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Can't help the feeling . . .


Effervescent
Your Boyfriend Left You - So What?
Your Boyfriend Left You - So What?

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I don't know what brought on this bout of emotion, but I feel so hurt and betrayed. My ex and I went through so much together. I supported him, when no one else would and I did everything in my power to help him. I don't understand how he can just up and leave and walk away like that. He's already moved on. He seems to be having no trouble dealing with our breakup and has embraced his new single life with open arms. It's like a mini-celebration in his life.

 

I know this happens all the time, but I just don't understand how someone you loved so much and someone who loved you so much, could change so drastically. I feel so stupid. I honestly do. I can't shake off that feeling. I should've known better than to love him so much. I was young and so naive. I thought that true love existed. I thought that true love could conquer all. I thought I had found true love.

 

In a way, I saw all of this coming. I had my doubts and I always expressed them to him. He spent years breaking my doubts and earning my trust. I should've listened to myself and not let down my guard. I saw all this coming, yet I let my emotion cloud my better judgement. I feel like I should've protected myself better. I know I can't change the past, but I can't help the way I'm feeling. I'm getting a big "I told you so" from myself. I feel like I failed myself and that's a really hard pill to swallow.

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Despite that I'm neither young(34) nor naive, I feel much the same that you do. Not getting hurt in a relationship has nothing to do with age or even experience for that matter. Some of us wear our hearts on our sleeves, feel everything deeply and no matter what that is somehting we should not change about ourselves.

 

I wish that I could conjure up magical answers that would make everything better and bring your ex back. Alas I'm not a wizard, shaman or genie (of course even genie said he couldn't make someone love Aladdin) and all I can tell you is that you have to focus on you. This person you were with does not determine whether you are happy or not, that is up to you. Sorry, I feel like I'm offering very little in terms of answers or comfort, so I'll end this soon.

 

I myself feel betrayed and fooled by my ex. Even though I never expressed my insecurities to my ex occasionally i had visions that I would come home to find her car not in the driveway and her and her son's belongings gone. Mine did eventually bow out of the relationship 6 weeks ago, but most of her stuff is still here and we haven't contacted each other in about two weeks. During this time I have conscously decided to not let this experience harden my heart. I don't know what will happen tomorrow; she may recant and want to return, i may meet someone new at the gym, or work, or grocery store. however I know if I quit being me and try to be a closed off person with my heart that any future relationship I may get into (or back into) would be destined for failure because my true self would eventually surface and that would not be who the person fell for and I'd be back here at square -10.

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This is pretty similar to how I'm feeling too, Eff.

 

I've been beating myself up over not seeing this coming as well. We had problems about 2 years ago with a guy who she was talking to inappropriately over the internet, and it led to a huge fight and her eventually convincing me that I had nothing to worry about. It seemed I was right, because we stayed together for so long afterward with no more problems. I was convinced that I had just let my insecurities get the better of me, and I told myself I wouldn't let that happen again. "She loved me, and she didn't want anybody else."

 

Those feelings started to creep up again when she started talking and video/voice chatting with this guy Nathan, who she's apparently in some sort of internet relationship with now. I expressed my concerns, and qualified them by saying that I didn't want this to lead to the same fight we had last time because I was insecure. She even offered to stop talking to him if I wanted her to. That convinced me that she was sincere and that I had nothing to worry about, so I told her no, I didn't want to keep her from doing something that she enjoyed. Apparently, she was enjoying it a little too much.

 

However, even if I had seen this coming, what if I would have been wrong? What if I keep my guard up next time, with someone completely different, and I'm wrong then? It can't work long-term without that guard coming down. Couples have to trust one another enough to open up. Even in the wake of what's happened, I can see that I can't let this carry over to every future relationship I have. If I end up looking like a dope, then that's what's gonna happen. If something happens to end it, then the relationship will be over anyway, right? What good would it do to go with my gut and know preemptively? It won't lighten the blow, because she still will have rejected me.

 

This kind of pain will heal. You trusted your ex enough to open up to him completely. You did everything for him that you knew to do. For whatever reason, it didn't work out. Don't let his attitude ruin your capability for that kind of intimacy. You're a loving, supportive partner, and just because it didn't work with one person doesn't mean that you have to keep that hidden forever.

 

Besides, if you don't give it your best shot every time, then you'll get something much worse than pain for your trouble- you'll get regret. And regret is much harder to heal than pain. Don't beat yourself up too bad. Remember: you cost yourself some pain by being open, but you saved yourself from regret. Don't have any regrets about what happened, because it wasn't your fault.

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This kind of pain will heal. You trusted your ex enough to open up to him completely. You did everything for him that you knew to do. For whatever reason, it didn't work out. Don't let his attitude ruin your capability for that kind of intimacy. You're a loving, supportive partner, and just because it didn't work with one person doesn't mean that you have to keep that hidden forever.

 

Besides, if you don't give it your best shot every time, then you'll get something much worse than pain for your trouble- you'll get regret. And regret is much harder to heal than pain. Don't beat yourself up too bad. Remember: you cost yourself some pain by being open, but you saved yourself from regret. Don't have any regrets about what happened, because it wasn't your fault.

 

I will throw my hat into the ring too. For some reason tonight, I am feeling it all over again, the same things you are. I don't know why and I don't have the answers to study.

 

These two paragraphs from chewy21 stood out to me....whatever happened in the past, you chose to gamble and put yourself out there, gave it your best and it didn't work out. But it will do some day. That approach is a rare commodity in todays world where all people do is not get close to each other but just bump into one another. You sound like me...willing to wear your heart on your sleeve and giving your best. Don't change that...somebody special will present themselves one day to you.

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In a way, I saw all of this coming. I had my doubts and I always expressed them to him. He spent years breaking my doubts and earning my trust. I should've listened to myself and not let down my guard. I saw all this coming, yet I let my emotion cloud my better judgement. I feel like I should've protected myself better. I know I can't change the past, but I can't help the way I'm feeling. I'm getting a big "I told you so" from myself. I feel like I failed myself and that's a really hard pill to swallow.

 

If you don't trust yourself, how can you trust another? It is the same problem i have and many of us have. The only person you can truly trust is yourself........none of us can control what another person does or thinks, therefore how can we say we trust them?

 

None of us are perfect, but we have to put more trust in ourselves. The fact that we put our trust in the hands of another probably says just as much about our own weaknesses as it does about our partners.

 

Be easy on yourself........i live with feelings of regret every day. But we have to place trust in ourselves.. That doesn't mean being closed or guarded, it just means having enough self love to be able to give without the fear of consequence. Easy if theory, difficult in practice i know

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