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Why don't I care?


LonelyMoondancer
I Just Wanna Feel Loved
I Just Wanna Feel Loved

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Sorry in advance if this is a ramble, but I haven't opened up in awhile and it always feels good to do so here, so...

I took a little eNA break for about a month, because I really did feel kind of better, at least to the point where everything felt pretty bearable and occassionally enjoyable. I would just come, read stuff and occassionally reply to people, but I didn't bother posting because I felt like I should be fine and had nothing to ask. But... now I just feel empty. It seems that there's always something wrong! I was seeing a counsellor at my university, but she cancelled on me two weeks in a row, just an hour before. Both times I'd woken up really early to commute to campus and needless to say I was really upset both times. I know she couldn't help being sick but I dragged myself out of bed early, regardless of the fact that I hate getting out of bed any time period. And it felt horrible to remember that she doesn't actually care, it's just a job to her. She sent a short apology to my email asking to reschedule but I don't want to. A hospital near me was making arrangements with me, and said they'd call in two days... that was two weeks ago. I've done soo much calling, searching of people, chasing, and it's ridiculous that no one cares. My family doctor told the hospital it was really important that I see someone... this was a month ago. I can't imagine them neglecting me and several other people who really need help.

Anyway, I'm just getting a don't-care vibe from everyone and everything lately.. how am I really supposed to care with that going around? My brother is staying here this summer and I was so excited to have him back, but he's not even treating me like a sister. And my parents are okay most of the time but I don't really care...

I made myself go to a party two weeks ago and met a guy, and we hit it off. We hung out all night and we text and talk everyday, and he asked me to the movies. He's got a reputation for being a total player, but if I hadn't heard this from so many of my friends, I never would have thought so. He was so nice and respectful to me. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, since he has liked one girl for real before. I don't know what his intentions are with me.. if he actually likes me or if he just wants to fool around. But is it weird that I don't really care what he wants? I don't even care what I want. After a bad experience I told myself I'd never fool around, I'd rather be with someone who genuinely likes me. But I'm awful at dating and relationships and realistically, that probably won't happen for awhile, until I feel more sane and together. So I feel like going along with this guy... going to the movie and taking it little by little. I don't care what he's known for or if he doesn't really like me.

The one thing that makes me want to get up and get through my days is that I'm writing something. I'm in no place to write a book, I'm so young and everything, but it keeps me busy and I'm remembering how much I like writing. I have a silly notion in my head of getting it published soon. I'm probably being ridiculous but whatever, I'll worry about disappointment and rejection when it comes later. This story I'm working on is probably the most important thing in my life to me at the moment, how sad is that? It'll probably just be an unfinished summer project, but it's the one thing I mildly care about. Why can't I care about anything else anymore? Thanks by the way, if you cared to read all that.

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It's good that even though you have these feelings of not caring, you were able to go to that party and try to have some fun. Where as most people hide or isolate themselved in these times they feel. And it's good that you met someone there that you got along with though be sure that you know what he wants and doesn't to avoid problems in the future. (sorry if that came off as bossy). And I think it's great that you have a passion for writing. It's something I assume you enjoy and you feel better when you do it. I'd love to read your story if you'd be willing to share it. (sorry for asking if it's personal)

 

Hope my response helps, just wanted you to know that someone out there is listening. =)

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Aw, well thanks for listening. You weren't bossy at all, any response is helpful... all I ever want is people to rant to, so thanks for listening. As for being sure to know what he wants- that's the thing. I don't really care what he wants. I don't care if he doesn't like me for me, I don't care if he's a shallow jerk. Somehow it doesn't really matter to me anymore. These are the people that come my way and I figure I may as well settle amongst them.

I'd share the story but it's actually supposed to be a novel and I'm still in the planning stages But it's just a depressing little tale, about a Holocaust-like situation and it follows the experiences of one family. I'm pretty much putting myself in the protagonist... she fails to find purpose in her life even once she escapes the horrors. Not that I've ever been trapped like that, but it's all very personal to me. I don't know why I like working on something so ridiculously sad but it's something to keep me busy. Outside of this story which isn't even real nothing really matters

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