Wife wants separation... pt2

[mstone]

I have sincerely appreciated the responses posted to my thread. I was prepared to be the 'whipping boy' (thanks DN), because even I fully understand the depth of how devastating my actions have been. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves of how our actions can cause hurt and great damage to another. In my energy to 'fix' the damage, I sometimes forget how bad I made the situation in the first place. In reality, I know I should not be at all surprised by what is happening now. It’s just that I see what life could have been and I don’t want to lose that.

In saying that, there has been some great advice which I am thankful to have received. I was fighting/ begging... making all the usual mistakes. I guess I talk with my heart and find reality a bitter pill to swallow.

I am torn between moving out/ moving on... refusing to be the handyman, the first- call helper, because this is my family home and these are my kids, and frankly, I love my wife. I always take care of the bills, contact tradesmen, etc. I feel to pull back from that could give her the confidence to be without me (selfish on my part, I know!) I guess I want her to realise that she does need me and that that will sink in eventually.

 

Thanks for the tip about proving myself a confident, independent, reliably strong father. At present I want her to see how much I am affected by life outside the family home, in case she was pushing me to 'test' if I would be happier outside and whether I regret my affair or not. I feel that if I show her I am happy & strong she will conclude that my affair was from my heart and that we weren’t meant to be together after all. I feel I need her to know my love was only for her and I am truly distraught by what I have done to her. I guess this has been the motivating factor in me showing my teary and sad side and wanting to be the panting puppy. To make life harder for her will only weigh heavier on my conscience.

I regards to the affair and pregnancy, I have no contact with the OW and did not want the pregnancy. I owe it to my children (my first two) to be there for them 100%, considering what I was doing at a time they needed me at home. I do pay child support, which is a considerable amount. So to separate from my wife now only adds a tremendous burden to our already meagre finances (she is studying full time and at home with the kids. I work FT). She plans to deplete our entire savings through this ‘venture’ and is hoping to find work from next year. There is no doubt that she will need me to fill a big role and I will find it extremely hard to untangle my life from hers. She does not want any talk about lawyers and told me I can come anytime. (Though I have no option of the kids living with me- they are 2&3; she insists they stay at home). So I will always be back here. And of course I am the first call to come here when she is ‘going out’. We actually moved country in order to start again, and are pretty much alone here with no real friend/ family network. She says she wants new relationships (happily chats/ texts with other men in front of me) but she would never bring anyone into the home, unless things had progressed a long way (years off, she says).

 

Thanks again, and even for the posts which contain ‘home truths’. I live with the guilt/ shame every day. And in regards to the baby born by the OW, I sincerely believe the life it can have without this mess and the hurt/ anger from those involved will be a better one. I won’t shirk my financial obligation. It’s not the baby’s fault. But my wife and kids don’t deserve to have that reminder and pain in their faces everyday either. Besides I believe it is ‘safer’ for the OW that she never runs into my wife. Understandable.

 

So in essence: how can I live honestly with my feelings of connection to her and the kids, without being walked over; Is there a way to ‘redeem’ the burden I have placed on her whilst not wanting to appear that I have ‘moved on’ and don’t care about her anymore- thus justifying her claim that ‘we were never meant for each other’? Is there a way forward without joint counselling? (I have a counsellor; she refuses to speak with one). Is she just throwing herself at many men in front of me to make the message 'hit home' that I am not part of her life anymore?

 

Many thanks for the replies. MS