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When to give up on therapy?


valou2

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When to give up on therapy? When to cut your losses

I'm a 26 yr old woman, been married to my husband for 4 yrs, together for 9. We have had vicious fights from the very beginning. Easily 1-2 large ones/mth. When we met I was a student and he was teacher. Despite the fact that I now have a career, he insists that we "will never be equal" because of year at the beginning when he provided most of the living costs while I finished my studies and because of our 8 year age difference. We fight about everything, from $$, to family (I would like to see mine more often, they live 6 hours away), sex (not enough for him), and my duties in the home he paid for. I've had enough of hiding the things he's said to me from friends and family, make excuses for why I can't visit them, and trying to explain to them why I can't spend time with them when I AM there (day alone with my mom or best friend, for ex., is a no-no because he says that is rudely excluding him). I'm no longer the 17 year old financially and emotionally dependent girl I was when we met, and am wondering if it's time I rent an apartment for a month. We have had 8 hour-long therapy sessions over the last 2 years. Little change. What do you think? Thanks in advance!

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I would say that it is time to give up when therapy is clearly not helping and/or when one or both of you are not interested in investing the time and effort to change.

 

I don`t see him making any effort to change from your description.

 

I also don`t see any love for him in your description. You now see him as controlling and petty.

 

If nothing has changed or improved, then I guess its time to cut your losses.

 

I have been through a divorce myself, and despite my being unhappy with a verbally abusive and controlling husband, it was hard to "give up" and end it. I do know I tried what I could to save it but if one person in a marriage has no interest in compromising, cooperating and improving, then things will never change. I tried and tried and tried, and nothing changed. So I ended it. Hard decision, but I am much happier for it.

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I think you already know the answer. You are not the same person he married and his actions and words say that he cannot at this moment accept that. You have never lived on your own, right?

 

You have to ask yourself, what is this marriage doing TO me and doing FOR me? What would the purpose of moving out be? What is the healthiest thing I can do for myself...just for today?

 

You cannot change him, but you can change you and live for yourself and make yourself happy.

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I'm 11 years older than my husband. I've been the main breadwinner for most of the time we've been together. I came into this relationship with far more resources than he did. I have never considered him anything but an equal partner.

 

Your husband's thinking is out of whack.

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I'm no longer the 17 year old financially and emotionally dependent girl I was when we met, and am wondering if it's time I rent an apartment for a month.

 

yes, do that!

time to get out of the prison.

o.k....to put it more nicely, seems like you've changed and improved a lot since the time you two started being together and you tried the best you could to make this relationship work. Unfortunately you two are not improving at the same pace and your partner refuses to accept that you are not a child any more and that the roles you had before are not something you fit in now. So to make it shorter at this point you need to do what is good for you and you have a valid reason to do so.

Good luck.

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