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How do i convince him??


MyNinja

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whats up?

 

My boyfriend of 8 months is so good to me and vice versa. He's always looking out for my well-being and takes a genuine interest in me.

 

(A little background info: He had a crush on me at our church earlier last year which I noticed, and I made the first move.

 

He also was married previously to a woman older than him three years ago who used him obtain a child and to use his money because he is the pastor's son and their family travels the world to spread the gospel. she wanted to travel as well, so she married him)

 

The problem is, is that he's waiting for me to mess up, to make a mistake, to tell him that I don't really love him so he can say, "I knew it...it was too good to be true". He's very sensitive and will blow a misunderstanding out of porportion and will continue to question my feelings for him and it's draining me and it's starting to make me question how much this is worth it. I can understand completely how he must feel because of what his ex did, but that leaves me in a awkward position. I feel like I'm taking the beating from what she did. I have to keep proving myself to him

 

He once admitted that he though I must only be interested in him because of his looks or that because he comes from a wealthy family, but he finally stopped because he saw that I really cared for him and he knew that I didn't know anything about his family or his ex-wife situation prior to me liking him...I found all that out after we got together.

 

I just want to knoe what i can do or say that will make him realize that I'm not trying to use him or play games with his emotions because i want a loving relationship just as he does..he just needs to know that I'm for real

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nothing you can say. all you can do is keep showing him you are in the relationship and putting forth effort.

 

if he keeps acting like this and 'waiting' for you to mess up he's probably not as into the relationship as you think.

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Tell him that you are with him because you love him. Then say that you would be very unhappy if he broke up with you because he doesn't believe you and thinks you only want him because of his looks or his wealth but you will understand if he does and will not beg him to change his mind.

 

Tell him it's his decision to make and you will accept whichever it is.

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wow, he sounds like my friend's ex! they just broke up. he was very sensitive, she said she was always walking in eggshells and felt like she was having to 'make up for' his previous gfs mistakes. eventually, she couldn't take it anymore. it sounds like your guy needs some therapy/counseling. if he doesn't, i don't know how much more of this you can take either. man, i was tired just from hearing my gf complain about his behavior!! and i didn't even have to deal with it!!!

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Yeah it sucks, for the first three months everything was fairytale, so to speak, then the questioning started and he got super sensitive. He said all the girlfriends he had lied to him, cheated, used him, always made fun of his hearing problem (he has slight hearing loss in his left ear) and I guess he expected me to be another one of "those girls). He also said he never thought he would end up with me despite the fact that he had a crush on me. He said he always watched me and really enjoyed my personality. Is he still in disbelief or something that there is someone out there who really cares for him? Could this be why he's pushing me away?

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I feel like I'm taking the beating from what she did. I have to keep proving myself to him

 

Its good that you are willing to help him work through his difficulties and insecurites but do not allow yourself to become a doormat to him. We all carry little quirks from past relationships, but nobody has the right to take out something that an ex did to them on their current S.O. The next time he starts his crap you may want to take a more aggressive approach and remind him that you are not his ex, and that you are sick of him treating you that way. Furthermore remind him of what a good thing you two have and that the past is the past. If he really cares about you than he will make an effort to let go of the past, and enjoy his life with you.

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I have much empathy for you in your situation. Please know that there is hope for the relationship. I would first encourage you to stay positive and realize that your positive behavior and reinforcement will help a lot over time. The second is to realize that you cannot 'convince' someone else of anything. He is a grown up who makes his own decision about life.

 

What is important here is to maintain a very strong sense of internal control. This is not only useful in your relationship with him, this is a general skill in life that will be of use to you. You have expressed knowledge of his past hurts. The question is, do you feel real sympathy for his feelings and situation? I had known about my bf's bad past, but it was not until I FELT a genuine understanding of his uncertainty, fear, and insecurity did long lastings feelings of compassion, patience, and understanding emanate from me. If he couldn't even trust his WIFE, how would he be able to trust you so soon (8 months is relatively soon in the life of a long term relationship). I would suggest to you that real trust takes a couple of years to truly sink in ... which is right around the time many people decide to commit to each and get engaged. Interesting huh?

 

Essentially, what you REALLY need is to develop more patience within YOURSELF. The more understanding you can express to him and the more of a positive attitude about the relationship that you communicate to him, the more he will NATURALLY relax little by little about the relationship. I have seen this firsthand with my bf. He is absoluely gorgeous, but he's had lots of rough breaks in past relationships (his ex-wife left him 10 years ago etc) so he was definitely wary. Here's the deal. If he didn't want to be in a relationship, he would not have pursued you. What he's doing now is unconscously testing you to determine if you are a suitable long term partner. It's not exactly fair, but it's true.

 

And it's the calm, sweet, understanding woman who stands confidently, yet independently, by his side who will be the one he marries. The question is: do you want to be that woman?

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You have some really great responses. I couldn't agree with them more. He has some wounds that he needs to deal with. All you can do is be there for him and continue to be the kind, caring person he fell in love with. Time will heal these wounds, as he learns to trust again. Although counseling would certainly speed it up.

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You have some really great responses. I couldn't agree with them more. He has some wounds that he needs to deal with. All you can do is be there for him and continue to be the kind, caring person he fell in love with. Time will heal these wounds, as he learns to trust again. Although counseling would certainly speed it up.

 

Yes, I should note that my bf is in therapy. He takes responsibility for his healing. While you can encourage a happy, healthy relationship, it's really up to him to learn how to make peace with his past.

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