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Need Help! -Parents and sister issues


sonali22
How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

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Hi there everyone,

 

I'm posting here because I need help in understanding the dynamics of my family and try to see if there is a solution to the conflict that I have been put in by my parents and crazy sister.

So my sister is a year older than me and she has become a pathological lier and manipulator who gets in trouble anywhere she goes. My parents fail to keep there word when they say that they would take away her priviledges such as driving and paying rent but I have yet to see that. She is 24 now but acts like 16 and I am so disgusted by her behavior tht I have totally stopped talking to her . This is something recent, it has been going on for the last 5 years and I am so ready for the drama to stop.

 

The problem is that I am of Indian descent so there are some cultural things that get in the way of me moving out and getting out of the drama. The reasons are that I shouldnt move out till I'm married and also that I am supposed to help my parents out in any way I can. Girls dont just move out of their parents house unless its for school or work or something thats far away, nothing to do with independence. So in a way I feel trapped. Another issue I have is that our house is going into foreclosure and my parents want me to help them get a loan to buy a cheaper house. I think they are nuts.

For one thing its my mom and I who have to get the loan and she is the one who excuses my sisters behavior time and time again and never really listens to me. She doesn't seem to trust me to babysit my little brother either cos she always calls like 3 times a day to checkup to see if I fed him and if he's okay. Also whenever I have to pick him up from school, she would call like 10 times to see that I did it. I think that she likes to be a control freak, doesnt trust me and is very naive which makes it difficult for me to trust her enough to get such a big loan for a house (approx 3 to 400,000)

 

I'm still in college and trying to get into a nursing program but it is competitive and I have to wait for a while to see if I get in or not, a couple years at least. I dont want to leave my parents stranded and go live on my own in peace but it seems like they are going to push me back into depression that I had gotten a few years back due to my sisters ongoing drama with crazy boyfriends and cops and trying to get her out of debt.

 

The situation now is that she lives in our house but in a room tht is separated from the house and the reason for this is that she stole so many of my things from my room that I felt like I wasn't safe in my own house. Her car is wrecked cos she did not take any care of it besides filling it up with gas and now it cant even start properly, let alone move. My dad is a mechanic and he finally caved in to fix it when she promised to go back to school. The thing is that her being a pathological lier, I dont buy it but my parents are really gullible and not so educated, they never went to college and we originally migrated from a third world country(the islands). She has been driving my dads car without his permission but my mom gave her the keys and it really made me raging mad that she would do that. Now she has all the freedom as before whereas lately she was forced to take the bus which I thought was a good idea to make her realize that things dont always come easy when you constantly keep making mistakes and not apologising or try to correct them. I am just the very opposite of her like i'm very responsible, caring and considerate of everyone and everything and wouldn't in a million years feel comfortable asking for help even from my parents, so this really pisses me off.

 

I tried to calculate to see if I could make it on my own if I rented a room and paid for all my expenses and it seems like I would have to become full time at work or find an additional job to live in a healthy way but otherwise, its doable . I just dont want to look like a bad daughter.

 

 

I know this post may be long but I had to get it off my mind and see if i could get some help elsewhere besides asking my friends who are indians as well and might give some biased advice.

 

Thanks for reading and I appreciate any advice or comment you have to give me.

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You sound very smart, educated and articulate. You also sound responsible and caring. It's interesting what's going on in your life. You must learn to draw boundaries, set limits & consequences, and stand firm.

 

What's going on is that you are resenting your sister. If this resentment is not solved, it soon will turn into a depression, if it already has not. Accept the fact that your sister is irresponsible, set boundaries to protect yourself, and decide what you would want your parents to do about her.

 

If you are unhappy living in the house, be bold and move out. Many times, a sudden bold move (one which you have considered and calculated thoroughly) is better than a stagnant, chronic situation. You need to start associating with friends from many other cultures as well. You're no longer in India, right?

 

Good luck.

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Wow, that one's a humdinger lol Well it's really a matter of what's most important to you. If doing the culturally correct thing is the most important thing, then you should stick it out at home, help with the loan, and put up with all the crap until it is acceptable for you to move out. If your own happiness is the most important to you, you should move out and get your own place. You can still live nearby and help them out and come visit every day, but helping out with the finances sounds like a bit of a bad idea. You don't want to be already in debt while you're young because you won't even have a leg to stand on after that.

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Hey.. I'm indian too, so I get it family ties and all that. I've been in a similar situation with my sister acting crazy and parents doing some shady things financially too.. nowhere bad as yours with the foreclosure but I get it.

 

All I can say is helping to get the loan is absolute insanity for you... trying to get into a nursing program and being a student and then taking on this loan is like digging yourself into a hole that will take years or decades to even start climbing out of... if your parents financial history isn't the cleanest, I wouldn't try to help with the loan otherwise you're just putting yourself back and if they need you now to help out, putting you in a worse off situation will leave all of you worse off.

 

I agree with the other poster, you can help out give money when you have it but you can't fix this with a loan.. and more than that, despite our heritage and duty to help out - you aren't a parent. It isn't your duty to save your parents in any way, it isn't fair to expect you to take this loan or help take this big loan and put yourself last to help out. You're going to burn out, believe me. I got bitter and angry and just couldn't take it when I tried to 'save' my family.

 

As far as your sister, mine only changed when I totally cut her out and just stopped responding... if your mom insists on always undermining you, then you can't keep helping only to be undermined. It's a futile struggle, and it's exhausting. At some point, you might have to make peace with the fact that she's going to do what she's going to do and if she wont' change or listen then you can't keep helping. She isn't taking it.

 

My advice to you is to distance yourself as hard as it is, and not help with the loan, leave your sister be even though it hurts your parents and you... I did move out and cut all ties to live healthy for a few years until my family stopped emotionally black mailing me, and bringing up our 'heritage' and throwing it in my face... it was hard and I felt guilty and ostracized but staying back in that environment was literally killing me slowly. You need to keep your own head above water at all costs, above your family.. there's only so much you can do and culture or otherwise, you can't kill yourself for them.

 

If you can, move out... let the guilt go, don't let yourself be blackmailed and honestly, just do you... it's the best thing I did and after I left, nothing changed... things are still barely changing, so you being there or not only affects you and negatively. Good luck.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey guys,

 

Thanks so much for your advice and suggestions. I recently told my mom that I do not want to get a home loan because later on it might be difficult for me to get another student loan seeing that I am already paying for a student loan tht they took out for me when they pushed me to do something and become a dental assistant(I absolutely hated it because it bored me to death and I couldnt make it in that field because i hated the job) I had already gone through major depression, therapy and crazy pills because of their issues and my lack of direction since I had no real support system while the drama continued. I am not looking forward to spending tons of money to fix myself again since I just recently got off the pills, am starting to lead a healthy life and am starting to build good relationships for the first time in my life.

 

Mpar, I am so glad someone from my own culture can relate to and understand what I am talking about. I did move out one time but not for long because, I felt guilty and missed my parents and brother. It has been cheaper to live at home but not as stress free lately.I don't really feel like I get much respect or love and just get used all the time cos I more level headed and knowledgeable than them but don't get appreciated. Being a middle child sucks sometimes.

 

I have been giving leaving home some serious consideration lately and getting comfortable with the idea. The parents would have to put the house up for sale beginning of next month and are thinking about moving to an apartment. I know for sure now that I do not want to be suckered into taking out a loan when I am not ready. I dont take owning a house as seriously as my parents do. I just plan to rent out a room and share a home with cool strangers than show off and be in debt in this type of economy.

 

thanks again everyone!

 

Wish me luck

 

 

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