How to get closure?

[lionquack]

How do you get closure. I am struggling to get closure as there are many unanswered questions on why we broke up. I am finding it difficult to move on as a result.

 

I am on day 16 of NC btw.

 

How did y'all get your closure which helped you move on?

[DN]

when a relationship is over - that is all the closure that I needed. Doesn't matter who ended it or why. If it's done then it's closed.

[dhjjessel]

you will NEVER get a satisfactory answer

the biggest lesson and the most life-enhancing part of getting dumped is LETTING GO without need for closure

closure is a myth

even when my ex accidentally told me she was sleeping with someone else, it felt like closure, but my feelings didnt change. Closure comes from within

[Keyman]

Closure is closing of a part of your life, in particular, one with someone that is no longer in it. Only you can get closure on a past relationship, and it's a decision you make when you are ready.

 

Getting a set of answers to questions that seem important won't help with the closure, if anything, they open more issues and questions.

[pinkelephant]

to me, closure is accepting that it's over. really over.

 

it could be seeing your ex lover with another lover. it could be realizing how your ex lover was a jerk, seeing them without rose coloured glasses. it's just when it registered in your mind that there's no going back.

[loulee]

Closure really is another term for acceptance...Stop looking for your closure from your ex....but look for it from within yourself and that will help take you one step closer to feeling closure..Closure is not often about a talk with the ex to basically rehash old stuff...if you take an honest look at it ..deep inside you already know what was wrong....decide for yourself when you want your closure,...No its not easy for sure.. but any thoughts of that one last conversation is often more about hoping for a reconciliation if we are brutally honest...Once you empower yourself more by getting happy on your own and dealing with issues YOu didnt like about yourself and making good positive things happen in your life that bring you joy and happiness i guarentee the need for closure literally disappears or becomes very insignificant...good luck

[Circe]

You accept that you made the choices you made (during the relationship & breakup) because at the time you thought they were the best ones to make. You accept that you might have been wrong. You believe you will learn from your mistakes. But none of it needs to involve communicating with the other person.

 

If you think closure is something that takes the pain away, it's not. You're going to miss that person for a while, no matter how much "closure" you get.

[lionquack]

thanks for the the replies. These posts are defiantely helpful.

[Tony in Phoenix]

OP, I must tell you, closure for me came when I had finally had enough of being in pain, trying to find within myself what went wrong and after several months of NC, I realized she had closure and had moved on.

 

Again, I went months feeling sick and was not enjoying life. One day, I decided I had had enough and I was not going to live in pain any longer - that's when I finally closed the book on that chapter in my life.

 

Its not easy, but once you decide once and for all to close that chapter, you'll get better much quicker. Best of luck.

[dhjjessel]

OP, I must tell you, closure for me came when I had finally had enough of being in pain, trying to find within myself what went wrong and after several months of NC, I realized she had closure and had moved on.

 

Again, I went months feeling sick and was not enjoying life. One day, I decided I had had enough and I was not going to live in pain any longer - that's when I finally closed the book on that chapter in my life.

 

Its not easy, but once you decide once and for all to close that chapter, you'll get better much quicker. Best of luck.

 

really? you just switched it off?

[Tony in Phoenix]

really? you just switched it off?

 

Don't get me wrong, it was not easy but what else was I supposed to do? She apparently had moved on, so why should I sit back, put my life on hold and live in misery? I was tired of being in incredible pain - why should she win?

 

The pain doesn't entirely go away, but the pain does subside once you finally close the chapter - take the good with the bad and apply what you learned going forward.

 

One thing I do is that when I start obsessing about my ex, I yell really loud, "STOP!" - that usually clears my head and allows me to continue what I was doing.

 

Buttom line - things happen for a reason (I'm not sure I always believed that), but they do and once you work toward closing that chapter, you will feel a whole lot better, or at lease good enough to try and move forward and stop hanging on to something that mostly likely is gone for good.

 

Take control of the situation and yourself. You owe it to yourself.

 

Best of luck.

[RachelNY]

I'm going through the same thing. I need closure so badly. It's making me physically ill. I don't know what to do. People say "just let go" but it's not that easy. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to do this.

[CarrieB123]

It's possible that people seek closure so that the hurt will lesson. DN's comment that the end is the closure in itself, is correct.

 

With my first real break up, 2 guys ago, it ended as ugly as ugly gets. So I figured that that was why it hurt so much. I had wished that we could part amicably, with a lingering sorrow as we embraced "goodbye" with almost a movie-like ending. With my recent ex, that is exactly what I got the movie-like ending, he gave me a long kiss on the cheek, we looked into each others and he hugged me tightly. And was on his way.

 

But both ended. Period. Over. With the first one, I thought that the closure I needed was peace, the peace came so much later, within my happy-self.

 

Good luck OP, its tough. But in my experience and a lot of what I see on here, contacting them to get "closure" only lengthens the time it takes to find peace. Maybe you could seek peace, rather than closure.

[drewciouS281]

i didnt actually get my closure from my ex till almost a year later. i was over the heart break and had moved on but something was still missing. I would dream about her and think of her alot from time to time so finally one day i called her up and asked if she wanted to come over to my house for drinks. she did and we talked, got things off our chest and that was the end of it. You will know when its right to contact for closure or if you even need to contact her in general and just deal with it yourself

[dhjjessel]

My ex and I had a similar chat after 5 months and she basically told me that I had lost her heart a long time ago.

Still, i hasnt given me closure. I still think about her all the time. I am still mad about her

Only internal closure will be enough for me. I'm too much of a romantic to let go in any other way

[Tony in Phoenix]

My ex and I had a similar chat after 5 months and she basically told me that I had lost her heart a long time ago.

Still, i hasnt given me closure. I still think about her all the time. I am still mad about her

Only internal closure will be enough for me. I'm too much of a romantic to let go in any other way

 

Bro, I know how you feel but she basically told you she was done. Please don't waste your energy thinking and wishing for someone who is now gone. You have so much to offer to another girl out there - it just wasn't meant to be. Don't dwell on the good things about your relationship - dwell on the frustrations, the bad things and that will help - afterall, if it were all good, you'd still be together right?

[Lauren.xo]

Trust me, closure will never come. You think that you have only a few questions and they can give you the answers... But when there answers come you have more questions about there answers and then its a cycle. When the relationship ends, we just have to accept that as closure.

 

I asked soo many times for my ex to give it to me... Everytime he had different answers.. and EVERYTIME it never made me feel good, always worse.