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I think i want him back


Blanche1980

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I love my fiancee, he is a loving person and caring. We loved each other for four years as if we were meant to be together forever. We were thankful destiny brought us together. For the last months things haven't been working between us. I dont know if it was because routine or because he didn't work and i didn't work and we were all day together and we both didn't have a social life or that many friends whom to hang out with. I think he became very unconfident and unhappy with his own life and circumstances and when men don't work, some of them do feel really depressed. As a result, he become very cold towards me, we almost didnt have sex and suddenly it was the relationship fault and my fault that he kind of cut off his friends and family. I didnt cut out mine so not sure why he says that. We were living together in his place and it felt to me like we were going nowhere. I am to blame too as im brutally honest sometimes and got really upset with him if he didn't clean, help buying food(he just buys the cheapest sometimes)or treat me more loving. I told him he is cold and that i deserve better.

 

Truly I love him. The other day, i snapped and suddenly after he did something that i thought was wrong, i sent him a few emails saying i had enough and that i was 100% sure i didn't want to see his blank face ever again. But what I meant if Im honest is the following:

 

 

I realised that if this is ever going to work, we both need to change, me by respecting him more, be more darling, honey , and so on, as men do love that * * * * as much as we do

 

and him, he needs to realise that the life we were leading, will take us nowhere, will only make us unhappy in the long term, specially money issues.Funny enough he seems to have plenty of money for designer suits, trips abroad out of the blue for the two of us, expensive hotels, loads of credit cards, etc, etc. I used to tell him hat if he is struggling financially perhaps, we shoudlnt go abroad or staying in so and so place, i was always careful if we went out and he was paying that i didn't order a expensive drink, you know i was careful with money and specially if it was him paying.

 

When i told him about babies, he said he was not ready, same reagarding marriage(he was the one who propesed and chased not me. For the first three years i asked him to postpone the wedding). Lately he used to say that things were not going well and that we needed to wait and see whether we were right for each other to be married. That's why i decided to leave him, because nothing would ever be certain with him. Funny enough im moving out and he told me the house is now for rent on the market and him being also a landlord, i doubt he will rent, i think he might have a hidden agenda.... when i told him about us ending he didnt seem upset, he said he didnt want to sleep with me either, the next day he cried to me saying he did really wanted to make this work in the past and gave me many chnaces, apart from that, no emotion. Im a total wreck and i feel so guilty as if i were a horrible person and i treated him badly. Im hoping he will change and come back to me realising i was a good person and a caring girlfriend but he seems too unconfident right now or too defeated to ever back down from his decision . Will he ever do, my mum tells me if he loves me , then he will be back, if not , he doesnt and thats it. My dad says if a man loves a woman, he truly will do anything to be with her so forget about me going after him again, he says i should have some respect and wait for him to do that.Other people say he can't wait to be on his own and that he might have a hidden agenda, he is very secretive with his things and the type of person who is very clam and collected and you dont know what they are thinking or feeling.

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I disagree with your Dad. The person who ends a relationship has the responsibility for being the first to try and put it back together - not always but most of the time and certainly in your situation.

 

I think you should contact your ex-fiancé and tell him that you want to talk about putting the relationship back together and the paragraphs about change would be a good starting point.

 

You need to do it together working towards the same goals, though, not as some sort of confrontation.

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Just two red flags though - the fact that he didn't appear too upset on the whole and his comparatively 'secret' life.

 

If you do decide to see him and have a 'heart to heart' one of the things you might mention is that you don't feel he has really let you into his life as well and if you are going to be together maybe that has to change - as it has clearly frustrated you - and being totally honest and open is important.

 

Agree with DN about the general principle that the one who ends the relationship has to be the one who re-opens communication - in an ideal world of course

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Just two red flags though - the fact that he didn't appear too upset on the whole and his comparatively 'secret' life.

 

If you do decide to see him and have a 'heart to heart' one of the things you might mention is that you don't feel he has really let you into his life as well and if you are going to be together maybe that has to change - as it has clearly frustrated you - and being totally honest and open is important.

 

Agree with DN about the general principle that the one who ends the relationship has to be the one who re-opens communication - in an ideal world of course

 

What about if they rejected you multiple times, while trying to get back together?

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We are still living together, he sleeps on the sofa. Its very difficult. I am trying to find a flat to move asap but in the last days i've tried to talk to him but he told me i already told him how i felt so there is no point in me backing down now. I'm frustrated that the relationship didn't work and even though i want to give him time to reflect , I believe that if it is meant to happen, it better happen soon (one month max) . It doesn't matter who dumps who, even though i was the one who first said it, he agreed with it. I made him and myself a favour so that we can have a better relationship next time as it was not working . but this time, it will have to be him because i feel that if he is not coming back it's because he doesnt want to, simple as that, he is straightforward with his feelings and not so complicated as me . Women, we sometimes say no when we mean yes but men if they say no,they mean NO. I know that if he is not trying to save this it is because he doesn't feel like it. Before he fought and

did everything not to give up on me at the beginning of the relationship when i thought time was up because of a few things.

 

No its different, i wonder whether he is thinking he is better without me and that scares the hell out of me. But if he were in love or totally committed he would have said when things were not working, right, let's forget this silly arguments and think in what matters between us, love, let's get married. When i told him lets get married now and that will sort things out as noone walks off a marriage easily, he said no.

 

Maybe he feels that by ignoring me know i will learn to miss him and appreciate him but he doesn't seem bothered about loosing someone dear like me. I am sad because im loosing him, my dear friend and boyfriend. I insulted him and all and feel bad about it.....im broken hearted

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Have you actually told him, very clearly, that that you regret saying what you did, that you didn't mean it, that you love him and want to get back together?

 

Yeah, this is really important as you both seem to be at somewhat of a 'stand off' at the moment - both thinking you know what the other is thinking/feels.

 

Be open and honest and have that conversation - you are telling us you are sorry and love him - TELL HIM!

 

You never know, he may surprise you

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I havent told him as im scared he thinks i am an emotional person , he always said i am too emotional and when i get my periods i get ruled by my hormones. He is a collected and calm person and because i told him very matter of fact that i was 100% sure i wanted to leave him, i think if i tell him how i really feel , he might run away thinking i am a psycho or soemone who says things but doesn't mean them and that he can do as he pleases next time as i will always be there.Nevertheless i think it is good me moving out, finding a new place , so that i can also prove to him i can leave by myself and not relying on him as he thought i did and truly i did a bit. I want him back but next time for good, next time i want to marry him , but can't tell him this now as he seems very cold and hurt and doesn't talk to me just hi . The day ( and i hope that day comes soon after i move out, say three weeks) he wants to talk, i will see how he feels and if i feel he loves me and wants me back, then i will tell him how i feel and what i want for us.I believe that as much as it hurts now,living away for a bit will in the long term help to have a healthy relationship.He needs to appreciate me more and offer stability and me the same.we both said things to hurt each other but verbally i hurt him more. His dad who unfortunately has a big drink problem, told him he was glad he took this decision and that he shouldn't back down. I guess he will do what he feels and not what his dad says .... he called my dad with whom he gets on well and my dad has told me to stop thinking he is coming back , that i should think it's over and that he will do what he feels its right eventually, and that might include never coming back to me.My dad told me not to call him or chase him or be desperate round him.

 

My fear is that he might not want the same as me , i made a mistake but it took me making this mistake to realise how much he means to me. when i saw his photo earlier on i realised i can't move on from four wonderful years together.But he seems so okay with the split that i have mixed feelings about him wanting me.

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It is no good being passive over this and expecting him to do everything to put the relationship back together.

 

Of course you are scared - but that on't serve you.

 

I strongly feel you should be the one to talk to him first. You initiated the break up - you must be the one to fix it. And do it before he moves out because if you don't it will so much harder for all sorts of reasons.

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OK, look, you have NOTHING to lose by opening up to him. Objectively, if you'd said these things to someone, they could not be blamed for thinking its definitely over from your point of view. Other family members are also giving you this opinion.

 

When you move out there will be MUCH LESS of a chance of staying together as he will consider both of you are moving on. NOT saying what you feel is the equivalent of 'game playing' and you are VERY unlikely to get him back.

 

Again in the spirit of honesty, tell him you feel you need to show him you can be independent and want him back in the future. It may provide some relief to him and he will respect you more.

 

But don't leave it like this unless you are happy for it to be over. Point blank.

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I do feel moving put is a good thing, to show him i am a woman who is consequent and can be independent and self sufficient. He stopped looking at me that way as he had more money.Are you guys saying i should stay in his house?

I was scared if i carried on living with him as we were, he would just give me for granted as he was doing. He was kind of distant and not very loving lately and i think having a break will put things into perspective and make us better people and more loving towards each other. But yes I am scared he might move on once i move out. If I talk to him now and say how i feel we might argue again as we are still mourning. I also want him to prove to me, that he wants me 100%, lately it was as if i was just there and that is no good, specially since im in my early thirties and didnt want to drag this on like this till im 40 and then end up splitting up and having a much harder time moving on.

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and i guess in all honesty im scared of him saying what i dont want to hear, fi i say it now, that might be the case as we are in a bad position right now. But surely if he love me and fancies me, surely he will wait , he will know what he wants and he will tell me if it's me what he wants in his life.

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Moving out is a declarative action - it says "I am done with you and it is definitely over"

 

It also causes financial issue that are not always easily resolved - leases may be signed committing to a set period of time and so on.

 

Better to fix things first.

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well he told me that as it is his house, i should move out the sooner the better.okay i get that. I also found out that he has already put the house on the market to rent that is what i meant by thinking he might have a hidden agenda. He might go travelling or he might have someone else even though i doubt this very much.

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Hi just wanted to say thank you for the advice and support. I wanted to say that tonight I spoke to my dad who is great (my fiancee calls him the wise man) and my dad gave me great advice.

 

He out you in this situation that is why you broke up with him, it's his loss, you are beautiful and intelligent and he should be proud to be with you

 

Leave his house as soon as you find an apartment and try to leave when he is not in so that you don't tell him where you go and if he really loves you and wants you badly enough (as you deserve) then he will look for you. Be 100% certain that if a man loves a woman, he will. You back off and don't call him or even talk to him much.

 

Now think as if he is never coming back and stop thinking about when he might come back, how, simply think he is not coming back.

 

Let him go, if he loves you he will be back. He has shown he is not up to your expectations so it's time for him to get his act together and prove to you he is worthy of having you in his life.

 

A man who is uncertain, has doubts, is slightly stingy, doesn't provide security to you, it's not worth it .If you settle for less, and go running after him, he will treat you like that all his life.

 

For all the girls out there who feel guilty and have never done anything to hurt their boyfriends, girls we are worth it, learn to appreciate yourself first so that he can appreciate you too and never ever be second best, we are queens and we have so much love and commitment to offer that is now worth it to give to someone who doesn't appreciate it.There is someone out there for us.

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