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Its been 4 years, I thought I had moved on


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Hi everyone,

 

I've read posts on this forum quite a bit...this is my first go at actually trying one though.

 

I guess I need some advice about what to do. My ex and I were together for about 5 years, broke up 4 years ago. I think we were just too young and the timing was off. But the break up was painful and we both did some embarrassing things.

 

We've had minor contact since then. Both moved to different cities. We ran into each other about 2 years ago randomly.

 

I've been in a happy, loving relationship the past two years. As far as I know he's been dating someone else too.

 

But I keep having thoughts about my ex and I keep debating on whether or not I should contact him.

 

Is it completely inappropriate of me to send him an email? I love my boyfriend now, but there's something that continuously draws me to my ex.

 

Thanks all,

S

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Would you like it if your current boyfriend was still drawn to his ex and contacted her? How happy are you with your current boyfriend if you are still drawn to your ex and want to contact him. It is indeed inappropriate to contact him. What would you want the outcome to be if you contact him?

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Of course I wouldn't love it if my boyfriend contacted a special ex of his. Although he is friends with some of them (and I don't mind when he hangs out with them).

 

I think the fact that my ex was my first love is the main point that draws me to him. Also, the years that we were together were the best years of my life. When we broke up, he had always claimed we would have more chances at getting together. But we moved so far away from each other, and it was healthier for us to just stop talking, in order to heal. I guess I had always thought we'd have another chance, and I'm just now coming to terms with the idea that that might not happen. We might both move on, get married, and forget about each other.

 

-S

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It sounds like you are still considering trying again with your ex.

 

I think you should really figure out, within yourself, if you are committed to this relationship with your bf. If you are, then you need to let go of the thought of getting together (either briefly for a coffee chat or for the long term as in a relationship) with your ex.

 

If you are not committed to your boyfriend, then break up and meet your ex.

 

It sounds like you associate a lot of happiness of the time with your ex. What is your life like now? Is it not happy? What's the difference between then and now and what can you do to increase your own happiness?

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Please help me. I love my boyfriend a lot. But I still have these dreams about my ex. I'm so happy in them and I wake up feeling incredibly happy and calm. The day goes by and I realize that he's gone. It's been 4 years!!! why did this have to start again?

 

I couldn't take it much longer. I went to see a counselor the other day. She thinks I should contact him. I want to. But I'm scared. I don't want to hurt my current boyfriend. She seems to think I can do it in a way that won't hurt him. She says I need to figure out questions to ask him, to figure out why I still feel this way.

 

It's ridiculous. I have always been confident, successful, and awesome at everything. The fact that this is holding me back, the cause of me to see a counselor, is just ridiculous. I've had worse things happen in my life before. How can this be my biggest hold back?

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Sometimes I wonder why he's not saving for our future, or acting more mature, like a 30 year old should? But at the same time, my current boyfirend adores me. And I love him. But I have never felt as happy as I did when I was with my ex.

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OK, I don't usually suggest this, but I would say go to one or two different counselors. If the consensus is to see him, flesh out the reasoning they give you. If what they say resonates with you, and it is to see the ex, then think again about what you want. Do you want to see him?

 

If yes again, then the FIRST thing you need to do is tell your boyfriend. You need to be completely honest. I do not think it's fair to your bf to see the ex without giving him a heads up. Now he may say whatever and you don't have to discuss it much. He may get concerned and ask a bunch of questions. Either way, it would be FAR worse to see the ex, realize you want to be with him, and not make your bf privy to what is going on.

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... I still have these dreams about my ex. I'm so happy in them and I wake up feeling incredibly happy and calm....

 

... I went to see a counselor the other day. She thinks I should contact him. I want to. But I'm scared. I don't want to hurt my current boyfriend. She seems to think I can do it in a way that won't hurt him. She says I need to figure out questions to ask him, to figure out why I still feel this way....

 

Wow, I'm a little surprised your counselor takes this approach to dreams. Dream characters very likely represent aspects of ourselves. Your boyfriend in your dreams can represent romance, trust, your ability to love, youth,...etc. Hard to say. I would be cautious. What does your gut feeling say about your current boyfriend. Do you want to stay with him?

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  • 3 weeks later...
Wow, I'm a little surprised your counselor takes this approach to dreams. Dream characters very likely represent aspects of ourselves. Your boyfriend in your dreams can represent romance, trust, your ability to love, youth,...etc. Hard to say. I would be cautious. What does your gut feeling say about your current boyfriend. Do you want to stay with him?

 

I've had many dreams of my two exes and they all corroborate the nature of my conscience feelings - the sense of loss and the sense of love. I would've married each of them and been forever happy. My dreams and the resulting feelings from them ALWAYS reflect that.

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Here's my analysis. I have to broken up with my first love. The hardest break of them all. Now, this could be a leading sign that he may actually be the one for you. Ask yourself...

Why did we break up?

Was I happy?

Did I actually love him?

Was he happy?

Would getting together be possible and without regret?

 

Often "first loves" are when people are much to young to start a decent relationship and most often break up. Nearly 97% of relationships in middle/highschool break up just under a year after college. Now... Lots of times people get back together later in life after realizing that they were actually in love and that they actually are meant for one another. Since you both moved far away, had hardly any contact what so ever. It wouldn't be wrong to say this might be another chance. I would contact him and see how he responds to it. BUT. YOU MUST. TELL your current boyfriend you are going to do so. Secrets in a relationship do nothing but destroy. ESPECIALLY IF ITS WITH AN X.

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Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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