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Am I normal to be feeling like this???


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So we broke up - I don't want to get into the semantics of why bc I don't feel like it is important at this point - what is more important is trying to get myself through this emotional wreckage...

 

It has only been 3 days - I made sure that when it was over, that there were no ties at all so that there would be no reason for any contact. Needless to say, there has not been any contact...

 

I know this is the right thing, but I can't figure out why part of me has hope... is this normal??? I know that I have to keep fighting through this and that eventually the pain will subside - I know that sooner or later my appetite will come back and I will be able to sleep on my own - I am almost 30years old so the logical side of me is all there... but what about the emotional side??? That is the part I am struggling with - it doesn't matter how bad the problems in the relationship were - I can remind myself 1000x about what didn't work and why this has happened... but it does not quell the pain - it does not make me love him less and honestly, I still hope...

 

This is not a person who would fight for me - I know this... truth is that, I was the one trying to keep him I did not tell my friends or family what was going on and truly believed that if I could carry all the weight, that somehow he would see and that I could fix it all - I was wrong and just sort of ended up carrying a lot of baggage that truly hurt me - I felt very isolated bc I chose not to say anything for months and months - the weight of that was tough... and in addition, I ended up sort of collapsing under the pressure...

 

In any case, somehow - even though I know this is for the best - I still have hope... I wish he would fight for me - I wish he would carry his weight - I wish he would own up to his part of the problem - I wish he would show up and say he is sorry and keep trying - I wish... the fact that I know he would not do something like this should just give me one more reason to have no hope... one more reason to truly move on - I know that I want someone who will fight for me, as I will fight for them... I deserve this.

 

So I ask, why do I still have hope? Is this normal? Anyone else have hope even though the logical side of you knows that you should not?

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Hope is what keeps people going sometimes. Someone once said to me "Hope Kills". Hope can be good and hope can be bad. If you were carrying the ball and he showed no signs of helping you then do you think he will magically realize what he has done? Some people may and that is where the hope comes in. The hope is that sometimes people do change for the better...but then again some people never change. It is okay to still feel hope...just don't let that interfere with living your life and moving on with your life.

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People don't just switch off. Holding on to hope is completely normal and can cushion the shock of separation. Give yourself time. You are likely to go through a huge range of emotions from depair to hate to feeling relieved over the next 6 months.

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Thank you both for the encouragement... I guess I just thought that maybe I was wrong for feeling that way - the truth is that my heart is broken no matter how logical I can be - I am sad. I feel better knowing that having hope is normal - I don't think having hope has hindered me, yet...

 

You are right about the range of emotions... I got through all of today and did not cry... until this evening... and that is when I wrote the post - the hope sort of made me cry, I guess... I think it is ok to cry and allow myself that time to feel broken... I have also felt angry, relieved, lonely, sad, numb, determined etc.

 

I am hoping that relief comes and that the more time that passes, the sooner I will reach my goal of simply healing and feeling ok in my own skin.

 

I am definitely a bit afraid of being so alone, but I also finally let some of it out and told a few friends the truth about the relationship today and it helped lift some of the weight so I felt less isloated. I didn't stop talking to my friends while I was in my relationship, just never said a word about the bad things in the relationship for fear of being judged and having people judge him.

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I just want to say that you are never wrong or right for what you are feeling. Only you know what you went through and what you need in order to move on with YOUR life. Remember that it's your life, and now you have full control again. You don't have to carry the ball and work for someone else, especially someone who wouldn't do the same for you.

 

Time can heal all wounds, but we must also be proactive in seeking that healing. We have to realize the reasons for the breakup, the reasons the ex wasn't right for us and the reasons we are in the situation we are in now. Remember the bad, with the good. Over time, the pain will subside and you will be closer to regaining your true self again. Hope is great if it can help us get through life, but it's also important to be realistic about the hope you carry as well.

 

I think you are doing the right things in seeking out people you trust and care about to get the affection and support you need. Keep it up! Feel your emotions and deal with them. They are not right or wrong, they just are.

 

Good luck. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me.

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I let hope go one layer at a time. It was buried so deeply that it took a long time to get through all the layers. Currently I have every hope that we can be happy and no hope that we can be happy together, even as friends. Since I still love him and want him to be happy that means that I cannot be his friend. I know it sounds so simple but it took a long time, a lot of pain and heartache, and many helpful people to get this far. Hang in there.

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Thank you for your thoughts - the thoughts really do help and I am new here so I really appreciate the this...

 

I guess I don't want to make it seem like I am holding onto a bunch of unrealistic hope - in my mind, I know why this has happened and I do know why I am better on my own. I had to take a stand and be realistic and respect myself - that is the only way I can get others to respect me. I wish I would have applied this to my relationship, but I spent a lot of time trying to hide things from myself and definitely did not want to expose the relationship, so I did not ask for help and I let someone else take advantage of me - I didn't command his respect - I didn't ask for respect and therefore, did not respect myself and did not receive his respect in return. These were my own mistakes and I think by the time I realized it, it was just too late...for both of us.

 

I know I am doing the right thing - I know I have made it to day 3 and gone no contact with no expectations, at all other than to heal... this has been hard and I have had my moments but I keep reminding myself what really is and not what I want things to be.

 

Hope is a funny thing - bc I still hope and I don't know why...but the hope is not enough to get me to let my self-worth go - it is not enough to get me to pick up a phone or do something I should not... It is not enough to let go of the respect I have for myself... I forgot about me and stuffed it all down for months - I cannot do it anymore... I have to care about me...and I have realized that - I DO ;-) I am just sorry that I did not pay attention to this sooner...

 

All of this being said, the pain does not go away - I still cry but I'm not letting it derail me - I am still moving through the days - 1 step at a time. I am not sleeping well -but at least I am sleeping some - I am not eating bc I can't stomache the food and nothing is staying in me right now - LOL - but at least I'll lose a few pounds, which every woman loves, right?

 

Yes, I feel blue - mornings seem to be the hardest as I wake up with racing thoughts and can't go back to sleep - both annoying and it makes my heart feel heavy...and then I cry. I give myself some time and try to work - it is hard to focus, but I am doing it - I have opened up a bit about what happened, finally and it actually feels like a bit of the weight came off of my shoulders when I allowed myself to talk and be honest... low and behold, none of my friends judged me and neither did my parents - we are our own worst critics... I guess the reason I said nothing to anyone is bc deep down I knew I was not doing right for myself - I wanted to be the exception to the rule. I wanted things to get better and I though that if I talked about what was really happening that they would not like him very much or would tell me I was stupid for staying or whatever...

 

I still love him no matter what happened and I do want him to be happy - but I want to be happy too - and no, I know that I cannot be his friend. I think it would make this process even worse and quite honestly, I feel like it is somewhat like pulling off a band-aid - you just gotta rip it off and keep going... No contact is all that will work for me - otherwise I feel like it is asking for additional heartache.

 

I have thoughts that wander to him and how he is doing and if he is sad and I replay conversations in my head and I go through whatif's and I cry - but I also get angry and I also get real and logical with myself - I also try to be kind to myself... I am doing everything that I know to do to off set this, but it is not realistic to think the pain will just disappear or that hope will just vanish...

 

so I keep going... weekend is going to be hard, but I am just hoping to get through this one and then the next one will get easier and the next one and the next...

 

I don't know when the hope will disappear and I know I am liable to go through a range of other emotions and that I may even feel worse on days when 1 layer of that hope dies etc.

 

All I really want to know for sure is that I will get through this - there is a light at the end of the tunnel and surely, there has to be someone out there for me somewhere...

 

I am brokenhearted - most of us here, are - duh! but I have not given up on myself and I don't ever want to give up on love... even though right now, it is hard to believe that I can love anyone else romantically - I still love him This sucks! (for lack of a better phrase)

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Beautifully articulated. Reading your post, it seemed I was reading about my own struggles just a few short months ago. I had the same emotional heartache, trouble sleeping and eating, but also the same hopefulness. Don't lose that, it will help immensely, on both the good and bad days. Even now, almost 3 months later, I still get blue and down, but it's shorter and easier for me to move past those periods. We have not spoken or seen each other since (and are now on opposite sides of the world) and I doubt there will be much, if any, contact in the future. Nevertheless, I wish her all the best, and hope she achieves all she dreams of, but I also know that I can't be there to witness any of it. It's hard to let go of the dreams you have with and for someone else, but it's possible and necessary so that each of you can move on to a richer, more fulfilling life.

 

There is a light, a very bright light, at the end of this incredibly dark tunnel. For what it's worth, I have been there, I am still there, but I can also say that it really does get better. Some things that have helped me: reach out to friends and family more (I, too was surprised by the non-judgmental reactions), make plans to fill your time (especially on weekends; you'll be just as surprised at how much f&f jump at the opportunity), and maybe most importantly, write, especially at the beginning. This will help you understand and really think about your emotions. It will also be powerful in the future to be able to look back on what you felt and see how far you've come. Write a letter to your ex (to keep for yourself, of course) where you can say what you need to say but could never say. Say goodbye, wish them well, and let them go. Begin the full and encompassing process of being there for you, working on you, loving you.

 

Relationships do SUCK, but they teach us things about ourselves and what we want, so that we are better able to live the best life possible, with or without that perfect partner.

 

You're doing great! And sorry for the long post.

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Thanks to blueyes29 for writing so honestly. I felt compelled to register at this site after reading what you wrote, needless to add, but I'm going through something similar.

 

Broke-up with someone I thought I was going to spend my life with (I'm 38 in a few weeks), I won't bother stating the reasons, about a little over a month ago.

 

Since then I've found out she lied about so much, I should have known better as she lied about her age when we met (she took off 10 years), but no matter what I find out about this woman, I still want to be with her. I even got drunk yesterday and sent a venomous email as I'm so angry with her, but I can't stop wanting her.

 

She's gone back to the US, and I'm in Britain, and she's been doing a push-pull thing of one day emailing me saying how much she loves me, doesn't want to do anything except be with me, the next day it's 'It's over. Don't you understand?' etc.

 

I feel like I turned into a needy, clingy man - which I'm not usually like - no matter how disrespectfully she treats me, I just cannot stop loving her, wanting her. Keep running back for more... I even moved 450 miles away from friends and family trying to please her. Feel like such an idiot. Idiot for what happened in the past, and an idiot for still wanting to make the relationship work.

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Awwww... no problem - my first time registering was yesterday... I just needed a sounding board.

 

First, you are not alone and you are not an idiot... be kind to yourself I know it is easier said than done - trust me, I DEFINITELY have learned that for sure! We are all our own worst critics.

 

I still want the relationship to work deep, down inside... sometimes I think this is so weak and I too, feel like an idiot... but I think this is part of the "hope" thing I was referencing up top and I think it is ok bc it is tied to our dreams of the good we share with the other person. I am just worried that it will stick around too long, but I am doing what I can to deal with the feelings like this that make me lonely and sick inside and the idea that things will not feel this way forever...

 

First, you need to take care of yourself and it would probably be good to separate yourself from the relationship - it sounds like you guys are continuing to hurt each other and that can't be good - you need to respect yourself and take care of yourself - I don't think anyone can tell you when or how this will happen - I know that I was sort of backed into a corner when my relationship exploded... there was no where else to go, but out of it... it is more than likely for the best - that is what I keep telling myself. I was not strong and I did not want to go, neccessarily - it was horrible and sad and ugly. The words that were exchanged were not pleasant. I wanted to hold on - but in those few moments, I just finally let go... it was too much for me to carry anymore... that was my moment and that is how it happened... it wasn't like I went over and was strong enough to end it - I didn't and I wasn't... It was as if the Universe put me in a situation where there was nothing else to do. I guess you could call it a blessing in disguise, although right now it just feels like someone punched me in the gut...

 

In any case, there is no doubt that at some point you, like me, will hit your break point - it will not be easy - it is not fair - it does not feel good - and the broken dreams are hard to let go of... I miss him so much... so much... and here come the tears...

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Hello blueyes,

 

Yeah, we're continuing to hurl cruel insults accross the Atlantic (whether email or telephone), so much hurt already, but we just keep hurting one another. It finished with insults when she left, but I had to contact her as I was surrounded by her things and wanted to know where I should send them - that led to insults then words-of-love then insults then words-of-love then insults etc. I've resisted contacting her to apologise for last night's vicious email, as 1) she was in the wrong(!) and I didn't deserve that treatment, so think an apologetic message from me is unwarranted, and 2) I don't want to perpetuate this cycle... it's just too hurtful, hearing how much she loves me, then the next day I'm basically everything wrong with men.

 

I'm trying to eat well (difficult) and keep busy (again, difficult as I'm 450 miles from friends and family), but I find myself thinking about her almost constantly, and arguing with her in my mind(!) - arguing with someone who's not present? Is that normal?

 

I told my sister the whole story (who was always supportive of my ex.) and she was shocked, and said that I had every right to be angry - she'd be livid - so I know it's not me, I'm not delusional...

 

But it still feels like you described, that I've been punched in the stomach.

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