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Am I being unreasonable?


JoJo90814

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Ive been dating this guy for six months and although we are committed we do not have a label on our relationship. I am graduating from college on Sunday June 21st (FINALLY) and he is saying he is not sure if he can go because it is on Fathers Day. His family isnt doing anything-its really just him, his mother and his father, and he is not that close to his dad. Anyways I suggested that maybe he could do something with his dad the day before so he could go to my graduation. I made a few other suggestions and he said I was being irritating and that he would try his best.

 

I guess I just dont see why he cant commit (oh the scary word for a man) to my Graduation and do something with his father the day before. I mean is really doing something on that actual day so important? Am I being unreasonable?

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I think it's up to him and his family to decide what they do on father's day and to ask him to change that is disrespectful. You aren't the judge of his relationship with his dad. I know it's an important day for you but if fathers day is important to them as a family, even if they don't do anything "special" (subjective, by the way), then you have to respect that.

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Hmmm that's a tough one. If he isn't really that close to his dad and they don't do anything for father's day anyway then I don't see the problem. You only graduate once, father's day happens every year. I don't see why he can't do both. Depending on what time your graduation is, he could either see his dad in the morning, afternoon or night.

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hm. i could understand if they had some kind of plans. but if they don't have plans, then it's kind of odd. maybe he just doesn't want to go to your graduation. i mean, they are boring.

 

how is he as a boyfriend otherwise?

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Well father's day comes once a year and I feel like it's more of an idea than the actual day. One year we celebrated mother's day a week late because there were schedule conflicts. We had just as much fun, it's the same thing. I see no reason he couldn't do something with his family a day before, because your graduation only comes once and cannot be rescheduled, while his family plans can. I think you have a right to be upset.

 

However, I'm thinking he may just be lazy and not feel like going to your graduation and is using father's day as an excuse. I mean, I'll just be blunt, graduations are really boring. You have to dress up and listen to a million names being called and people giving long cliche speeches. Personally I'd prefer to just be with my family too.

 

Maybe he just thinks he doesn't need to go because he isn't "your boyfriend." You're committed, but with no label? If you are committed to date only each other, then how is that not the same as a relationship?

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Yeah well I see it as I do only graduate once and fathers day is every year, also he can have a BBQ with his dad any day, but when can he come to my graduation?

 

I guess he doesnt want to come. Im really just upset right now. IF he is going to be this way ill make the decision for him.

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I don't think it is fair for you to decide what is important to him. He has known you for six months, he has known his father all his life.

 

There can be huge problems within families by missing out on days like this - especially if it was going to be just the three of them and there are no other siblings.

 

It is very easy for people to say he should do this or that - but they don't really know what their family dynamic might be. And for those that say father's day comes every year - so it does. But there is always a last one that you get to spend with your father.

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His father was around a long time before you were. You've only been around for 6 months. Even if they don't have plans for father's day, it could still be important to them.

 

That said, why not compromise? After (or before) your graduation, he goes to see his dad?

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Well he lives with his best friend and I met him when we were first dating. Besides that I havent met anyone because we live an hour apart and have busy schedules so when we hang on weekends we want it to be just us.

 

So I dont know how he would introduce me.

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A number of people have suggested that he could see his father before or after your graduation and keep both you and his father happy. But you said he could see him another day.

 

Is there any reason he couldn't do both things? Doe his family live a distance away or something?

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Well i guess we could see other people but we are always on the phone with each other so we arent. We are best friends and It works the way it does for now.

 

Yes his dad lives an hour away from him. He can try to do both in the same day- I dont mind.

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I think the bigger issue, as others are really suggesting, is that you have not had a talk with him that is a bit more specific about what you two are to each other, what you want from a relationship, what you expect etc.

 

That talk might help you talk about situations like this (i.e. communicating that in a relationship you would like your partner to be supportive of the major life events).

 

Honestly, while I understand where you are coming from, I think the two of you might have different expectations for a relationship. I don't think he's being unreasonable at all. Essentially, he doesn't want to go so he's not going. Unfortunately, pushing the issue makes him dig in his heels and not want to go even more.

 

I read somewhere a little story about a guy who started dating this girl. She had a birthday party coming up and invited him to attend. Instead, he told her he was going to take a trip with his buddies. She happily said, "OK, of course I would have loved having you there but I'll have my friends and family. See you when you get back!" He was so surprised by her reaction, he assumed that she would be upset, that he shortened his trip and made it back to see the end of the party.

 

I am not saying that you should be happy and pleasant and go along with EVERYTHING he does, but I think what struck me was a couple of things. One, when you have a lot of outside support, you don't really NEED him to be there with you. You would like him there, and that's a big difference. Two, he's not dumb. He knows you want him there. So, throwing a curveball like being more calm and confident and demonstrating that you don't need him there may actually be attractive to him. Three, I don't think her reaction works in every case, but I like the positive attitude. Perhaps your attitude was not very positive when you were talking to him.

 

I think I would encourage you to take on a positive negotiation attitude. Say something like, "Well, I'd love for you to come. Would you be able to negotiate doing breakfast with dad and doing xyz with me that day?" Then, if he hedges, LET IT GO. You are negotiating his actions. As such, you cannot expect for him to do what you want. You have to really try to empathize with where he is coming from in terms of his family.

 

But again, this comes down to having a clearer understanding of what your relationship is all about and you have to talk to him about it to find out.

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I agree with what everyone else said.

 

Also, no offense, but he may just be pushing the issue of father's day so much because you're annoying him.

 

To be honest, just by reading your post on here, it comes off a bit controlling to ask him to hang out with his father the day before, just so he can attend your graduation. Afterall, that's a sacrifice HE should make without you asking him. I'm sure he's well aware of the other options, & if your graduation was that important to him, he could've worked something out.

 

The fact that you asked him (maybe even pushed the issue a little bit) to do this may have annoyed him to the point where he's just wanting to push your buttons by saying he can't come.

 

I think you should stop asking. I don't see what the point is in him coming if he's only coming cuz you "forced" him (for the lack of a better word).

 

If my bf came to my graduation, it would only make me happy if he wanted to be there, not cuz I asked him to be there.

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Well he lives with his best friend and I met him when we were first dating. Besides that I havent met anyone because we live an hour apart and have busy schedules so when we hang on weekends we want it to be just us.

 

So I dont know how he would introduce me.

 

So, you're not really his gf and you haven't met any of his friends or family...

 

Hmmm... doesn't really sound like a 'relationship' in the traditional sense to me, and I think that would bother me way more than the graduation scenario.

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So, you're not really his gf and you haven't met any of his friends or family...

 

Hmmm... doesn't really sound like a 'relationship' in the traditional sense to me, and I think that would bother me way more than the graduation scenario.

 

yeah, that's my take on it too. i was in a relationship/situation like this, where we had decided to be exclusive, but hadn't made a sort of committment. and then after 3-4 months of dating, i hadn't met any of his friends. that to me was a warning sign. we broke up shortly thereafter.

 

i mean, every relationship goes at its own pace, but i agree with the others - maybe him not attending your graduation may reflect what stage he views the relationship as?

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