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Friend then love interest now nothing


mrvaughn

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Hey. looking for a bit of advice with this.

 

A little over 2 years ago a girl started in my workplace & we quickly became really close friends and that's all it was...friends. I ended up leaving for another job but quickly came back as it didn't really work out. After that we got closer & closer. She has & has had a lot of stuff to deal with in her life and because we were so close she was able to tell me things that broke my heart to hear. The most amazing thing was that she is still such an amazing girl after all that's happened in her short life.

 

I ended up falling for her & always suspected she liked me too. She has a boyfriend (engaged) but she's been in tears so many times bcoz of him. She also has a young son also.

 

Back in December I told her how I felt coz it was looking like she & the boyfriend might break up. She said that her son comes first, so I thought "well at least i tried"

 

about 3 months ago she got told she was getting redeployed to another office down the street & We talked about us getting together & I was over the moon. After that day she kept saying "be patient" but didn't want to talk about it which I found strange. When she left we've always kept in contact through the internal messenger system & email, but anytime i would try & swing the conversation to 'us' she would again say "be patient" or it would end up in an argument & i would end up apologising coz i just wanted to smooth these things over. In fact, i think i apologised too much & prob convinced her that i'm the only one to blame.

 

The other problem was that, even though we agreed to meet up at lunchtimes she avoided doing so & I think most would agree that these things are the hallmark of someone who isn't interested anymore, but she would always tell me "be patient, let me do things my own way"

 

But I could never do it. My doubts really got the better of me & i couldn't work out what was going on, and the weeks were going by. We did go to lunch on one occasion & it was great, but after that i told her it was only fair to know how long i was going to have to "be patient" for & that ended up in a huge argument & me accusing her of waiting to see if the boyfriend was going to dump her first.

 

Through back & forths over email, i think my doubts have really affected me badly & i''ve given the impression of being a bit obsessive about it all, which is true if i'm honest. One particular time, we had an argument & she kinda igrored me afterwards. I sent her an email saying that if she wasn't going to speak to me again then i was glad we were mates & how I wished she would have talked to me properly about how she felt. She replied & said that "All i do is think about myself". That all she was doing was what she sometimes does with her friends when they have a fall out (which she has told me in the past about doing).

 

She said at one point that she's "starting to think she'd rather be on her own that with someone who is constantly on her case". But the way i see it, if she could have been more open & talked to me properly then things would have been fine. I find it hard to wait for someone who can't tell me how they feel about me...especially if they don't seem to want to spend any time with me either. It doesn't add up, and i don't see how asking someone the simplest questions gets seen as being 'on their case'

 

She told me the reasons for not talking & not seeing me just very recently, but it was in the middle of another argument (again all through email) and tbh they are valid reasons if you knew some of her backstory. But I feel that as she used to tell me everything before, why didn't she tell me that & stop me worrying so much. The damage had been done.

 

I feel as if the whole thing is ruined because of it all & we would have been really great together too (everyone in work tells me they could see how obvious it was that we liked each other). She's the only girl i've ever loved & i'm 26, lol

 

At the start of the week I got pulled into a meeting with management who informed me that I was lucky to still have a job as they found evidence of the two of us e-mailing each other & because of the "highly personal content". I was told that she would also be getting a formal warning. I've txted her a few times but she won't reply to them. So now i don't know if she's doing this 'temporary ignoring' thing again or if she's just not going to talk to me ever again. She had two bad experiences in my building, where a girl was jealous of her because she & i were so close & made up stuff to try & get her into trouble. So I kno that this is going to have hurt her badly...she is the only one with a job to support her son, so she's always scared of losing it as she is on a temporary contract.

 

I don't know what to do now...I love her. Any advice would be really appreciated. I know it seems like we have an argumentative relationship but we both know that it's not us. Before all of this we never even said ANYTHING close to angry words. We were solid. Please help

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tbh nothing anyone say will pull you away from this girl. You are totally blinded atm.

 

Here's a few red flags.

 

1) relationship in workplace can jeopardize her income to support her son

2) she has a boyfriend. Never touch a girl with boyfriend.

3) she's a single mom. You're 26 jesus, find a single girl.

4) she's not interested in you. You're just being used for attention.

 

Good luck buddy.

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Yeah, I can see what you are saying but her behaviour doesn't make sense because of how close we were as friends. I asked her if she had a change of heart but she says that's not the case.

 

Thing is it was always a rule of mine not to go for someone who has a bf but they were looking to break up wen i told her so i felt it was ok.

 

She definitely wasn't "using me". Trust me...i know. But i've suspected she doesn't know what she wants & can't make her mind up & perhaps that's why she doesn't want to say anything concrete.

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mrvaughn: Hi. Sorry to hear of your plight. Listen, you know already that she's not interested in you, you said so yourself. You also know you are being obsessive, again you said so yourself.

My advice is to leave her alone. You're probably scaring her with this obsession which she can also feel. She's got her own head issues too.

Take a break, go out with other girls, see where that goes.

Also, on a professional level, were you given a "no fraternization" policy from your employer and did you violate that policy?

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Yeah I know, i'll just need to do my best to forget it i guess. Always hard at first, but time will help

 

No there isn't a "no fraternization" policy but the problem is that we aren't allowed to email for personal use & a lot of the emails were really lengthy so we obviously weren't doing work when we were sending them. People in our work have been sacked before because of abusing the rule, so we were lucky really

 

I think a lot of my problems come down to the fact that I feel that i don't have a best mate in work bcoz she got redeployed, so i missed that aspect of our relationship

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Leave her alone? She has a boyfriend, and If I read correctly a fiance? Stop being "that guy" that goes after other guys women. Real dirtbag move if you ask me.

 

If It were me and I got wind of what you were doing I'd be furious and I would definitely confront you.

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Well i've never went after anyone with a bf before, but as i said when i told her how i felt it was looking like they were going to break up. Plus this guy is a real d*ckhead, you should hear some of the things he says & does to her.

 

But i'm not going to make the same mistake again coz i agree that it's certainly not cool to be "that guy"

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  • 4 weeks later...

Sorry to re-start this thread, but some of you may be interested to know that I found out that my friend lied about having a kid. She's been lying to myself & others for over two years about it. I've found out other things she's lied about from others in work & heard that in supervision with my boss she admitted that she "can't stop lying"

 

I did suspect her story tbh coz there was another part to it that was was quite disturbing (I won't go into details) but I trusted her as that's what friends do...but knowing the truth for certain is a huge vindication for me & makes this so much easier to get over.

 

I fell for an image that wasn't correct. I think that the whole patience thing may have been her putting off telling me, coz she'd think that i would never trust her again & want nothing to do with her anymore (prob true of course), but who knows if she truly liked me or not...everything she did or told me has to be treated with suspicion now.

 

It's a shame as I really did love her, and i'm a good enough guy that i'd like to tell her i know, and ask her if she's like to talk (purely as friends of course) and maybe help her stop.

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