lavenderdove Posted June 13, 2009 Share Posted June 13, 2009 This is all about him and has nothing to do with you... He obviously is very jealous and possessive, and has self esteem issues if he is so worried about himself in comparison to other men. The problem is that people like this rarely see it as their own problem, but instead try to control their partner to make themselves feel better. I' would tell him to knock it off if he becomes unreasonable, and if he really tries to start limiting your contact with other people, that is one of the hallmarks of an abuser. I can understand when someone has a little jealousy, but when that jealousy leaks over into unreasonable control, then you have to worry. Link to comment
cranberrymuffin Posted June 13, 2009 Share Posted June 13, 2009 Crazyaboutdogs: The more you reveal about this guy's actions and behaviours the more I am inclined to say run away from this man. He will ultimately beat down your self-esteem and he will go running off with other women. This guy has the hallmarks of an emotional abuser. Exactly. Nikki - I do hope you listen to people's advice here. If not there is a good chance that you are in for a lot of self suffering, and an emotional state/damage that could be lasting and hard to pull yourself out of. We have to take responsibility for the situations we place ourselves in as well. I think we all, women & men equally have to stop looking at things through rose colored glasses, being in denial, and rationalizing situations. We always have a choice. Choices are not always easy by far but I think deep down we always know which one we should make. I hope for your own sake that you make the choice that will serve you best here. In my opinion, in light of what I've read, I'd end the relationship while the getting is fairly good at least. In some instances an emotional abuser will stalk the women if she leaves (the longer the relationship the more the chance if he is the sort) threatening violence & worse. There are plenty of red, black, whatever color flags. I hope you take responsibility for your own emotional and physical health and safety and really think this through. Then, make a decision that will protect you and serve you best in your life. Link to comment
delicous Posted June 13, 2009 Share Posted June 13, 2009 It sounds like he was just being cocky, I would let it go... Link to comment
shikashika Posted June 13, 2009 Share Posted June 13, 2009 It sounds like he was just being cocky, I would let it go... the one comment was bad enough.... it's the rest of his actions that she should let HIM go!!! Link to comment
Lights Posted June 13, 2009 Share Posted June 13, 2009 -An ex messed him up pretty bad and he wasn't involved with anyone for a long time. You are probably describing all the effects of what this girl did to him. Maybe it had something to do with another guy and that's why he is unreasonably clingy with you. This stuff isn't appropriate behavior for a relationship so new, I would definitely be on the lookout because as others said, often times, this will only get worse. Link to comment
shikashika Posted June 13, 2009 Share Posted June 13, 2009 oh yeah, and the 'ex messed him up pretty bad" ?!? Waah. Waaah. boo hoo. We've all had bad exes. For him to play the victim and take it out on you is just childish and unfair. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 13, 2009 Share Posted June 13, 2009 oh yeah, and the 'ex messed him up pretty bad" ?!? Waah. Waaah. boo hoo. We've all had bad exes. For him to play the victim and take it out on you is just childish and unfair. People like that often CLAIM they had bad exs who cheated on them, lied and treated them badly...but what is most likely the case is that they treated their ex badly and the ex finally left. People like this guy tend to re-write history to paint themselves as the victim rather than the victimizer. He just didn't suddenly become this way with you because of bad experiences...this is who he really is and this is what he most likely was like in previous relationships..and those relationships ended partially because of his controlling, jealous, manipulative behaviours. Link to comment
shikashika Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 People like that often CLAIM they had bad exs who cheated on them, lied and treated them badly...but what is most likely the case is that they treated their ex badly and the ex finally left. People like this guy tend to re-write history to paint themselves as the victim rather than the victimizer. He just didn't suddenly become this way with you because of bad experiences...this is who he really is and this is what he most likely was like in previous relationships..and those relationships ended partially because of his controlling, jealous, manipulative behaviours. Exactly.... I had some guy constantly compain about his ex... when i figured out after knowing him that HE was the one with the problem. I've had people be not very nice to me in the past, but that doesn't make me cling on to someone or treat someone badly. I think the OP needs to get away from this relationship now! Link to comment
nikkki Posted June 14, 2009 Author Share Posted June 14, 2009 a few other things make me unsure... is this also behavior of the type of person people have explained here?: 1. constantly mentioning that i haven't introduced him to my parents or showed him my home. When i ask him over to see the home, he is always 'busy'. Yet doesn't shut up about not seeing it. 2. tells me what clothes i look good in. i thought this was ok, but friend said she couldn't believe he tells me what to wear 3. i dont know when i see him. plans are made short notice. sometimes an hour before. i feel he thinks im waiting around 4 him or have to drop everything at a hat. I asked what he was doing one night and he said 'nothing'.. it took him 7 hours to ask me to do something with an hours notice. 4. ive only evr had 1 phone call from him, and when he did it was from a number i didn't know and he put on a female voice so obviously i was like 'who is this'...but he proceeded to call me dense. 5. never picked me up from my home. i always drive to his.. yet as from point 1, goes on about never seeing my home. 6. seems extremely insecure about his size... i give my honest opinion (too me its good) but he doesn't believe me and seems to fish for compliments but then tells me he doesn't need reassureance. when im dissapointed in him or mad - such as i asked him to come over, but didn't get a yes or no really, so i texted asking if he could let me know coz i had to pop out. 2 hours later he replied saying he couldn't any way. 30 mins BEFORE i had to leave. I sent the text after waiting for 4 hours to let me know if he was! So i was a bit mad, not about him not coming over, just the waiting, let me know!! but then few hours later he sends me a text and a picture and is all cute again and everything is like 'all forgotten'... i do see he has a way of that. im a bit peeved off, he probably wont know it, but then he does something extremely cute or adorable and i seem to forget it... but it happens again.. Link to comment
nikkki Posted June 14, 2009 Author Share Posted June 14, 2009 People like that often CLAIM they had bad exs who cheated on them, lied and treated them badly...but what is most likely the case is that they treated their ex badly and the ex finally left. People like this guy tend to re-write history to paint themselves as the victim rather than the victimizer. He just didn't suddenly become this way with you because of bad experiences...this is who he really is and this is what he most likely was like in previous relationships..and those relationships ended partially because of his controlling, jealous, manipulative behaviours. wow. about a month after we were offical he 'freaked out' about having a partner again, the commitment. its okay now, but i felt uneasy for few days after that conversation. apart from a bad ex - what ever part is true, he also had a terrible childhood...something happened few years back tomake him see things differently and changed (studying for a big career and stopped drinking completely).... Link to comment
SunniDee Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 Sounds eerily like my ex when we started dating. And once I got to know him: had all the hallmarks of an emotional abuser. And surprisingly enough, he too had a "bad" relationship where his "ex screwed him up really bad" and he had a "unhappy childhood". See a pattern in this thread Nikki? Run away. Mine still harasses me. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 People like that often CLAIM they had bad exs who cheated on them, lied and treated them badly...but what is most likely the case is that they treated their ex badly and the ex finally left. People like this guy tend to re-write history to paint themselves as the victim rather than the victimizer. He just didn't suddenly become this way with you because of bad experiences...this is who he really is and this is what he most likely was like in previous relationships..and those relationships ended partially because of his controlling, jealous, manipulative behaviours. I was thinking this too! Given your complete and updated list about him, why are you with him? It sounds like he has a lot of unresolved issues, possesses an addictive (though in recovery) personality who transferred unhealthy behaviors from substances to relationships, and is increasing controlling ofyou. How old are you both, by the way? It sounds like he might be a bit older? Link to comment
nikkki Posted June 14, 2009 Author Share Posted June 14, 2009 I was thinking this too! Given your complete and updated list about him, why are you with him? It sounds like he has a lot of unresolved issues, possesses an addictive (though in recovery) personality who transferred unhealthy behaviors from substances to relationships, and is increasing controlling ofyou. How old are you both, by the way? It sounds like he might be a bit older? im 24 and he is 27. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 im 24 and he is 27. And why are you with him? Link to comment
nikkki Posted June 14, 2009 Author Share Posted June 14, 2009 And why are you with him? despite all this, i do really like him...possibly falling for him... theres just something. i can't really put it into words. this is my first real relationship. when im with him, everything feels perfect. he's already planning for us to go on an overseas trip. he even brought up baby names (conversation) before we had even had sex, and again a few times after and my thoughts on if id take the mans surname. you put all this stuff together and it seems really bizarre, but i dont know. i think i keep seeing it as 'aw he cares' or its 'nice'.. where as people 'outside' of the relationship see it differently. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 despite all this, i do really like him...possibly falling for him... theres just something. i can't really put it into words. this is my first real relationship. when im with him, everything feels perfect. he's already planning for us to go on an overseas trip. he even brought up baby names (conversation) before we had even had sex, and again a few times after and my thoughts on if id take the mans surname. you put all this stuff together and it seems really bizarre, but i dont know. i think i keep seeing it as 'aw he cares' or its 'nice'.. where as people 'outside' of the relationship see it differently. Ok, it sounds like you are pretty desperate to keep this relationship because it's your first, you don't want to be alone, and you don't have enough experience to understand and feel the difference between pleasurable healthy and pleasureablle unhealhty behaviors. I think it will take you falling for him, him escalating in his behaviors, and you actually really suffering before you walk away. I sure hope you know you have a choice in this matter and don't have to let it get to that point. I also hope you know that there are other people in this world who you can fall for. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 Your most recent posts have me totally cringing. This man is emotionally abusing you. Emotional abusers know how to turn on the charm to keep the person hooked. Please read about abusive relationships because this is exactly what you are heading into. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 OP - if everything feels perfect, why are you on here? You know that this is not right. Link to comment
iLiveWithMyMom Posted June 14, 2009 Share Posted June 14, 2009 6. seems extremely insecure about his size... i give my honest opinion (too me its good) but he doesn't believe me and seems to fish for compliments but then tells me he doesn't need reassureance. lol. This is the first thing that popped into my head when you mentioned his obsession with your virginity. Only virgins or guys insecure with their size would say things like (paraphrasing) "don't you wish you lost your virginity to me" or "the closer you are to virginity, the happier I am". I agree with everyone else that from everything you've posted, this guy seems like trouble and that you wouldn't be here asking these questions if you weren't realizing this fact. Anyone who treats their significant other like a doormat (and yes, I think you're being treated like a doormat) isn't worth being with. At the same time, you should realize that he's only treating you like a doormat because you're letting him. Link to comment
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