Can I at least tell her this? the NC is killing me

[wazza]

I posted a while ago that my ex and I have not spoken for the past four weekends, and that on each of the first three weekends I offered her a sign of my kindness and friendship. I told myself I would not communicate with her until July 1st, to prove to her that I can be unselfish and that I can respect her needs, and also with the hope that I will get over her, considering I've started getting involved with someone else a little. But I can't stop wanting to send her messages telling her either hateful things or loving things.

 

My most recent desire is to tell her how I've realized that even though she can do some really screwed up things sometimes she was a great girlfriend and most of our problems were either my creation or part of my imagination and thats why we would fight so often. I feel like I need her to know that I'm maturing through this breakup process so that she can let me back into her life as something when July 1st comes.

 

Can someone please either talk me out of this (again) or tell me if they think this is an acceptable thing to do when my ex clearly doesn't want to talk to me. Or at least tell me what I should do. As horribly pathetic as this sounds I really miss her (I don't know if it's just as a person or as a lover) and this complete lack of communication is destroying me emotionally. Last night I tried to drink away my sorrow instead of trying to get action when I went out, which is something I have never done before.

[Mamasita]

u really need to get on with ur life and NC sounds like a good idea for u... and why would u even tell her that ur not going to contact her until a certain date - thats ridiculous!

 

u need to get her out of ur head, sending her those kinds of msgs is absolutely pointless, a critisism as well as a compliment? its not going to achieve anything for u or do u any favours. if she will ever want u back or to talk to u, she will contact u. maybe u do need to get out and try to enjoy urself somehow, keep urself busy, preoccupied.

[wazza]

I haven't told her my July 1st plan. just for the record.

 

I know everyone says I should leave her alone but jesus this really freakin hurts. Like I've been seeing another girl for the past couple of weeks and she's great but my feelings for my ex are getting in the way of it all.

[jenny_mcs]

 

Can someone please either talk me out of this (again) or tell me if they think this is an acceptable thing to do when my ex clearly doesn't want to talk to me. Or at least tell me what I should do.

 

I looked at some of your older threads. is this the gf you dumped because you couldn't see marrying her and you wanted the freedom to go out with other girls?

 

If she has told you to leave her alone, then LEAVE HER ALONE. By contacting her, you are being very selfish. Why is your need to contact her more important than her desire to be left alone?

[wazza]

well I mean I'm trying to leave her alone! that's what I'm saying. That I set a goal to leave her alone but it's painful to have absolutely nothing to do with her and I'm struggling to give her the space she needs because i have so much I want to say. She never told me to leave her alone but she stopped responding to my texts or emails a while ago (FOR THE RECORD I ONLY SENT 2 SINCE 4 WEEKENDS AGO WHEN WE HAD OUR LAST FIGHT) . Idk if she blocked me cause I said mean things after our last fight or if she just reads my texts and won't respond. She's always had a thing about not letting me think i can get my way, like proving a point.

 

Also I didn't just dump her because of that. I dumped her because the relationship stopped working for me. But recently I've been realizing that i made things in our relationship worse than they really were because I wanted freedom. I got my freedom. I don't know if I want to give it up, but I know that I love this girl and I miss making her smile. I know I've been lonely, and I know I've missed her, but I don't know if my desire to be with someone and my feelings for her are isolated or one in the same. I also know that I'm making an effort to prove to her and to myself that I can be a different person and that maybe we could work out. I just want to be able to talk to her again.

 

But I'm doing my best to leave her alone. I just keep hoping there will be exceptions to the rule

[catfeeder]

[...] But I'm doing my best to leave her alone. I just keep hoping there will be exceptions to the rule

 

My heart goes out to you, and you sound as though you're sincerely trying to get things sorted out for yourself.

 

Thing is, the time to contact someone is never when you're in the middle of your biggest mess. By mess, I mean your work. Making a mess is a good thing--sort of like digging up the ground to plant new seeds.

 

Well, you're not planting yet, you're still digging. You want to take some stuff you've uncovered and go bLaT! with it on her--and while that's understandable, it's not in your best interests.

 

If your goal is to someday meet her on higher ground, then first you need to go there yourself. You're not there yet. You're still in your pit, and the fact that you're so miserable and drinking yourself blotto only demonstrates this. You remain unclear about where you stand, and while that's not a crime, it will only show your ex that you're not done jerking her around. Really-really BAD move.

 

Contacting someone from a new position of strength and change shouldn't be confused with discovering your errors and seeking to nurse yourself through desperation. Rely on your friends, your family, and these boards for that. Don't position this girl as your therapist--it won't work. If you need therapy, by all means, seek a professional. If you need a friend, lean on an old one or make some new ones, but don't jeopardize your future chance of a clean and respectful start and new possibilities with this girl just because you're not as prepared as you believed to stand on your own. Go there first, and you'll suffer no further doubts about where you stand. That's when you'll know you're ready to communicate responsibly with your ex--and without jerking her around any more.

 

In your corner.

[wazza]

Cat feeder, I think I love you. I need more motivational speeches like that instead of people telling me what a jerk I am for feeling the way I do.

[wazza]

But wait, how will I know when I'm ready? Sometimes I think just knowing what I have to do is enough, and how am I supposed to show her through action that I can change if I cant even tell her I'm in the process of finding the flaws and fixing them?

 

How do I know when I'm on higher ground? Is it when I'm over her? Or over my sadness? Or is it when I've picked out every flaw in my relationship with her and found a solution to fix them?

[Deity]

I think it is always ok to break NC _if_ you are willing to accept anything that comes as an response. You need to ask yourself if you can handle anything or are you just expecting something? Or you might not get an answer at all. Sometimes ignoring hurts the most.

 

Also do you think you would settle just for this exhange or would you want more after that?

 

Take time to think what is best. And remember that sometimes it is just better to do nothing. It is also an option.

 

It is really up to you.

[catfeeder]

But wait, how will I know when I'm ready?

 

1) When you're no longer in pain (so you won't try to manipulate, which will only screw you) and, 2) you're clear about what you intend to offer the girl, and 3) you're happy enough with your own life that adding her to it would only be a plus--not the whole deal. Otherwise, you've just got dependency masquerading as desire, and if you believe that such would keep you satisfied for long, you'd be fooling yourself.

 

Meanwhile, if you just want to spill your guts so you can feel better, that relief will last all of 5 seconds, but the damage you'll do to her faith in you will be unfixable.

 

You dumped this girl because you wanted to go play. Now you're not happy playing, but you're also not sure whether you're done playing. So by calling her now, you only risk adding more insult to the injury you've already caused her.

 

See, it's really no crime to communicate with the girl if you're compelled to do it, but just be prepared for it to sound like a bunch of "Whaaa-whaaa-whaaa..." to her. She's been burned. She's not likely feeling warm and fuzzy about your 'feelings' right now. If you think you can pull off what you want to tell her without it sounding like a bunch of bunk that will only P her off or hurt her again, then there you go. Otherwise, consider self control your friend and ride this out.

 

Sometimes I think just knowing what I have to do is enough, and how am I supposed to show her through action that I can change if I cant even tell her I'm in the process of finding the flaws and fixing them?

 

Talk is cheap. All the sorrys in the world don't compensate for lack of change--and you're clearly not transformed into someone who can be happy with her again right now. So what's to tell her about that without hurting her even more? "I'm trying to become someone who can love you enough to be happy?"

 

That's not even the truth. Just the opposite. You need to become happy enough to love someone else, because love comes from a place of joy and generosity. It's not about duty. It's not something you need to muster up. When you're ready to give someone the love they deserve, it may take some work but it's also not an effort. That's how you'll know it's for real, because you won't be able to NOT offer it.

 

Meanwhile, understand, none of this is a finger-wag. You're perfectly entitled to grow your own way, and according to your own calendar. You can sink into depths and explore that place, and it's not wasted time. It has value. But self discovery is discovery of the Self--it's not a place to pull dumped girlfriends down into. Not because that's so morally wrong, but because it won't work. As soon as you've got her where you 'think' you want her, everything that caused your first breakup will come back to bite you in the ass. That's hardly liberation. It's not happiness. And you both deserve better.

 

How do I know when I'm on higher ground? Is it when I'm over her? Or over my sadness? Or is it when I've picked out every flaw in my relationship with her and found a solution to fix them?

 

The flaws in relationships tend to fix themselves when the people involved are clear about what they want. Picking apart old mistakes isn't the point. Growing into someone who's beyond making those particular mistakes again isn't a mine field of rules and consequences--it's a stage of life. You can't rush this stuff. You can't force yourself to be ready. If that were possible, nobody would need to break up and everyone would be in great marriages.

 

You're not some freak who can't love somebody, you're just not as ready as you'd like to be. Would you fault a 6th grader for not being in high school yet? Sometimes late bloomers make the best lovers. And husbands. And friends.

 

In your corner.

[wazza]

Just wondering if you have read my previous posts and know exactly whats up in this relationship?

 

The last thing that happened was that we were on our way to getting back together, then I screwed up and we were settled on being friends, then she screwed up by instigating a fight by being really inconsiderate towards me (which is one of the reasons i dumped her in the first place) and then I ended up saying mean things to her. After that we had a couple of normal texts where I tried to show her I appreciate her and apologized a bit, and she responded coldly. and then after that she just stopped talking to me.

 

What really makes me want to keep talking to her is that I don't think it's fair that this whole silent treatment is a result of a fight that SHE started. SHE hurt me, and because of that I said some hurtful things to her. And I still believe I was right in saying those things. She should have known that I was going to respond the way I did. Why should I suffer for what she did?

 

Does that change anything?

[kiter]

Cat is the best!