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So the guy I met just got out of a 4 year relationship- Need insight!!!


volpe
Your Boyfriend Left You - So What?
Your Boyfriend Left You - So What?

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So, I posted about the phenomenal dates I had with this guy that lasted 21 hours in 2 days, and the connection we had. And then, I posted about whether to call him or not. I just sensed something a little odd, and I wasn't sure what it was, I couldn't place it.

 

Needless to say, after some awkward conversation on the phone in which he said that I was tired and should sleep and maybe was too tired to meet up, and said maybe I should sleep and if I felt like meeting up still I could call him... and asked me if it was o.k., I said, no, it wasn't o.k. actually we make plans or we don't make plans. I didn't like to say it like that, but he asked me if it was o.k. and I told him the truth.

 

So we met up last night, and even though we had good convo there was sort of an elephant I felt like... and he finally said that he had to say something serious, and that he just got out of a 4 year relationship 2 weeks ago. I am not sure how the details work, I think she was living with him and his family and then moved out three months ago, and then finally 2 weeks ago or so after he moved here (where she is from) she made it clear it wasn't going to work out. He was hurt more than she was, so he was still trying to make it work with her. He says she is right, she doesn't want to have kids and he does, and so that was part of it, and there are various incompatibilities, but it was still hard for him anyways. He says he is not in denial about it.

 

He said that he struggled with it all weekend while I was gone because he met me and really liked me and it was confusing for him because of this whole situation, he knows this whole thing just ended and he still needs to grieve it. He did date one other girl I think during these last few months, so I know that they were broken up, but maybe trying to work it out or whatever.

 

So.... it really confirmed for me that my anxiousness was based in reality once more, I felt something wasn't totally right. I told him I had felt it from him and that I thought he might not call me. He said he wouldn't do that, and that if I hadn't called him he would have been upset... that he didn't want me to bail on him because he is sharing so much about himself with me that he doesn't share with people... and he told me about some of his issues with communication and conflict and avoiding it... and how the whole issue on the phone was avoiding conflict with me... related to his family, etc.

 

So, I felt an overwhelming feeling of just... seeing how he really is trying to be honest with himself about where he is at, and improve himself and his communication, and we had a very raw emotionally open moment last night, which was very good. And I told him that I just don't know... what the right thing to do is. Obviously, the two of us are unable to be together without taking it seriously, that just automatically we click like that.... but that obviously he needs to heal and grieve and I am afraid that being involved with me will prevent that healing.

 

I really like him, I can see he has some communication issues to work on, but he is open to working on it, and that's what is important... no one is perfect. But I think we do need to take things slow. I just don't know how. I am not sure what the right thing to do is?

 

Do I:

-continue to just see him maybe once a week, keep things platonic with just some of this nice kissing we have going on

-have him call me in a few months?

-just be friends and be supportive while he works on this??? and date other people???

 

He said that the way he saw it at first was there were two options:

1) be serious

2) go separate ways

 

But because he can't be serious now, he is hoping there is a third way which is to take things really slowly.

 

I think he is a really great guy. I feel bad for him actually, cause I know he is going through a lot, and I do want to be supportive. I don't want to just disappear. But I know I have to look out for myself too... I don't want to get attached to someone that is just on the rebound, if that's what this is??? How do I know if our connection is just rebound?

 

Funny, he told me that his cousin is actually getting married to a woman he met two weeks after he got out of a long term relationship, so I know it does happen, but I just want to be cautious.

 

Thoughts? Experiences? Insight?

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hey hockey boy... it's more than 2 weeks... i mean, it's been going on for three months (she moved out three months ago) and it's 2 weeks since it was final final.

 

do i just tell him to call me in a few months do you think????

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If he decides he doesn't like you that much in a year's time, then you are a "rebound". If he finds you worthwhile, then you are not a "rebound". The answer to whether you are rebound or not is convoluted as it is dependent on how he feels about you, at a certain period of time. In this instance, just be a supportive friend for a year (he might find you worthwhile by then) while dating other people. That is the best outcome. You might find other "great guy" along the process.

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Timing is not always perfect and I've seen quite a few rebounds work out fine. I actually live with a couple who have been together for 5 years and they were both each other's rebound, one of them only a few days after leaving a 3 year relationship. Of course it doesn't always work like that so I would be careful. You can take things slow and that'll give you time to see if he is really into you, or just using you to fill his lonlieness.

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we just had a little text exchange... and i suggested we don't talk at all for a month or two for him to sort things out, and when he feels his head is a little clear we can be friends and see how that feels, he wrote back positively and we made a deal to do that. i feel good about it. regardless, he is a good guy... was totally respectful... i think whoever this girl is who dumped him made a bad decision, but i do see that she probably was right about some of his communication issues, and difficulty with conflict... of course that is a learned behavior that he needs to unlearn and he is willing to work on it. i don't know. i think the girl has got to be crazy to dump him... he is a genuinely good guy. another reason to give it some time. who knows, she might actually change her mind about it and want him back?? i don't want to be in the middle of all that.

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yeah... it was really a magical story. and it really still is..... i wrote him another message just saying probably a month or two isn't enough... and that he should wait until it feels right and that if it doesn't feel right then not to call me... and that i wouldn't be angry if he doesn't. i guess, slightly pushing him away... but because i got the distinct feeling from him last night he is not really close to being over it, as much as he really was into me... i don't want to be compared to her at all or to be in the middle. it does really suck, but it is further confirmation that my gut instinct, whether or not it makes sense on paper or if i have anything concrete to point to that doesn't sound vague... it's 100% right.

 

he had actually said to me the first day we met "oh, i have something i should tell you" and i thought to myself "he came here for a girl" and then he said something about missing his summer class. and i said "oh i thought you were going to say something more serious" and he said "what?" i said... oh nothing... but... literally, i had a strange hunch the first day, isn't that crazy????? so, it's just further proof for me to really listen to my gut feeling and trust it!!!!!!! i seriously can't believe how i can just sense things so easily....

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Hi volpe,

Wow what you wrote has really hit home for me. I am in a similar situation. Im a gay guy, basically met thks really decent guy on holidays in Spain - we got along really well and he asked me to go back to his appartment - which I declined and said maybe you should wait I mean we live in the same city. He broke up with his ex 2 months ago, they were living together for 2 years and he only just moved out last week.

 

On the last day he told me he just wasnt sure and that he dumped his ex but did still miss him. I was gutted but left it. Over the holiday he had been really keen and we'd kissed and been out for dinner and so on.

 

When we got back I withdrew even though I really liked him. But unknown to me my friend set up a holiday reuinion and he showed up. He was kind of flirty but kept his distance. Then at the end of the evening when nobody was there he came and kissed me and he said you still look as handsome as ever.

 

Since that I have instigated a few text messages. He has never not replied, and has always been polite. I arranged to meet him this week Wednesday to which he said would provisionally be great as last week was busy for him. However last week he was out with a friend and he text me saying - are you out come and see me and Steve?

 

So he wants to meet up in group situations but is scared one on one is the feeling I get. How do I play this? I have completely withdrawn and not chased up our meet which was sposed to happen tonight. I'm keeping my distance. I mean he has responded favourably and the texts are always long but I think hes confused. Should I just completley abandon this and him or continue asking him out in a group situation and avoid the one to one situation? I REALLY like him but at the same time I'm not sure. Help.

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