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Really confused about my life


mr me

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I constantly struggle with this thought that you only go thru things you are able to deal with. Ill just say ive thought of alot of things that break that rule. I think if you go crazy, commit suicide, have a mental breakdown, have your memory blocked out or lose your memory because of something etc. I basically am not able to think about what my life has been like. I think its good on one side because I dont want to focus on it too much but at the same time that means i cant deal with it. So if I have anything that reminds me of something that is really painful or triggers a memory from my past i basically have a panic attack. My therapist has talked to me about people that go thru really painful things basically needing to deal with it for the rest of their lives. Its like there are times when it just comes back into your mind. I usually dont have anyone to talk to about it or dont even know what it is that is bothering me. Im still trying to cope with it and those are moments where i sometimes really feel like i could lose it.

 

I guess for some people they might find it hard to help me but i am just not able to talk about things. I really just try to do anything to get my mind off of it or try to just find things to relax me and thats what writing does for me.

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Well, I can say I'm glad you found an outlet.

 

I have been torn apart so badly that I too suffer from panic attacks. I've also lost a large part of my memory (and memories), I'm constantly on edge, and have severe trust issues due to that as well.

 

I find that talking about it does help me, but it's not for everyone. I have no shame in talking to a friend or family member I feel can help, and I don't hold back in talking or writing.

 

Just know that if you ever DO need to talk, eNA is here to listen.

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i know exactly how u feel and what ur saying and think its kind of interesting because i never thought of it like that lol... i mean yeah... there are tonnes of ppl that decided they couldnt handle it after all so there goes that theory true?

 

but u know what, someone said that to me once and it worked for me - i found it comforting to hear "ur meant to go through all this, everything happens for a reason" and yeah when i was feeling totally insane once upon a time i couldnt understand it and hearing "one day it will make sense" back then was like.... SUUUREEEE!!

 

the fact that my memory blocked things or that i lost so much memory was actually a cause of stress and unhappiness for me because i thought my brain was totally screwed.... ahhh the mind and its mysterious ways

 

time will tell i guess hey? in the meantime - hang in there, keep writing and when ur better... u might be able to laugh over it. i threw a lot of my 'crazy writing' out because it was a source of embaressment to see how strange and disconnected i was from reality and that was evidence but at the time i'm sure it stopped me from killing myself or being even worse... i can only assume now that things are better!

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It's strange how much of what you mention I can relate to. Since a painful breakup (and actually during the last part of that relationship) I have not been myself. My concentration is gone and I have become more forgetful than I even was before. I am very relaxed compared to the way I used to be but then sometimes I will get panic attacks because of a buildup of work or just loneliness and stress.

 

Recalling my past is nearly impossible. My friends or bf will tell me a story about something that happened a while ago or when they were little, and I cannot remember anything that I could offer as a story to tell, only sometimes if I concentrate really hard. I can't even remember finer points of a movie that I may have seen in the last couple years.

 

Eventually does this reverse, or are the memories just gone for good? I'm glad that writing has seemed to help you, keep it up if it helps.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I think your memories come back but its really painful sometimes. Its like your mind has blocked out things for a reason and then to have them come back is stressing on your mind. Its kinda weird because you think its just your memories coming back but for it to really happen its so much different then it sounds. It definitely feels like your mind goes off track sometimes too. Its weird too because you want to be able to remember stuff but sometimes its better to just not think about it at all. Its a really complicated situation to be in.

 

I also try not to look back at all the messed up stuff I wrote or sometimes still write. Im just not sure if thats good or not because it can be good to forget it. I guess from what ive tried to see is one day people learn to process whatever they went thru so its easier to cope but I wouldnt really know how it happpens or what it takes to get there. I try to see that things happen for a reason but ive learned also that its not always a good reason. Life can be really cruel and painful and im just trying to not get lost in that so i can see there is more to it then that. I guess something i struggle with alot is how will I be able to live with how my life is like now later on. I guess i cant really do much about it but sometimes i really wish things could of been different. I know thats not the best way to look at it but sometimes thats just how i see it. Im really starting to see how hard it is for people to try to be happy or be able to accept things for what they are when life gets this bad. I guess thats why for me all i can do is try to keep going and see if my life does get better.

 

I can also relate to the being on edge and trust issues. Its crazy because its hard for me to even see how someone could live doing this bad. It feels almost inhuman to go thru something like this. I really dont have anyone i can talk to about this so its kinda crazy but I have found people online to talk to. I guess i was just thinking about how crazy it is that people before who might have went thru something similar in the past didnt have the internet. Its almost scary for me to think what my life would be like without it and all the help ive gotten from having it.

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