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I'm sorry that this is so long, but I feel that the only way to get real answers is to tell everything and be completely honest.

 

 

 

My boyfriend and I met in grade 9. We became best friends, and after about a year of knowing each other, we began to date. He had had trust issues from the very beginning because of something that had happened to him before we had met. I was horrible at expressing my feelings, because I was raised in a family where we never really talk to each other about our emotional issues. I was also a tomboy, and not used to showing vulnerability. As a result, the first few months were a bit rough. He felt that I didn't care as much about him as he did about me, due to my inability to express to him how I felt. That problem was soon fixed, as I learned how to be vulnerable and express my emotions.

 

For about a year, we were like a "perfect" couple. We had small arguments that soon got worked out, and we were totally in love. Then things began to get worse. He's an athlete and would often go away on trips to compete, and of course there was no way I could go with him. At first I was okay with this, but then one time while I was talking to him on the phone I could hear two of his friends in the background (girls) telling him to hurry up and come hang out with them. While it was happening, I didn't really even think about it, but after we hung up I began to miss him like crazy. That was the first time I got jealous.

 

From then on, I struggled everytime he went away on these trips, and I found it very difficult to stop from being jealous. He would always assure me that he loved me, and I trusted him. I wasn't really worried about him cheating or anything because I couldn't picture it happening at that point. I just hated being away from him, and I felt like I was missing all the fun.

 

Then one day when he had gotten back from a trip, he spent the next day with me. He was acting kind of funny, but it was very subtle. I couldn't place my finger on it at the time, but looking back it just seemed like he would rather be somewhere else, like he didn't really want to be spending that time with me. He didn't look at me the same, and he didn't seem to be having as much fun as he usually did. At first, I thought that he was just tired from his trip. That night, however, I got this weird feeling that I should check his email. I had known his password for a while, but I had never checked it before that because I never felt the need to. I wasn't expecting to find anything, and I think I just wanted reassurance, but low and behold there it was sitting in the trash bin. It was a draft of an email he had written to a girl from one of the trips. It had never actually been sent to her, but it hurt either way. I remembered him telling me before that that this girl had always had a crush on him, but he had always seemed so in love with me that I truly never worried about her at all. In the email, he told the girl that he felt jealous when she danced with another guy (they always have dances at the end of the competitions) because he liked her. My world came crashing down.

 

From then on, it was a huge struggle for me. I was selfish and wanted him to stay with me. It killed me though because I kept thinking how he would be happier with somebody else, with her. We talked about it a lot, and he told me that although I was always number one, he did have feelings for her. He told me that sometimes he wished he didn't have a girlfriend, and also that he hated hurting me that way. One thing about him that I love is that he is always honest when I ask him things, even if the answer is bad. This time was especially rough for me because I had nobody else to talk to. As I said earlier, my family (though very loving) is not good at talking about our emotions. I would cry and they would hug and comfort me but not know why I was crying. I was also scared to tell my mom because I didn't want her to end up hating him if we ever got through it. I talked to his mom sometimes, as we were quite close at that point, but it was really hard because I felt like she'd soon be out of my life too. I didn't have any friends who I felt comfortable sharing my emotions with, so for the most part I suffered alone, and faked happiness whenever we went out with people.

 

I began to feel very inadequate because I kept thinking "Why would he like her if he has me?". I kept trying to find what she had that I didn't. She wasn't particularly pretty, actually she was overweight. She was rowdy and tried very hard to look cool and "hardcore". She wore way to much make-up and was a huge flirt. Physically she wasn't anything special. Mentally, she just acted like any flirty * * * * ty girl out there. I had thought that I was a pretty okay person, in all areas. I couldn't figure it out, and so I decided that I must be wrong about myself. I figured that I had a skewed perception compared to the world and maybe I wasn't very good after all. My self-confidence dropped dramatically and I tried to compensate for it by being a better girlfriend. I blamed myself.

 

After about a month, he told me that he had been stupid and that I was the only girl he'd ever want to be with. He couldn't understand why he started liking her in the first place, and I could tell how much he regretted it. This made me very happy, and though I was cautious for a while I decided to believe him. No matter how hard I tried, the damage had been done and I could feel my heart was a little harder.

 

For the next 2 years, things went up and down a lot. We spent most of our time together, and when I was with him, I felt like the happiest girl. He still had a lot of competitions to go to, however, and he also hung out with his athlete friends quite a bit. I dreaded all of these times, and I would feel like dying whenever he would be away. I didn't want to deprive him of spending time with his friends, so whenever he would offer not to go to these events, I would tell him that if he wanted to go then he should. Whenever they came back, there would always be a bunch of photos of all of them goofing off, hugging, with his arms on girl's waists and things like that. All the guys in his group were like that, but it still bothered me very much. I talked to him a lot about my worries at first, but after a while I could tell that he was getting sick of it. I began again to suffer alone, and my heart became slowly more and more guarded. When talking to him no longer helped (he would try to help, but it would end in an argument), I started trying not to care about these things (it was the only other way I knew how to deal), so that I wouldn't be a burden. The less I cared about the pictures and trips, the less I cared about anything at all.

 

One time, after a big argument, I wrote him a letter telling him about my worries. I wrote about how I was afraid that I might not ever get over the fact that he liked someone else. I wrote about how I was scared of not caring, because I wanted to care about him forever. I told him to read it and tell me what he thought. The next day, he told me that he read it, but that he was too annoyed about our earlier argument to have a response. (It turns out that he didn't read it then after all)

 

After we graduated, I got my first job. This was the first time I had a group of friends that he didn't know. At first, I just wanted to know what it was like to be the one out with people, taking pictures and having a good time on my own. I wanted him to know what it was like to be the one left behind. I started to get carried away though, and I put my new friends above everything else. I started to desert him, and toss him to the side. I changed into a whole new person. I completely lost touch with my emotions, I never cried, and I was only able to find temporary happiness when I was out with my new friends. I felt empty but I didn't care, because I could no longer be hurt.

 

As he started to realize that he was losing me, he tried very hard to get me to stay. Whenever he wanted to talk to me about us, to try and work it out, I would make it obvious that I didn't want to be there. I wouldn't help him at all, even though he had always helped me when I was the one that needed to talk. He became desperate and tried to make me understand just how much he loved me. He did so many sweet things, and drove down to my house just to talk. He even bought me a ring, though I never got to see it. I was too far gone, and I just ignored all of his efforts. For the most part, I kept thinking "Why should I give him another chance after all of that time that he was off with his friends not caring about me? He hurt me so much, he can't just expect me to change back all of a sudden now that he's ready." There were times when I really did try to change back to the loving person that I was, but I couldn't get in touch with my emotions. I tried to make myself feel things, but it just wouldn't work. This went on for about four months. I was very cruel.

 

Finally, I decided to just end it. The worst part was the way that I did it. One day we were on the phone and we had a huge argument. I was being more cold and cruel than ever, and he was in tears. I could hear someone in the background tell him to just hang up the phone, so he did. I never called him back. Every time I thought about calling, I would cringe at the thought of our last phone call, and I would just put it to the back of my mind. A week later, I removed our relationship status from facebook.

 

A couple days after that, he finally gave in and called me twice, but I ignored both calls. I had figured that it would just be him trying to get back together, and I didn't want to. I later found out that the reason he had called was because he had finally read that letter I wrote him about the argument, and he wanted to apologize for not having read it sooner, and to tell me that I was right.

 

Two weeks later, a guy from my work asked me out, so I said yes. I had had a boyfriend for the last 4 years of my life, and it was scary and weird being without one. I thought that dating someone else would fill the emptiness. I didn't even consider how soon it was, or how it would affect my ex to find out.

 

I wish I had said no to that date, and now that is one of my biggest regrets. I realized this about a week after we became a "couple". He was truly the biggest loser I have ever met, but I didn't know how to end it with him. I felt bad for having said yes in the first place, and so I knew the situation was my fault. After about three months (one of which I spent away from him in another country), I got up the courage to break it off. He had just taken the bus all the way to my house, and I told him that it was a mistake ever dating him in the first place, that nobody could replace my ex, and that I felt nothing for him.

 

I started to spend a lot of time with one my high school buddies. She and I would go out shopping, and dining, and just embracing being single. I told myself that I would be single for a long time, and that never again would I just date the first guy who asked me out. I had learned my lesson.

 

One night, we were hanging out at my place talking about the things we wanted to buy, and my ex boyfriend called. I normally don't answer my cell unless I recognize the number (I think I had blocked out the memory of his number), but I was so caught up in our conversation that I answered without thinking. At first I couldn't figure out who it was. I couldn't recognize his voice. I still find it very weird that I didn't recognize it, but maybe I had just blocked him out of my mind completely. He had called just to get on speaking terms again, and for closure, but we ended up talking late into the night, until around 5am. It was as if we were just best friends again. It was so easy, and it felt right just talking to him. I didn't realize until then just how much I missed him.

 

We ended up getting back together shortly after that. It has been exactly one year since that fateful day, and things have been dramatically improving. Over time, my emotions came back 100%, and now I love him more than ever.

 

He struggles with the way that I changed so dramatically, and how much I hurt him. During the months that we had been broken up, he had been a wreck. He told me that he would just lay there for days and days and look at the ceiling. He tried to find a girl, but none of them caught his eye. He was still fully in love with me. It was like he was dead inside.

 

I now know just how much he loves me. The fact that he searched me out and took me back after how cruel I was to him shows this to me. He now expects me to change into that person again anytime that things get tough, and he has a lot of trouble trusting me. I feel like a monster for the way that I acted, and I feel like a horrible person. To be honest, sometimes when I catch my reflection in the mirror, I expect a demon to be staring back at me in place of myself. I know that there is nothing that I can do to undo or make-up for what I did but I told him that I will prove to him that I am in it for life.

 

The past few months, we've been really happy, but now hes starting to go out with his friends again and go to competitions. The same things are happening (the photos) and I still end up feeling like complete crap while he's gone. Seeing those kinds of pictures still makes me want to die. I figure that the one thing I can do for him now is to let him have his fun, so I have told him to do what he wants and not to worry about me because I will be here no matter what and I will learn the propper way to deal with my emotions.

 

As I type this, he is out training with his friends and I am still finding it very difficult. In the photos he always ends up looking like a huge flirt, even though he isn't one at all. I hate being left at home. I end up feeling anxious and sick the whole time, unable to sleep and eat. He has told me that I can come with him, but I can tell that he'd rather not have me there to worry about, and I'm definitely not going to invite myself. I know he loves me and all but this stuff still makes me go crazy. I still hate that girl that he liked. I need to learn how to deal with these emotions in a healthy way. What do I do?

 

I feel like we're starting to drift back to the way it was, when I was constantly upset struggling on my own. When I talk to him about these things, he ends up getting mad at me because it makes him think back to the way that I treated him. I feel so lost and confused, but I love him so much so I want to be able to deal with all of it on my own. What do I do? How do I deal with these emotions? How do I let him go and have fun with his friends without letting him go in my heart?

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