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Fear I forced my boyfriend to propose. Any help would be greatly appreciated!


EB2009
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So my boyfriend proposed this past Thanksgiving and we started planning the wedding about two months ago. We have picked the venue and I have started dress shopping. I am very excited and I truly believe he is my soul mate, but part of me is still a little worried about how his proposal went down.

 

Background info: We started dating 3 years ago, and moved to Chicago together a year ago (we live together in Chicago now). About 2-3 months after living together I started to uncontrollably nag him about when he wanted to get engaged. For some reason I just couldn't stop myself. I had this enormous amount of fear that because we now lived together he would just put off proposing. I don't know where this came from. He told me after the first few months of dating that I was the one for him and he wanted to marry me one day. But then after we moved in together, when I would ask him about it he would say that he wanted to save money for a ring and adjust to moving to a new city. He also said he wanted it to be a surprise that I had no idea was coming. Even after he said all of that - I couldn't stop myself from asking about it every so often. Then he asked me to go look at rings with him. I was so excited! So I picked one out that I really loved, but I didn't know when he was going to buy it. Three months went by and no proposal. So then here came the nagging again! I don't know why I couldn't stop myself, but I just kept asking "when, when when..." So then he took me out to this really romantic dinner, told me how much he loved me, and proposed on Michigan Ave. in Chicago by all the new Christmas lights. It was really romantic. But still part of my thinks that my nagging totally ruined the proposal (I even picked a fight with him the day before he proposed, because he hadn't done it yet). I know he loves me, but I fear that since I kept nagging him I will never know if he proposed on his own terms or if this is truly what he wants. (I think if I wouldn't have kept nagging he would have waited until the summer to propose so that it could be a surprise).

 

So since being engaged I have told him how sorry I am that I nagged like that, and how guilty I feel that I ruined our engagement. He always says "you did annoy me and nag me to death, but that's not why I did it. I wouldn't have done it if I didn't want to." But I can also tell sometimes that he is bitter toward the fact that I wouldn't leave him alone. He even said once in front of his parents, "You just couldn't wait for me to give you that ring." (in a snotty tone). It made me feel stupid and desperate.

 

I am soooo mad at myself. When I talk to my friends about our wedding plans, I am so upset on the inside knowing that I feel like I forced him to propose. Do you think I should be happy that I found someone who will still propose even though I have a serious problem with nagging people? (A part of me is happy that he loves me enough to propose even though I have this problem). Or should I feel that I forced him into this?

 

I know a lot of you are going to say that I need to figure out why I nag so much and why I wanted so badly to get engaged. And I realize this is a problem. But I was just so happy to finally find the one after all the failed relationships, that I couldn't help being scared that if he didn't propose it would fail as well. Please, any help at all would be greatly appreciated. I am so scared that I forced him and it will cause heartache in the end. Is there anything I can do to ease my mind or make sure he is ready? I apologize for the long winded post.

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My last relationship fell apart because I didn't propose when she wanted me to. It seems to me that you got very, very luck that he didn't break it off if he felt pressured. I felt very pressured, and even though I was ready, I wasn't going to propose just because she was bugging me about it.

 

I set the date I was going to do it (in my mind) about 10 months after she thought it would happen. I was setting up dinner reservations, 3 day weekend retreat, and all kinds of other stuff so it would be perfect.

 

She broke up with me 4 months before... just as I was about to finish the reservations.

 

We talked 6 months after the fact, and I told her everything. She cried and claimed she was stupid for being so childish, and hinted that she still wanted it. We didn't end up back together.

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Welcome to ENA. LOL, you truly are not alone. About 80% of my male friends, and self included (though single), have gotten that kind of nagging, it's par for the course and we accept it. He doesn't seem to have any residual resentment against you, based on what you type, so wouldn't worry about it too much.

 

Just nix the nagging about other things when you are tempted to and you will be fine. Best wishes on your wedding.

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Honestly at this point I think you need to let it go and trust him when he says he would not have proposed if he didn't want to. Yes, you nagged him, and yes, you probably should have backed off and let him do it his way, but you can't change that now and harping on it with him is only going to get annoying and frustrating.

 

It's obvious he loves you and wants to marry you, so relax, enjoy your engagement and let sleeping dogs lie.

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I would be pretty annoyed if my gf of 3yrs nagged me to get married... maybe he was waiting for the right time to pop the question...

 

i dont see why you need to force it... if you guys been together for 3yrs and living together moved to another state together... you guys are pretty much married already... minus the paper... and sometimes the paper just brings unwanted pressuare and thats why the marrige will fail...

 

nothing you can do now... just stop pressuring him.. let him come to you on his term and ask question about the wedding..... then you will know that he wants to get married...

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I think what you need to do is share your tale regularly here on ENA for the weekly posts of women trying to figure out how to 'make' their guys propose....

 

Seriously though, you can't undo what you've done. All you can do, is apologize, and work towards NOT behaving that way in the future. Figure out WHY you nagged him, and consider for him how it was to be on the receiving end.

 

And when you feel the compulsion to nag about something else (holiday, house, baby etc.), remember how you feel now, and how lucky you are that he didn't walk.

 

If he says he meant it (and it seems he does) then all you can do is move on, and try to to not repeat it in the future.

 

Congratulations on your engagement.

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Seriously, if your boyfriend wanted so much to make the engagement a surprise; if it was that important to him, he would have proposed before the 3 year mark.

So I would just assume that it wasn't and not worry about it.

 

That said, I would just drop the subject. If he honestly looks like he does want to get married, it will show through. Just stop putting pressure on him.

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I feel your pain and I have a similar story.

 

My partner and I were living together and we'd been together about 2 years and there was no talk of weddings or engagements, and I started up the nagging. It didn't help that my best friend's husband proposed to her when they were only together about 1.5 years. Not that that matters at all, but it did at the time...

 

It caused a lot of fights between us. He said it wasn't a priority for him at that stage, but it was for me, and I just wanted us to be on the same page. He wanted to get a house with me which I should have recognised as probably an even bigger commitment than getting engaged. But I couldn't let the issue go.

 

He finally said let's just go look at rings, and part of the reason he didnt think much about proposing is because he dreaded going and buying a ring with no input from me in case I hated it etc... so we looked at rings and I picked one out.

 

Then I started hinting about when he was going to propose.

 

I basically ruined the whole 'romantic proposal' I had always assumed every girl got. But then again I know my partner and he doesnt do spontaneous or romantic (unfortunately). He proposed 3 years to the day that we first kissed, we were sitting on the verandah and he pulled out the ring and said 'will you marry me', and he knew I knew it was coming and it wasn't a big surprise or anything.

 

I now regret pushing him. I keep telling him we can 'take it back' (which of course we can't because my parents threw us a big party) and he says I'm being stupid and he's happy being engaged, just don't hurry the wedding or the babies. I am now happy not to ever mention the wedding and I am waiting for him to bring it up, even if it takes him an other year or so.

 

I regret pushing him into it...

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I know he loves me, but I fear that since I kept nagging him I will never know if he proposed on his own terms or if this is truly what he wants. ...

 

 

 

...He even said once in front of his parents, "You just couldn't wait for me to give you that ring." (in a snotty tone). It made me feel stupid and desperate.

 

 

 

...I know a lot of you are going to say that I need to figure out why I nag so much and why I wanted so badly to get engaged.

 

On the first part of the quote - I think he certainly did not propose "on his own terms" but I am very sure that this is truly what he wants. So you can have one but not both Lucky for you, you have the important one. You can't drive a proposal and still have it be on his terms. But the important thing is does want to marry you.

 

 

On the second quote - he really shouldnt have said that. It was kind of mean. I hope he regretted saying that.

 

 

On the third quote, not really. It's pretty obvious why you wanted so badly to get engaged! You've been together three years and now live together! You didnt want to act like a married couple and fool your heart into believing you were that committed until that step had actually been taken.

 

Nothing particularly wrong or unusual about that.

 

Now stop stressing about something you cannot change and just enjoy preparing for your wedding and the big day itself - and life after it

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When you nagged him he held his ground, didn't he? That means he's got a backbone and did it his way. Now if you're not careful, you'll look back and regret ruining your engagement with all your regrets about your pre-engagement. Maybe you'll even ruin your wedding day with this stuff? Then you can spend your married life regretting how you ruined your wedding, until your divorce lands you regretting how you ruined your marriage...

 

Point is, you get to decide when you'll quit doing this. Life is too short and you're lucky enough to have something valuable to lose. Quit while you're ahead, and appreciate it--and if you're unable to do that, consider therapy as a wiser investment than the ball room. A wedding day is A Day. If happiness and peace of mind are too elusive for you to grasp, then it's worth doing whatever it takes to find those states BEFORE your wedding. The finest gown in the world can't dress you in happiness.

 

In your corner.

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I got nagged quite a bit before I proposed...

 

a few years into our relationship she started talking about it and I basically told her that I loved her but I wasn't ready yet... she was quite upset (perhaps the most upset I'd ever seen her ever) but at the time it was the truth.

 

A year or two after that we started talking about it again and basically agreed that we would get married but we decided to buy a house together before getting married. (we both needed a place to live and buying a house made way better financial sense than buying a ring/paying for a marriage)

 

Once things settled down I started getting nagged again. Part of the time I think it was because her friends and our family was nagging HER which put her in an awkward position.

 

Once I made my plans (which were months away from when I made them) the next time she nagged me I basically told her "by the end of the year you will have a ring on your finger"...

 

It was the beginning of the year, she didn't need to nag me anymore because she knew I would propose before the end of the year but she had no clue what-so-ever of when or how. I ended up proposing the end of July.

 

-------------

 

I DO know some mend who proposed "just to shut her up" I feel sorry for those people... but I know from my own experience despite the nagging I proposed because I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

 

There's a lot of pressure on men to make the proposal something special... and that can take a lot of planning... I never went ring shopping with my fiancee I just talked to her to find out what she liked/didn't like and I had a ring custom made... that alone took 5 months from the time of order until it came in. Then of course if you're planning a destination it can take months of planning on top of that.

 

Obviously some proposals are more elaborate than others but it can take a good chunk of time to get everything in order... it's even harder when you live with the person because then you have to find time to sneak out to the ring shop and make calls to plan things.

 

Nagging can be frustrating, especially when you've got everything planned out and it's just a matter of waiting.... but I think it's important for men who do have a nagging future fiancee to let them know that ... it will happen, just relax and it will be a surprise....

 

at this point I'd say DONT WORRY ABOUT IT... enjoy your engagement or you'll let your pre-engagement worries ruin your time together.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I found that I started doing the same thing to my boyfriend of five years very recently. And I didn't want to be "that girl" who kept nagging her boyfriend to pop the question. But there I was, doing all those same exact things as you were.

 

Then, a few weeks ago, I realized that I was turning into a bridezilla before I even had the chance to be a bride! I was changing the person I wanted to be. I had to do SOMETHING to take the edge off.

 

So I bought a pair of matching promise rings myself and had them engraved with our names on the inside of them. They were simple, nothing fancy that might show him up later on down the line if he does decide to propose.

 

But then I made him a romantic dinner (so he knew SOMETHING was up, because he's usually the one who cooks! lol) and presented him with the ring. I let him know that it wasn't an engagement ring, but that it was a ring to symbolize that we were partners and that we were in love. I also told him that I wasn't asking him to feel like he had to wear it all the time...that I just wanted to be able to give it to him.

 

He was very touched and DOES wear the ring all the time of his own accord.

 

You obviously have some guilt over what happened, and this is no way to start a married life together. Maybe you CAN patch up those feelings: you feel like you forced your fiancee to give you a ring...have you considered getting an "engagement ring" for him? Maybe take him out somewhere special and do a "redux proposal" of your own? Let him know that it wasn't about the ring at all in the first place, but the symbol of what it meant...and that's a symbol you can share with one another.

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  • 2 months later...

It wasn't because of your nagging the reason he proposed to you. He said it himself that if he didn't wanted to propose he would have never had no matter no much you nagged him. He did because he wanted to. Be happy that he finally did what you wanted to and don't focus on how annoying you were before else he can change his mind and return the wedding ring... Be happy now... Make him happy..

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Stop nagging, OP. Like right now -- you can do it. You can just simply vow to stop in this moment.

 

The poor guy is dammed if he does & dammed if he doesn't.

 

You can seriously harm your relationship if you nag & worry incessantly as a life pattern.

 

He already told you that he didn't ask you because you were nagging but because he wanted to. Is there a reason why can't you let it go?

 

If you are upset with yourself for nagging about a proposal, why keep up an identical behavior that you know upsets you & that you will regret? This should be a happy time & you might very well spoil this one, too if you are to keep the same mind set.

 

I wish you well...

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Why do women get like this? Why is is SO important? I am a nagger, yes I am, and I don't even understand why. All I know is that my guy is fully committed to me, cares deeply for me and he has told me time and time again that he only wants me to be happy. Yet... I just can't silence the engagement-zilla in my head. What is the big deal? Why is this so important??

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  • 11 years later...

Trust me marriage is a huge commitment and no man will do it because your nagging lol.. you may ruined how it was planned in his mind to happen or you may just have him that little push that he needed...some men procrastinate in that area but doesn’t mean they don’t want the same thing... I say bury all the Why’s and Why not’s... And enjoy your wedding planning. Men really can care less about the planning and the money spending they tend to think of it as a waste of money but happy wife happy life so it’s a must do lol 😂... Enjoy 😊 and congratulations 🎊 

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2 hours ago, Tynesha said:

Trust me marriage is a huge commitment and no man will do it because your nagging lol.. you may ruined how it was planned in his mind to happen or you may just have him that little push that he needed...some men procrastinate in that area but doesn’t mean they don’t want the same thing... I say bury all the Why’s and Why not’s... And enjoy your wedding planning. Men really can care less about the planning and the money spending they tend to think of it as a waste of money but happy wife happy life so it’s a must do lol 😂... Enjoy 😊 and congratulations 🎊 

Since this thread is 11 years old I presume the wedding planning is already done 😆

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