Jump to content

LONG. Rambling on Ex. Hurts So Much!


confusedsp

Recommended Posts

SO and I broke up a little over a week ago. The reason for the breakup was that he had feelings for his ex (of 3 years) suddenly resurface. According to him, he himself does not know why but that it hurts him deeply to see her with her new SO (his ex and her new bf has been dating for about 6 months now). With that, we kind of mutually agreed that a breakup was the right path. Deep down, I wanted to just be like I'll stand by you until you figure out what you want, but restrained myself. The relationship will not go anywhere good with that said - or would it have?

 

About half a month before the breakup, I asked him what was wrong and instead of telling me about that, he went off and told me things he was unhappy with the relationship (ex. how I treated him like any of my other friends, etc.). I talked it over with him, and I honestly thought things were getting better - or at least going down that path - that we were going to try to work past this. After that, I felt like our relationship wasn't going very well. However, when he told me he loves me, I felt myself relax a bit. However, in time, his "I Love You"s only came after I said them. One night, he hugged me very tightly and I told he was sorry. Assuming he was talking about him blowing up on me with problems, I hugged him back and told him not to worry about it. Now though, I'm pretty sure he was talking about the feelings for the ex - how naive of me to think everything was so simple.

 

Looking back, I wonder if he's just finding means to get out of the relationship with me. I'm not saying what he's telling me is not true, but that maybe they're not affecting him to the extent he's making it sound - rather just an excuse to get me to break up with him. As much as I'd like to believe otherwise and he says otherwise, I feel that he just lost interest in this relationship and anything to do with me.

 

On a side note, he told me a story about how he told someone else that our relationship was going well, but what was in his head was driving him crazy. This makes me believe that he still has feelings for me, but doesn't know what to make of his feelings for his ex. However, now, I think after some time, he realized that he wants his ex, not me - and that hurts deeply. This is all in my head, so maybe I'm just over-thinking way too much. However, with something like this - We can change what we want, change what is possible, or be unhappy. I want to be happy, and changing what I want makes me unhappy - what can I believe?

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Since we share the same circle of friends, NC was not really an option - or at least I don't want to. I'm currently away from home for school and all my friends from school are not back for school just yet. This leaves me with about a handful of friends (countable with the fingers) of which one is the ex.

 

After the breakup, we agreed we still wanted to be friends. With that said, we literally have seen each other everyday since the breakup. (I believe this number will soon die down to something more healthy). Initially, I thought it might be a good thing, so he can realize he still does want me or something like that. Shortly after, I let it sink in that we were no longer together and just enjoying "friend time" - or so I thought. For the first time, I did not cry myself to sleep.

 

Yesterday, I was back over at his apt with a bunch of friends when I saw him cleaning. Even after we have broken up, I noticed that a picture of us together was still propped up on his desk. But now, it's gone. All the pain that I thought I got over just came rushing back and it continues to hurt very badly. That picture, in a sense, was a final string of hope that we might work out in the future. With that now stored away, it's like a symbol that he has drawn a close to this chapter of his life.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

He knows what he wants and I know what I want, but those two things do not collide. I'm not going to lie to myself - I do still secretly wish things will work out, but I do know/understand that most likely not going to be anytime soon. In the meantime, I honestly do not know how to get my mind off him.

 

I remember him telling me about a pair of his friends that broke up and got back together and are stronger than ever. I'm wishing that's us right now, but I think he's praying that that's him and his ex - or is he?

 

I don't know what to think - part of me is just rotting inside wanting him and wishing he'll come back while the other half is realizing he's gone and it hurts soo badly. Like many would say, it's time to move on - but it's so much easier said than done. I told myself that I'm going to try not initiating contact - I don't think I can fully NC him. These past few days, I've been sending him random IMs just checking up on his daily doings. It's time for those to stop. If he wants something to do with me, he'll come and we shall continue being friends in the larger setting. I'm aiming towards this, I hope all goes well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I will be honest with you. It sounds like he doesnt know what the heck he wants. It does sound like a poor excuse to end a relationship...that he still sort of cares for someone he went out with three years ago? absoloutle cop out...then changing his mind that really its b ecause you treated him like a friend.

 

You have done all you can. You have been a good partner, a friend, you have put up with his excuses.

 

He is keeping you hanging and playing the field at the same time. He knows he can go back to you. Dont let him have that. Go no contact and try and move on.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So sorry to hear you are going through this, and wow, how well you are handling yourself about it. The ex thing may be a smokescreen, but realistically even if he has feelings for her he must know he is not going to get her back if she has been with someone else for 6 months and moved on. It may have made him review his feelings overall.

 

I've been there with a guy who only says 'I love you too' and 'I miss you too ' when you say it. Not good signs. Also with the picture - my ex told me afterwards he'd put it away as it 'hurt too much' which really shocked me (we're back together by the way) as I would never have guessed. But then there was no one else for him.

 

I have a feeling he may need some time to get this out of his system (if he is still interested in his ex, this is basically just a fantasy, but he may need some 'self indulgence' time). However, he is not being very fair or honest with you and this matters. He has hurt you and you are doing the right thing for yourself (to heal) by thinking about NC. I know how difficult that is, but it was HIM who decided to break up, so maybe you could even hasten the process (if it will happen) of him realising that with you he had the real deal and his ex is just fantasy. OR it had run its course for him and there's nothing you can do about it.

 

Either way, you have to take the route that will be easier for you and only you can decide. *hug*

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't believe that he's keeping you hanging, you're doing that to yourself. I'm sorry this happened to you, but you need to disappear from him, and end all contact completely.

 

If there's any chance at all of this relationship working, it's not going to happen while you're right there in front of him all the time. Why not go "NC" to heal and clear your mind...Do it for you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you don't mind me asking, how long have you guys dated? Was it immediately after he broke up with his ex?

 

Chances are, if that was the case, he never really had a chance to clear his mind about his ex before jumping into another relationship. This break could be beneficial to both of you because I'm sure you wouldn't want to be with this guy should his feelings for his ex keeps getting unresolved. At least he was honest with you and told you his inner conflicts. Once that gets resolved, his next relationship would be much more stable--and who knows, it could be with you. Either way, it's better to just leave him alone and let him figure this stuff out without anybody's influence.

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting, and I can only imagine how hurt I'd be if it happened to me. All we can do now is to find small things in life to give us temporary happiness before we find the real deal =) Feel better~

Link to comment
Share on other sites

i meant they were together for 3 years, not it ended 3 yrs ago.

 

I thank you all for your insights. It feels good to know that I'm going down the right path. NC may work, but at the same time, that may mean leaving my friends as well. That's why I'm thinking about just not initiating contact, but not NC-ing all together. Do you think that'll work - maybe not to the extent of NC but it's better than crawling back to him?

 

Yes, from this moment, I'm going to give him his space to realize what he wants and keep my distance to start the healing process. It's time for me to put away his pictures and gifts. If he comes around, I'll decide then if this relationship is something I want to do. (Easier said than done, but I agree, he won't realize with me running in front of him 24/7). Any suggestions as to how I can go about getting over this? My friends are all away and the only ones I have here are friends that I hang out in a group with the ex.

 

We started officially dating today months ago, and it's time to let go today.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We started dating about 4 months afterwards. But I admit something sparked shortly after his breakup. According to the two of them, they had the epitome of the perfect breakup such that they both fully mutually agreed that it's over; that there were no loose ends.

 

Believe it or not, we've actually talked about rebounds and the potential of me being one. He told me about how he talked to his friend about what truly constitutes rebounding and they came to the definition that you're using the new relationship to get over/back at the ex and he felt that's not what this is. When the relationship first began, I was really reserved and chose to not say I Love You back just so I can't hear my feelings for him exposed. In time, I truly believed this was real and let it all go; hence, why everything hurts so much right now - the fact that one of my greatest fear for the relationship has actually come true.

 

I do agree with you and hence why I know this breakup is the right thing to do. That's the rational thing to do; however, my feelings are telling me otherwise. I just need to somehow let go of the idea of the potential us in the future; I feel that without doing that, I'm still hanging onto this relationship with my dear life. I do realize that even if we get back together, he and I won't be the same and the relationship will be different - for better or for worse. I just don't know how to put closure to this relationship.

 

Again, thank you all for your input! You have no idea how much I appreciate this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

*sigh* I ask myself the same question.

 

I think the truth is, if they broke up with us, then they should want to get back with us. So I would have to say perhaps it's better for you not to attempt to do so. I do suggest that when you think you can handle it, you can re-establish some connection so that the option is there at least. I don't believe in the whole "if he wants you, he'll call you" thing because if it has been an especially long time, a lot of other things can get in the way like pride, embarrassment, etc. Heal first, think logically (which probably won't happen for a while) and then make your decision as to what to do later. Going into contact too early may delay healing--speaking from experience here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...