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So after yet another rejection yesterday I am now wondering if I lack certain character traits to succeed in Dating and Relationships. I feel that I am not a selfish person and that has been one of the main reasons why I always get rejected by women... In general Selfishness is seen as a negative quality but I have learnt from observation and my own experiences that Selfishness can be a valuable asset when it comes to Dating and Relationships.

 

With my co-worker situation I should have been selfish and made my move a bit earlier. But like an idiot I waited for her to finish things off with her ex and now ended up as the fool. She conveniently blew me off. And my best guess is she has gone back to her ex. Her behavior is very selfish, give out the vibes to Clobsy and then blow him away now since I no longer need him. But that trait is helping her. I wish I had been a bit selfish and not care about what's going on with her and the ex and just made my move. I wrongly assumed that she may think that I am an inconsiderate guy for making the move on her knowing that she was waiting for her ex. But I was wrong. I should have been selfish and made my move. What did my consideration bring? She blowing me off in a completely inconsiderate way, that's what I have now

 

In conclusion I think it is difficult to succeed with women when you are a considerate and decent guy.

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uhm, if you know a girl has a bf, don't waste your time pursuing her or befriending her unless you truly want to be her friend and have no romantic or sexual interest in her. being selfish? if you see something you like, go for it. if you have information like the aforementioned, don't do it. it is that simple. you beat yourself up too much. that is 0/2. that is nothing. want to know my record? i couldn't even begin to tell you. something like a few hundred out of thousands and thousands. you have to realize rejection happens and not everyone is going to go for you. you aren't made for everyone you have interest in.

 

what you did with that one girl is you invested so much thinking you were going to get somewhere regardless if she tossed you a few signals or not.

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Sometimes, selfishness is good, but in general, women admire altruistic men. That's why one good way to meet women is to work at charities.

 

Aside from meeting women, altruism increases your self-esteem and your quality of life. So I definitely encourage it.

 

As for your particular situation, it's hard to tell what's going on, because you need to specify more information. However, there are two general schools of thoughts here - 1. that you should pursue a woman relentlessly and persistently, or 2. that you should time your moves and play the coquette.

 

My general view these days incline toward 1. It's good to be completely open about your intentions from the beginning. As long as you don't go overboard and freak a girl out, you can generate attraction where there previously was none if you're sufficiently persistent.

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uhm, if you know a girl has a bf, don't waste your time pursuing her or befriending her unless you truly want to be her friend and have no romantic or sexual interest in her. being selfish? if you see something you like, go for it. if you have information like the aforementioned, don't do it. it is that simple. you beat yourself up too much. that is 0/2. that is nothing. want to know my record? i couldn't even begin to tell you. something like a few hundred out of thousands and thousands. you have to realize rejection happens and not everyone is going to go for you. you aren't made for everyone you have interest in.

 

what you did with that one girl is you invested so much thinking you were going to get somewhere regardless if she tossed you a few signals or not.

 

this is not about just one girl ghost... this is the latest in a very very long chain of rejections.

 

this girl did NOT have a bf when i talked to her. she mentioned an ex bf. the reason i had to think a lot was because i did not know how to ask out a girl that says she is going to finalize a decision about her ex..

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this is not about just one girl ghost... this is the latest in a very very long chain of rejections.

 

this girl did NOT have a bf when i talked to her. she mentioned an ex bf. the reason i had to think a lot was because i did not know how to ask out a girl that says she is going to finalize a decision about her ex..

 

it's a chance you take with any girl though.

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No, no, PLEASE do not think this way. We do want nice guys! We dream ENDLESSLY of finding them! Please do not let a couple of girls ruin who you are: a kind, caring, considerate and thoughtful person.

 

Remember, it's rare to find "the one" right away. That's why dating exists. I know this is frustrating (Man, I could tell you some stories...) but please don't give up. Somewhere out there is a woman who is praying to find you right now. Don't give up till you find her! She'll appreciate you sticking it out, believe me.

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Um, I really don't understand why on earth you're taking away the lesson from the situation with your co-worker that you should be more "selfish."

 

????

 

Look, Clobsy, people get rejected all the time. It's part of life. IT happens for many many reasons. In this case, it probably had nothing to do with you. It probably had more to do w/her feelings for her ex, if anything.

 

You're really making this too much about you. Not only that, I think you're making some dangerous, illogical assumptions about it.

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uhm, if you know a girl has a bf, don't waste your time pursuing her or befriending her unless you truly want to be her friend and have no romantic or sexual interest in her. being selfish? if you see something you like, go for it. if you have information like the aforementioned, don't do it. it is that simple. you beat yourself up too much. that is 0/2. that is nothing. want to know my record? i couldn't even begin to tell you. something like a few hundred out of thousands and thousands. you have to realize rejection happens and not everyone is going to go for you. you aren't made for everyone you have interest in.

 

what you did with that one girl is you invested so much thinking you were going to get somewhere regardless if she tossed you a few signals or not.

(This is the most Ive ever seen you post lol)

 

I agree with ghost69. You are being way to hard on yourself. Meeting the right person takes time, its a numbers game. Finding someone who is a right match, IMO, is like searching for a needle in a haystack. However, one day you will find that special someone. She might be right under your nose but your too worried about this girl who just got out of a relationship. Rule #1 do not go for girls w a bf or just got out of a relationship. You want to be a partner, not someones rebound. After breakups, some women tend to get selfish and wishy washy bc they are still dealing with the emotions of a breakup.

 

It does seem like a lot of women are attacted to the bad boy types. Its not that women like them over nice, decent guys, its just they like their confidence. For instance, I love a guy who carries himself with confidence and pride. Someone that I feel safe around. That has nothing to do with being some big buff guy, just confident.

 

I dont know if Im expressing myself clearly today bc Im exhausted but I hope this helps.

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Its been 10 years and the best that has happened to me so far is one girl agreed to go on one date with me. That date went well. Two days later she called and ended things. Other than that one single date everything else have only been rejections and confusions/frustrations.

 

My co-worker thing was just the tipping point that is making me want to change things about myself.

 

Um, I really don't understand why on earth you're taking away the lesson from the situation with your co-worker that you should be more "selfish."

 

????

 

Look, Clobsy, people get rejected all the time. It's part of life. IT happens for many many reasons. In this case, it probably had nothing to do with you. It probably had more to do w/her feelings for her ex, if anything.

 

You're really making this too much about you. Not only that, I think you're making some dangerous, illogical assumptions about it.

 

The reason why I take selfishness as a lesson is because like an idiot I wanted to wait until the day she said she is going to make up her mind about her ex. If I had been a selfish guy I would have dis-regarded it and made my move but I did not. Instead I waited and got rejected now. And that too the first blow-off was totally inconsiderate. She obviously was not considerate to me at all from the way she blew me off. That is what I got for being considerate to her. She happily hung out with me and told things that gave me the vibes that she was interested and then now conveniently blew me off when she no longer needed me. That is the lesson I want to take. Just be selfish, take what you want, and blow them away when you no longer need them.

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Clobsy, I still maintain, you don't know what caused her to behave the way she did. You may have made your move and gotten the same result.

 

I think you're feeling insecure right now so it's easy to blame yourself.

 

Being considerate and not selfish are worthwhile qualities to have no matter who you're dealing with, and I don't think you should strive to lose some pretty admirable qualities just cuz of this one rejection.

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I thought the same thing Clobsy, that I would have to become more selfish and ruthless to get ahead in the dating world. Especially a few months ago.

 

But thinking logically, there is nothing wrong with being how we are. As you can see by the responses on this thread, some women do want the good guys and struggle to meet them just like we struggle to meet women who don't appreciate our intrinsic qualities as people. The opposite to being altruistic, kind hearted, considerate and a decent person is not something to aspire to is it?

 

Don't go changing anything! Somebody willtake you just as you are.

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Clobsy, I still maintain, you don't know what caused her to behave the way she did. You may have made your move and gotten the same result.

 

I think you're feeling insecure right now so it's easy to blame yourself.

 

Being considerate and not selfish are worthwhile qualities to have no matter who you're dealing with, and I don't think you should strive to lose some pretty admirable qualities just cuz of this one rejection.

 

There were some posts that mentioned I should have made my move earlier. I feel the same. I felt those vibes from her and should have gone for it then and there. But like a tool I was considerate and wanted to wait for her until she finalizes things with her ex (this week). When I went up to her yesterday the vibes I got were very different. They had changed from "wow clobsy is here" to "why is clobsy here". And then of course the rejection was given. If I had been a selfish person I would have only been thinking about myself and what I want instead of thinking about the other person's situation. This is why I feel selfishness, when it comes to dating, is a good quality..

 

.............. And no, all my frustration is not because this one single girl but she is now turning to be the needle that broke the camel's back.

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But...waiting til she finalizes things with the ex...that's not ALL about not being selfish. That just makes good practical sense, too.

 

It's never a good idea to try to jump into a rel'ship w/someone who's not over their last one.

 

I think you're just kicking yourself too much over this, and as your pain passes, and you see this with a more objective perspective, you'll probably stop.

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This is a very simplistic, one-dimensional view, Clobsy.

 

It's really not a good quality at all. Trust me and everyone else who's replied to you on this. Selfishness is too pervasive in this society and why people end up going postal, or end up with heart attacks, or any number of problems it causes.

 

And it's certainly not a good quality for dating or relationships of any kind.

 

This is why I feel selfishness, when it comes to dating, is a good quality..

 

.............. And no, all my frustration is not because this one single girl but she is now turning to be the needle that broke the camel's back.

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the most i've ever posted?

 

ehhh, it's not really numbers, but knowing what you are looking for and searching for it. some people find a great match right off the bat and some search forever. i'm on the path to forever. if it takes that long so be it. but i'm not going to worry my whole life looking for someone and be bummed all the time.

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But...waiting til she finalizes things with the ex...that's not ALL about not being selfish. That just makes good practical sense, too.

 

It's never a good idea to try to jump into a rel'ship w/someone who's not over their last one.

 

I think you're just kicking yourself too much over this, and as your pain passes, and you see this with a more objective perspective, you'll probably stop.

 

I doubt if I would kick myself like this if I was treated in a decent way. You know how she blew me off and never bothered to apologize. That is what I get for being considerate and decent. I really really doubt if a woman would treat a jerk in a disrespectful way. My best guess is she would date him or would be polite to him. It is usually the considerate men that are taken for a ride.

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Yeah, but really you should be kicking HER, not yourself - LOL!

 

I doubt if I would kick myself like this if I was treated in a decent way. You know how she blew me off and never bothered to apologize. That is what I get for being considerate and decent. I really really doubt if a woman would treat a jerk in a disrespectful way. My best guess is she would date him or would be polite to him. It is usually the considerate men that are taken for a ride.
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Ok-that last post of mine was a joke. I don't advocate violence, none whatsoever. lol

 

I'm going to point out something you may not have thought about Clobsy. Wasn't SHE being selfish, when she blew you off and treated you so poorly?

 

Do you really wanna stoop to her level or incorporate any of her personality traits? I wouldn't.

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If she was inconsiderate towards you, that is her issue. You didn't do anything to cause her to act that way.

It doesn't mean that you were wrong to be considerate towards her.

 

but she walks away scott-free after rubbishly treating a guy that expressed interest in her right? there is nothing i could do now. i was at the receiving end of the inconsiderate treatment and i cannot do anything at all now.

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Its been 10 years and the best that has happened to me so far is one girl agreed to go on one date with me. That date went well. Two days later she called and ended things. Other than that one single date everything else have only been rejections and confusions/frustrations.

 

 

Maybe its not lack of or too much selfishness that you should be contemplating.

 

There are plenty of posts like the above from girls here and other places (and I hear it from my girlfriends all the time and I've also asked myself the same question many times) and the main response to those is - 1. there is something consistent in your behavior that is driving the opposite sex away (not necessarily related to aggressiveness) and/or 2. you are consistently going for the wrong type of person.

 

After I broke up with my ex bf I had this issue for almost a year until I finally got sick of it and asked a trusted male friend - what am I doing? And he kind of told me enough how guys perceive me so I became aware of certain things that I do. He also made a good point about my lack of dating success and how its related to the types of guys I choose to go out with. It took a couple of months to sink it but its very helpful.

 

So I would suggest that maybe you think of doing the same? If you have a female friend just describe your situation to her and ask her to be completely honest and say - what do I need to change to become more attractive to girls? That's probably the best advice you can get than having anonymous suggestions from people you don't know.

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