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so two days ago i lied to my bf and told him i was going to a bbq with a girlfriend of mine. here is the lie... she was going to go with me to a bbq with some old co workers and the house we were going to be at was actually someone i had slept with in the past. i didn't tell my bf this because i thought he wouldn't let me go because of that fact. i wasn't going there with the intentions to try and hook up with him again i just hadn't seen anyone in quite some time and i just wanted to hang out. my friend didn't end up going with me so i went alone and i started drinking. the guy who i had had past relations with ended up kissing me.. i pushed him away told him i had a boyfriend i love very much (which i do.. no doubt about it). the next day i felt like absolute crap for lying so i came out and i told my bf about everything. he says he wants to forgive me but he is having a hard time with it because in the back of his mind he thinks that i did have different intentions for going there. i know i've broken the trust with him and i will give anything and do anything to get it back. i just need some advice. thank you.

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mmm, i have to agree with your BF, you had less-than-honest intentions about going there. I think its just too much of a coincidence that you actually planned this whole deception out, and then there's the typical 'alcohol excuse', and wouldnt you know it - you got physical with a guy you used to sleep with. Theres nothing random about that.

 

How old are you?

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A relationship of any kind has to based on trust.. Honesty is a must if you are to survive.

 

 

 

I would agree it is strange you did not want your boyfriend to go with you. That sends alarm bells ringing even in my head and what happened whether intentional or not was a betrayal. However, I feel you are remorseful and it seems like you do sincerely care for your boyfriend.

 

If your boyfriend chooses to forgive you and you decide to stay together my advice to you is to learn from this mistake.

 

Keep your relationship based on honesty. Never cheat on each other and stay true to one another and you might get passed this.

 

Good luck!

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I think what you did was wrong.

 

However, I don't care for "he wouldn't let me go". Partners don't 'let' each other do anything because that is controlling. So try to avoid that mindset.

 

That isn't to say you should have gone. But you should not have gone because you knew it was a bad idea not because he would allow or not allow you.

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hm..... depends. some people are serious after 3 months, others are not. i don't think there is anything wrong with going to a bbq and having fun, even if the host is someone you had relations with in the past. i mean, if you are in control of yourself, and you're just going to be friendly, i don't see any reason why you shouldn't go and shouldn't have fun. i wonder if his ex-gf or ex-fling invited him to a bbq if he would go.

 

that said, since you didn't initiate the kiss, i don't think you did anything wrong and i don't think you needed to 'confess' anything to your bf. i think next time, don't drink so much with an ex where you might get yourself into a situation like this.

 

(EDIT: i said 3 months, i don't know why i said that. but how long have you been dating?)

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we have been together for 7 months now. its my first serious relationship. first person i have ever said i love you to. i know what i did was wrong. and i know i can only say sorry so many times. and its not that i didn't want him to come i just dont know. but i honestly was not going there with any intention of anything happening i know being drunk isn't an excuse. and i confessed everything to him because i felt and still feel absolutely ashamed and horrible about it. i dont expect him to forgive me over night but do you think he will ever?

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hopefully. you did tell this guy to knock it off once he stopped, right?

 

also wondering why you didn't invite your bf to the bbq?

 

personally, i don't think i would have told my bf, because i wouldn't want him to get upset over something i didn't initiate.

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yes i pushed him off me and told him that this cant happen because i have a bf that i love very much and then i left the party. i'm not really sure why i didn't invite him. in the 7 months we've been together he has only met a few of my friends and i guess i figured he would say he didn't want to go anyways. i told him about everything because it was eating at me and i felt like crap

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well, if he's like that, i understand why you didn't invite him to the party. and i understand why you didn't tell him exactly who was hosting it. and it's not your fault if an ex kisses you, if you aren't sending out signals. if i were in a similar situation, i probably wouldn't have told my guy because i wouldn't want him getting worried or upset.

 

but like i said, just be careful who you drink around, and make sure you aren't sending out any inappropriate signals. it's one thing if you are at the bbq and everyone is outside drinking and eating, but another thing if he invites you back to his bedroom so you can see that new poster/CD/videogame/whatever he just bought. that's dangerous territory.

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Back when I was in the military, I met a few females that would do things like this. Usually women younger than me. So being an experienced dater, I would see this and act accordingly. I would either go anyway, make a big deal out of it, or just move on. If your man had posted on here. I'm sure this thread would be about nine pages long with people saying dump you.

 

Why?

 

You flat out lied over another man. There's no doubt about it. You say you love him but you lie? Haha you have got to be kidding me. How would you have felt if this had happened to you but he didn't tell you. You just found out? You say you were afraid that he wouldn't let you go....

to a...

 

BBQ?

 

.....

 

What??

 

I hope this BBQ was worth the drama and/or your relationship. If anything you should have wanted him to go and told him who the guy was when he popped up. That would have gave him support and showed him you were his woman. If I was him, I'd firmly believe you were an up and coming cheater.

I'm sorry I'm harsh but I've met women like this before in my past.

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it's going to completely depend on your bf. If it were me, there's be nothing you could to to stop me from leaving.

 

You intentionally went behind your bf's back to hang out with an ex. Big no-no in my book.

 

What was the situation in which he kissed you? I'm sure he didn't just run up and kiss you. There was probably a good amount of flirting going on and then after it happened, you realized what you were doing was wrong.

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we were standing right in the hallway. and we were actually talking about why him and his wife had split up. no flirting there. and his girlfriend was at the party. the most "flirting" that went on was when i first showed up i gave him a hug and said it was good to see him. i have absolutely no intimate thoughts about him i never did even when we slept together it was a whatever type fling that meant nothing to me then and means nothing to me know. and now.. lostspartan... let me rewind to about 3 months ago for you... my bf was texting another girl trying to get her to send pictures to him and she was doing the same and they were making plans to hang out and see each other. now it never happened but i personally think that is because i ended up seeing the messages between them. and i'm sure he had no intentions of telling me about any of that? right?

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So you are justifying what you did/what happened at the party because your boyfriend was talking to another girl and trying to get her picture?

 

Why not just break up if you are angry with him for that instead of going to a place where an ex fling is hanging out?

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i guess in a way. but its not just the fact he was trying to get a picture its the fact they were making plans to hang out and do who knows what. i'm not angry with him anymore. and it wasn't in my mind oh i'm gonna go to a party and try and hook up with someone. that isnt' it at all. i didn't initiate the kiss and i wasn't flirting with him to give him the idea that i would want that. the kiss lasted literally 2 seconds i pushed him off of me.

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Gave him a hug? Man what would your man say? If you really don't understand why you were wrong for so many reasons maybe you need to be single til lyou have grown up a bit.

 

Did you ever say how old you are exactly? So he did something to you and you return the favor? My God... What happened to you months ago is your past. Apparently you forgave him and the relationship continued. That by no remote means gives you the right to do the same. You are very lucky if he decides to stay with you. You don't want him to go because an ex is there. He resspects your wishes and does not go. You go and hug the dude and then allow him to kiss you. That's right, you allowed him to kiss you. He did not put a gun to your head. It takes two. Then you feel guilty, which sounds about right, and you tell your man.

 

I applaud you for your honesty. It's much better you telling him compared to him finding out on his own. Cherish your relationship. You need to honor and respect yourself, your man, and your relationship. Stop acting like a child and making bad decisions. An old mentor of mine gave me a rule. If I can't do with my lady in my presence, I don't need to be doing it.

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Sorry, but I don't buy the notion that nothing happened up to the kiss. You're saying you were just talking to him, no flirting, no body language, just a random conversation - and he decided to kiss you? With his girlfriend also present? That seems really far fetched.

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What I find interested in all this, is that you said a) you didn't invite your bf because you assumed he wouldn't want to go; b) you didn't tell him about the ex, because you thought he wouldn't approve.

 

Why are you makind asumptions about your bf thoughts without checking with him, what his actual thoughts are - that would be communication with your SO.

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