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another newbie post


FriendnorFoe

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Feel like I did when I first started to post on this site, I should know the answers to all of questions, maybe I do and just need to communicate with others, dunno. I dont really have friends or family to go to and although I have been working on myself the sheer lonliness of my life is startin to bug me. the last couple of days have been especially brutal for me, I know we have our ups and downs but life at home, bills and stress at work have also contributed to this.

 

Yea I am in a rut, maybe its the withdrawls of that comfort and security of talking to her when I was having bad days which I cant do now. My family is being torn apart due to a drug addiction within and are to upset and faced with their own diffculties to tend to my secondary crying. The only thing that has kinda taken my mind off things is there is a cute girl at work that has a little crush on me or somethin, unfortunately it is too soon to enter another relationship with someone else for me, so I dont think that will go anywhere.

 

I can say that I have accepted that she ended it and it is over, however cant shake these feelings of wanting to be with her still and dont know if those feelings will fade. I have respected her wishes to be broken up, she called me about a month and a half ago to see if I wanted some stuff back and to see how I was doing and if I was mad at her, handled it well and calmly, told her bout my new job and stuff didnt mention the relationship and talked alittle in a lighhearted mood on both sides.

 

Maybe this gave me false hope that she reached out once so she might again, many people told me that the stuff was an excuse to talk to me and that I have been on her mind, that was also comforting, however I dunno what to believe anymore, maybe she genuinely wanted to give back my stuff.

 

Perhaps this was my motivation in a way, but waiting on calls is no way to live. I know you all are going to tell me I am going to drive myself insane with these thoughts as I should know better, There is the possibility that she has a new boyfriend or is wicked happy with her single life, but what about the possibilty that in the back of her head she is to scared to just break down and blatently say I want you back it or afraid or maybe wants to call me but is afraid of what she would say as she already used the "stuff" excuse if that was one.

 

I just feel like I need closure, I dont want it to become a waiting game, but if I dont hear from her in a month or two, I feel like I have the courage to call her up to perhaps meet, not to discuss second chances or starting over but just address some issues, get things off my chest and to just see what is going on with each other's lives. We are both calm people and rarely argued so I feel like it wouldnt break out into a fight, is this a bad idea? lol, 20 internet bucks says 98% of the people that might post on here are just gonna say keep up the NC. sigh, maybe I just need to hear it again

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hi friend,

 

this is completely normal what you are going through. it is lonely out there. that is why so many people settle for less than good relationships. they would rather be in a bad relationship than be single. however with age and time you see that the loneliness subsides over time and it is better to be lonely than to be in a bad relationship. i went through this and i still go through this. i find myself watchign a lot of tv, trying to work out as much as possible, and post on here. i even attended a party for the first time since the breakup last weekend and i think i did pretty good. i stayed for almost 2.5 hours and a few girls even mentioned to their friends they thought i was cute and was wondering if i was single.

 

i am like you, i am in no place to date or whatever. i still deeply love my ex. i have the fears too that my ex is with someone else or having the time of her life being single. but then i try not to dwell on that and put the focus back on myself and how mean my ex is. by thinking about how she is ignoring me-it reallly helps to show who she really is. i don't deserve that. then i also think about what she is missing out on and how she will never find another like me. so i say...try to say at least to yourself...screw your ex...you are better off. the loneliness sucks but its like the 80s song goes.."owner of a lonely heart much better than the owner of a broken heart"....

 

keep your head up. take one minute at a time brother

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Well before you actually contact her why not write a letter or an email that you will not send, this will allow you to download all those issues plagueing your mind and may help relieve some of the depression. It may also enlighten you as to why these things still plague you and if talking to her would really resolve them.

 

Can you get out with friends and have some fun as a distraction?? You should also do something nice for yourself, something you love to do (physical activity, sports, etc), that may cheer you up and distract you as well..

 

I hope you feel better soon!

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FriendnorFoe,

 

If I were you I would stay in NC for a little bit longer, and if you still feel that nit-picky voice in the back of your head telling you to reach out to her, then do it. Just make sure you can handle whatever response you're going to get. Here on ENA there are so many goals and deadlines that everyone gets caught up with, me included, and sometimes we don't trust what our gut is telling us.

 

When my ex broke my heart, I was like "that's it, NC for 3 months!!" Everyday I would mark my calendar, pat myself on the back, and be excited that I was getting closer to that 3 month goal. It wasn't until a month into it that I realized there was no prize waiting for me if I made it to the 3 month mark, and something deep inside of me felt like I should call him just to see what his response would be. And I did. He responded positively towards me, and was happy that someone finally broke the ice between us. Had I waited that 3 months, who knows what would have happened.

 

I'm not encouraging you to pick up the phone and text or call or email or do whatever you're thinking of, but just don't beat yourself up during NC. If it's really killing you, and you really just need her to tell you one last time it's over or hear in her voice how good her life is, then prepare yourself mentally and proceed with caution. There are plenty of people on this board who don't think NC is the way to go, and if you feel like you can heal AND reach out to her without completely destroying your process then I say go for it.

 

Everyone gets to a point where their ex's actions no longer destroy them, and once you've reached that point and you want your ex in your life but don't NEED them I think it's okay to tread carefully back into their life. Just don't put all your eggs in one basket, and maintain NC for as long as you can, because I really do feel it's the best way to heal.

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well, I do feel like NC is the way to go, I was doing great until the past couple of days too, its just some thoughts surfaced recently that I tucked away cause I was too busy with myself, not self-loathin, why me god stuff, just wow no wonder the "attraction was gone", I understand everything that repeled her and dont blame her for dumping me, if anything she should have done it a while ago so I coulda stop being blind to these things.

 

I dont expect to sweep her off her feet, although tath would be nice, I just want to entertain the idea of meeting in maybe a month or two, In correcting this mistakes maybe somethin could happen, maybe not. I just know that I experienced a personality change during the last year of our relationship.

 

NC is about yourself, no argument there, I question doing it to the bitter end inless you are really not intrested in going back and want to forget about them. I feel like contacting them is an option when you are ready and not going to spill your guts crying, but talk to them like an adult if that is what you are.

 

Like I said before, when she called me before she intially said it was to see if I wanted my playstation back, which I told her many times she could keep before we broke up, so maybe she would like to talk but has no excuse to break the ice, the last convo we had was very friendly and easy.

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Well before you actually contact her why not write a letter or an email that you will not send, this will allow you to download all those issues plagueing your mind and may help relieve some of the depression. It may also enlighten you as to why these things still plague you and if talking to her would really resolve them.

 

Can you get out with friends and have some fun as a distraction?? You should also do something nice for yourself, something you love to do (physical activity, sports, etc), that may cheer you up and distract you as well..

 

I hope you feel better soon!

 

I wish i could "get out" but I dont have any friends around her anymore, they are too busy with their stuff anyways. I work out when I can but after 10 hour days at work I have been lately not keeping up, by the time I get home and work out for an hour, take a shower its time for bed already, I got other resposibilities that need to come first sometimes too. maybe its just my life is a hectic sundae and my ex is currently the cherry on top, actually shes prolly more like a wasabi ball on the top to spoil the sundae, eh what do I care I am lactose intolerant n e wayz...lol

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hi friend

 

don't feel bad about not going out. this stuff takes a lot of time to go through. its perfectly normal what you are doing and going through. we are here for you

 

lol, its not that I am being anti-social, id love to go out, just dont have anyone to go with, find myself hanging out with my sister ,sometimes ends in my bribing her to hang out so I buy take her out to buy some earrings or jeans or something. its funny cause I do the same thing with my mom too, but I actually enjoy going out and getting them something nice, perhaps another g/f withdrawl that Ive projected unto other females I know, in this case my fam. nah, but most of the guys at work are ok, not really friends with them but they are cool, only thing is, anytime they go out its to the strip club by where they live, I am all set with that, not a strip club kinda guy, its too degrading and sleazy for me, so oh well.

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well, I do feel like NC is the way to go, I was doing great until the past couple of days too, its just some thoughts surfaced recently that I tucked away cause I was too busy with myself, not self-loathin, why me god stuff, just wow no wonder the "attraction was gone", I understand everything that repeled her and dont blame her for dumping me, if anything she should have done it a while ago so I coulda stop being blind to these things.

 

 

This is a great thing to realize, don't you think? It takes a certain type of person to be able to recognize their mistakes and actually own up to them. That's the only way that you can begin to change them. When someone breaks-up with you it really is the best time to zoom in on your mistakes and try to fix them, that way you'll be a better person regardless of what happens with your ex, new relationship, etc. I'm glad that you've realized what you did wrong, and that you can see what turned her off to you during your relationship. If you two did ever get back together, your knowledge of your downfalls would make everything that much better between the two of you.

 

That being said, I think her contacting you about giving you some of your stuff back was her way of checking in on you to how you're doing. My ex has pulled similar things lately in that he'll text me with the most ridiculous questions that he could have easily figured out himself. Maybe her asking you about your things was the only excuse she could use to contact you without making herself vulnerable, so she used it. It's hard not to look into these sorts of contact, I know that first hand.

 

You seem to have a good direction towards healing and are doing very well. That's awesome!

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Hi Friend,

 

I'm sorry you feel you're in a rut. It does suck when you feel like you're spending your time, living your life waiting on a phone call that may never come. So you really need to find something to take your mind off it. For me, it was going to the gym. I still go regularly 3-4 times a week and I think it's helped me heal faster. I am not hung up on my ex even though we broke up less than 3 mths ago. I haven't had much sleep the last few months because I just wanted to go to the gym and run off my frustrations (and get fit in the process) and yea, sometimes I only get 4 or 5 hrs sleep a night for a week straight and I crash on the weekends but it feels good to be so busy (even if i'm just busy being alone at the gym). It helps to feel you've accomplished something (I've lost weight and everyone is telling me how good I look).

 

Personally I find my family were not the best people to look to or talk to when I was going through the breakup. They didn't really know what to say and were in fact busy with the goings-on in their lives (like the crisis that's happening within your family with the drugs) to really bother or care what I was going through much. I had good friends to turn to, but most importantly I took it upon myself to just get busy being busy and strive to become a better version of myself - physically, mentally, etc.

 

Bottom line is, to stop feeling like you're waiting waiting waiting for something to happen (like a phone call or a letter to arrive or something), you need to find some sort of goal to work towards. I am nearing my goal and once I reach it (getting my weight down to my optimum weight which is about 4-5 kilos away), I will set another fitness goal for myself. The work never gets done, and it shouldn't because life is a journey and we have to live with some goal in mind, even if it is ultimately unattainable... but a good, healthy goal... am i making any sense?

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Hey scorpigal, glad to hear you are lookin and feelin good about yourself. I worked out alot, it does help, I weigh about 145 and was 180 like four months ago so it has been payin off, that was a goal I set for myself, I am working alotta overtime now so dont have the time to do it as much.

 

I wouldnt say I have waiting around for her to call me, have been foucusing on myself. Its just recently I am digging into the thoughts of how I realized the person I became, the clingy, overavailable unactrative boyfriend made her break up with me, which I agree with, I now see I wouldnt want to be with a person with that either. but putting this thought into action will only be for myself since she will not know about it.

 

I think that all this is I have reached the point where I have regained myself, accomplished goals and have the confidence to talk to her without the fears I used to have. In continuing NC I just wonder if the oppurtunity will come up where I can show her all this, not clinging to hope but just does feel kinda like a game when you are waiting for them to call so you can, if they do.

 

Thats why I entertained the notion to call her up in a month or two. Sure persueing NC still would be beneficial and helpful but I have accomplished my goals and have addressed and corrected many things unattractive about myself. Dunno how things are going to unfold but I am in a better position to get her back if possible than I was.

 

THe problem is I know somewhat where I stand, because of the events that have led up to now, I know if I called her up she would pick up or return my phone call, we are not on bad terms, we would both sound happy to hear from one another, prolly go into some chit chat about things,

 

I am sure it would be a real non threatening phone call, like the last one we had, aside from that I dont know how she would feel about relationships or friendships, maybe she wants to maybe not, dunno, maybe she wouldnt be opposed to meeting up, last convo she used giving my playstaion back as an excuse cause she knows I gave it to her, this would have had to meant we would have had to meet up for me to get it, was that what she was counting on? I did end up telling her she could keep it so I shot that excuse down if it was one.

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siberia once told me in some advice after I talked to my ex, she said you are now on a level playing field with her and she can sense it but not I or you or even her knows if she is gonna come back to you. Made me kinda confused but think about stuff alot too.

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