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Do you think the dumper remembers things the same way?


When Do Dumpers Realize They Made A...
When Do Dumpers Realize They Made A Mistake? [ANSWERED]

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From what I gather, what tends to happen after a relationship ends is that the dumpee keeps recalling the relationship in a very biased manner. The dumpee tends to recall only the good times, while neglecting to remember the bad times in the relationship.

 

Do you think this is also true for the dumper? Do you think that they do the same thing after they dump the dumpee?

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My story and my ex's wouldn't be the same down the line, no doubt. But her perception and my perception were different.

 

One example: At Jewel, she asked the clerk something. The clerk responded. She got upset and said "Let's go.", cursing under her breath. We get to the car, I asked what was wrong. "He was rude to me."

 

I NEVER saw an ounce of rudeness in the clerk - not in body language, tone of voice, nothing. If anything, she was getting snippy with him. But she perceived it and responded as if it were true. And I think that's where our stories would be different.

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From what I gather, what tends to happen after a relationship ends is that the dumpee keeps recalling the relationship in a very biased manner. The dumpee tends to recall only the good times, while neglecting to remember the bad times in the relationship.

 

Do you think this is also true for the dumper? Do you think that they do the same thing after they dump the dumpee?

 

I think my ex and I recall both the good and the bad with equal clarity. I suspect both of us are more focused on the bad. Our stories however would be different. He views me as being the person who failed him, and I view him as walking out on the relationship

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I really wonder, I wonder if my ex even thinks about me, it's only been 19days since the break up and 17 days of NC. I find that although I was the dumpee the longer I go NC the more I can view the relationship with clarity. Although I often think about the good times far more than the bad times I can begin to see why it didn't work out and I can see more of his flaws because I'm not so in love with him anymore. I wonder if it's vice versa for him? I was pretty graceful in my actions after we broke up, I did the whole crying thing but I didn't beg him or plead, I just said 'ok I get it' and walked away and the next day apologized for telling him I hated him and wished him luck in his exams and then I went NC. And I imagine prior to the break-up he was thinking about all the bad things about me and the bad times between us but I wonder if now that i'm well and truly gone and he is fully experiencing life without me whether he is able to think more fondly of me because I'm not there on the sidelines waiting for him. Hmm do any of you dumpers find that when the ex goes NC on you, you start to appreciate the good times with them more? Sort of a case of you want what don't have?

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I would have to say that the majority of my exes would describe the relationship differently than I would, how it happened, how it was, and also how it ended. The few that would reach an agreement were the one's I loved the most.

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I think my ex and I recall both the good and the bad with equal clarity. I suspect both of us are more focused on the bad. Our stories however would be different. He views me as being the person who failed him, and I view him as walking out on the relationship

 

After you clearly explained what was wrong to him and gave him the ultimatum and he STILL didn't change? All I can say is if he thinks you failed HIM, whoa, boy....

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Speaking to an ex a few months after the break up showed that she had no clue what she even did to me in the final week we were together. Her perception of what happened was mind boggling.

 

I think this is what my ex would say about me, but over the last 2 years!!! We lived in completely different realities, I'm totally convinced of that.

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After you clearly explained what was wrong to him and gave him the ultimatum and he STILL didn't change? All I can say is if he thinks you failed HIM, whoa, boy....

 

Yeah, well, it does take two. And that's not my guilt speaking, it's just being honest.

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Oh, most definitely! In fact, I think a lot of otherwise good couples break up based on misunderstandings! Someone interprets something the other person did/said/etc. a certain way which was totally not even intended, and the other person reacts...back and forth until they are both fighting and avoiding and eventually end it all.

 

I think my ex sees me a lot differently than I do. His life was a mess and he saw me as contributing to the stress...because we were supposed to get married but I lost my job, he was having trouble at work, we were both depressed, etc. so he saw my request for more time together as MAJOR pressure and he resented me...even though I saw myself as reasonable for wanting to spend at least a couple hours a week together.

 

He probably sees our break-up as something he HAD to do in order to get his life together...like a necessary evil. He saw me as holding him back and saw himself as holding ME back.

 

I saw our break-up as unncessary. I thought that, with more understanding and communication, we could start to really look at these stressful issues and figure out a way to solve them together.

 

I think that, when you love someone, you can always find a way (both parties willing...not counting abuse, etc.). He thinks that a person must be well-established, traveled, cultured, etc. before "settling down." Funny thing is that he bothered to propose to me and told his dad his intentions to marry me several years ago. His dad even told us that we don't need lots of money to get started, that we could grow together. My ex seemed to accept this, but changed his mind obviously.

 

So it all depends on what the other person SEES and BELIEVES, not necessarily what is TRUE. I might think the sky is red and he might think it's green...when it's really blue.

 

Our perception can cause doom or abundance...it's all in how you see it. If my ex would have "seen" differently, we might still be together, but vision is limited.

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WW I can relate strongly to your post. My ex cannot tolerate stress. Period. His, or anyone else in his life having stress. He completely freaks out. And all our original problems started when he experienced high stress and I experienced high stress - he never from that minute on was able to be the same person ever again.

 

That was 3 years ago.

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Thank you, WW. I was feeling so down and sad and missing my ex until I read your post. This is the EXACT same reason why my ex and I split up. It just reminded me of another reason why my ex and I wouldn't have worked. We saw things too differently.

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