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k1k1
She's Not Texting Me Like She U...
She's Not Texting Me Like She Used To

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Righto.

 

This past week has been going quite well for me, I have been in NC and we have been broken up for about 5 or so weeks now (1.5 year relationship).

 

I would like to feel like I am healing, but Im afraid this isnt the case. Now I dont usually get many phone calls. When my phone rings, my heart jumps and I feel that it could be her. Why?

 

When I look at our photos I do not feel bad though.

 

My mind is certainly a lot clearer now compared to before.

 

A little background. She broke up with me because I believe I was being too clingy. I constantly find myself over analysing the situation. I begged her back for the first few days, stalked her etc, then went into NC for about a week. Believing I was ready to meet her again, we organised dinner a week later, with me leaving telling her to not call me unless she wanted to get back together.

 

Two weeks later, I had an urge to call her. She seemed happy.

 

She did not call me on my birthday. Why would this be?

That night I sent her a quick message saying that I would love to catch up, walk the dogs etc, and to call me. I got no reply back. Why is she avoiding me? Is it out of guilt?

 

Now I have a number of options. I do not like to give up hope easily. Rather, most of my hope has been lost, but I do not feel as much pain any more. Yes, most of you would advocate NC, and I agree that it is GREAT for you to heal and feel better, but I personally feel that some sort of contact should be initiated

 

So, here are the options.

1. I do another 2 or so weeks of NC until my exams are over, give her a quick call and ask to be friends, take things slowly. Perhaps call once or twice a week

 

2. I drop off a letter at her house - the LOVE BOMB - finally stating that I am happy to be her friend and maybe things can work out, and that I will leave her alone. NC after that, but knowing me, I would probably call in 2 or so weeks following that.

 

3. I just do NC, and get over her. (I would rather not, but I assume 90% of this board would go for this option )

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kiki, hello. i would just keep waiting it out. she will eventually contact you if you meant something to her. patience is key here. if she said you were too clingy by reaching out to her you will appear that way again. i know, i know your heart wants to reach out to her but take it from all of us reaching out only pushes them away. let her see what life is like without you and then she will come running. if she doesn't she never really cared adn you deserve better than that.

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Keep the NC. I know that it bothers you, and driving you nuts, but try as much as possible to keep the NC and wait it out. I feel for you, really, I'm in the same situation now. As much as I want to talk to my ex, it doesn't help if you don't allow both sides to see how life is without each other, whether it is through friendship, etc.

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Haven't you ever had a mini-breakup that you initiated? I have. Not real breakups, mind you, but brief ones where I just needed to be away from her and her bullshiit for a week or two. In those period, I just didn't want to deal with her for a while, no matter how contrite she may have been or how sweet she suddenly wanted to be. Clich é as it sounds, I needed "time and space."

 

I always knew I'd get back with her, because I knew I loved her. But I also knew I always took a risk of her getting fed up with my "time-and-space" stunts and her not taking me back. This has happened more than once in my adult life with more than one girl.

 

So magnify that scenario to the scope of a major breakup, where the issues are more fundamental (and, hence, less easily solved or ignored): The time factors expand with the severity of the underlying issues. Five weeks is nothing; she's gonna want a lot more time than you have given her.

 

Frankly, I don't think you've made much of an effort so far -- no matter how it may feel to you -- and you need to try a lot harder to leave her alone and re-evaluate yourself. "No pain, no gain," my friend.

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k1k1 - One thing your over looking........you told her not to contact you unless "she" wanted to get back together. I imagine that is why she did not reach out to you on your birthday. She was complying with your request.

 

I have to break it to you, everything your planning to do in #1 and #2 is a huge "push" and will only send her further away. She told you her issue was with you being too "clingy", yet here you are clinging to her even after she broke it off. See my point???

 

#3 is the only option that isnt "clingy"

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Im also a person who does not give up easily too.

No one said anything about "giving up." You just need to understand how to play the situation and recognize that, no matter what you do or don't do, you're at risk of losing her permanently. (You always have been at risk of that, every day, every minute; it's called free economics, and everybody practices it.)

 

Anyway, by staying away during this emotional period, you minimize your risk. By pushing (and that's what you're suggesting), you put yourself at great risk, and you're almost certain to makes things worse.

 

Just sayin'.

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I actually called her after that. So I broke contact a few days before.

I do feel that she has moved on though.

 

 

Exactly, and by calling her you showed her that you couldnt let go (i.e. clingy) and keep to your word (I dont want to talk to you unless its about reconciliation)

 

You need to pull way back for a long time, and you also need to work on healing and moving on just in case she is gone for good. I know this sucks to hear but its true. Its why NC works. 2 results, you disappear and they wonder where you went, and you get you back.

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She did not call me on my birthday. Why would this be?

That night I sent her a quick message saying that I would love to catch up, walk the dogs etc, and to call me. I got no reply back. Why is she avoiding me? Is it out of guilt?

Most likely yes. She is afraid if she calls you it will lead you on because if she keeps talking you will most likely continue to beg her to take you back, at least she probably see it that way.

 

1. I do another 2 or so weeks of NC until my exams are over, give her a quick call and ask to be friends, take things slowly. Perhaps call once or twice a week

Oh lordy no on this. She dumped you so it would look pathetic to offer friendship to someone like that. Also never call them first or cold call then, you are broken up so act like it.

 

2. I drop off a letter at her house - the LOVE BOMB - finally stating that I am happy to be her friend and maybe things can work out, and that I will leave her alone. NC after that, but knowing me, I would probably call in 2 or so weeks following that.

Again no. The fact that you would go out of your way to write a letter in the first place shows you are not moving on no matter what you say. Pretty much any effort to contact her will be seen as pursuit and will push her away. There's is nothing you could possible say that would make one bit a difference anyway. You can not be her friend either. Being friends with them enables them to move on away from you by helping them deal with the guilt in leaving you. They end up using you as an ego boost as they start shopping around for another guy to replace you with.

 

3. I just do NC, and get over her. (I would rather not, but I assume 90% of this board would go for this option )

 

And there's good reason. Going NC makes you look stronger in their eyes because it looks like you are getting over them by resisting contacting them.. They EXPECT you to beg, plead, cry, ect to win them back and when you stop all that it gets their attention. It takes a while for it to hit them but it will eventually.

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They EXPECT you to beg, plead, cry, ect to win them back and when you stop all that it gets their attention. It takes a while for it to hit them but it will eventually.

What's interesting is that, in a twisted way, they actually enjoy that begging/pleading stage, even if it does annoy them. That's because it does something else: It feeds their egos; what's more, they think it's going to go on forever.

 

It might well come as quite a shock to them to find out otherwise.

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It might wel come as quite a shock to them to find out otherwise

 

This (what Brownstone says) is basically what I did. She told me one day she was moving out, no warning at all. Of course my heart dropped to the floor. She didnt want to speak with me (I think more like she didnt know what to say or how to talk about it). I l did not pressure her at all. Within 24 hours everything was moved out. She then walked up to me, handed me the key to the house. I said "have a nice life" (probably went a little too far with this statement)- she then cried and was angry and walked away. I did not contact her once, not once. I was destroyed and depressed. Several weeks later she contacted me and wanted to talk. She told me that she was upset that I never tried to talk her out of leaving.

 

So, from first hand experience, not begging or pursuing does shock them. This was not easy for me to do as every bone in my body just wanted her back but I acted completely opposite. The result was that I maintained my dignity and self respect, as well as some control over the situation.

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This (what Brownstone says) She told me that she was upset that I never tried to talk her out of leaving.

 

Yeah, well I was upset that my ex didnt talk me out of leaving but you know what? Good for her! She never told me she wanted me to leave, I chose to leave and she maintained her dignity, and I respect her more for it.

 

You dont have to beg her to not dump you. She wants to be out the door, thats her choice. You didnt tell her to go.

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True, but wouldn't we need to know the personality of the ex too?

 

When she comes accross a problem, her ideal reaction is to leave it until it blows over and 'fixes itself'.

 

If NC is continued, this only would promote her healing too, as she would avoid the situation, and hence it will fix itself.

 

Perhaps, upon reflection, NC would be great if started from the beginning. But it has gone too far now - I have past the begging stage.

 

On the other hand, I would still like a friendship with her even if all my chances are lost.

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A little background. She broke up with me because I believe I was being too clingy. I constantly find myself over analysing the situation. I begged her back for the first few days, stalked her etc, then went into NC for about a week. Believing I was ready to meet her again, we organised dinner a week later, with me leaving telling her to not call me unless she wanted to get back together.

 

So right there is the MAJOR problem. She left you because you were clingy/needy/insecure. SO, instead of showing her that you could survive without her in your life immediately when she ended it (which many times for the dumper, this is the biggest test to see how the dumpee reacts). So, you acted insecure and stalked her, then you went away for ONE WEEK and WOW, surprise surprise, she accepted to see you. why do you think that is? It's because you demonstrated SOME restraint over your emotions. You acted independent for ONE week, but, you couldn't keep it up, because you were given the CHANCE to see her and all of a sudden you give her an ultimatum to only call you if she wants it to work???? BUDDY, that was the LEAST independent/attractive thing you could have done. You scared her off and validated to her that she made the right decision in leaving you...

 

What would have been a much better thing to have done, was to thank her for a wonderful night, say good night and wait at least another week and then send her a link that may interest her. THAT is independent and I guarantee you, she would sense that you were independent and she would regain some lost respect and attraction...

 

This is how things work. Dumpees have to go into NC because they don't know how to be independent when IN contact with their ex and so they mess up and go away because the ex is turned off and needs MORE SPACE...

 

So, the point is, you turned her off with your last comment. You don't say those kinds of things. You be LIGHTER and more EASY GOING. that you're cool with WHATEVER happens. THAT is what works.

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