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Together but not together, what do I do?


janice_p

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Me and my boyfriend broke up a couple months ago. It was horrible for me, completely unexpected. Even though we had been fighting a lot, he seemed completely smitten with me anyways. But there is history to this whole thing.

 

His first serious girlfriend hurt him a lot. They had been fighting a lot/constantly breaking up and getting back together much like him and I did, until one day she didn't come back and he almost killed himself. He was admitted to a hospital after this, but not of his own free will.

 

Well anyways, our relationship had been very rocky from the beginning. I wasn't over my ex when we first got together (stupid I know, but I was younger and honestly thought it was completely over between me and my ex) so when my ex came back to me, I broke up with my boyfriend and went to see my ex, and ending up sleeping with him. However, even though me and my boyfriend broke up, we still saw each other all the time/slept together, so it was still wrong of me to do anything with my ex, especially when my boyfriend really liked me from the beginning.

 

After this we did not have a good relationship. When I confessed to him that I slept with my ex, and told him how horrible I felt, he forgave me but not in his heart. He ended up sleeping with several girls over the next 6 or 7 months, and I didn't find out until the last time, when I caught him (his friend spilled the beans). I also caught him one other time a few months before that, but I forgave him for that one because I went to see my ex again that weekend, and I did sleep with him again.

 

When I caught him the last time, it was a very emotional period. At some point we decided to both come clean about all the times we had been unfaithful and start fresh. We did, and he confessed that he slept with his best friend, who had moved into the apartment next to him after this had happened. I freaked, I truly believed they did not see each other in that way. It only happened once, and they were really drunk, and me and my boyfriend had gotten into a huge drunken fight that night and broke up. But it still hurt like crazy, and for a few months after we confessed these things to each other, I couldn't let go of that one and 'start fresh'.

 

Even though we got into many fights over it, when we weren't fighting our relationship was on a whole new level than before the confessions. We were much more connected, much more in love. The sex became 100 times better, the best sex either of us have ever had. He even bought me a diamond promise ring and white gold earrings to match, and with it wrote me a love note about how he was going to try his hardest from now on to make me the happiest girl in the world, and how he really truly loves me.

 

But the fighting did not stop, mostly on my part, because I was not over what had happened with his best friend. I told him several times that earlier in the day before I came to see him, I was sure I was going to break up with him. I didn't mean to say it to scare him; I was kind of laughing at myself and how emotional/dramatic I was being.

 

However, he started becoming less interested in sex. He became an insomniac. After about a month of this, I broke up with him because it seemed to me like he was losing interest in me, only a few months after getting me the promise ring. I left and did not come back until the next day. We got back together, and went to a party the next day.

 

After the party I was looking through his message history on MSN (I did that a lot, I just couldn't trust him after all the times he cheated on me - I know it was wrong and vow to never do that again, nor be with someone I do not trust) and saw that he was asking friends about this girl he met there. I asked him about it and he broke up with me, saying things hadn't been working lately. Over the next few weeks, I found out he had make a fake Facebook account so he could message this girl without me knowing, and I found a poem he wrote about her one night when I slept over (we had still been seeing each other every now and then - he told me he still loved me). The poem detailed how strongly he felt was this girl he met at the party; how beautiful she was, how much he wanted to be with her but was scared. The poem also mentioned me, and how he gave a part of his heart to me, and also how he was scared because relationships never work for him.

 

I confronted him about the poem (he told me he didn't have feelings for that girl he met) and he insisted the poem "wasn't about her" (even though it obviously was) and later that day told our mutual friend that he can't see me anymore because he doesn't want to hurt me and he needs to get his head on straight. This was devastating to me. After everything we had been through, I was sure it would only make our relationship stronger in the end, and the feelings and connection between us had been so strong that I felt like it was all a lie.

 

We ended up talking again, and in my mind I had decided that the girl he met at the party was nothing but a rebound for him, because that poem described feelings too strong to be possible for only knowing the girl for a couple weeks. And, him and the girl stopped talking really, mostly on her part according to friends.

 

During this breakup I also realized something else: he is bipolar. Looking back at his actions and personality since I've known him, the bill fits perfectly. There is no doubt in my mind that he is bipolar, although right now he is not in a financial or social situation to be getting any help.

 

Since we started talking we have had several nights where we've talked about our feelings and everything that has happened. One night, while we were still 'friends' and keeping our distance when we see each other, he walked me home from a friend's house. It was very difficult for him to say, and took him a very long time to get it all out, but he told me that night that he really thinks he loves me; he hasn't been able to sleep since I've been gone and he misses everything we used to share. I asked him why he says he 'thinks' he loves me, and asked him whether he said he 'thought' or 'knew' he loved his first serious girlfriend. And he said no, he told her he loved her, but that I am the first girl that he's actually taking the word 'love' more seriously with. He later told me to have faith in him that he will come back, but I need to give him time to sort out his life.

 

Since then we have been sort of acting like we are back together. We saw each other everyday, and fell asleep together. One night I told him that I couldn't let myself do that anymore, and that we gotta be just friends until he figures himself out. He agreed. But we ended up getting into a huge fight and 'making up' and yet again we have been acting like we're back together.

 

It's killing me inside, because he is so hot and cold. Sometimes he makes me feel like I'm the queen of his world; other times he doesn't seem to care. Not that he's rude, just that he seems to not care all that much. It could just all be in my head. I feel as if we are together; maybe he does not and I am expecting too much of him.

 

I want to talk to him again and tell him how I feel and 'break up' with him in a sense. But other times I think it might be better to just not saying anything at all, and try to forget about him on my own, not making a big deal out of it when he doesn't call me or whatever. I think this might be better because of the way everyone says to behave when you want your ex back; act like you're fine without them, seem happy, keep some distance so they miss you.

 

Next month our mutual friend is going up north for her birthday and I want to come. Most likely he will too since he is currently staying at her and her boyfriend's place. I don't want to cause anything before that.

 

I'm just not sure how to handle this. I'm pretty sure he does love me deep down, and that the way he acts is a result of his mental condition. I want him back so badly, but I do want him to work on himself first. How do I prevent myself from getting even more hurt? How did I make him miss me?

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"I'm just not sure how to handle this. I'm pretty sure he does love me deep down, and that the way he acts is a result of his mental condition. I want him back so badly, but I do want him to work on himself first. How do I prevent myself from getting even more hurt? How did I make him miss me?"

 

You aren't going to get the answers you are looking for; you are going to get the truth. The truth is that this is an incredibly unhealthy, toxic, hot and cold relationship. You need to end it and start working on yourself. That's the best way to prevent yourself from getting even more hurt in the long run.

 

At this time, YOU do not possess the skills and insight to understand healthy relationship behaviors. I also would suggest some counseling for you. Best of luck.

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are you sure he's bipolar? or is he just a jerk??... just because somebody is hot/cold doesn't mean they are bipolar.

 

all i got from this was that he keeps cheating on you and chasing a bunch of other girls. i don't think that shows that he respects you or your quasi-relationship at all. i'm not against "together but not together" relationships, but this is hardly one. this is more like he keeps you around because you keep taking him back!..look at the extent he went to go behind your back. creating fake accounts? messaging friends to get info on some random chick at a party? he seems so easily swayed by other girls and it's not fair to you.

 

how do you make the hurting stop? go NC and leave him behind until he changes... IF he changes.

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I'm afraid that although you have both behaved badly and at the same time done some growing up, there is so much more that needs to happen before you may be able to have healthy relationships with others. I say others because I agree with Ms Darcy that this one seems to have been a negatively-based car crash from the beginning.

 

I think you need to extricate yourself from each other, if you think he may be bipolar tell him and let him work on this himself. It's difficult to come close to that kind of diagnosis without him visiting an expert anyway. For yourself, you need time out to reflect and be by yourself without jumping from relationship to relationship, from crisis to happiness etc as this one's negativity seems to have become a little addictive to you right now.

 

Yes, there's a possibility you may both love each other or have residual feelings for each other but where there is real, DEEP and caring love, hardly any of these events would have happened in the first place, or happened once then not again. You would have sat down together and discussed where the boundaries are with what you say and do to each other and what you do NOT do. This is what will need to happen from the beginning in your next relationship, but before then I think you have a lot of thinking to do yourself about what to learn from this....take care.

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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