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I dont know what went wrong and how?


smartalex

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Dear whopsydaisy,

 

I truly thank you for your kind words and good wishes for me.Getting out of such situation is difficult but not impossible. Everyday I meet her, I get my heart filled with pain - what she did earlier for me and what she is failing to do now. I also note every time she is ignoring me on several fronts.

 

I am rationalising to myself that if she cannot see her happiness with me I should not be looking up to her for my happiness. I have not stopped being good to her. I was told that I am being treated as friend with benefits.

 

A day will come where I will automatically say good bye. I will cry in loneliness but I wont feel bad for parting with her because I would be convinced that she doesnt look up for her happiness to me. I will convince my mind that I have to find my happiness elsewhere. I will start socialising and meeting new people. I am sure I will be able to get good friends with my goodness. Goodness is God gifted. Being mean is pretty easy.

 

Also I am not trying to change her. Nobody should try changing people. People change only by self realisation. She will realise only when I wont be around for things that matter her. I have treated her like a queen. For instance every time we leave restaurant before getting into the car I hug her and kiss her on chicks then open the car door for her.

 

I have spent hours with her everytime we went shopping. I would wait outside the changing room while she would keep trying out a S or XS. I have spent time on knowing her eating habits, her choice of restaurants, places of visits, holidays, choice of clothes, accessories, shoes, bags, brands, perfumes, cosmetics, shampoos, conditioners and so many lifestyle stuff. She tells me I have set very high standards.

 

I have invested precious time on her. I have spent money which I thought I must do (she being my significant/partner,) (which any person in love would do for his beloved) for her love she bestowed on me. I dont regret that.

 

Is there anything else required to keep the relationship on? Out of 24 hours, barring the working hours I was fully tied to her? How did the someelse managed to get in. I did not suffocate her. I was fulfilling her wishes.

 

I dont know what went wrong and how?

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Really sorry about you man. I know how painful it is to go through each living moment. All you can do is keep asking why. And the answers never come. You can't think straight, you don't eat well, it starts bugging you at work, it just doesn't stop. Weekends become the most dreaded thing. You stop going to the places you went to together. Small things will keep reminding you of wonderful times. And the knowledge that she is impervious to all of this is absolutely devastating. You feel so powerless. Like nothing YOU can do makes you happy anymore. Its like someone else controls when you feel happy and sad.

 

But having said that, take some time off and think. Think straight. Whatever has happened, has happened. You cant go on living like this. Yes, it would be brilliant if things went the way you wanted them to. Unfortunately, she had other ideas. Let it be that way. Try and be a nice guy. Try and be pleasant and polite and sweet to whoever you come accross. Basically, try consciously to get out of the sob-cycle you are in. Yes, if you just wait it out, you will eventually come out of it. But its going to be a long wait. And painful. Instead, get on with your life without her. Extremely difficult, I agree. But you don't want to be in a place 5 years down the line where you look back and think you wasted a year or a few months of your life just moping over someone who didn't care enough to stick around with you. You know you tried everything you could. And that it should have made her happy. But it didn't. Why? You can't really find out. So just ignore that part. Make sure you give your everything the same way in the next relationship you are in. Right now, I am sure you don't even want to think of being with someone else. But somewhere down the line you might (and probably will) meet someone who will be more than happy to keep you. And you will be happy to keep them. All this will just be what it is then...the past.

Till that happens, go about living trying to be a positive person. You will have lapses from time to time. Phases where you will slip into absolute sorrow. Where you will think of all the good times you had with her and get frustrated over the fact that they couldn't last forever. But try consciously to keep such phases at a minimum. Keep yourself busy. Thats the best way.

Secondly, avoid what I call 'moments of madness'. Easier said than done. But every time you see some update from her side on facebook, or hear about what she has been up to through some friend or run into her somewhere and she appears perfectly happy, you are bound to get miserable. But don't do something that you will regret later. This includes calling her, leaving messages, being bitter to her in some way, being bitter to someone else etc. Always try and tell yourself, that its her loss not yours. She lost a wonderful companion. So she should be the one crying. Not you. You tried your best.

And finally, believe in yourself. Remember, from here, your relationship with her can only go one way- your way. Now you call the shots. There will be a time in her life when she ponders over what she has done. She may think she made a mistake and try and get back in touch with you. But you will have to be strong and tell her exactly what all you have been through. Tell her how you were handed a raw deal and make sure you don't get into anything that hurts you again.

If she doesn't think she made a mistake by ending this and is indeed really happy, then all you can do is feel good about it. Feel good that a person you loved is happy today. It would have been better if she would have been happy with you. But hey, thats life! Thats all there is to it. Move on!

Don't worry man. I am sure you will be fine!

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Hey Moonbug,

 

Thanks a lot. You have actually spelt out what I am going through. I will follow what you say and have been doing to keep myself going. Nonetheless there will be bout of sorrow and pain and I may come at "enotalone". It gives us a choice to cry and ventilate without anyone knowing about who is it?

 

I thank you for your good words and wish you lots of good luck.

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