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Definately a learning lesson


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During an instant message with my ex of 14 years I got the following comment:

 

"I'm sorry you feel that way.I just enjoy his company very much. it's not ALL about conversation. I don't like to talk about business all the time..I want to genuinly feel loved and wanted"

 

 

I didn't show her anywhere near enough affection and she is now living with a guy who is showering her with it.( for 7 months now) I treated her too much like one of the guys and want everyone to know how important affection is to all women. Where is the fine line though of looking weak and needy by giving to much? I highly doubt I can do anything to ever get her back and she will likely marry him. I so wish I had another chance.

 

Do any women have an answer for that?

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it's just communication. every woman is going to be different from each other. learn to listen to her words, listen to her body language. listen to the things she says and listen to the things she doesn't say.

 

 

oh and it's a two way street. she has to try to communicate to YOU about what she's unhappy about and you, in turn, have to work at listening. relationship is a two way street. you can't blame it all on yourself.

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Respect yourself as a person and what your own needs in a relationship are. As long as you can do that, affection (even heaps of it) will not be viewed by your partner as weak and needy. My H is extremely big on affection and expressing love and care. I certainly don't view him as weak or needy because I know he wouldnt be with me if I treated him like crap. That sort of self-respect demands my own respect.

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Respect yourself as a person and what your own needs in a relationship are. As long as you can do that, affection (even heaps of it) will not be viewed by your partner as weak and needy. My H is extremely big on affection and expressing love and care. I certainly don't view him as weak or needy because I know he wouldnt be with me if I treated him like crap. That sort of self-respect demands my own respect.

 

I liked this answer

 

To the OP....very honest of you to admit those mistakes. What do you feel you could have done differently? This is an interesting topic, though I am actually someone who gave a lot of affection and sadly it was taken for granted

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Do you really think it would change if you had another chance? Maybe there is something you are afraid of that kept you from giving more love. Maybe you are afraid to open up and be vulnerable. There is a difference between being vulnerable and being needy.

 

A lot of people say they would have liked another chance to show more affection, but i don't think it's as simple as that. There is a reason that people withold affection/love and it usually has to do with their own fear.

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Do you really think it would change if you had another chance? Maybe there is something you are afraid of that kept you from giving more love. Maybe you are afraid to open up and be vulnerable. There is a difference between being vulnerable and being needy.

 

A lot of people say they would have liked another chance to show more affection, but i don't think it's as simple as that. There is a reason that people withold affection/love and it usually has to do with their own fear.

 

Thanks for the feedback everyone. It sounds like I am not alone in making this mistake. Perhaps I was afraid to open up and become vulnerable. My goodness life goes by fast. I also seems that we ended up not being the most compatible kissers and that became a problem for me. We were in the first year but it wasn't like my first love. That seemed like off limits for us to talk about even though communication was the best part of our marriage. It is just sad because she was the one for me and was the perfect wife. I blew it and took her for granted but after learning what I know now I understand why she craved more. It was a selfish move but she likely got tired of giving more than I did. I definitely learned the hard way from this. My advice to anyone in a relationship that is important to them is to read a few books about what the opposite sex need.

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It happens too often unfortunately. Her fear of abandonment meant that she needed more affection/love and your own fear of opening up and being more vulnerable meant that you distanced whenever she tried to get closer. It's a tough road, but that's where we all need to be far more in tune with our own fears and emotional self so that we can be compassionate with one another in relationships and be more vulnerable without being scared

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I looked at your other posts and I have to say that you are taking on far too much blame here. Look what she did: SHE CHEATED ON YOU WITH A MAN WHO ALREADY HAD A WIFE...JUMPED STRAIGHT FROM YOUR BED TO HIS...MOVED IN WITH HIM THUS KICKING HIS WIFE OUT...SET UP HAPPY FAMILES WITH HIM, TAKING YOUR DAUGHTER WITH HER. Sounds to me she has a lot to answer to. I wonder what will happen a year or so from now when the honeymoon is over and she will not have a 24/7 love-in. I think you need to stop kicking yourself and start seeing how badly SHE has behaved. Sure you could have done things better...but that DOES NOT EXCUSE HER CHEATING ON YOU AND WRECKING SOMEONE ELSE'S MARRIAGE, NOT TO MENTION HER OWN.

 

Take her off that pedestal...she is a cheater, liar and homewrecker.

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Thank you crazy about dogs for the effort you put into the feedback. She really was the perfect wife but she is no longer the same person. What she did was extremely selfish and she may be spending too much time with him and not enough with our daughter now. She says she is very happy with him so I wonder if the honeymoon phase will end anytime soon. It is dissapointing that she has turned into a cheater and a liar and yes I do need to finally take her off the pedastal. The thing is she still is the mother of my daughter so I dont want to be enemies. When I asked why she didnt communicate her needs she says anyone would be uncomfortable bringing that up. That is a poor excuse. She doesn't seem to understand that the passion fades in long term marriages. Sure people over time crave the excitement of a new relationship but she was married. Thanks for helping me realize that I am taking too much blame. Should I just keep it on neutral terms and only discuss my daughter? I do miss her company but everyone says that the solution is to find someone new.

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The solution is not to find someone new until you are ready to find someone new. Too many people jump into new relationships before they are ready. Yes, keep it neutral and just business with her. The person you knew is history, replaced by someone who takes no responsibility for wrong-doing. Keep contact with her to a minimum...just about your daughter.

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A great post by CAD on a point that everyone seemed to be forgeting.

 

There is a phase that the one left behind goes through when the walkaway leaves where he/she blames themselves for the dissolution of the relationship way too much. Taking responsibility for your own actions in not the same as blame. It is easier to induce unpleasant emotional reaction when blaming yourself.

 

What she does after the honeymoon phase is irrelevant. That again becomes her choice independent of your life. She has made her choices and it seems she has attempted to pass the guilt she is experiencing on you. Compassion, this is not.

 

As for attempts to justify her actions, "shameless people will do what ever they need, no matter how irrational it is, in order to survive emotionally." Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.

 

To take the drastic steps she did in her life, she might have been emotionally suffering. That is not to say that you are responsible for that. People with so much accumulated pain inside could having been carrying that around their whole life. Intimate relationships constitute the most emotional stimulating situations that we may ever experience. As atelis has discussed, the pain can turned into fear. Fear that can dominate their decision making processes.

 

I would accept things as they are for how can something that is be something else? To do this effectively, it has to accomplished without judgment of either the situation or yourself and without the strong egoic desire for it to be other than it is. To me, judgment is best left to a higher authority and that authority does not seem to be willing to judge.

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Hey rebelfac, the odds are very much against her staying with him long term. One poll I read mentioned that 97% of affairs end within 2 years and in the cases they actually marry they have a 75% divorce rate (within 2-5 years). That's mainly due to the fact that the foundation of their relationship is based on lies and cheating and eventually that will come back to haunt them.

 

She may be the mother of your child but you need to start seeing her as the enemy and get angry. Don't DO anything mean but be cold when dealing with her for now and don't be her friend. Any support you give her just enables her affair to continue because you end up filling voids the other guy may not be able to.

 

Don't worry about what you did, this is all on her. You didn't cause her affair, she did. I know because I went through the same thing as you and I wasn't affectionate either. My wife just told off the guy she left me for just last night (and has lived with for 3 months or so) and is planning on moving back into our house (I'm not living there at the moment) and is desperate to get back with me and be the perfect wife for now on. I'm slowly coming around to letting her back in my life but in my opinion she doesn't deserve another chance with me and I've told her as much. When they feel you no longer need/want them then that's when they start having second thoughts.

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Very true mutley I just wish I learned this years earlier. Why must we have to learn things the hard way? Congrats Rob that the tables turned. Good point about filling voids. I am now a believer that when they feel you no longer need them they have second thoughts. I am no longer going to cling to any hope. She does genuinely want me to find someone and I don't think it's about relieving her guilt anymore. When people start to think that we only live once and that we are responsible for our own happiness it seems that temptations become easier to justify.

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I found a picture of her on his blog and she looks pregnant. The pictures is labed as her name at 6 weeks. They aren't even married. She definitely isn't the same person.

 

wow.. im sorry to hear that.. i just found out my ex is with another guy and that is tearing me up.. i couldnt imagine her actually having kids with him..

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Mentioned my story before ( ex wife moved in with another guy 7 months ago after 12 year marriage)

 

She now seems pregnant but not sure how to react and what to say. What I want to say at the moment once I ask and it's confirmed is:

 

I will keep my opinions to myself this time but I definitely have no desire to flirt with you ever again and now also have no desire to ever want you back. Is this too mean to say? ( she will regret the pregnancy mistake at the very least but I don't actually want her to struggle)

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