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I don't know if I'm the dumper or dumpee -- what to do about NC?


Silverspoon
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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It's all sorts of messed up. Dating for 15 months, things seemed to go south around March -- we were definitely in a rut and overwhelmed with intense work schedules, social engagements, and endless stomach flu (as result of trip to Mexico). I told him then I wanted to have more fun, and he agreed to work on it -- but then neither of us did anything to improve things, and life went on. He just grew grumpier, and I got sadder and resentful -- we continued just to do as we always did (and 98% of the time was his decisions on where to go, what to do, etc.)

 

Fast forward to two and a half weeks ago, he calls me on a Friday night, and fumbles with his words and says he isn't having much fun anymore -- I agree, and he says he very much wants to work on it with me. We agree to do more one-on-one dates, reconnect and stop being a slave to social engagements. However, I'm upset, and think that despite this agreement, we're still on the ropes.

 

That Saturday night, he asks me to go out, I tell him I can't because I have plans with the girls. Sunday, he texts to say he's going to have a BBQ and would I want to come, and who else should we invite. We have his friends and my friends over, and we have a great time. During the party, he and I talk, and he says "I really, really like you, I am so attracted to you, there are so many reasons why we should be together." I agree and am v. pleased.

 

On Monday (of Memorial Day weekend), he decides to have some folks over for dinner and wants to know if I want to come over. Having just gotten home from the gym, I decline -- besides which, I hadn't recovered from the night before. Then the texts start coming from him, checking in with me and asking me to come over. He calls later, and we have a very awkward and short conversation.

 

On Tuesday, he says he's meeting up with some friends, did I want to come meet them out later after work. I say ok, since I am feeling guilty that I didn't post the night before. I show up and he is shnockered -- and over the rest of the evening, he basically ignores me except when telling me his desires for "later," and then at one point, tells me to "shut up" when I try to get involved in the conversation. He's was completely out of control.

 

His friends leave, and it's just he and I. I tell him it's BS to have told me to shut up, and that I'm not happy with the way things are. He then tells me that he's been feeling like I've been trying to break up with him for a while. I say, I need a break for a bit -- I can't do this like this anymore. He gets tears in his eyes, says he doesn't want this break at all and won't call me until I call him. I am bawling, and say I'm sorry and leave.

 

The next six days, I feel relieved -- like a weight has been lifted. I can do what I want, go wherever, etc. without worrying I'm letting him down by not being available. I go away for the weekend to see some friends and family, and have an awesome time. I return home on Sunday, and I realize, he's the first person I want to tell all about this, because he has become my best friend and I just plain old missed him. I also thought we weren't getting anywhere by not talking either -- so I call and get his VM.

 

He calls me back the next night. I take the opportunity to read him a draft email I had prepared with my concerns, which included not being valued and taken for granted. I tell him that I need to look out for me, that I was offended that he said he wasn't having v. much fun b/c we always did what he wanted to do and I tried real hard to keep him happy -- but seldom ever felt it in reverse. He said he needed time to think about why he wasn't able to give me what I needed, and why he's been unhappy/frustrated these past couple of months.

 

A week goes by and I am very, very sad and regretful that I lunged for this break as my first course of action. I send him an email seven days later, owning up to my mistakes -- he previously had told me to speak up when decisions were made b/c he wasn't a mind reader. I apologized for neglecting my own responsibilities, told him that I missed him lots and hoped we could talk soon.

 

And now, no response from him.

 

What do I do here? Do I go into NC? But what if I'm the dumper?

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if i was him i would do NC for life. you did him a favor. what kind of girl sees her relationship crumbles before her eyes and has the audacity to decline bonding time because " she already made plans with the girls"?

 

That's not a fair assessment. Oftentimes when things are going south we try to step back and get some air by doing other things. This is natural, and oftentimes helpful. If you were in a rut, it's likely you were spending too much time together, or at least not using the time you spend together to do fun things that bring you closer. You were both bored...this happens.

 

I don't think your relationship is unsalvagable. I would just give him space. You've told him how you feel and what you want to do, so now let him think about it. Some people like to take their time to process things, and your bf may be someone like that. Just try to relax, and don't try to rush anything. Instead, work on yourself and the things that you contributed to the break up. Understand WHY it happened. I think you both were wanting it in some way at the end, and both of you were unhappy. It doesn't mean you're uncompatible or that you can't work, things have merely become stale. A little time apart could be just the thing to put the spark back in your relationship.

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This sounds so familiar to me. Tread carefully here. Too much may make him think you don't respect him. Too little and he may think you don't care enough. My ex (she was in your shoes) did too little at first and too much at the end. Completely drove me away.

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