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Ammy

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TikTok Advice For Relationships Suc...
TikTok Advice For Relationships Sucks

Hey guys,

 

Surprise surprise, it's Ammy here for a good old whinge.

 

Okay so I told you guys I met someone and things were going well.. well I kinda got dumped today (if we were ever a proper "item" to begin with).

 

Okay this is what happened... PLEASE give me some feedback.

 

Early May: He contacted me on a dating site, we chatted for a few weeks - illness and holidays prevented us from meeting until about 3 weeks into our online chatting.

 

May 29: We met, went really well, he told me how he'd love to see me again soon.

 

In between I get a letter from him - it's a "quirky" love letter - we had a joke about him writing me one - and he mailed me a 1 page letter stating his "interest" in me.. kinda like a job offer... very cute and funny.

 

June 6th: We went out for drinks, that became a marathon 5 hour date.. He didn't try and kiss me, but there was MEGA sparks.

 

 

June 7th: He texted me to say "seriously, I wanted to kiss you last night, but I didn't want to push it, I'm annoyed at myself now, your thoughts?"... To which I responded: "I'm sure there will be plenty more opportunities soon!

To which he responded ... "There was this weird familiarity and I didn't know how you felt" Anyway cut a long story short, I said I really liked him. He said he really liked me and wanted to see me soon, we agreed on the following wed. He apologised for "overanalysing".

 

10th June: After another 3 days of continual chatting / texting etc.. We went out for dinner and dessert.. 3 hour date on a weeknight.. Went well. He tried to kiss me - caught me offguard, I kinda didn't reciprocate, we held hands.. I grabbed his arm... we had a good night.

 

11th June: He gets a bit worried during chat and says "Can I ask you something? You didn't seem to want to kiss me last night? I got paranoid it's cos I have a shaving cut on my lip and thought you migh think it's a cold sore... and blah blah" I said No way, I'm just a bit nervous around you, used to be very shy, some residual shyness, sorry, I thought I stuffed up and you wouldnt try again... pls persist." He said "oh i thought maybe i was headed down the friendship highway... i'll persist, u dont have to by shy with me." I said, no way, dont want to just be friends.. etc.

 

12th June: I'm only home on weekends from school, so I was getting a bit antsy cos we hadn't made plans. I texted him, and he texted back a few times.. and then I texted him to say "wanna catch up over the wkened?" He didn't reply... so I freaked out a bit (PMS) and sent another msg 2 hours later "hey sorry for intruding on your time out with your mates and appearing pushy, just engaging in my own overanalysing! sorry!"... He texted back "sorry, my phone was in the other room, didn't hear it... defo catch up this weekend, when is good for you?"

 

14th June: Caught up for brunch, he was a bit distant... We spent about 4 hours together.. but no physical contact. I texted him after to apologise for being held back and hoped he knew I liked him and hoped i wasn't stuffing it up." He replied "no you're not stuffing it up.. just dont think we're headed anywhere romantically, better to jut be friends"

 

I called him and basically he said over the past few days he thought about it and came to this conclusion. He couldn't tell me why - just said he didn't feel it anymore.. and didn't want to hurt me, I'm lovely etc... and also mentioned he has issues getting too close to someone. I explained that the kissing thing was just nerves and I wanted more physical affection etc...... and it would come, I was just taking it slow.

 

NB: This guy is not the type who is just after sex.

 

WHY OH WHY? Thursday he was telling me he didnt want to be friendzoned... and Sunday he's decided he's not that into me?

 

I know I freaked out at least a few times, but so did he? I demonstrated how much I liked him.

 

Anyway... any thoughts would be welcome..

 

Ammy

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You basically only had a few in person dates before he broke it off... if he was on a dating website, there's a big chance that regardless of what he said, he might also be contacting and dating other women, and might have met someone he liked better.

 

You also can't really define someone else's idea of chemistry... a lot of people get dumped after only a few dates when one or the other realizes they just aren't that interested in the person.

 

I think the lots of chatting before you actually met probably made it feel like it was more than it really was. Plenty of guys have cute tricks in the beginning like the quirky letter he sent, but they don't really mean anything in the beginning unless it really develops into more face to face.

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I'm sorry this happened to you. It sucks. We've all been there.

 

The only thing I can think of is that he was just enjoying the chase. As soon as he knew he had you (and you showed him this through your actions) he lost interest.

 

Thrill of the chase.

 

At least he was honest and upfront with you and didn't just slowly phase you out, keeping you hanging on.....

 

 

Argh. Men are frustrating! Dating is frustrating!

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I know this happens all the time... But what about the fact that he did a completely 180 degree flip in 1 day?

 

I know for a fact he was with his "male" friends the night things changed... and also he's never on the dating site anymore... I guess the possibility of someone else is still there... but I'm on his Facebook, I see what he gets up to, and he changed in literally 1 day etc... just doesn't add up. Also he's never met anyone else online, or so he says.. I do believe him, he's a pretty honest person if nothing else.

 

I have had this sorta thing happen before.. but this just seems different... odd...

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Oh,sorry. It does blow when that happens.

 

But it's pretty common. Since it was so early in the getting to know each other.

 

Don't take it personally.

 

The only thing I can think to add as far as feedback is - well, the whole thing seems like a whole heck of a lot of work for just so early on. In general, it's not a bad idea to try and refrain from mentioning stuff that shows insecurities when still making that initial impression. Stuff like "i'm afraid I'm stuffing up." etc. Hey, it was both ways here - he seemed to pile quite a bit of that on and through text messages: ug, just makes it a lot harder to get in that groove where it's fresh and exciting, makes it more work. ?

 

Anyways, you are a good lady. You're putting it out there - that's half the battle to finding someone who is a good fit. Next, right.

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Yes, don't take it personally.

 

Also, there's always the chance that the persona he showed you via the cute letters etc. was just an act to get you into bed. When you told him you were a bit shy and didn't immediately go for physical intimacy and told him you wanted to go slow, if he wanted to go fast (and get straight to the sex), then he just moved on when he realized you wanted a more serious situation than he did.

 

You say he's 'not the type', but then, you really don't know him that well. Some guys who push the romance really hard in the beginning know that romance and future talk (i.e., hints he might be serious about you) is an effective tool to get a women to sleep with them quicker.

 

The fact that his attitude turned on a dime is an indicator that something isn't right there... who is this guy really? You don't know him well enough to know.

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Yeah I guess my initial reaction was this too... but the thing is he didnt change after that conversation.. He was still being all sweet etc.. It was a day later that things changed... Also he never once invited me to his place (silly me woulda gone!)...

 

I also know that I came accross from day 1 as a girl who was not going to go for sex early - I know thats a funny thing to say, but I give off the wholesome vibe without even trying.

 

The very fact he was willing to engage in at least 1-2 hours chat a day without any physical benefit told me he was into the person I was.. not the physical thing.. Although he did mention how cute he thought I was even up until 2 days ago...

 

I dunno... I guess I'll never know...

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Its one of those inexplicable things, you will probably never know why. It would be very frustrating and upsetting. People do change their minds, though, for no particular reason. They can quickly become what seems like very keen, or infatuated, and suddenly lose it, it just happens. Thankfully you hadn't already slept with him, or it would be even more upsetting. I do agree with the person who said not to mention being nervous or insecure too much, it gives too much power to the other person. Not that that's what made it happen, but acting reasonably confident is better, even if its only an act. Better still, be confident.

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I am not sure it is all as 'cut and dried' as him sweet talking her in the beginning with an hidden agenda. A guy wouldn't pursue for weeks on end if that was all he wanted.....he could find that going to a club or somewhere, even one of those dodgy websites where you can meet people for that sole purpose.

 

Anyhow, I read it and having been someone in his position (I am a bit of a romantic, somebody who makes these gestures, communicating etc etc), I would be thinking of what I put out there in terms of my own emotions and feelings and seeing if the other person reciprocated. If they're not, then you tend to protect yourself a little bit and I think this is what he is doing. His behaviour is fueled partially by fear, but also in self-preservation too. He either just might not be ready or he has doubts as to whether you are.

 

I think he has been honest and clear to be fair to him, possibly to spare you both from uncertainty and pain. To be honest, you may never know 100% why, but he has given you more than a lot of us get. Often, the other person just disappears, without any explanation.

 

For example, I went on a few dates with someone recently who I had a great time with but was loathe to make a move on her (it's to do with me), and so she didn't respond to my last efforts to communicate and go out again. I realised myself I wasn't ready and she picked up on it I am sure and left things as they are. No explanation or anything for her silence but she either doesn't want to tell me or I know the answer already. I think a similar occurrence has happened here Ammy, I don't think he has played you and you shouldn't assume so unless you had some evidence that he was dating/talking to someone else etc etc.

 

Don't take it personally either. There's a reason they say "when the planets align, so and so will happen" - you just need to meet the right guy at the right time. You had some good dates and picked up some useful experience right? Keep your chin up and keep moving forward.

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- Someone who sends you love letter without enough contact would tell me that the person is not genuine, sincere. I just don't believe that "love" can happen this fast.

- I agree with others. He is on a dating site, he must have met someone else. Don't believe anything that he says. He need not tell you everything. Not all people are honest and frank and really they need not be this early on about who else they are seeing.

- Don't add men that you meet for a date as friend in your facebook. Keep those things personal, at least until you are exclusive. Such kinda acts give a false sense of togetherness, false hope. Now what are you gonna do? delete him from your friendlist?

- Be thankful, very thankful that he didn't leave you hanging. Some men date multiple women at a time and keep all of them hanging.

- I won't call him back and ask what happened this and that. He already told you, right?

- Understand that this is part of the process. Keep improving your game and keep pressing on. Good luck! don't give up!

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After the attempts at kissing it must have become too awkward to continue. Maybe you both had a hard time kissing because there really wasn't any chemistry. It's hard to force these things. Maybe if one person is nervous and the other takes charge, they can get over the initial awkwardness, but if both people are nervous, it's hard to get past that. Just be prepared and open for a kiss on your next first date, and hopefully it will happen more naturally.

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I would say that the defining characteristic of this relationship is way too much talking. Too much talking on the internet prior to meeting, and then too much talking about the actual "relationship" once you were in it. There needs to be more action and less analysis. Even your dates could be more activity-centered instead of dinners.

 

I would also be very hesitant in the future of revealing insecurities very early on. He shouldn't have been revealing his own to you, first of all, because that forces you to reassure. And then it made you feel obligated to reveal your own insecurities.

 

Also agree with those who said adding dates as Facebook friends is not a good idea. It suggests an intimacy with each other that doesn't exist yet.

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I agree with both Knotty and Bullet.

 

Knotty - because the two of you were way too open about your baggage, and both were too insecure to really get anything going, so it ended up being an aborted lift off.

 

And Bullet, because there was way too much interaction before meeting, and then all the texting/IM'ing between dates. This is how you build false intimacy, which makes it more pressured when you are together in person.

 

Overall, I think you both weren't a good fit. He was too insecure for you, because with your dating awkwardness, you need a guy who is more solid and can roll with your issues.

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Sorry to hear it went south already At least you found out early (not much comfort, I know) but he seems to not know what he wants and be following some formula he's worked out. Plus he seemed too nervous and self conscious.

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Its very likely that there has been some other woman on the scene, someone he may have known before you, who had been up until recently rejecting him, or someone who has only recently arrived on the scene who has caught his eye, who may be reciprocating his advances. That is the trouble with online dating sites. They are like a candy store, where you will always find one candy, more appealing than another. If you find someone you like and you both still frequent the dating site, there is always that risk that one of you is going to come accross, something more appealing.....

 

I think that when men suddenly switch off and decide they are not feeling it anymore and after giving off signs they are really interested.....you can always bet it's because there is another person on the scen with whom they are wanting to pursue further....so they drop you, in order to do it....

 

The guy couldn't have been that much into you anyway and regardless of what he was saying or did, so I personally see it, as NO LOSS.....it would only have lasted until the next pretty face came along, whether that be a week, month or six months down the line.

 

He will likely return, if all falls through with whoever he is pursuing, or he gets bored.....but I wouldn't entertain him anymore.

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Dearest Amy, I'm so sorry. I wish there were some words any of us could say to prevent you from turning this back on yourself with too much scrutiny. Please don't let the pain of falling from a higher-than-usual climb defeat your confidence.

 

I know this is corny, but think in terms of a key metaphor we've been taught. Your glass slipper is not going to fit every prince. That's not rejection--it's the point. Dwelling on 'why' all the wrong matches are wrong is a waste of time. They're not supposed to fit, and screening them out is supposed to be a good thing.

 

Keep reminding yourself that you're shooting for 'right' over 'soon'. If right comes quickly, all the better, but right is the only real goal to stay focused on. Let all others pass quickly.

 

Don't get caught up in all the possible reasons why the majority are not right for you. That's not important. You can't say or do anything to scare the RIGHT man off.

 

In your corner.

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- Someone who sends you love letter without enough contact would tell me that the person is not genuine, sincere. I just don't believe that "love" can happen this fast.

 

That are just your own beliefs. It's not because the guy is making romantic moves so fast that he isn't genuine. People tend to judge others too fast, especially when they aren't acting like the majority.

 

I agree with others. He is on a dating site, he must have met someone else. Don't believe anything that he says. He need not tell you everything. Not all people are honest and frank and really they need not be this early on about who else they are seeing.

 

Why do you tell her to not believe anything he says ? I'd say that she can question his sayings but you have to put some trust in what a person says. Ammy, at this point it doesn't really matter if he is with someone else. It might be a possibility but that would be the same for anyone ... even people who aren't on dating sites. I mean, there are plenty of ways to meet someone isn't it ?

 

- Don't add men that you meet for a date as friend in your facebook. Keep those things personal, at least until you are exclusive. Such kinda acts give a false sense of togetherness, false hope. Now what are you gonna do? delete him from your friendlist?

 

Totaly agree on this. Even msn can be really annoying and that's one of the reason why I don't like to use it for people I barely know.

 

Ps: I think you are a nice person and these kind of thing happens. It's not your fault. ( lol, hard to be original after all the responses ). I wish you the best of luck with future dates

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I don't have an account on Facebook. I had an account on a similar site (Indian version). When men asked me "do you have an account?" I said "no, I don't." I don't think most of them bother to search your name after you have said that you dont' have an account on these sites. Also, when I did have that account, I had it under a different name, so they couldn't look me up.

I have 2 email IDs. 1 is what I generally use for friends and family, the other is strictly for dating purpose. You will never spot me online with that ID. I use it only when a man wants to chat with me/see me on a webcam. I log on, do my thing, log off. I also don't use that email account for personal/professional purpose, just so anyone decides to turn nasty and crack password, etc., I don't lose anything.

I also tell men that I use my cell phone as a mobile phone not as a home phone to chit-chat and I'm not much of a texter. I've never had any trouble with men texting me constantly.

I think, the key is to let them know what your boundaries are and make sure that you respect your boundaries and when he crosses them, let him know that this is not acceptable. The other day, a man called me at 10:30 pm on my cell phone. Since it was his 1st time, I answered and said that "I'm sleeping, can we talk tomorrow during day time? Thanx, sorry, bye."

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That are just your own beliefs. It's not because the guy is making romantic moves so fast that he isn't genuine. People tend to judge others too fast, especially when they aren't acting like the majority.

 

I agree. It takes way too much trouble and thought to write a theme-based romantic letter to a girl if all you want to do is get her in the sack. It's much less effort to just talk sweet to her over the phone, and wine and dine her a few times.

 

Now I'm not saying the guy is not necessarily scum; I just think his feelings toward you were genuine. He's probably just married with a kid, or something.

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This is the attitude that everyone needs to develop. Especially me. I keep dwelling on "what happened in the past? why he said this? why not this?" I chew the cud 100000 time. Totally pointless. You can't change him, its good to see the real personality early on, make a judgment, and move on.

What you said is very right. We are not shooting for any guy who "1st says yes". We are aiming for the "right fit". Its important that we keep that in mind. Because I tend to look at other girls and say to myself "look how she got married, why not me?" "well, you are not her. You dont' know what she was willing to settle for. You don't know what she is going through in her married life. So, dont' compare. Ultimately you have to live with the guy you marry. You don't have her personality and you are not married to HER husband."

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A love letter is trying to get too serious too soon. You guys are not even exclusive yet. You met her only x2-3 and you are already sending love letters? He's coming on too strong, too soon. Its like the person is almost saying "Choose me. Look, I'm falling for you." May be I'm different, but thats being too needy, too pushy for me. It would scare me. It would put me in an awkward spot where if the guy is so involved in me so early on, I can't be honest with him, there is this sort of responsibility "Don't break my heart". I'm not out there looking for your heart so that I can break it, but if I'm not comfy yet or if I'm not convinced yet, I'll take my time and maintain my distance.

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Lots of great feedback and advice from people here Ammy. I just want to say I think it's great you at least got past the first date! Focus on the positive. You're learning a lot and making a lot of progress in overcoming your nervousness and shyness. There will be plenty more men. Keep practicing.

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