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My family betrayed me with my ex. Right?


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I need my family to get behind me, and I feel betrayed. Am I overreacting?

 

My high school boyfriend and I were just that -- high school sweethearts. It lasted about 3 years -- 2 of those years were very happy and serious, the last year was LONG and painful, very on and off. Basically he developed a lot of issues, entered severe depression, push/pulled me into heartbreak until finally I had to walk away. Honestly it was the hardest time in my life as I had moved accross the country to a new school to be with him (initially), but I grew up and got stronger.

 

Close to 2 years since the first break up happened, he has been trying to get me back and claiming he has seen the light and knows how bad he was to push me away and tell me he was so scared of marriage, etc etc. All this after I have completely outgrown him -- in fact I have been dating someone else who is much more sure of himself and much better for me in general for about 5-6 months now.

 

My ex's efforts at winning me back seem to be tapering at last, but every time he does something (calls, texts, starts fights with me about loving me and insisting on "being a presence" in my life), it reopens the wound. It's not that I have lingering feelings, it's just he was my first love -- I honeslty believe it will hurt forever.

 

Well, desperate to prove to the world that he has overcome the bizarre time of his life where he basically went nuts and treated me terribly and shut all his friends out and became obsessed with grades and eventually had a breakdown and went senile, he has been calling my parents asking to come over and talk to them and apologize for his weird time. Keep in mind, we are from the same home town but both go to school very far away -- this summer, I am in our college town and he has at our home. I am very lonely and miss my family. The first time he was supposed to go to my house and have tea with my mom, he stood her up. Tonight he ended up going over, gave my parents a letter to give to me and ended up telling them all about the new and improved "him" for THREE HOURS.

 

I was furious with my parents. Here I am feeling low, pretty much on my very own for the first time ever. And they are entertaining my ex boyfriend, who CRUSHED me. Their defense was they couldn't be "inhumane" to someone who had been through emotional hell and in severe depression/someone who has issues. My mom asked me, how am I supposed to turn him away? They try to tell me that, during my time dating him, I had urged them to accept him into our family, and they finally did that and are still fond of him, though they do not ("necessarily") want us to date any longer. Like I knew we would break up... ??

 

I don't know, is it completely ridiculous that I feel betrayed by my parents? I'm still hurt over my ex, it's not like it's been said and done for years. We have been 100% done for less than one year.

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If you still feel this way about him, in my opinion you are not fully healed from the break up. This new person in your life seems great, but you have to ask yourself, is he this great because he helps you forget about your ex, or is he great because he is everything you've been looking for in a relationship?

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Yes, you're hurting, but the way you're telling it, your ex boyfriend was emotionally damaged, rather than deliberately hurtful to you. It's completely reasonable for your parents to try and comfort him while still discouraging him from pursuing you again.

 

Real betrayal from your parents would look like something else entirely.

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If you still feel this way about him, in my opinion you are not fully healed from the break up. This new person in your life seems great, but you have to ask yourself, is he this great because he helps you forget about your ex, or is he great because he is everything you've been looking for in a relationship?

 

Thanks. I can honestly say I AM over him. I had a period of about 6 months where I was completely single and away from ex before entering this new relationship. I have healed, but things like this still hurt because they dig up the past. Something about him in my hometown, in my childhood house, being with my parents... I mean, that's what we did in high school. The truth is I loved him very much and it hurts to remember. When I think about it objectively, I know he was completely wrong for me and, as is true of most first relationships, it is best we broke up.

 

My new relationship does much more for me than serve as a distraction. There was someone else in between these two relationships who served as that "rebound guy", but it was fleeting. I am pretty serious with the guy I'm seeing now.

 

If it still hurts me when things like this come up, I really hope that doesn't mean I'm not healed, because that scares me and makes me think I won't ever heal.

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Oh geez, I'm sure this does feel like a betrayal, but take a deep breath and try to see it from your parents' point of view. Your ex sounds like (as my mom would say) such a "lost soul"- and that doesn't just mean just in the religious sense. If your parents are very warm and welcoming (which it sounds like they are), then I think it would be terribly hard to turn away this obviously confused and in-turmoil young man.

 

They are probably thinking to themselves- Gee, havefaith is doing great, succeeding in every aspect of her life, has a new bf that she loves and who loves her, and then there is this depressed and confused guy who used to be a part of our family, and he turns up on our doorstep- what are we supposed to do?

 

I totally get that you are upset, and I think what your ex did was completely inappropriate, but honestly, I think your parents were just trying to be good people, and probably felt bad that he can't or won't talk to his own parents about this stuff.

 

I think you need to address this with your ex- I would send him an email and tell him that you don't want him contacting your parents, because it puts you in a awkward position and is not appropriate.

 

But as fas as being mad at your parents, this is just one of those times in life where you have to be the bigger person and realize that they acted out of kindness and probably had no idea that what they did would bother you so much.

 

Good luck, sweetie. You know, it's weird, i remember all yor threads about your ex and some of the strange stuff he did, and I remember wondering if he was having some kind of emotional/nervous breakdown.

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It's hard to turn someone away when they are apologizing and pouring out their heart, no matter who it is or what they have done. They probably didn't realize you had emotions tied to your ex still, as you have had such a successful new relationship. They probably thought they were just being nice, which IMO they were. Maybe consider cutting them some slack, after all they haven't really done anything to you, just tried to help someone who used to be a factor in their lives.

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