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Dating a divorced guy. Help!


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I have been seeing a man since before his final divorce. I was not the reason for the divorce. I met him a couple a months after she had filed. I have been with him all through the misery of the healing process and the trying to build his life back up to some type of normalcy. He has one child that he has visitation rights to. I will have been dating him a year June 11. We are further a part now than we were at the beginning. We have great communication but or sex life is horrible because of all the stress he is constantly under. I am told that I am a pretty woman but he does not adore me and I feel I just can't ring his chimes. I love him and adore him but he can't seem to get pasted the hurt from the divorce and focus in on our relationship. We have talked about all this and all he does is apologize for being still stessed and mental about the past failure of his relationship that he denies me what I want and need. He tells me constantly lately that he doesn't know if he is the man I need or want. I reassure him I love him but we do have issues we need to work through. That just makes him go into a pity party that he has failed in his last marriage of making her happy now he is failing me. He says he hates that he hurts me in no giving me what I need. I need a translation on what he is really saying. He says he loves me, I have met his family. He really doesn't have any friends since the divorce. I have read page after page of how to deal with a divorced man and I still can not totally understand his mind set. He can't or won't move forward in his heart and mind. He says he can't give me all of his heart because of the trust issues he has from his past marriages. I have never done anything to hurt that trust. I am a widow at 42 and was married for 24 years. I am a loving and good person and he knows this. He says he lost the kissy face, excitment when our relationship grew to where it is now. I know he is scared to be married again and I told him he was not ready for it. I just want to know why he is making me suffer emtionally and physically. What does he need to do to get past this? What do I need to do to make him understand all I want is him fully? Will I ever get him fully or is this all there is when you have been hurt so bad? He has been left by two wives. Never infidelity by him. I know both histories of the past. I just can't understand with all we have been threw why he can't accept my love for him and give me his all. I have been very patient but I also feel rejected and unwanted. Leaving him is not an option for me. I truly love him. I just am so confused and hurt from his rejection of me physcially. Please help me.

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I'm sorry to say that dating a recently divorced man is a BAD idea. Many times recently divorced men rebound quickly with someone to help ease them through the divorce, in essence making you the "transition" woman. This guy needs a counselor...not a relationship right now. Give him space and lots of time. He is NOT ready for another commitment and he may not be for a long time.it's NOT a reflection on you, this is all about him.

I'm sorry...

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I would look more at yourself and less at him. You can somewhat control your own emotions and your own circumstance with enough effort, but rarely can you control the emotions of your other.

 

Ask yourself why you feel so faithful and so truly in love with a man that constantly rejects you and can't give you what you want. What does that say about you? How much of your love is all about the man, and how much of your love is tied into the need to succeed, to conquer, to win, to fix things, to feel love from someone that can't really show love, and to be on a love journey rather then bask in a love sanctuary.

 

 

If you can look hard enough at yourself in mirrors in well-lit rooms, then maybe you can find your answers.

 

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wow... I don't know what to say to you really except that maybe the problem isn't so much about who he is, what he is dealing with or even where he is at in life... maybe the problem is more about unrealistic expectations...

 

When I read what you wrote, I find myself wondering if you really even have any real care or concern for this man... what you say here sounds so much more like you are only willing to make it about you. Healing takes time and maybe you would be better served to be his friend first and support him in his time of need... however long that takes.

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I have been struggling hard with this the last month. You all are right in your comments even down to me looking out for self in one of the responses. I need fulfillment in this relationship and I have been ready to wait on his healing process to have that love santuary. I guess I am just having a pity party because I can not have what I want now. I have gone through so much with him. I have helped him repaint all of his house to get it ready to refinance so his financial stress would be better. I have supported and talked for hours with him to relieve his mind of that as he says "there must be something wrong with me to have two failed marriages." I have built him up in every way I know how. I never tear him down. I have been by his side and by the phone to support and listen to him. I have done things for him to help take the time worries away. I have been there for him. I know through God all things are possible but I feel I have lost my way when it comes down to this. I am his friend. I do not want to abandon him. Is the right answer to break the emotional relationship with him and accept to be just his friend? Is this what the answer is? Is this what he needs? He says he needs me. What does he need me for? Am I just the shoulder to cry on and the sounding board for all the divorce crap he goes through? I think it boils down to he wants me there but doesn't love me there? Does that sound right? Where do I go from here? My heart is his but if he doesn't want me in the emotional way and I am just the rebound girl, how do you tear yourself away from missing him so badly when you are not with him? How do you function when you want to hold his hand? What do you do when you love him and it hurts? I am breaking down now, the tears are flowing and my mind is tired and my heart is heavy.

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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