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Will I Ever Move Past This Guilt and Dread?!!


Just Me85

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Im not having a good day today

 

In my previous posts I have revealed my entire relationship, from breakup to reconciliation. My boyfriend wants to try again. I say boyfriend but I believe we could be soulmates.

 

I should be happy and reaching for the stars but I cant get over the guilt and dread I feel after what I did that led to the breakup. I abused his trust and I kept secrets.

 

I want you to know first and foremost that in my mind at the time there was a method to my madness. It was purely because I felt it would be selfish to offload my guilt onto him. Afterall I had chosen to be with him and things were going well. You might have realised by now Im talking about cheating. It occurred at the very very beginning of our 2 year relationship and it was such a huge mistake that I swept it under the carpet.

 

I dont know how I did that. I even lied about it at one point but the strange thing is I believe now that I was in denial and I actually fully believed my own lies at the time. Later on the guilt hit me like a train and it became too much and I confessed all. He dumped me instantly and I broke his heart.

 

Now he has said that he wants to forgive me. That he understands how much I love him otherwise I wouldnt have stayed for 2 years and been happy. He wants to try again. He still asks questions about the acts. He knows the facts of what happened, that I cheated twice during our first month of seeing eachother. I was extremely drunk and this is no excuse and I regretted it instantly once he had asked me to be his girlfriend for real.

 

The thing is, regarding the events that took place, I seem to have built our past relationship on lies and denial. All the love and emotions were real, and I believe I would marry this man and have his children I really do love him so so much.

 

I still cant get over the guilt. He knows what happened but there are still details that in the past I have told white lies about because I didnt want to lose him. I know it was selfish. It really is small trivial things, no big whoppers. There are no other guys that he doesnt know about. He knows of each occasion. He knows the truth but I fear I sugar coated partially because everything that happened goes against my own morals and I found it so hard to accept what I did.

 

For example one of the occasions I was so drunk that I dont remember much. I told him I thought it might have just been a kiss because I passed out, but Im really worried it was more than that. He knows that it could have been more but I am not a victim and I feel as though I have portrayed myself as one. I had a flashback very recently and as an obsessive compulsive sufferer I dont know whats real and its making me very nervous. Basically he knows but I feel like Im still lying and that I dont deserve his forgiveness.

 

I know you guys probably have very little respect for me On one hand I feel maybe I should reveal all the small details to alleviate my guilt but I feel this would cause further unnecessary pain. Mistakes were made and I am aware and I know it will never happen again I have truly learnt from it. On the other hand I am scared that he will reject me again and never believe a thing I say ever. Everything I have ever said has been from my heart and at the time I one hundred percent believe it all, then the small things niggle later on when Im on my own and thinking too much

 

I just want to love him and do right by him and make it right by being with him and being the loving devoted faithful girlfriend I know I can and will be. I want to marry him.

 

OMG I sound so neurotic but its driving me crazy Please if anyone can offer any words of wisdom it might help me. I know a lot of you probably wont have nice things to say to me seeing as Im such a terrible person but I really love him and want to make it right this time. I want to treat his forgiveness as a gift and just love love love but is this right?

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I agree. You are holding on to guilt over something that happened 2 years ago when you were barely commited to each other. Its time to let go and move on. Tell him that you both need to get past this. You have spent 2 years since then building trust.

 

Lots of couples get past infidility. It takes forgiveness and letting go.

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There is only one way to get past this. Its already on the table. you both need to decide if you can close the door on it for good and move on. If he says no, then its never going to go away and you may need to end the relationship.

 

You cant continue to beat yourself up over mistakes of the past. Im not the biggest religious buff, but the Bible says once you ask forgiveness, and forgive yourself, then your sins/mistakes are forgiven and gone. This is actually a lesson to not hold on to guilt.

 

Forgive yourself.

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Okay..well I have written down all of my thoughts in a letter, because I feel he should know what my fears are. I may or may not give it to him but my words come from my soul and I need to know everything will be okay. I need to lay the cards out on the table completely. Can you guys tell me what you think?

 

"I feel as though I should be blissfully happy because a miracle has happened by you wanting to work through this. But as you know I am absolutely terrified that I cant get over the guilt and dread I feel after all I have done. I abused your trust and I kept secrets and that to me is an unforgivable thing to do to the person you love the most.

 

I want you to know first and foremost that in my mind when I was keeping things from you, albeit wrongfully, there was a method to my madness. It is important that you know that I felt like it would be selfish and wrong to offload my guilt onto you and break your heart in the process. Afterall, I had chosen to be with you and things were going so well and I was terrified of losing you.

 

The mistakes I made were so awful I tried to sweep them under the carpet for a long time. I honestly do not know how I did that. I even lied to you and doing so broke my heart and I lost all my integrity by doing this.I feel the need to write this all down because it still weighs me down and I feel like by writing, I can be clear and concise with my feelings. Im not good at talking, I try but I end up getting panicky and confused.

 

When you came back into my life last week I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions. I always hoped and prayed you would come back, that we could start fresh. I never thought I would feel as scared and anxious as I do but I still want this more than anything. Ive already lost you once and I dont know if I can do it again. I suppose thats why I need to lay the cards out on the table in this letter.

 

You know the extent of what happened and what I did. You know the facts. What troubles me more than anything is the details, the things that are unnecessary and I have become obsessed. Everytime we talk about it I feel better for a little while and then later it feels like I have been hit by a train. I will replay the events over and over and question myself over and over. I am constantly in fear of the what ifs. Not only did I lie to you in the past but I lied to myself. I was so strongly in denial over my actions that I even began to believe myself for a while. I find this equally as hard to forgive in myself, I have not only harmed the one person I feel I am meant to be with, I have lied to myself. People should always be true to themselves and I often question who I was then. It feels like a lifetime ago, it feels like another person did this, not me. But I did do this and I need to accept it.

 

I want you to know that I am not a victim. I made bad choices which I know I will never make again. You will never know the exact details simply because you werent there, but I have told it as best as I feel I can. My biggest fear is that I have painted myself out to be too much of a victim because I have been too much of a coward to accept my shortcomings. I want you to let me take responsibility for what I have done as its the only way I can redeem myself. At first I made a lot of excuses but there truly are no excuses. I did what I did and I chose to do it, I put myself in the situations nobody held a gun to my head. Im scared that although the information you have is true, it is still sugar coated because even now I still have trouble accepting that I have actually done this and I am scared that I will have flashbacks oneday and Ill lose touch with reality. Do you understand? I am still terrified of rejection. I dont know why you have chosen to try and forgive me but I am blessed.

 

I also think that maybe this guilt I feel could be a healthy thing. It burns in my chest and the pain is unbearable at times but I feel that guilt is harboured to prevent the same mistakes being made. How I feel is a reminder of what I did and I will carry the scars for a long time. Oscar Wilde once said “Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future”. I hope to God there is some truth in this.

 

Do you believe in soulmates? Well, I believe. I believe that we are selected for eachother before we are even born. I believe when we die we are reunited with our soulmates in the next life if it exists. Im scared that when we are done with this life you will be able to walk in my shoes and see my life through my eyes. It makes me question whether you would ever forgive me in this situation as I cant seem to forgive myself and if thats the case what if we never reunite and become lost souls all because of me and my dishonesty. I love you unconditionally and always will. I will have to come to terms with the fact that you may never forgive me but Ill always watch over you. I am willing to spend my whole life trying to make this right. All I want to do is love you now, forever and always. I need to know that you will let me, even after what I have done to us.

 

I want to go into this as a new commitment, on a new level and I am going to find a way to prove to you that you are the only one for me now and in the future. My mind is constantly in battle with itself. One minute Im ecstatic and can practically see the halo around your head and I love you more than I ever thought possible. On the other hand I feel as though I am maybe not deserving of such a man.

 

I need you more than you know. What I need is redemption and acceptance, from the one person who really matters. I need to know that although I hurt you beyond belief and broke your heart, that you really are willing to try and forgive. I need to know that whatever happened in the past will not matter right now, because we love eachother and no one else and that everything will be okay one day. I know its a lot to ask but I just want you to hold me and let me know that what happens now and in the future will be new again, that I really do have this chance to show you my love and build this trust. And I need to know that once we have it back it will not be lost again because of what happened 2 years ago. Its too much to ask and its unfair to even ask you. Maybe Jamie was right and I shouldnt be putting you through this. But I can promise you that the guilt I feel combined with the love and respect I have for you will make it impossible for me to be unfaithful ever again.

 

Please tell me what you think. You can take as long as you need. Someone once told me that nobody deserves forgiveness and that it is a gift that should be cherished, I want to try and treat it as this."

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I think its good that you put this down in words. I think it would be a bad idea to send it off to him. To do so would be just picking at the scab, not allowing the wound to heal. He has come back and is willing to give you a chance. Take it. You mention in the letter that there are details that he doesnt know. What good would it do for him to know? He already is aware of the underlying issue, which is you cheated and lied. He has forgiven that and is trying to make it work. If you were to tell him there are details he doesnt know, it will just drive his wanting to know, which is only gonna make it worse.

 

He has forgiven you. Forgive yourself and work on building the relationship back. Im not sure what you are afraid of. The guilt you fear will only continue to eat at you until it destroys everything. Forgive youself. if you cant, maybe you should really look for some professional thearapy, more than any of us can offer here.

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