had a lot going on schoolwise and was going to be very busy the next few weeks (and then broke up with me afterwards).

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Ren,

 

In the beginning of my relationship, I was definitely the one more into it. My SO had been engaged to a girl he had a three year relationship with. They had broken off when I first met him and he asked me out through a mutual friend. At one point his mom visited him and tried to get the two of them back together, yes meddling mommy. She called the girl over and somehow managed to get them re-engaged, ring back on her finger, the works. It was before I had even met his mom, so it wasn't anything she had against me. Our relationship was terribly rocky for close to a year. I would see him awhile and then he would disappear. I'd hear through friends he was with one girl or another. And it would tear my heart out. But I knew even at that age, that my best game was to let him do whatever he wanted to. And honestly I believe that is why he came back to me in the end, seeing I could make it just fine without him.

 

He has always been less into this than I have, but he loves me now more than he has in our whole lives. I know that.

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