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ADVICE please? I want to save this but I don't know if I can.


skittlesfae

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In past threads I have mentioned my boyfriend's distance and not treating me right... It seems like he is for a day or two, but then it goes on for another week or more that he gets rather distant and I think he's a bit controlling.

 

I have a habit of using walks to clear my head. I've been known to take walks at 9 at night, not safe but I was extremely restless. I almost went at 11:30 last night, just to be stupid and clear my head. Luckily I stopped myself. [edit why I was even saying this: he has told me a few times, why can't you just stay home?? And he's said that like when I went to the mall with two friends that for some reason he doesn't trust, he said 'why can't you just stay home???' or something. WHY should I is my question. He's said that I need to do more things, and I've been trying to and now it seems like he doesn;t like it. It's like, he isn't getting my full attention anymore, which he didn't seem to want my FULL attention in the first place...............]

 

Now I just need some advice on how to approach this and save what started as a REALLY great friendship and relationship for the first few months. Starting with explaining what is going on.

 

At the beginning we used to see each other at least twice a week, now it's once if I'm lucky. And, every time we have sex unless it's not possible (nephew being around, not being at his house alone, and that is VERY rare, so every time I see him) I don't know how to stop this, because we've both talked about it but we keep doing it anyway. The sex is good so maybe we have an addiction? That's one issue is I feel it's become too much about sex. The fact that he'll jump up afterward and play his Xbox almost right after is unnerving as well. I have yet to speak with him on this, but I think I know my approach on that: Explain that I don't mind him doing something he enjoys, but when I am over I'd appreciate him waiting until I leave and if we saw each other more it wouldn't be an issue but it feels like a waste of our time together for him to play the games by himself.

 

Next issue: When we aren't together he is very moody, he gets attitudes with me and I don't like it any more than he likes when I do it. But when I say something to him it's like it doesn't matter. He waits until midnight to call me, when he knows I wake up at 5:30 on a daily basis (weekdays) and that to me is disrespectful.

 

Honestly I think the issue is we don't do anything together except hang out at his house, and it's only once a week. If our time together had more quality to it then quantity wouldn't be an issue, I understand he works a few days, I work daily, his mom tries to control him and I don't like her getting pissy with him. But we don't do anything!

 

Another thing.... Today is our sixth month. I had asked earlier in the week what he wanted to do, I suggested going out to eat or going to a game arcade place or something, and he said he'd see. I find out the other day that he is going to be doing something from one until whenever. I ask him why and he doesn't answer. (he does this sometimes in a seemingly joking way.) Anyway I asked him last night, he said he had a friend coming over, and i know her and have met her, and she is gay and poses no threat to me. THat is not the issue. The issue is, it is our SIXTH MONTH. We have always tried to at least see each other on the month things. What's different this time?? I keep trying to be positive, assume we're still doing something. But if he won't make clear plans but yet seems to have no problem doing so with this friend, then that is very disrespectful

 

I went to his house yesterday, had to leave an hour earlier than planned because my work called and needed my account of an incident with one of the kids (i work daycare) I asked if he wanted me to come back, he said no go ahead and head home sorry. So as I was about to leave from work, a friend called wondering if I had a cap and gown from graduation last year cuz another friend needed on to walk. I did, and I haven't seen the one friend in 6 months, and the other one since graduation. So I decided to hang out with them for a short time (couple hours) I told my boyfriend, and he got mad because for some reason he doesn't trust either of them. I understand why he doesn't the one because I overreacted about something he did and so he doesn't like him, but the other he doens't know. And it felt more like it was me he didn't trust than them. Anyway, he said call when I get home and if it was too late he wouldn't pick up because he wouldn't feel like it. So I called, only 9, and he didn't pick up. I called his cell, and left a message. I sent him a text saying to please call because I don't like him being upset with me, and he sent me a emoticon thing like this: ,,!,, which is a flipoff if you don't know. He finally called at 12:30am.

 

Anyway, so I skipped out on my friends graduation because for one I don't feel well, but I also don't want to further upset my boyfriend. And I hadn't mentioned I was wanting to go. So I feel like either way I went, it meant doing wrong to either part. Skipping out on the graduation means not being there for my friend..... but going would mean that even though I know my bf doesn't like them or trust them, knowing that it would be a problem for him, and knowing I might not have a chance to tell him before I left, that would not be right to my boyfriend. So, I chose not to go, on the basis of not feeling well, which I don't. (I never do on weekends, working all week I guess I just crash Friday night..) Anyway....

 

SO now I am trying to figure out what to do about all this. I REALLY want to make things work with my boyfriend, I haven't put in 6 months just to give up and quit, but he really isn't treating me how I want to be. ANd, I made the mistake of telling him yesterday that i am happy, which I AM but I could be happier if he'd just treat me better and not throw me on the backburner like he seems to be.

 

I am sorry this came out to be so long, and I'm sure I skipped out on a bunch of important details, but everything you really need to know is here so.... Advice PLEASE? Help me figure out how to approach this, keeping in mind he is a very moody person right now and didn't use to be... And that he seems to WANT to try harder and do better, but slacks off when things seem to be better....... I need to know what I myself need to do, but also if there's any way I can help him figure it out..........

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Hey skittlesfae,

 

well the thing is, as I'm sure you know already, relationships are a 2 way street. He is at fault for not treating you as good as he should. But you are also at fault for not telling him what he is doing wrong. My bf of 5 months and I went througha little rough patch where I felt neglected and not special cause all he did was complain about his job and other life stresses, andour time together became low quality and less frequent. So I sent him a demand letter of sorts. I very maturely and unemotionally wrote in an email the main, recurring issues I had that were making me question wanting to be with him anymore. I gave one clear example of a instance when each main issue had occurred. I told him I still loved him, but needed things he wasn't givig me currently. I expressed desire for us to discuss it more and invited him to tell me anything he wanted me to work on (and there were some things that I'm happy he pointed out). I told him I valued him as a friend, all that.

 

Basically, it was a wake up call. He started making me more of a priority, but I had to make change too. If you tell him your concerns and he agrees to work on it, make sure in the future to be more clear and open about your feelings. that's where men and women are different and fights start. men don't get our secret messages. they only hear what you tell them, clearly, loudly, verbally. You have to say "Hey, don't play x box after we have sex". If you don't tell him, you can't complain because you haven't given him a chance to improve, he probabl doesn't even know it bothers you.

 

Best of luck. I hope this helps a little bit. I really have found in my 21 years that with guys, you just gotta be honest and open. It is SOOO tempting to do the usual girl thing and think they'll understand our pouting and subtle voice tones, but they don't get it. Just tell them what you're feeling. They'll really appreciate that. cause when they find out all this time you've been unhappy with them, they get pretty frustrated cause then they think you've been phoney or they think women are all complicated and impossible to get.

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Hi skittlesfae

 

I'm sorry you are in this confusing situation. I'm finding it hard to give you the advice you seek because I think you are doing more than enough. But I suppose if there's any chance of him waking up is by you actually ignoring him, don't be available, don't pick up the phone at 12, don't ring him don't do anything. Just have fun, alone or with your friends. I have a feeling he's taking you for granted so if anything will make things better is if you "disappear" on him a bit.

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Thanks that does really help. Only, the problem comes in that I have told him a few things that bother me, one being not seeing each other as often or talking as often... And he's said he'll try to work on it so I believe it and accept it, and he does try for a bit (a day or two tops) then he stops. And I have mentioned that sometimes I feel the games are more important than me, and he said he would stop entirely. I told him I din't want him to stop doing something he obviously enjoyed but I would just like it to be a little less frequent, ie not when he says he will call me or see me or something. And that lasted a day or two and now he's back to playing hours upon hours at a time. It's not necessary to play games for 5 plus hours a day, it really isn't... That's getting into addiction zone.

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I see. hmm. Obviously I don't know your personality very well, but you seem to be a bit like me, nice. Of course you should be nice to your bf, but if you are feeling an urgent need to make a change to save your relationship, I think you should make this clear to him. I wouldn't make it a big dramatic thing, but make sure he knows you mean business. You want o be serious and mature enough so that he realizes he needs to do some thikning, but not so dramatic that you come off as a hysterical girlfriend overreacting to things. For me, the best way was an email because I could re read it a few times, and give an example. For example, one time my bf skipped hanging out with his buddies to spend some time with me. But that night I really wasn't in the mood for sex cause I had a super long day (I also get up around 5 every day during the week-I'm a medical student), and all of a sudden he was grumpy and wanted to go read and wasn't talking as much. So in my email, one of my complaints was "sometimes you make me feel like all you want is sex", I told him about this incidence as evidence. That was just one issue. I think I had 12 issues, each with an example.

 

So basically, I see what you're saying. You've made comments before about being displeased with his behaviors. But it is different than laying out all his major shortcomings (only the ones that make you feel unloved, etc, no little stuff, cause he's gonna call you on everything you write) and making a comment. You are not, in this conversation I am proposing to you, his gf making a grumpy comment. You are a woman who has realized she wants/needs/deserves better treatment than she has been getting, and you have the mind to leave and find somehting better if he won't give it to you. Do you see what I'm saying? I'm talking about something a little more serious.

 

Also, you HAVE to invite criticism from him and hear him out. This is a must. If you're going to demand growth and maturity and thoughtfulness form him, you have to highlight these qualities in yourself. To keep your credibility, and also just for the health of your relationship.

 

Does that make sense?

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quirky girl, I think your advice is really good because skittlesfae does sound like she needs to have some fun-it sounds like her bf is bringing her down. But again, like I was saying, men DO NOT understand our double talk/subliminal messages/womanly communication. If you ignore him, he will assume you do not love him. If you act like you don't care, he will think you don't care. Men don't play games. If you want to save you relaitonship, open, honest, mature communication is the only way. If you are ready to move on from him, yea go out and hang with friends, but don't expect your bf to see you ignoring him and think that means you love him. That doesn't make sense, and men are logical creatures. be honest with your words and actions. he will appreciate it a lot.

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Also, you HAVE to invite criticism from him and hear him out. This is a must. If you're going to demand growth and maturity and thoughtfulness form him, you have to highlight these qualities in yourself. To keep your credibility, and also just for the health of your relationship.

 

Does that make sense?

Yes it all does make sense... I'm not one to do things through email or letters or phones when it's important, but in this case it might be easier to have it all laid out. Or at the very least, write it all out and then have a face to face, and let him read it or something. Hmmm...

 

And, when I've mentioned anything that bothers me, I'll ask if there is anything about me that bothers him and he will just say, no. Even though it feels there is in day to day things. So, it's also an unwillingness to communicate with me.

 

I'm going to try what you've suggested, and see how it pans out. And if he is unwilling to treat me properly, and hear me out, or tell me any complaints without putting serious thought into it... Then it's time for a reconsideration on where we see ourselves going, and if it comes to that then most of the reconsideration and thought will be on my part because that would mean he wasn't willing to put the effort into it with anything else. I feel like he'd be happier on his own, but I know he'd just run to somebody else probably, but if it comes to having to walk, and he does run to another girl then that's on him. As much as I care about him and want him to be happy and stable... I can't do it for him.

 

Thank you...... I just really don't see myself sending him any written thing on this matter, but I will most definitely write it all up regardless.

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quirky girl, I think your advice is really good because skittlesfae does sound like she needs to have some fun-it sounds like her bf is bringing her down. But again, like I was saying, men DO NOT understand our double talk/subliminal messages/womanly communication. If you ignore him, he will assume you do not love him. If you act like you don't care, he will think you don't care. Men don't play games. If you want to save you relaitonship, open, honest, mature communication is the only way. If you are ready to move on from him, yea go out and hang with friends, but don't expect your bf to see you ignoring him and think that means you love him. That doesn't make sense, and men are logical creatures. be honest with your words and actions. he will appreciate it a lot.

Yeah I've already tried the whole not calling him til he calls me, the whole backing off and waiting for him to pick up the slack. Granted maybe that he hasn't is a sign that he doesn't value more or our relationship the way he should, and that he isn't willing to put in effort... But then, maybe he'll take it like I don't care and don't value things enough to give him the chance or call him first and such.

 

If talking to him straight up, openly and honestly doesn't work, then I'm going to consider giving him space (letting him know of course) so we both can think and work things through in our minds, and take time for myself to go on (daytime!) walks and spend a few days with friends..... But that's going to be my last resort. And once or if we get through this then I'm going to take time for friends more often. The reason I haven't though is that none of us (or most of us) don't have cars, and only a few of our parents are willing to drive us around. And, they all live a 15 to 30 minutes drive from me... But that's something I'm going to work on though. Being more active and involved.

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Heh.. We're not mind readers. You have to hit us upside the head with the proverbial 2x4 sometimes before we see something. Definitely be open and communicative of your desires and needs.

Yeah I wish I realized this a month or two ago. ](*,) stupid stupid stupid. lol. (not the mindreader part but about having to be upfront and rather direct.)

 

Thing is... He isn't that way with me, he seems to expect me to just GET IT.... (ok maybe I am the same way, or was, but I now see how that's just not happening or gonna happen). But just last night, with the whole friend issue, I asked him what exactly it is about them that he doesn't trust, he wouldn't answer me and granted it was a bit late to have such a conversation but I wanted to know so that I could decide what to do about the situation. If it were a genuine concern, something that I was missing that was bad about them, not just an insecurity thing, I want to know so I can choose what to do about that. And before that he told me I'd gotten an attitude in one of my texts (which I hadn't in any of them) and i told him to tell me which one, and that I hadn't gotten an attitude with any of them so I needed to know which so I could explain. He said, plain out, no. He rarely offers an explanation for things either, as if he shouldn't explain to me what is going on in his head so I can know why and know what not to do in future if a similar incident occurs. And he just won't. And he says, I don't know a LOT... UGHHHH frustrating. Antway, I decided to just let him go to bed, I asked him if he'd like to go to sleep as I know he's probably tired and not in the right frame for a discussion and neither was I, he took me up on it, and I asked if he would explain it tomorrow and he said yes... Let's hope he sticks to his word and all. Sometimes he doesn't, whether intentional or just forgetful or unsure of what he wants to do or i don't know.

 

I'm very similar in the lack of communication thing though, so I can't really say anything, other than I am genuinely trying to work on it and improve my communication. And he dones't seem to be, or at least not very hard.

 

Another thing I should discuss with him I suppose.

 

 

Here's someting I am wondering though: Should I just bombard him with this all, letting him know that I have a few needs I don't feel are being satisfied and let it all out? Or is that a bad idea, would it make him feel cornered and stuff??

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Ugh.. Don't sit down and let it all out. Remember, communication is a two way street. Start off easy. Some guys don't communicate well at all. It's very difficult for them to open up and communicate honestly and openly.

Thank you.

That's what I had figured, but I wanted some input on that.

And, by that do you mean, don't tell him all the issues in one day, or just not all at once? I don't mean that I want to say everything all at once that is a problem and then let him get his word in..... But rather, go one thing at a time, starting with the games right after sex. I feel I'm not getting enough affection at all, sometimes when I try to just touch him, like putting my hand on his back for a minute, he'll move it. I'm not sure if it's him messing with me sometimes, sometimes that is how it feels, then others I feel he doesn't want me touching him. That could be just my perception but I don't know.

 

If it is that he doens't want me to touch him sometimes, what might that mean....?

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Oh gawd! LOL.. This is going to take days, if not weeks! It's a slow process and something you both need to be patient with. I would start off with communication issues. Work on that. Then start bringing up things that you both wish to change. But PLEASE, don't hit him all at once with it, whether it be in one sitting or over the course of one day!

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Oh gawd! LOL.. This is going to take days, if not weeks! It's a slow process and something you both need to be patient with. I would start off with communication issues. Work on that. Then start bringing up things that you both wish to change. But PLEASE, don't hit him all at once with it, whether it be in one sitting or over the course of one day!

Okay, just wanted to be sure that's what you meant.

Otherwise he'll feel like things are screwed, that I want way too much, and feel overwhelmed. Me as well... So basically, bite sized portions, one thing at a time, be sure that one thing or a few smaller things is/are resolved and continue to be resolved, before moving to something else...... (started with what I feel is the biggest issue)

 

Also..... In the part about my friends...... Was I right to not go to the graduation, knowing that it would upset him especially the day after he expressed discomfort with the particular friends? Or was that wrong to my friends, when they haven't done anything to warrant this distrust as far as I can see....?not that I can do much/anything about it now, because it's already over almost. But I guess future reference, learn from mistakes and experiences.

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You should have gone.. But that's just me.

I also wasn't feeling well either. But that's besides the point, I wouldn't have even if I was probably.

 

Maybe I should have... But I am closer to my boyfriend than those guys... And I was just invited a couple days ago, and I wasn't going to go until last night when they came by for the cap and gown. So I didn't feel right going to something that last minute that would obviously not help things between me and my boyfriend.

 

And I'm not all that close to the two friends, though I could be if I tried harder probably. But that's neither here nor there......

I probably should have gone though, I didn't feel THAT unwell, gone for support and such. But, that's past, and I made sure they kept the cap and gown so I have a reason to see them and hang out (for myself, not to use it as an excuse. I have a habit of going antisocial, for months at a time, and I haven't been with actual friends aside from colleagues in a few months...... I'm more a homebody and the fact of not having a car doesn't help matters either.)

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Okay this is a minor thing, and not a real sign of anything much.

 

But he sent me a text saying in all caps I LOVE YOU!

 

(I haven't sent him anything this morning, wanted to let him think about what we talked about last night and give him some time to cool off.) [edit: Oh but I did reply to his text, btw. ]

 

So, I guess it shows he at least is making an attempt. It's a start I suppose.

 

We don't yell at each other, we don't say mean nasty things (sometimes hurtful things, but not entirely insensitively.. And that's veryyy rare) So, even though I'm not sure if things are even going to work out in the end, we're not even close to the end. And if we can work this all out, and learn to communicate better........ I think we'll be better off for it. We'll know we can work through conflict at least somewhat maturely, and that neither of us will quit at the first sign of trouble.......

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You should sit him down and hit him with it all at one time. This is something hopefully you'll never have to do again, if you start being more open as soon as somethig bothers you and is occurring regularly. But in my opinion, in order for him to realize the seriousness of the situation, he needs to hear the list. He might get defensive, but if you aproach it with love and a desire to work with him, it shouldn't be so bad that he can't reflect and listen and give his opinion back. It's very important that he feels like you'll listen too. You may feel tempted to defend your comments if he gets defensive, but just express you're being honest and give him some time to think about it.

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You should sit him down and hit him with it all at one time. This is something hopefully you'll never have to do again, if you start being more open as soon as somethig bothers you and is occurring regularly. But in my opinion, in order for him to realize the seriousness of the situation, he needs to hear the list. He might get defensive, but if you aproach it with love and a desire to work with him, it shouldn't be so bad that he can't reflect and listen and give his opinion back. It's very important that he feels like you'll listen too. You may feel tempted to defend your comments if he gets defensive, but just express you're being honest and give him some time to think about it.

Here's the problem with that......

There is way too much, and I'm not even sure some of it even matters to me. I can't just wait around until I figure that out to talk about things.

 

And....... I think the first step would be addressing both of our communication issues first off. That's pretty much the number one thing here. All the rest is minor things that, although irksome, not all that important in the long run. First and foremost I have to set our communication back on track.

 

And, part of communication for me includes seeing each other more often, making more efforts to make set plans rather than things being up in the air all the time. And, eventually I'll mention the gaming-after-sex issue but that isn't really a big issue for me, I'd just like to be included every once in a while. Which, that's something I'm going to mention next time we're 'done' I might suggest popping a movie in for a bit before he even has a chance to turn the system on. And suggest playing together rather than just me watching.

 

 

I appreciate your advice, lostintexas, but I honestly don't feel comfortable hitting him with it all at once. If it were things that started all at once, then yeah I would, but it's a buildup of things that need to gradually be worked on.

 

And, I know I'm not blameless here. I have a problem with avoiding people except him, I am not clear about what I want (until recently I was never even sure what I want. I was pretty much one of those "Whatever you want" type of people...) And I am a bit needy at times. Also something I'm working on and am getting a lot better with.

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