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No contact rule my last resort.


pgoblue74

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

My wife and I have been married for 12 years and together for 14 years in total. In the beginning of April my wife and I had the "BIG" argument. I had neglected her for a long time. I had/have depression and social anxiety disorder, and didn't do many things with her. She has finally had enough and filed for divorce. I spend a lot of time begging and crying before I did research that these things don't work. I moved out 2 weeks ago to an apartment. We have a daughter and have joint custody. She has met a co-worker that gives her attention and they spend a lot of time together. She assured me they are just friends, would never doing anything until the divorce is finalized and doesn't want to have a relationship right now. She is enjoying her freedom. We have been talking kind of regularly because she says she will always care about me (I basically took care of her since she was 17) and will always want me in her life because of our daughter. Yesterday we visited and drank a couple beers and talked. She said she only wants to be friends, wants her space, but she would never take me back. All of her family say, just give her time to miss me and she will come back. But later in the conversation she said for me to go out and date and she will probably date, if it doesn't work out we might get back together, you never know. Is she just confused on what to do? I know she says shes happy, but is she confused on whether its worth losing me forever? She says she wants to be friends, but if I ask her to go to lunch with my daughter and I or go drink a couple beers, she gets standoffish and says no without hesitation. Is she keeping me away, because she still has feelings for me and doesn't want them to come out or get close to me right now? Last night I decided to go with the no contact rule. With our daughter we do see each other everyday for pickups. How do I get around this? Just be polite and limit conversation to our daughter? Any advice on this would be great. I honestly do love her with all my heart, and have apologized for the years of neglect and I am working on myself, and she has seen it. Any input on my situation would be great. Hopefully the no contact rule works, I'm going to try it for 30 days plus and see how things go. I'm just scared that during those 30 days she will move on and find someone else. I hope her family is right with saying give her her space and she will miss me. Thanks in advance.

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Hi !! I would say that NC is the best. In your case, it would be LC. You can't go complete NC when children are involved. I would be cordial. Treat it just like you were picking up your daughter from a babysitter. If you act pushy to get back together, she will go in the other direction. If you act like you are mad at her, it will also push her. Just act middle of the road. You daughter will benefit from that as well.

 

I think you need to spend some time figuring out what you did neglect her over the years. Were you unhappy?

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Not unhappy with her, unhappy with myself. I didn't like myself for a long time I guess you could say. But I am working to change myself. She said she has noticed a change in me. I hoping to keep improving myself not only for her but most importantly for myself and my daughter. Why is it that you can see that she is keeping me away from her? Do you think she does have feelings for me still, but is enjoying her freedom and doesn't want it to end right now?

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Not unhappy with her, unhappy with myself. I didn't like myself for a long time I guess you could say. But I am working to change myself. She said she has noticed a change in me. I hoping to keep improving myself not only for her but most importantly for myself and my daughter. Why is it that you can see that she is keeping me away from her? Do you think she does have feelings for me still, but is enjoying her freedom and doesn't want it to end right now?

 

From what you wrote, she sounds pretty sure that she wants to be on her own. That doesn't mean that won't change it the future, but it may not. As much as you are hurting, respect her wishes. Don't force relationship talks on her or even ask her to get together. She wants to be by herself, let her feel what it is like to be without you. She may like it, she may realize she misses you. You need to let her find her way to those answers. The worst thing you can do is to try to influence them. I know it is tempting to do that, but it will make it worse.

 

You sound like you really want to work on you. That's great. Really do it and try to focus on that instead of getting back with her.

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Hey pgoblue,

 

Sounds like you're in a rough spot. I wouldn't believe her about the co-worker... unfortunately the fact that you were together gives her the right (in her mind) to tell white lies to make you feel better. If she's hanging out with the guy a lot, whether or not she wants to be in relationship or not doesn't matter... if the guy makes her feel appreciated she will eventually grow romantic feelings towards him.

 

Being that you two just split recently... it IS true that it will probably take her awhile to sort everything out and pull herself together though, so in some respect I would say she's telling the truth.

 

Yes, begging and crying do not work at all, and in fact they just push them farther away. We tend to make a lot of mistakes when split up with those who really truly love... from what I've seen, these are the 7 biggest:

 

1Professing your undying love (unfortunately, love simply doesn't conquer all)

 

2Feeling sorry for yourself (you need to become more self-confident and desirable, not give off that depressed vibe)

 

3Bribery (no matter what you do, don't try to force her to get back together... not only is it wrong... but it doesn't work, or if it does, it will be a bad relationship from resentment)

 

4Rationalizing or debating (women don't respond to logic... they respond to emotion and how they feel... so no matter how "right" you are... arguing and trying to convince them is like trying to pull a donkey on a rope)

 

5Don't tell her you've changed (you have to show her. actions speak louder than words, and this is all about changing whatever it was that was seriously affecting her... in your case, neglecting her...)

 

6This probably isn't a problem for you, but some people let their ego get in the way...

 

7And finally, wishful thinking is the last mistake. If you're going to get her back, you're going to have to do something about it. Sure think positively at all times, but make sure to take action.

 

HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO DO...

 

1. That's great that you've apologized. Now... never do it again. (Except for once, below) There's no use beating a dead horse.

 

2. keep working on yourself, always make sure you're showing it and not verbalizing it. She will never believe you if you tell her, that's a fact. It just doesn't work that way.

 

3. Ok, you need to agree with being apart. Tell her that you thought long and hard about it (it's easier if you write a letter) and that you want to spend some time apart. Then BRIEFLY apologize again in the letter, but do it wholeheartedly. Make it short though, don't use more than a sentence or two to accomplish this... Again, you need your space, and you'd like to go do the things in life that you've always wanted to do (hint briefly at the exciting things you want to do). This sets you up for a much more powerful no contact phase. You need to be SINCERE about it though... really agree with it, and really want to not see her for awhile.

 

Then you enter the NC phase, but make sure you're still polite and respond whenever she contacts you... you don't want to ignore her that would be bad. Whenever you see her about the kids... be gentlemanly and warm, be polite, just ask her how she's doing, and then continue on your way... make sure she feels like YOU are the one moving on, and that you're having a great time doing it.

 

Then maybe after about a month or two (you've been together a long time, it could take awhile) you ask her if maybe she'd like do go and do something. Don't talk about the past, talk about the future, and the great things that are to come. Like i've read someone say before... you need to be a growing and positive person! Anyway, if you have time and want to read more about what I think, you can always look me up. I've written a ton of free stuff about this.

 

Good luck (it seems you're on the right track).

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Actually, I would agree with Marc. My ex was so logical to a fault that it totally drove me away from him. I begged and pleaded with him to see some of life through emotions, and to understand that I (an engineer, BTW) saw the world through both logic and emotion. He never did anything but criticize and put me down for having emotions. So Marc's coaching to appeal to the emotions instead of logic is most likely going to be more effective, because love is NOT logical, and I've never once seen a breakup resolved by logic.

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Quote..Is she keeping me away, because she still has feelings for me and doesn't want them to come out or get close to me right now?

yes she has some feelings ,no she clearly does not want you in any way to feel false hope about a reunion, spending time together socially would ensure that this happened, she is confused and is screaming for space..give her loads of it and remain LC and continue with your own self improvements..I would also consider that you seek counselling .You have depression and social anxiety you say for years..so how are you working on these without professional guidance?? I think it would be very beneficial to you.Why is it necessary to see her daily regarding the daughter this strikes me as very odd and unnecessary is it a transport difficulty??..being separated means just that..joint custody daily??? perhaps you need to re assess this and start splitting your week, going there every day is not at all conducive to helping this relationship, not at all and your daughter certianly doesnt need to see you both everyday regardless of her age. If you remain doing everything for your wife like when you were married you are also likely to never be missed or desired back or seen as more then just her support person. you wife has an interest in another man at this point. make her live her separated lifestyle 100% and you also. Without doing this you are both likely to take each other for granted rather than missing what you have shared together...

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Just to add an update. Tomorrow we were going to have lunch and talk some more. About a half hour ago she texted me and asked if we were still on for tomorrow. I texted her back and siad probably not, but I'll drop our daughter back off to her at 6 tomorrow. Haven't heard a response back yet. I don't know if shes mad, or just asking to see if we were still so she could make other plans. So the no contact is offically started as of 5:00 p.m. Saturday. I need to be strong, work on myself and hope for the best. If the no contact doesn't work to get her back, I'm hoping at least I'll be on my way to healing and moving on.

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She has our daughter when I'm at work during the days. She works nights and thats when I have my daughter from 4 to 9 p.m. and then every weekend. So the entire weekend we don't see each other. Neither one of us can afford a babysitter so thats why we agreed on those terms. I pick her up from her work and she picks her up from my apartment. I don't answer my door, I give my daughter the hugs and kisses before and then she leaves. We don't see each other or talk.

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why don't you tell her you think you want to cancel the lunch/talk because she wants space and you want to give it to her. That way she won't think you are mad or playing games.

 

Becca i consider you a friend her, but I think it says more if he doesn't give a reason for canceling. It was her decision to leave so he is under no obligation to explain himself. Is it game playing? Maybe in a sense because now, even if she was going to cancel herself, she is going to start wonder "why"? Really it's none of her business, if her mind runs wild and is imagining him with some hot date that may force her to come to terms on if she is ready for HIM to move on. It doesn't mean she going to come running back right away, but it forces her to find out what life is like with him being obligated to her.

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I texted her back and siad probably not

Agree with becca.

1. text messaging is pathetic communication when separated in regards to addressing any discussions about "us'

2. Saying probably not is game playing without question. You are basically waiting for her reaction to your use of the word probably and now are wondering what that reaction is..Is she angry??? I would be. State your feelings openly and honestly!. You should have phoned her and openly communicated and said Look I need to work on myself and you need some space. So I feel its in both of our best interests not to have lunch tomorrow. I am more than happy for both of us to seek therapy I truly think this would help us?

I understood you wanted your wife back!!!..these actions 'probably not" leaving someone unsure about your intentions thoughts and feelings, what else are they logically supposed to do???? and they all lead to creating further problems..certainly not in fixing them..

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Yes you maybe right. But I also think it depends on what your relationship is like. In ours, probably not basically meant no. I wasn't intending it to be used a "game". I was just trying to make the response short and to the point. Yes I didn't give a reason on purpose. Yes I did want her to start thinking. Thats what this whole "no contact rule" is all about, right? It wasn't that I was waiting for a response from her angry or not. I wrote her a letter of my intentions that I'm giving her tomorrow, that shes right, our divorce is for the best, and I'm letting her go.

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Yes you maybe right. But I also think it depends on what your relationship is like. In ours, probably not basically meant no. I wasn't intending it to be used a "game". I was just trying to make the response short and to the point. Yes I didn't give a reason on purpose. Yes I did want her to start thinking. Thats what this whole "no contact rule" is all about, right? It wasn't that I was waiting for a response from her angry or not. I wrote her a letter of my intentions that I'm giving her tomorrow, that shes right, our divorce is for the best, and I'm letting her go.

This is a joke right??!!??

I must of misunderstood this post i was under the definite impression fromm your words that you were hoping very much for a reconciliation with your wife and also that you have some personal issues of self loathing..Now a few days and short posts later you are using reverse psychology (the intent to divorce letter) in dire hopes that it will shake your wife into action. And quite frankly i do not believe one scrap of it..you are behaving immaturely and with huge loads of pride and self denial. If "probably not 'means "no" in your relationship then your communication is way off the mark regardless..Both of you would benefit enormously from some counselling both alone and then together which is standard for relationship counseling anyway.A professional would give you both sound strategies and insite into whats really happening here between two obviously confused and hurt people....I sincerely wish you the best and hope your outcome is one that you will be happy long term with..

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i agree. You need counseling. If she don't want to come with you, trick her into believing it is for both of you to deal with life after the relationship...i mean, there is a kid involve so u need counseling.

 

@loulee Maybe that is his way of 'dealing" with the hurt, mine was similar and i'm doing fine. Do what u have to to deal with it, just dont hurt anyone or anything (relationship) in the process

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Yes the letter was an agreement with her that we need to be apart, that is one of the steps in the no contact rules for getting her back. I mean that is one of the purposes of the no contact to hopefully have her miss me and want to get back together. Don't know what you got until its gone right? I am trying to get her back, that's why the no contact is my last resort.

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Becca i consider you a friend her, but I think it says more if he doesn't give a reason for canceling. It was her decision to leave so he is under no obligation to explain himself. Is it game playing? Maybe in a sense because now, even if she was going to cancel herself, she is going to start wonder "why"? Really it's none of her business, if her mind runs wild and is imagining him with some hot date that may force her to come to terms on if she is ready for HIM to move on. It doesn't mean she going to come running back right away, but it forces her to find out what life is like with him being obligated to her.

 

I always like to hear all opinions, even if they are not the same as mine. I suggested him explaining because they need to keep things civil because they have a daughter. He states he was the one that neglected her and if she senses a game of any sorts, I think it will push her further away. The fact that he is canceling at all will probably make her wonder.

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Yes you maybe right. But I also think it depends on what your relationship is like. In ours, probably not basically meant no. I wasn't intending it to be used a "game". I was just trying to make the response short and to the point. Yes I didn't give a reason on purpose. Yes I did want her to start thinking. Thats what this whole "no contact rule" is all about, right? It wasn't that I was waiting for a response from her angry or not. I wrote her a letter of my intentions that I'm giving her tomorrow, that shes right, our divorce is for the best, and I'm letting her go.

 

You need to spend some time reading on this forum and you will learn what NC is actually about. It is not for the purpose of making an ex wonder (hey, that never hurts though ; ).

 

I am confused by your posts. This morning you wanted her back and this evening you are telling her you agree that you all should be divorced. Did you have a change of heart or is that a stratergy?

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I guess I'm also confused then. What should I write in the letter? I don't want to profess my undying love for her, that will push her farther away. Of course I want her back, but I thought the purpose of the no contact rule letter was that I was moving on to get her thinking. I need anyones help please!

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I think I will just skip the letter and go straight to the NC. No calls, texts unless its an emergency about my daughter. Gee I can tell I'm already doing things wrong to get my wife back. Anyone that can help me through the process would be greatly appreciated. YES I do want my wife back.

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pgoblue,

 

Sorry that you find yourself in this situation. The similarities to what others have gone through never seems to amaze me.

 

The poster that wrote that NC is not for getting your X back is correct. It is to reduce the toxic interaction that is going on that seems to do the person left behind so much pain.

 

By many's experiences, NC, relationship game playing, shocking her back to reality, using deductive reasoning, attempts at rational conversations, etc., are all not going to accomplish anything but getting her to build more defenses. There may be an emotional wall (long erected) that is keeping her from feeling all of the pain that she has accumulated insdie her. With the wall up, she cannot let anything that she may feel potentially harmful (emotionally) from reaching her. also. YOU have the most potential of doing emotional harm. She will not let you get through, only build a bigger wall.

 

For a possiblle better insight in what you are going through go to divorcebusting.com. There are a few approaches posted on ENA on you might want to read. Jaspar's threads:

 

 

 

deals with appoaches suggested by some authors/therapsits.

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I guess I'm just confused on what to do, I desperately want to get her back. Some people say write a letter agreeing with the breakup, others say no don't do that. I'm lost here. Should I even do the NC? Friday we had fun, we laughed, had a good time. Should I continue with what I'm doing? She told me she wanted her space. I don't know.

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Another update. I believe she is now the one playing mind games. She texted me again today to ask if we were going to dinner. I thought for a few minutes and said sure, if you don't have any other plans. She replied back by saying just be there at 6 to drop our daughter off and we will decide. Then the final text was nevermind she was gonna eat now and make sure our daughter eats before I drop her off at home. Mind games? I believe so. What do you think?

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