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Is there a such thing as "bad timing"?


CurlySue
5 Red Flags In Relationships
5 Red Flags In Relationships

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This is my first time posting, so excuse me if I ramble...

 

I recently broke things off with a man I was dating for about two months (dating, not exclusive). (I'm 29, he's 35.)

 

~ For the first month, he would call me three/four times a day. However, within that month, we only saw each other three times (he had the flu for a week, I was out of town for a week).

 

~ At the beginning of the 2nd month, his mother had back surgery and he had to be with her 24/7 for the following two weeks (she couldn't walk at all, he had to tend to her every need. He owns his own business and can work or not work when he pleases). We spoke almost everyday while this was going on but he was overly stressed. We saw each other twice during this time but only because we had pre-arranged plans that involved tickets.

 

~ Once he didn't have to be with his mother 24/7, he dove back in to work head first trying to make up for the money he didn't make while caring for his mother. During this time, his phone calls faded. When he did call, it was typically to vent about how stressed he was and how much his mother was getting to him. He was also not participating in his regularly weekly activities (softball and bowling). I did have a very good hunch that he was seeing other people.

 

~ On three occasions I asked him to go to dinner the following day. Every time, he agreed and he'd call/text me the following day to set up when/where. However, all three times he ended up having to work late and not being able to go. He would always apologize over and over again.

 

~ After the third strike, I ended things. I told him that it was obvious that we had different priorities and were looking for different things. I told him that I wasn't mad and that I truly respected what he was doing for his mother. He asked if we were still going to go to an event together the following week and I said yes. He wanted to make sure that I was still going to talk to him and that we were still going to be friends.

 

~ I texted him twice in the next two days and he didn't reply. I called him the following week and casually asked him to help me with a few things the next day. He agreed. What should have taken us 3-4 hours, took us 8 (including a 3 hour stop at a bar for drinks/dinner on the way home - his decision). We both had a blast all day. (There was a little kissing and touching during the 8 hours, but nothing major.) On the drive home we talked about me ending things. I said that I felt that I was more into "us" then he was, and he agreed. He also said that his mother was having follow up surgery the following week and he would again have to be with her for another month. I asked if he wanted me to wait for him and he said that yes, he did, but he couldn't ask me to do so. I never said yes or no. I told him that I had built my wall WAY back up and didn't know if he could break it down again. He said "want to make a bet? I'm strong enough, I'll break it down". He also asked if I was active on the dating site where we met.

 

~ The following day we tailgated and went to a concert as planned. He was absolutely exhausted after being out late with me the night before and getting up at 5am. We had an okay time but with his exhaustion, he wasn't in the best mood.

 

~ He called me 2/3 times the following two days, just like before so I thought things may improve. I then went two days without hearing from him. He called me yesterday and we talked for almost two hours, again, just like before. I sent him an email today but he didn't reply.

 

Here are my questions/issues...

~ My feeling is, if you truly like someone, you're never TOO busy to see them. You MAKE time.

~ He must have felt something towards me to call me numerous times a day for a over a month and then "fairly" regularly for the following month.

~He wasn't just with me for the sex, we never slept together (we both wanted to but I made it a point that I wouldn't until we were exclusive).

~I do like him a lot and feel that we had very good potential - could this be one of those times when it really IS just bad timing?

~ He wants to remain friends and even got us tickets to another concert in September while we were at the concert last week.

~ I would really like to try again when things slow down with his mother and work.

~ How do I make this happen?

~ Would no contact work in this case or since I'm the one who ended things, would it make it seem like I'm not interested?

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CulrySue,

 

I don't mean to be harsh, and please correct me if I am wrong, but if I am reading this right, it seems like you are making this about you a little too much... it sounds to me like he has a great deal on his plate and that you would stand to gain considerably by being supportive as a friend right now instead of worrying about what you are going to get out of it...

 

specifically, your question; "Would no contact work in this case or since I'm the one who ended things, would it make it seem like I'm not interested?" comes off as a control tactic rather than a tool that is suggested to people who's hearts have been broken.

 

what exactly are you hoping to accomplish by "no contact"?

 

My suggestion is that you try being patient if you really want to have something with this man.

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Given that I live in a world where people are really busy, no I would honestly say that you are being selfish, at least as it comes off in your post. The man is trying to juggle work, a sick mother, and is still trying to make time for you. When I had a sick mother to care for, I had no dates in 3 years - it was just care for her and work.

 

Bad timing, perhaps, or maybe a chance to see what kind of person he really is, if you flip things around and give it a positive spin. You don't often get to see your dates facing challenging times before you yourself go through something - at least you know how he does under pressure, how he handles a serious situation.

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I do believe that it is possible that it's just bad timing. Sounds like this qualifies.

 

It may well be that he's just not able to give you the level of attention you seem to require right now. Or, it may be that his normal operating level of attention isn't enough either. That's up to you to figure out.

 

It sounds like he's interested and you're interested. NC isn't to punish him for not paying enough attention. NC would be for you if you felt there was nothing there and needed to heal.

 

I would go forward with the LC. Stay open and honest about where you both are and see how things go.

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Sorry if I'm harsh, but you sound a clingy to me. You say that you've only been dating for two months (non-exclusively) and you're already bringing up the "us" conversation and expecting him to call every day or two...which seems to be motivated not by your interest or desire to be with him, but more by fear that he's dating other people or is not that into you. That's a lot for someone who doesn't know you that well and hasn't given you any kind of commitment.

 

I say, chill out, and there won't be an issue of bad timing.

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