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No contact for 4 months, now what?


ninicats
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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Hi you guys, I really need your opinion and advice.

 

Nine months ago my Ex BF dumped me after 5 years of being together (not living together) we shared our love, struggles, friendship, etc. Then one day he told me he met another woman, and dumped me, and started a hot and heave relationship this this woman, with serious baggage (2 bad teenage boys, whom he hates them, her bad ex, who's trying to get her and their family back together again) but despite all these baggages, he decides to get with her. The first 2 months, I did the usual "wrong things" I begged, pleaded, but nothing, he said he was confused, he said that he did not love her, but he wanted her to live with him, because he did not want to be alone, and wanted her to pay half his bills. But was not interested in marriage. I do love him still, but no longer that intensely. I did the usual, started excercising, and not because I wanted to lure him back with my new body, but I had to excercise, just to get rid of that depression, and extreme sadness that came along with being dumped. I lost a lot of weight, and have started feeling really good about myself. It's been 9 months since he dumped me, and 4 months since I've been on NC. I have gone through hell and back!!! and I'm feeling OK!!!!

 

My question is, I would like to contact him again, to see if there is still any spark between us, because I he told me he was unhappy, but felt stuck.

 

I still love him, but as I said if nothing happens, I would be ok, but I want to see if there is still something between us. We had extreme chemistry in every way.

 

I asked him how he had felt about this other woman, he said "I don't know, it's just different, not the same as I thought".

 

I wanted to do NC until Jan/10, and then contact him.

 

My other question is, how can I contact him, what would be the best way to do this without looking like I'm chasing him.

 

Please help me.

Thank you!!!

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You're at a really good place right now. Happy with how you look, happy with yourself, and just from the tone of the first post, pretty happy in general. Why chance all that? Keep pressing on, I think you've made an amazing start.

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Oh, I see what you're saying.

 

Well, you said you have gone through hell and back, and now you're okay.

 

I'd have to urge you to be really, really sure you can handle whatever way it goes before you contact him. You don't want to be thrown back to square one.

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Thank you, I do feel very good, I was fat, I lost 50 lbs, still need to loose but doing it, I'm very confident, etc... But in the back of my mind this is bugging me, I need to know if there is still a chance of reconnection. I'm ready if it goes nowhere, but I need to find out.

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If you need that for closure, then that's what you should do. But also, be sure that your head is cleared enough to look over all the parts of your breakup. Be sure that you understand what went wrong before you start down the road of reconciliation. Don't want history repeating itself, and don't want to have to start thinking of those things WHILE you're on the road to reconciliation.

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I know, that's the thing, I mean I'm giving it until Jan/10, who knows by then he may contact me. But I am ready, because I have emotionally moved in a much better place, and I'm sure I can do this. I was going to either "accidentally bump into him" but I want to be adult about this and contact him. But don't quite know how.

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Maybe just give him a simple phone call and tell him it's been a long time, so you wanted to see how he'd been doing and what has been going on in his life since you last spoke. It's friendly, not overly-intrusive, but also direct and mature.

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I can understand the fear. but part of being adult about it, is being truthful as well. You don't have anything left to lose, but you don't want to start things off on the wrong foot by trying to hide behind other motives or become fearful of being honest about your feelings. Just trust your gut, open up, and take it as it is.

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You're right, I do want this chance. He was the dumper that's why I'm a bit hesitant, alot of people on these posts say that the dumper should step up, but I know "the dumper" he said mean things to me, and I don't know if he would shy away from contacting me because he's embarassed, I know and he told me he was stuck, and I'm very sure it's dysfunctional. I have always initiated things when we were together, I would say in the relationship department he's a "girlyman" lol.

 

So do you think it's ok for me the "dumpee" to contact him?

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Yeah. As far as I'm concerned, dating has no official or written rules. Guidelines, sure...but rules? No, you know what is best for you. You know him and your relationship with him, past and present. So the advice given to you here is only speculation, opinions, and guidelines to help you make your OWN choice.

 

If you think it's okay, then it's okay.

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