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Something happened yesterday that I am still in shock about


winter whiteout
Your Boyfriend Left You - So What?
Your Boyfriend Left You - So What?

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In my other post I talked about going to a Sports Bar to see the Penns last night but just before I got there I can't believe what I went through

 

I went to visit my ex husband's Grandmother and I see her every other week. We are very close and there was a period of time that I did not see her because I had to heal. My ex and his new wife live out of state as well. Well yesterday I took her out to lunch and we went back to her apartment. All of a sudden someone was knocking at her door and she answered it and it was my ex's new wife! OMG I could not believe it. She came over without calling. I have never met her before until yesterday. She had this look on her face as I did as well. I was in so much shock and did not know what to do. She sat down and I was being cordial because I did not want it to turn ugly for many different reasons the main one to not upset my ex's Grandmother. Well I guess me being cordial made her feel comfortable and she started telling me everything about what is going on with her and my ex. I think she thought that I must be over it which I am for the most part but of course now it brought it all back to me. Now that I think about it she should have said she would come back later why should I have to leave? I was in too much shock to do anything at the time and it is easy to say I should have done this or that after the fact.

 

In the course of all the time she was talking I learned all about her childhood, her sister and niece's and newphew's and all her friend's and their kids they spend time with. I learned about her full life with my ex husband. I just can't believe I saw her. I can't believe now I feel like total crap. The shock is starting to wear off.

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That must have been totally awkward.

 

Not your fault for ending up in that situation - you didn't know she was coming. However, now you know how a run in like that has affected you and you will hopefully have more strength if it happens again and be able to leave.

 

Maybe it was bound to happen at some point, and you can use it as even more closure on the path to letting it all go.

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That must have been totally awkward.

 

Not your fault for ending up in that situation - you didn't know she was coming. However, now you know how a run in like that has affected you and you will hopefully have more strength if it happens again and be able to leave.

 

Maybe it was bound to happen at some point, and you can use it as even more closure on the path to letting it all go.

 

Actually it was she that should have left. I was visting his Grandmother. I will stand my ground on this one.

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Actually it was she that should have left. I was visting her. I will stand my ground on this one.

 

You are right about that, you were there spending time with someone you care about, and she showed up unannounced. However, if the situation arises again, it's OKAY to walk away from it, especially since it clearly upsets you. I am not saying in any way that you should have to leave, I'm just saying it wouldn't make you less of a person to let down the human nature of being stubborn that we all have, and just avoid a confrontation that will "make you feel like crap" again.

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Well, I think you should cut her some slack about not leaving. She wasn't to know that you were there and she could have been very upset that her husband's ex was still involved with his family - many people would be. And leaving could have seemed very rude.

 

But instead she was cordial and polite and made conversation in what was obviously an awkward situation - as did you. It seems to me that both of you handled it in a civilised and adult manner and I think you should just leave it at that.

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And why should she leave? After all, she's in the relationship with your ex and it is his grandmother. The relationship itself gives her just as much right to be there, maybe even more so.

 

She is the one that went after my ex when they were working together and he left me one day after kissing me bye and I came home to an empty house with his things gone saying there was no one else. He got engaged to her 1 weeks after he left me. I am close with his Grandmother. I see her every other week and they live out of state. I was there visiting her and we were in the middle of talking. I still stand my ground that she should have left. She knows what she did was wrong by the look on her face when she first saw me.

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She is the one that went after my ex when they were working together and he left me one day after kissing me bye and I came home to an empty house with his things gone saying there was no one else. He got engaged to her 1 weeks after he left me. I am close with his Grandmother. I see her every other week and they live out of state. I was there visiting her and we were in the middle of talking. I still stand my ground that she should have left. She knows what she did was wrong by the look on her face when she first saw me.

 

You have to accept the fact that she is part of his family now, the same way that you became close to his grandmother when you dated him. In a situation like that, you don't have a right to tell someone else to leave, especially since she didn't purposely show up to make you angry, as far as I can tell. That's why I told you - the only control you have is to decide if you will suck it up and sit through the chatting, or leave. You can't tell her where she can and cannot be, and whether it's right or wrong.

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You have to accept the fact that she is part of his family now, the same way that you became close to his grandmother when you dated him. In a situation like that, you don't have a right to tell someone else to leave, especially since she didn't purposely show up to make you angry, as far as I can tell. That's why I told you - the only control you have is to decide if you will suck it up and sit through the chatting, or leave. You can't tell her where she can and cannot be, and whether it's right or wrong.

 

 

I was married to him for 6 years,together 8.5 years. He just up and left me for her without waring and got engaged to her 1 week later. She thought nothing of going after a married man. I am was just trying to say I was there first visiting her and I think she should have said she would come back later.

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OK - but she didn't. And if it happens again she probably won't then either.

 

You can choose to be angry or you can choose to accept the situation for what it was and let it go. Anger about this will not serve you - it will only set you back.

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Agree with DN. You can spend days dwelling on what you think she SHOULD have done, and the fact remains that she didn't. Things happened the way that they did, you didn't like it, but it doesn't change it.

 

Take it for what it is. You could have been with him for 40 years, and had the same encounter, and it still would have been unappreciated. You'll always have resentment, she got something that was yours, but don't let it turn you into a bitter person and don't let it control your life and fill your mind.

 

Consider it trivial, and move on.

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OK - but she didn't. And if it happens again she probably won't then either.

 

You can choose to be angry or you can choose to accept the situation for what it was and let it go. Anger about this will not serve you - it will only set you back.

 

 

Wow I come here for support. I am not angry as so much hurt. It brought it all back to me. Can any of you imagine having your spouse leave you like that? I was doing ok until I saw her. The woman that went after my husband being right in my face. It is more about that. She had nothing to lose by being there because she is the one that is with him that took over my life.

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Wow I come here for support. I am not angry as so much hurt. It brought it all back to me. Can any of you imagine having your spouse leave you like that? I was doing ok until I saw her. The woman that went after my husband being right in my face. It is more about that. She had nothing to lose by being there because she is the one that is with him that took over my life.

 

I can totally understand and sympathize with you feeling like crap about your breakup and this new woman in his life. But to be reasonable - she didn't show up at YOUR grandmother's house. You need to be able to accept that this is HIS family, and that opens up the right for his new woman to be part of that too. The same right YOU had/have. If you can't deal with that, maybe you have to take a step back even though it's hurtful, because as his girlfriend, she does have a right to be involved with these parts of his life, even if it doesn't seem fair.

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I agree with Winter Whiteout on this..and I will go further by saying that this woman is totally selfish and self-absorbed. Yes, she should have come back later. It is not like she is with her husband now after the demise of Winter's relationship..she was the other woman who had no qualms about taking part in the breakup of someone's marriage and running off with the booty. She should have had enough grace to say she would come back later. Instead, not only did she stay, BUT she also yammered on and on and on about herself, her life, her life with her husband who she stole from the woman sitting next to her!!! How unfeeling and self-absorbed is that. No class, no tact, just "me, me, me". Why should Winter have left..she was there first. The way this woman behaved to Winter is just more of the same..no understanding for what she did and how she behaves. I fully understand why Winter is upset...most people would be in that situation. Why should Winter have to leave...everytime this woman shows up Winter is supposed to step aside!! I don't think so. I think she handled herself very well and in a very classy manner listening the self-involved prattle of this classless lady.

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WW I think you did an awesome job in how you handled the situation... now don't ruin it by being angry about it... let yourself heal even more from this. You need to feel good about what you did. I don't agree that her popping in there and staying was the right thing to do.. but don't worry about her.. the only thing you can control is YOU! and you did a fabulous job!

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Perhaps she should have left. And perhaps this woman is classless, self-absorbed etc. But being that angry about it isn't going to help. All that will do is induce stress, stomach ulcers and more anger. How can that possibly help anyone?

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Perhaps she should have left. And perhaps this woman is classless, self-absorbed etc. But being that angry about it isn't going to help. All that will do is induce stress, stomach ulcers and more anger. How can that possibly help anyone?

 

Actually the truth is I am more hurt than angry to actually see for the first time the woman that went after my ex husand and is now married to her. It brought it all back and I think anyone would be feel like this. It is more of the shock that she sat there talking about all the things that her and my ex husband are doing and all the things she is doing with his daughter which was my stepdaughter from age 9 months to 8 years old. He just ripped her out of my life and I was never able to see her again. It was harder to get over not seeing my then stepdaughter again as opposed to my ex.

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Actually the truth is I am more hurt

I understand. But dwelling on such a negative thing won't help you. Blaming her for not leaving will not help either - it is just piling negativity on negativity. Even justified bitterness is corrosive to your well-being.

 

So try to minimise this by doing something for yourself - something positive to counteract what happened and make you feel better.

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Wow I come here for support. I am not angry as so much hurt. It brought it all back to me. Can any of you imagine having your spouse leave you like that? I was doing ok until I saw her. The woman that went after my husband being right in my face. It is more about that. She had nothing to lose by being there because she is the one that is with him that took over my life.

 

I think you handled it very well; as hard as it was, being cordial to her was the best thing.

 

Yes, she should have left and come back later, it would have been the considerate thing to do, especially since you were there first AND considering the pretty awkward circumstances with your ex-husband. However, under the circumstances, you did the right thing. Honestly, I wouldn't have handled it as well as you did. I would have probably been so uncomfortable that I would have made up an excuse and gotten out of there.

 

The responders who said you shouldn't carry around anger over it are right, but it's entirely understandable that you'd be feeling hurt -- this just happened the other day! That feeling will pass; it's normal to be hurt initially by something like this.

 

Hang in there, and kudos to you for going out to the sports bar the other night (I read your other thread).

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I was married to him for 6 years,together 8.5 years. He just up and left me for her without waring and got engaged to her 1 week later. She thought nothing of going after a married man. I am was just trying to say I was there first visiting her and I think she should have said she would come back later.

i think you are best to look at this and be proud of the dignified way that you handled an unexpected confrontation like this. you seem adamant that she should of left. I fail to see why as the reason you were both there was about visiting an aged lonely women. She was the focus.. its a good thing you have met her and were able to be so cordial and nice..So why dont you focus on this positive aspect instead of creating negative thoughts and inner anger about feeling she should of left..and remember an old women was happy..

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hi - like DN said, i think you both handled it well. i am really sorry about your divorce and the way he left you for her. that sounds awful. but yeah, ultimately, you both were there to visit grandma, which is nice, i hope she had a nice time. i also agree with DN, there is no point in dwelling. going after a married man was awful, no doubt. but, you can dwell and be angry for 6 months, or you can dwell and be angry for 6 years, know what i mean? at some point, being angry just hurts yourself.

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Well it is now 2 days later since the incident and I feel better now. It was just the shock of seeing her face to face, the woman that my ex husband left me for. But the good thing is I now realize I am proud of who I am and I will continue to live my life based on my core values which I have questioned in the recent past (being sexually frustrated, just going out to have sex after a 4.5 year dry spell) and I know I would rather be alone than with someone who is wrong for me. So I guess seeing her was a good thing after all!

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Well it is now 2 days later since the incident and I feel better now. It was just the shock of seeing her face to face, the woman that my ex husband left me for. But the good thing is I now realize I am proud of who I am and I will continue to live my life based on my core values which I have questioned in the recent past (being sexually frustrated, just going out to have sex after a 4.5 year dry spell) and I know I would rather be alone than with someone who is wrong for me. So I guess seeing her was a good thing after all!

 

Good for you that you are keeping to your beliefs.

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