Women don't know what they want?

[Symbolic]

I've had this huge question for a long time and now I've found this website where I can put it out there and see what people think, forums are amazing!!!! haha!

 

Oh and sorry if this isn't the right forum, I really couldn't figure out where else I should put it.

 

Wow this is pretty long! Hopefully its compelling and action packed enough to keep you reading!

 

Anyways, I have this problem see, and I'm not sure how to fix it!

 

A little background I guess. Every girlfriend I've had (well maybe not EVERY, but close enough) and some of the girls I have simply talked to, has said I'm a very sweet guy. I've been told that I'm the "perfect guy!" Because I'm sweet (can't help it) I listen (i like listening and talking) I always treat girls right (I grew up with a lot of them so i guess I have to?) and what other reasons I don't know. I've even had girls I didn't know for more than like a month say they would marry me!

 

Now I don't try to be all these things. I do my best to be myself. I don't even understand why half of the things I say are sweet, but I get "oh your so sweet!" a lot. But then again, things like a small ketchup bottle can be "cute" to a girl so I generally don't try to figure it out lol.

 

SO, if I'm supposedly such a great guy, how come I never have had a real relationship? Every time I get anywhere with a girl, things just seems to fall off. They one day just lose interest in me and things go quickly down the tubes.

 

Usually they stop talking to me, or they wont text me back, or they just put off this attitude like they just don't care. And the funny thing is, I could see that happening if I was overbearing. But I'm always very relaxed with it. If they don't respond, I don't go crazy and act mad. I wait for them to call me back or they say they want to see me. But its always the same, once things slow down (which is always fast, like a couple weeks after we start dating) its pretty much over.

 

I don't know what I do wrong. The last girl I was with, she said I was clingy. I didn't see her but maybe once or twice a month, and we lived 15 minutes from each other. Was I wrong to want to see her more than once in a month? I got mad at her, because she would make numerous plans with me and always cancel them! She asked if I was mad and I said yes, and she said I was crazy! I never yelled or acted nuts. Is this all wrong? If I were to be angry and yell, would women flip and be like "oh im sorry baby! im sorry!" But because I'm a nice guy they walk over me and just tell me I'm a clingy a-hole? Oh, and she talked about wanting to have a real relationship with me so I didn't think it was a sort of F buddy thing ya know?

 

I have a LDR recently, and we talked for like, 22 hours straight one day! and pretty much all day every day for a few weeks before I deployed. I felt so strongly for her (we have everything in common and think the same way) we said we love eachother and all that. It was amazing, I felt great. What happens? I deploy and she wont even respond to a simple message but she has time to play with facebook and stuff. Have I reacted all crazy? No, I posted a thread on this forum asking for advice before I go off saying anything negative to her yet. I always wait a while and see if things will get better before I just cut it off, or ask * * * ?

 

I don't know what I do wrong with girls to make them lose interest in me. The best responses I've ever gotten out of girls is when I accidently do something that makes me look like an A-hole. Then what happens? They get all lovey dovey and want to see me and all this junk. The last couple girls, when they started canceling plans or not talking to me I simply deleted them from my phone and never spoke to them again. I won't wait around for a girl who treats me like crap. It just sucks because every single girlfriend I've had has treated me like crap.

 

I think maybe I'm too sweet. Women say what kind of guy they want all the time, and that they are sick of A-holes. And I can hardly believe all the stories I hear. I can't imagine how so many guys get away with the terrible things they do to women. I would never think to do any of the things in the stories I hear. Is this my problem? Am I not A-hole enough? If I need to be more of a jerk I don't think I can do it. Its not my nature. I'm a caring, funny, laid back guy. I can't help it. To be a jerk is hard for me.

 

I've heard the debate. Its not A-holes, its about confidence. Well I have the confidence to meet and hook up with girls. I think I'm pretty confident. So my only other conclusion is that women like jerks.

 

So what do you all think?

[EQD]

seems like you should pay attention to what YOU do between the point where they fancy you, and the point where they drop off.

alot of guys will 'creep' a girl out by some of the things they do, or if they are too coy and dont make a strong move of interest towards commitment the girl may think "well i guess he just isnt interested" and moves on.

 

so before you subscribe to some terribly off the mark cliche.. look into what you are doing during this crucial time.

remember, those girls have come and gone, yet the only constant has been you.. so thats where you should start the evaluation.

[dhjjessel]

people say stuff and dont really think about the consequences. I can trace back the most potent romance i have ever had to the time shortly after we met that she said to me "if i didnt have a boyfriend, you would be the right guy for me"

i guess from there my imagination took over, and here I am 3 years later having been repeatedly told "you're too good for me" and "maybe we would be more suited in the future," btu she went off with someone else and i am heartbroken

the fact is that no one knows what they want

you have to take what you get, minimise your expectations, and dont drop your guard in blind faith.

[EQD]

"I don't know what I do wrong. The last girl I was with, she said I was clingy."

 

"and we talked for like, 22 hours straight one day! and pretty much all day every day for a few weeks before I deployed."

 

^^this right here is the problem i think. you come on too strong.

people like personal space, they like feeling independent while having interest in someone else. But how much personal time does 22 hours of talking on the phone with you leave?

the relationship burned out, the girl probably thought it was okay for a second and then immediately felt smothered.

 

People who have their own interests and who remain aloof (see: aloofness is common in assholes which is why people get confused) dont do this to women.

but when you are interested in a girl you throw everything out the window and the girl gets freaked out.

 

so.. its not that 'women like assholes' its that women like feeling like they dont have someone clinging to them. theres no real pressure to stay 1" from you.

thats comforting to men and women alike.

 

other negative vibes you could be sending by acting this way is insecurity, obsessiveness, and overly dependent or desperate.

none of those qualities are ones you want to have. and those do best at driving relationships away FAST.

 

work on these, work on feeling more secure in a single position, and when you get in a relationship try to keep from the 'hot and heavy' sometimes less IS more.

 

good luck

[dhjjessel]

yeah i think that a man who is independent and doesnt need anyone, pursues interests that fulfil him, etc, is key. In my case, I had a pretty good excuse for being clingy - my mum died about 2 months into our relationship. Tough break - didnt change the fact that I lost her in the process

[In the Dark]

Hmm this thread is a bit of an eye opener for me and my situation.

Especially from what EQD said.

I have heard this and I can relate.

 

Thing is I am giving space and I don't talk to her unless talked to, but she will disappear at the drop of a hat.

 

Her parents love me, she loves me but needs space to sort her * * * * out as she is not interested in other people.

 

It's so hard to give space though. . . .

[Symbolic]

Shes the one who wanted to talk! She didn't want me to go to sleep that day! lol. And it wasn't on the phone, it was ventrillo.

 

And I've tried to "aloof" thing. Simply not texting or calling. It doesn't seem to change things. The last girl, she would call me, every day, and text me every morning. Soon, she just stopped all together. I don't really know if I do too much or too little. How can I tell? I can't be perfect and do the perfect balance. I know not to do too much, and I know you need to show interest. I have thought about these things when deciding whether or not to call or whatever.

 

Anyways, with the last girl, if I talked to her too much and she doesnt want to bother with me, then what do I do? Do I just ignore her until she decides she wants to talk to me again?

 

How can she say all this stuff, tell me she loves me, and then as easy as pie just ditch me? Just be like "nah I don't care about this fool at all". I don't understand that at all. All I did was send her a message saying i miss her and how is she doing. Thats nothing, she can't say anything to that?! Good god!

[EQD]

the problem i can see here is that you are still focusing way too much on the girl. you ask how much you should be aloof but its always so you will be able to hold onto a girl.

 

dont make that your motivating factor, its tell tale that at this point in time you really do have too much emphasis on them.

 

For example, she may have wanted to talk to you for 22 hours, BUT--if you had a hobby or something to do you may have only talked for say... 30minutes to an hour before you cut the convo and had to go do your thing. Doing this is merely being yourself and taking care of your business, but the girl didnt get her fill of you either way,, and thus would be reeling to speak to you next time, like the next day.

 

instead of 22 hours.

 

Now this is all subjective to who you date, you are going to meet people like everyone else does who simply wont work in a relationship. either its incompatable or they are unstable. there is no changing that. but what you CAN change is the things you do to hurt the growth of a new relationship.

[EQD]

Also, there are a good deal of women out there who are naturally flakes. its best to identify those negative qualities and ditch those women before letting them or you get wrapped up in lust.

a stricter set of guidelines and more awareness of her qualities will cut down your pool of women you would have normally dated and wasted your time on.

 

This will make you a bit more lonely, but if you stick to your standards and watch for red flags the quality of woman that you eventually invest yourself in will be virtually guaranteed.

[dhjjessel]

so even if you are totally satisfied by someones company and conversation, you should make a deliberate effort to retain all of your interests, and even make new ones, to keep your appeal up as a boyfriend

it is not easy for most, but you get used to it

its a delicate balance because they want attention, but they dont want to be the sole focus of your attention; you should also have a life full of hobbies and responsibilities and money and fame and stuff

 

its all a bit ridiculous really - i should just become asexual (in fact i kind of am at the moment)

[Symbolic]

Our hobby is sort of the same we play a computer game. That's what really made it possible to talk for so long. I can understand a women wanting a man with hobbies and things going for him. But in her case she really has nothing going for her, she lives with her parents and has no job. I could care less about these things, but I do have a fairly nice life, I don't know if she would be like "damn this guy is a loser!" cuz frankly she would be too! lol.

 

I think I did move pretty quickly with her. But it was all so...reciprocated? Wrong word? I dunno, everything I put out came back the same and more, and better. I thought things were like....the absolute most awesome of any girl I've ever met. She seemed to feel how I felt, and we sort of went back and forth escalating things until the point where we were saying I love you and all that. I've never ever been even close to saying that to a girl before. Things did move fast with her. I thought it was a two way street but I guess not. I'll just leave her alone for a while.

 

The main thing that makes it hard is I'm deployed. I work, I go to the gym, and I sleep. Other than that I have 12 hours a day at work to think about stuff, and shes the only thing on my mind. There are no hobbies over here lol. My hobby is the gym right now.

 

When I think back to the last girl i was with. After sex one day, she asked me if I was in love with her yet. I told her no, not yet. It was too soon, and she had been not talking much and canceling plans. Then she popped out with that! I felt like she was using me. After that she really really didn't talk to me, so I forgot about her. I don't know what was on her mind. Either she really liked me (although it didn't know) or she wanted me to like, buy her stuff and give her a "normal life" or something.

 

Other girls, its hard to remember, its been a long time. I guess I can be too focused on the girl. I don't have any real hobbies. I used to play basketball 24/7 but then I never even met new girls. Now I'm in the military it seems like that is my life until I get out. There doesn't seem like time for anything else, especially when I deploy every year sometimes twice a year. I can definitely see how I put too much focus on girls though. I guess in the future ill be more uh "forgetful" and "aloof". I just hope I can do the right balance and not make them think im not interested!

 

The LDR though, i really do have very high hopes for it. I don't want to scare her away, or mess things up, I really care about this one. Girls are too technical, I need a manual. I guess this is my manual? Wheres the part that tells me which spark plug is out?

[EQD]

so since you are prone to going with the flow, and becoming 'clingy' you should work to avoid women who also have the tendency to be clingy.

any way you hash it too much of a good thing is a bad thing.

but thats all you really need to do, just keep thinking about what could be messing you up and holding you back and work to either fix it or avoid it.

[EQD]

so even if you are totally satisfied by someones company and conversation, you should make a deliberate effort to retain all of your interests, and even make new ones, to keep your appeal up as a boyfriend

it is not easy for most, but you get used to it

its a delicate balance because they want attention, but they dont want to be the sole focus of your attention; you should also have a life full of hobbies and responsibilities and money and fame and stuff

 

its all a bit ridiculous really - i should just become asexual (in fact i kind of am at the moment)

 

by all means you should try not to lose yourself in any relationship you are in.

you dont have to create barriers, but try not to lose all of it.

 

dating is frustrating, but its a two way street. there are things about men that have them feeling just as you do about women. its crazy.

so try and have some empathy becasue you all arent the only ones confused and suffering from a case of oppositegenderitis! lol

[Symbolic]

so since you are prone to going with the flow, and becoming 'clingy' you should work to avoid women who also have the tendency to be clingy.

any way you hash it too much of a good thing is a bad thing.

but thats all you really need to do, just keep thinking about what could be messing you up and holding you back and work to either fix it or avoid it.

 

I would think that would work better. I'd love to have a girl who wants to spend lots of time with me. I would like to experience what its like to "get sick" of someone from spending too much time with them!

[roctown]

You're doing everything you can man. You're being yourself and being genuine. The problem with the way you are is that you're going to have to find a woman who loves you for who you are. By "problem" I mean it will be difficult. But, overall, this is the best way. Guys who gain relationships through being a jerk may have sparked a woman's interest, but the relationship will be a poor one in the long term. If you tried to pretend to be that way, it would be even worse.

 

One thing you do need to change is your outlook. "Why don't they like me? Why did she stop calling?" Who cares, your focus should be on why they weren't good enough for you anyways. You were yourself 100% of the time, so its their loss. I think you're getting some interest in one girl and then putting that girl on a pedestal. Everything should fall into place If you change your outlook from "how can I get this girl to like me" to "I'm giving her a chance, maybe I'll like her maybe I won't." Basically, you should be the one making the decisions, not them, ESPECIALLY if you're a sweet, quality guy.

[EQD]

I would think that would work better. I'd love to have a girl who wants to spend lots of time with me. I would like to experience what its like to "get sick" of someone from spending too much time with them!

 

careful what you wish for my friend.

'getting sick' of someone will end your relationship and attraction just as fast as anything else.

imagine your favorite food, and imagine eating it 2 out of 3 meals a day.

in a week or two you'd never want to see it again.

the effects are practically irreversable.... and i miss how much i enjoyed oatmeal cream pies. i can never get that enjoyment back now. lol

[Symbolic]

How would I go about doing that?

[roctown]

careful what you wish for my friend.

'getting sick' of someone will end your relationship and attraction just as fast as anything else.

imagine your favorite food, and imagine eating it 2 out of 3 meals a day.

in a week or two you'd never want to see it again.

the effects are practically irreversable.... and i miss how much i enjoyed oatmeal cream pies. i can never get that enjoyment back now. lol

 

Relationship space is a tricky issue; when is it lacking, leading to what you're talking about? When is it too much, making it difficult for the both of you to integrate your lives?

 

Different strokes, obviously, but I've always felt that the both of you should just lead diverse, healthy lives with lots of friends and stuff to do. In other words, I don't manufacture space. If we both have time to hang out, I don't give it a second thought. I allow our lives to basically create space and time apart; when she has to work, I get space. When I spend time with guy friends, she gets space. That's pretty much all I try to do.

 

I think that if you're planning for space, you're thinking too much and the both of you aren't busy enough in your lives. But I do agree that space is necessary.

[EQD]

Relationship space is a tricky issue; when is it lacking, leading to what you're talking about? When is it too much, making it difficult for the both of you to integrate your lives?

 

Different strokes, obviously, but I've always felt that the both of you should just lead diverse, healthy lives with lots of friends and stuff to do. In other words, I don't manufacture space. If we both have time to hang out, I don't give it a second thought. I allow our lives to basically create space and time apart; when she has to work, I get space. When I spend time with guy friends, she gets space. That's pretty much all I try to do.

 

I think that if you're planning for space, you're thinking too much and the both of you aren't busy enough in your lives. But I do agree that space is necessary.

 

 

i agree with this. you put it in better words that i could.

relationships should be an integration of pre-existing hobbies and such. the space should be natural and not made up to suit the cause.

[Symbolic]

careful what you wish for my friend.

'getting sick' of someone will end your relationship and attraction just as fast as anything else.

imagine your favorite food, and imagine eating it 2 out of 3 meals a day.

in a week or two you'd never want to see it again.

the effects are practically irreversable.... and i miss how much i enjoyed oatmeal cream pies. i can never get that enjoyment back now. lol

 

Mmmm oatmeal creme pies!

 

I just want a creme pie, I mean girl, who wants to spend some time with me!

 

I had a female friend, we spent all day every day together for like a year! It was a great friendship and we never got sick of each other. We could never be together though ( a religious thing) and I ended up falling in love with her. It took a while but you cant stop it once it starts, so we have since stopped talking, it made me depressed to know we could never be more so I pretty much ended the friendship. But I guess the moral of that story is I have the ability to withstand a lot of 1 on 1 time I guess. We literally did EVERYTHING together lol.

 

Btw, I end up eating breakfast two times a day here, (and same on my last deployment) I can no longer eat bacon, and eggs are a rare food for me to eat now. It sucks!

[COtuner]

There's always the very real factor of chemistry, too. Maybe you guys just didn't have it from her perspective. That can have nothing to do with behavior.

 

Throwing that out there as an option.

 

And hang in there during deployment - there are friendships and lifelong memories that can come out of these things on the positive side too. (I grew up a Brat)

[roctown]

How would I go about doing that?

 

Were you talking to me? Anyways, if you were, you just have to keep plugging away.

 

People always say that you need to be 'less clingy', give her her 'space' and all that. There's some truth to it, definitely, but its a tough balancing act, because you also need to find someone who's going to be a good match for what you want in a relationship.

 

That should be your focus, basically. Not "why didn't they like me," but "hopefully the next girl I meet is more compatible with what I want in a relationship" in terms of time spent talking to eachother, time spent hanging out, etc.

 

Another big one is that she needs to have similar interests as you. I'm not talking about little things like she likes baseball like you do, I'm talking about what she likes to do when you're together. The reason I love my girlfriend so much is because we're almost always on the same page when it comes to "what we want to do tonight." We almost always both want to sit on the couch, or go out for dinner, or go out to a bar, or go camping, or whatever. Its like ideas for what to do come into each of our heads at the same time. That's the kind of connection that I value, and until I found that in another person, I wasn't going to put a lot of effort into her.

 

Basically, you need to sit down and decide what you're really looking for. You have time at work to think about things? Think about that. Quit trying to match yourself up to whatever girl you meet. That's why it doesn't work. They are probably realizing that you're not a good match while you're not even thinking about that for yourself and you're left wondering what happened. Don't try to conform yourself to girls that you meet, it won't work.

 

Basically, it sounds like you're doing a good job. You're meeting girls and taking the time to get to know them, which is all you can do. The fact that it hasn't worked isn't your fault. You just need to change your outlook so that it doesn't hurt your feelings so much when it doesn't work.

[Symbolic]

Yes I was talking to you roctown.

 

And do you or EQD have advice for me when it comes to this?

 

 

 

Like you said roctown, you want a girl with things in common. Well.....we have everything in common it seems. There are some differences of course. But we have the same mentality when it comes to stuff too.

 

I've never, ever, EVER met a female with anything in common with me besides like...we both like animals or something. This girl amazes me in every way, and I'm really feeling like she doesn't care anymore. It sucks, I'd hate to lose the ONE girl in the whole world who likes the same things as me, and thinks the same way I do!

 

I don't know what to do though, if I should say something to her or not.

[EQD]

never make someone a priority who only makes you an option... er.. something like that.

[roctown]

Yes I was talking to you roctown.

 

And do you or EQD have advice for me when it comes to this?

 

 

 

Like you said roctown, you want a girl with things in common. Well.....we have everything in common it seems. There are some differences of course. But we have the same mentality when it comes to stuff too.

 

I've never, ever, EVER met a female with anything in common with me besides like...we both like animals or something. This girl amazes me in every way, and I'm really feeling like she doesn't care anymore. It sucks, I'd hate to lose the ONE girl in the whole world who likes the same things as me, and thinks the same way I do!

 

I don't know what to do though, if I should say something to her or not.

 

Well, you never know, either. She might have had a boyfriend already and was just messing around, or she might have gotten back together with an ex, or she might just have major commitment issues.

 

The whole thing is just to not get down on yourself. These things are never your fault, unless you screwed things up because you were playing games and it didn't work.