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How do you get someone to just leave you the heck alone?


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How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

I'm not a mean person. I'm really not. But I swear my ex is bringing out the devil in me. He's killing my phone battery he's calling and texting so much. He shows up randomly at my apartment, doesn't listen when I say "I want nothing to do with you, please go away." His only response has been "I want to see you I love you we have something special blah blah blah." I was nice in the beginning, I tried to keep up LC because I did feel bad, and I didn't think this would happen.

 

 

He texts me every 10-20 minutes or so, even at work. I have been ignoring it for the past few days, since he randomly showed up the last time and I ended up screaming at him to leave, after about 20 minutes.

 

 

I responded tonight to him saying the same thing over and over again in an attempt to make myself as clear as I could.

 

He wanted to know if I could come see him before I move for the summer, and that he "believes in love at first sight."

 

I said, "what was the very last thing I said to you?"

 

Him " To stop harassing you?"

 

Me: " I said to stop talking to me period. To not contact me. And for someone who claims to want to listen to me you are doing an atrocious job."

 

Him: " I just want to hear your voice, that's all."

 

Me: " You only think about what you want. Leave me alone now. No more calls, texts, or visits."

 

Him: "I'm sorry I just think about everything and I feel like there is something there."

 

Me: " I don't care what you think. Stop."

 

Him: "What did I do that you can't talk to me? I didn't do anything wrong here why do you hate me?"

 

Me: "You have done something wrong. I have told you so many times to leave me alone and you don't. Leave me alone. This is absolutely the last you are going to hear from me."

 

Since I said that, around 3pm, I've gotten 15 missed calls from him, and 28 texts all telling me how he's not eating, he still smells me on his stuff?? How he knows I can't leave him and stop loving him and that I'm stupid, and he keeps quoting my poetry at me...

 

He was super controlling, wouldn't ever let me leave his house, yelled at me after 2 weeks of dating when I left his place to have a movie night with my roommate, asking how I could abandon him... and it only got worse from there. He would get angry at nothing and punch walls, he talked to his ex constantly, despite me saying how much I hated it, etc. Since the breakup he's threatened to kill himself, had his friend drive by my apartment to check to see if my car was there, shown up at my apartment twice despite me saying "don't do it" 10 times the first time, and with no warning the next.

 

 

I just have no idea how to get it through to him to leave me alone. It seems like NC just eggs him on further.

 

 

 

Am I being mean though? Seriously? He hasn't done anything so bad that I could be mad at him, besides being super thick and not listening when I said "I want to be alone, please respect that and don't contact me," which is how I initially broke up with him. He's just annoying!! I'm getting so sick of it, and like I said, I can't go anywhere because he kills my phone battery, and I have to keep my phone on silent, and end up missing other calls. I want him to stop.

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Well, definitely stop ALL communication with him. Every time he calls and every time he texts, just don't answer and don't respond. If you tell him, "This is the last time you'll hear from me," you have to mean it, or he'll assume you weren't serious and he'll keep trying. Don't go LC, go NC. Don't worry about being mean at this point, obviously no matter how you treat the situation he doesn't get the message.

 

And if that doesn't work, change your number. If he has no way to call or text you, you're guaranteed to stop getting pestered (at least via phone).

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no you're not being mean. You tried to be nice at first and told him to go away. Let him know that if he doesn't stop, that you will get a restraining order on him. And if he continues to stalk/harass you, then get that restraining order!

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He is trying to bully you into continuing contact with him. This isn't about love, it is about control. He wants what he wants, and he doesn't care what you want.

 

If someone is stalking you like this (and yes, this is stalking if you have asked him to stop and he continues), then the professional advice to deal with stalkers is that you must have no contact with him. Stalkers want your attention, and in their minds, even negative attention is better than no attention. So they don't care what you say/do, as long as you are paying attention to them.

 

If they text you 100 times, and you respond on number 101, then they've learned they have to bother you 100 times to get what they want, but they got what they wanted.

 

So you have to show them you are in control of your own life and will decide who you will and won't talk to. The only way to do that is to do what you said. If you told him you don't want contact, then you have to totally stop contact. Even if he texts you a million times, don't respond. Don't respond to email, phone calls, texts, or even if he shows up to talk to you. Don't say one word, don't answer the door, slam the door in his face etc. He has to learn that he can't force his way into your life and that you mean what you say.

 

If you never do respond, he'll eventually give up, but it will be a contest of wills for a while. If he doesn't stop in a week or two, then have someone else you know call him and tell him that if he doesn't stop, then you will contact the police and get a restraining order against him. But you can never talk to him again or he 'wins'.

 

Most likely if you call the police they will just warn him, and if he still doesn't listen, then you get the restraining order.

 

In other words, don't negotiate with terrorists. He is terrorizing you with his behavior, and you have to not play.

 

If you want, change your phone number, as that is sometimes the best way to get your point accross. but if you don't want to do that, just turn your phone off except for once an hour to check for calls from people you want. Let your friends know what you are doing (turning the phone off and checking once an hour) in order to stop him from killing your phone. (but don't tell him, just never have any contact with him ever again. don't let him bait you into talking to him ever again, just keep ignoring him).

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Usually his behavior should slack off a bit after a couple weeks if you genuinely refuse to respond to anything he does and deprive him of contact with you.

 

Some persistent people take a month.

 

And truly obsessed/crazy people can take longer than that (and in that case it is time to involve the police).

 

To handle it, i'd just switch off the phone most of the time, and check it once an hour. That will conserve your batteries if you just page thru and ignore his texts and only respond to voicemail from friends you want to talk to.

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How long should I wait? I don't want to jump the gun and go through all the trouble of changing a number I've had for 5 years, and I don't want him to have a restraining order on his record.

 

 

As a dumpee i know not to do what he is doing if he ever has the slightest hope of you returning. He has f'ed up his chance. Why wait until you have to take legal action? Go ahead and change you number. make sure to save all of your contacts to your sim card first (there should be an option to do so). If he doesn't "get it" and shows up and makes you feel uncomfortable then proceed with persuing legal options (restraining order). Obviously telling him over and over isn't getting through.

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Wow... I sure hope it doesn't go to a whole month.

 

 

You're right, rewarding him every millionth call probably is only telling him that's what it takes to get me to crack.

 

I guess I can explain to people that talk to me that my phone will be out of service for a bit so leave a voiceamail if its important or something along those lines..

 

Thank you so much. I just want him to move on at this point. You're advice is spot on and very helpful.

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I suggest you phone your provider and ask for his number to be blocked.

 

Good suggestion, she wouldn't have to change her number if she did that.

 

However, this guy doesn't sound too stable...can she be sure he won't keep harassing her by calling from other peoples' phones?

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That would definitely be something to look in to. My roommate said you can't block numbers because people block creditors? Also, he has a pay-by-month no contract phone, which he was getting switched soon anyway. And he calls me from work. I think I'll just let everyone know, and turn off my phone.

 

 

Thanks, everyone.

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I would send him a text message so you have a record of it. State something like this:

 

"I have repeatedly asked you to stop contacting me and coming by my home. You are not respecting my wishes. I do not want to do this, but if you do not stop contacting me and coming by immediately I will call the authorities."

 

And then block his number. Why don't you want a restraining order on his record? He IS harassing you and it needs to stop. Do not back down... if he keeps it up then contact the authorities. It's HIS problem if he can't just accept and leave you alone and gets a restraining order.

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My phone isn't compatible with a SIM card, oddly enough. It has a memory card for pictures, but I asked about transferring my old SIM card to this phone and they said it wouldn't work. I guess I'll save the one that where I told him to leave me alone and its the last he'll hear from me, and then some of the ones after that.

 

 

In retrospect, he acted like this with his ex from a couple years ago. I thought, being 26 years old, he would have matured past this type of obsessive behavior, and I wouldn't need to worry about it. This has now been added to my bank of red flags.

 

Thanks guys. It's good to know I'm not being unreasonable with this. He keeps saying he loves me and he doesn't know why I'd hurt him like this, ad nauseum and it got to me at first. I did feel terrible. I'm glad I'm learning a pretty valuable lesson here.

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I know. What happened was I've been job searching for the past... 3 months? He said, earlier in the week, that he could get me a job where he works where I wouldn't have to see him. That night, he had texted me about it, and asked what my decision was. I sent him one back saying "I don't know. I will let you know."

 

I didn't have much intention of actually calling him, but I was pretty desperate for an income, so I was considering it so I could stay up here by my school. Before that I had not really been talking to him, but when I did, it was me saying politely "I would like to be alone, please respect that." After I told him I would let him know, he kept texting me for a bit and then stopped for the first time in a while. I forgot about him more or less, and decided to relax, watch TV and drink (which I very rarely do). To be honest, by the time he showed up I was past being entirely coherent. I'm not proud of that, but I didn't expect him to walk to my house. When he got there, I walked out to meet him to tell him to go away. He started crying, and he kept begging me to go with him. After I would say, 30 minutes I caved and he stopped to grab food, and took me to his place. Offered me wine, I was already starting to black out here and there, and ended up having a little and falling asleep. I woke up the next morning, was fairly angry, and left.

 

I had tried to be nice before that, but that's really the catalyst for me being so upset. I told him no, don't come by I have no interest in seeing you, and he still did. I made a mistake. You're right. I encouraged it by texting back, by coming to the door. Being drunk is no excuse. My anger is more at myself for letting that happen, when I wanted nothing more than to not see him. He is very good at making me feel terrible, and I should have just ignored him. I'm trying to correct it now, and let us both move on.

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I do understand what you're saying, but I feel that you're trying to find reasons to answer his contacts, maybe not everytime, but even once, is only encouraging him to keep this up.

 

Also, if you decide to get a restraining order on him, and you don't follow that order, you won't have a leg to stand on.

 

I think this will end if you're truly serious about keeping him out of your life, and sticking with that decision, otherwise you'll be back on here asking how to stop him from contacting you.

 

All the best...

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Just remember that contact for him is like feeding a fire. Every contact you have is like throwing a log on that keeps the fire burning. If you never throw a log on, eventually the fire will go out.

 

So you have to not give him a single contact of any kind, because if you do, it will probably start another 2 week cycle of him bombing you for contact.

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I think this will end if you're truly serious about keeping him out of your life, and sticking with that decision, otherwise you'll be back on here asking how to stop him from contacting you.

 

I'm sorry. I'm not meaning to create double posts or keep bringing up the same issue. I figured this was a separate issue from the other post, so I should move it.

 

I'm pretty sure I'm not looking for reasons to answer him. Seeing as I was in a relationship with him, I do care about him. To see him so distraught over this hurt a lot. It was very hard to ignore him, especially when I was so used to caving in to his guilt constantly. I moved, I stopped answering, I'm moving on and not thinking about it anymore. I've broken the feelings I had for him, I've broken the habits we had. I was just making sure that I was justified in being harsh, and if that would actually work.

 

I'm sorry if it seems I'm being immature, dense, or repetitive with this. I really, really appreciate all the advice. You all have been a big help. Thank you so much.

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Sounds to me like he is an obsessed lover. This could take a turn for the surreal, or even violent if you encourage him anymore. By that, I mean you should just stop all contact completely, as stated by posters above. Block his number, texts, emails, everything. Don't encourage an obsessive lover by acknowledging him, period.

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