I feel useless.

[Fan]

right now I feel totally useless,

 

About a 3 weeks ago I ended up splitting up with my gf out of my choice, I thought I wanted to be free but like * * * * I did.

 

I still can't sleep with anyone else I had two chances so far and I have two dates lined up next week but I don't think I'll even go.

 

Anyways I met up with her on the 27th (after asking to see her for ages) and we went for a drive, She told me she don't want to get hurt again and slept with someone else 3 days ago! And is already seeing this guy she slept with! This is when my heart dropped.

The funny thing she would always tell me she wernt like that and would never sleep with someone so quick? So im guessing shes on a rebound?

 

She tells me she loves me but can't go back to what we had!

 

We did hug and eskmo kiss.

I love her so much and I know I made a mistake in breaking up with her. I know deep down she just don't want to get hurt again but I think she still loves me.

 

On the 28th thought maybe I would be able to see her again! So I thought sod it I ended up spending around £100 on somethings to give to her as her birthday was coming up soon and just to surprise her, I always thought she was materialistic so I had it all planned out, I went to her work to take her home as she normally gets the bus 10 minutes later shes still not out so I ring her friend but her friend told me she was gone (truth is I still think she was still at work) so I said ill just drop them over to her house and go anyways I was warned not to go because this Oli guy was going over.

 

So I ended up going home, she texted me later than night saying I don't know why you came to my work. I told you to leave me alone, don't spend your money on me I'm not worth it.

 

She never told me to leave her alone till that text she wanted to be friends on the day before. So now I feel like a creep. I texted her back saying why I went there and how I'll remove myself from her life. I cant believe she made me such a creep, its funny she says she cares/love me but now I know deep down she don't I said this in the text back. I never heard anything back.

 

Today I'm feeling so crap I even looked at my phone to text her but good thing is I don't have her number as I deleted it, So I try and text other people when I can't text her! I still can't help thinking she said she felt like she was in limbo when I met up with her.... Or come back to me in a few months if you feel the same.

 

Maybe it was the weekend which has put me back into this deep depression? I tend to find Sundays are the worst days. I have not really been able to face food since saturday night,I been keeping myself going on sugary drinks.

[Pixiedoc]

OK, she says she loves you but can't go back on what you had? What was it about that which she didnt want?

 

If you're prepared to work on it/change it you need to speak to her and tell her exactly that, and what you've told us here.

 

Next: she said she 'doesn't deserve you' - why? Does she have self esteem issues? Is there something in her past which has affected her? If this is the case, she may have slept with someone to boost her self esteem (never a good idea but she may genuinely think she doesn't deserve you so there again you have some work to do).

 

You went to her work and were going to give her a present but have you actually told her how you feel, you regret ending it and love her? Again, communication - if she doesn't know these things she will be feeling very confused. Tell her mate, then she (and you) can make a decision on where to go from here. Good luck and let us know how you go on.

[Fan]

Thanks for the reply.

 

The thing is she told me to leave her alone? Do I take that as she means it?

I was thinking about contacting her Thursday but I'm not sure if it will go down to well, and not sure what to say?? I cried to her face on the 27th and said I wanted to be with her this is when she said im in limbo.

I told her I miss her enough times already.

 

I sent her flowers with a card saying some sappy things this was on the 28th the leave me alone comment was on the 29th my mistake. I got £40 worth of flowers and a card expressing my emotions, rang the door bell and walked off for her to find them on her doorstep. She did text me shortly after... Oh my god Tommy.. I don't know what to say I really dont. You know I love you and I care alot about you, I need sometime to myself I really don't know what to think.

[Ms Darcy]

To be honest with you, and I think you need honesty right now, I wouldn't get back with you if I were her. Breaking up with someone is like breaking a contract that you will commit to a relationship with the other person. Of course she's confused; she must struggle between her feelings for you and the reality that the person she loves broke her heart.

 

Not only this, but I don't get the sense that you particularly respect her. You call her materialistic and you seem to judge her for her sexual activity after you dumped her, which is none of your business. And I'm not surprised at her self-esteem issues. Being dumped can challenge your sense of self esteem, especially in the beginning, and she probably needs some time to recalibrate and heal.

 

Even your reasons for breakup seem pretty immature to me. You left because you wanted to be free but the second you did it, you ran back to her. I've seen this before and it's entirely possible that your supposed rediscovered love is neediness and separation anxiety.

 

I just say respect her and listen to what she says. She doesn't want to be hurt, she needs time to think. Give her time and stay out of her life for a while so she can figure things out. That will give you a chance to figure things out as well.

[Fan]

Thanks for the honesty, To be honest I do love her, I'm not judging her I have not had ago at her because I know its all my fault. I need to prove to her I have changed.

 

It was a immature reason to break up with the love of my life but I went through a funny stage, a cancer scare which made me think only of myself pushing her away.

 

I tried as hard as I could not to judge her for going off with someone else but I'm trying, I know it's my fault for everything to happen and calling her materialistic is something we both knew that was true now and again I loved her for it sorry to come accross the wrong way.

 

I'm heartbroken we all make stupid mistakes and I have to admit I made a massive one! I had a holiday coming up but I can't bare to face it so I just cancelled that losing about £450, I cried most days since not being with her, I can't look at no one else, I'm to stressed to even work, I feel sick to my stomach every day, but I just wish I knew there was something I could do.

[quirky]

I don't really know what to say here fan cos my boyfriend has been my big love so far but I'm finding it hard to be with him because of trust issues (not cheating). Trust is the hardest thing to repair.

 

I think if you have any chance is by letting this cool down a bit. She finds it hard to relax with you because you broke up with her. She doesn't trust your actions - she said you are in limbo - and she's afraid to believe you. Or she's just gonna forget about you.

 

If you have faith in what you had give it a bit of time, see if she misses you.

You need to become more confident to get her attention, to appear strong, with a plan so she might trust you again. That's why you have to focus on yourself because you'll achieve smth good whether she comes back or not.

[Fan]

quirky girl, the thing I wont see my ex as we had a different group of friends, So I can't act confident towards her or act strong with out asking to meet up?

So far its been 4 days NC and to be honest it feels like a life time, I'm not sure when I should contact her again as I know she will most likely not contact me as I'm the one who has to try and repair this relationship.

[quirky]

fan, I feel for you..

 

i know nc hurts like hell, the only thing that can get you through it is that being strong is your only option.

I was suggesting you work on yourself, your thoughts and you contact her a bit later. Even if you got back together now I think it's too soon, if she's the one she'll always be the one, right?

You are likely in panic mode now and I understand, I honestly found NC herrendous, I was crying every day....but I did gain some clarity and so did my boyfriend.

 

You are a different couple so I can't be absolute about my suggestions but I know for me, if my boyfriend made grandiose love gestures after we split up and MAINTAINED it then I'd happily be back with him. Because NC gives you that perspective and DOES make you stronger, makes you miss the good things.

 

What do you think?

[Fan]

You are right I am in panic mode at the moment! I like how you put "if shes the right one she will always be the right one" I suppose fate would bring us together again but then does fate need a helping hand sometimes before its to late?

 

NC gives a great view of the perspective on our relationship I'm hoping she can see this. I am worried about doing NC for more than a week incase she starts to think I didn't really care? Would you say I should maintain my love gestures each week or so? Even though she said "I don't know why you came to my work. I told you to leave me alone, don't spend your money on me I'm not worth it."

[quirky]

her saying "I'm not worth it" could mean she feels bad about sleeping with the other guy, or that she's decided to move on, or she's hoping you say "you're so worth it", depends on her self esteem and how dramatic she is as a person.

 

I know you are afraid, but nothing progressive comes from fear. Are you that certain that you made a mistake or is it just the panic? Heightened emotions really cloud our judjement..

Can you try and think what made you split up, be honest with yourself, are you quite young by the way? and were you dating long?

 

I'd still suggest you try not to panic, just think of the next half hour not too far ahead and look after yourself.

[Fan]

Her saying "I'm not worth it" was most likely because she was sleeping with the other guy and I was just confusing/getting in her way more... Well that would be my guess.

 

I'm 21, she is only 18, I'm 100% certain I have made a mistake and it's not the fear of being alone or the panic, I know I'm scared but I feel like she was the right one deepdown. I have had 2 other long term relationships one lasting 3 years and the other lasting 1 year but have never felt this way before.

 

I'm just sitting here twiddling my thumbs thinking what do shall I do?

 

Do I try and do a few more romantic things?

Ask her to meet up as friends?

Keep NC up?

Or ask her in a text if we will never get back together to take me out of limbo?

 

I'll try not to panic or be afraid, but I suppose actions speak louder than words.

[dhjjessel]

be clear that you feel you made a mistake and that your door is open to her, then go NC

[Ms Darcy]

Thank you for reading my reply. I know it sounded harsh, but I thought you might need to introspect a little to see exactly where your ex might be coming from. As another poster said, breaking up with someone is breaking trust pure and simple. As such, you need to adhere to her wishes. If you don't, you'll ruin your chances of a lasting reconciliation.

 

She's asked for tmie and space, so leave her be. YOU put yourself in limbo here, not her. Remember that. I know how easily people who want to get back together lose their patience with the other person. If you want back with this woman, you might have to wait a long long time. That's what rebuilding trust is all about.

[Fan]

Thank you for reading my reply. I know it sounded harsh, but I thought you might need to introspect a little to see exactly where your ex might be coming from. As another poster said, breaking up with someone is breaking trust pure and simple. As such, you need to adhere to her wishes. If you don't, you'll ruin your chances of a lasting reconciliation.

 

She's asked for tmie and space, so leave her be. YOU put yourself in limbo here, not her. Remember that. I know how easily people who want to get back together lose their patience with the other person. If you want back with this woman, you might have to wait a long long time. That's what rebuilding trust is all about.

 

Its okay, if I respect her wishes to leave her alone? what if she never ment it as the day before she wanted to be friends? Also if I do NC wont she think I have forgotten about her and never really cared?

[Ms Darcy]

Its okay, if I respect her wishes to leave her alone? what if she never ment it as the day before she wanted to be friends? Also if I do NC wont she think I have forgotten about her and never really cared?

 

I'm a big believer in letting experience be your teacher. I think you'll learn soon enough that focusing all your energy on getting her back versus healing is only going to hurt you more. I'm suggesting that you heal yourself and respect her stated wishes to leave her be. Anything else you do is up to you.

[RachelNY]

Why would you be trying to sleep with people after you've only been broken up for three weeks? That in itself worries me about YOU.

[Fan]

Why would you be trying to sleep with people after you've only been broken up for three weeks? That in itself worries me about YOU.

 

I have not been trying to sleep with people, I had been offered the chance to.

I couldn't sleep with anyone else at this moment in time. I'm, just saying people have approached me but I only want her.

[Fan]

I just sent her a email after going 5 days NC. I wish I had more will power.

[Pixiedoc]

What did you say in the email?

[Fan]

What did you say in the email?

 

I wernt sure if I should post this on a forum, but as you asked and everyone seems so great here and helped me out a tonso far! here it is

 

 

S,

 

I hope you are okay, not a day goes past without kicking myself for what has happened.

I miss you as a friend as a lover as someone to care for.

 

I became selfish at the end my mind was cluttered I didn't know what I wanted I was scared as I was getting to close to you and loving you more and more each day but slowly pulling myself away you might think this was an immature way for me to act and I know It was no excuse for what I did to you. I'm pleased you have found someone else and are happy.

 

Since having no contact with you it gave me a perspective and has made me a stronger person. It has made me know what I want in life there are so many things I would of changed between me and you for example giving you that attention which you always craved for and knowing how much I really did love you, I could tell you till im blue in the face "I would never hurt you again. As I've never been more sure of anything in my life" but I know no matter how many times I say this to you, it wont prove anything to you, all I can ask for is your hand in friendship deep down I will want more but I know I got alot of making upto do and I don't expect you to take me back, I want to prove to you, how much you mean to me.

I have cancelled my holiday now but I'm planning to take a trip to somewhere else on my own instead.

 

I was always a strong believer in fate like someone told me if she's the one she'll always be the one.

 

Please don't feel guility or sad for me at all this was my fault and not yours.

 

T

[Fan]

Well I just got a reply to my email, I have not going to do any response till I can see some of your views on it? To be honest I don't know what to make out of it. Some people might think I'm strange putting personal deep message on this forum but to be honest I need guidance right now. Thanks everyone so far!

 

T

 

You're so silly for canceling ur holiday, you would have had a wicked time and it was a good chance for you to forget about me!

I really would love to be friends with you as it's not easy not having you in my life.. we spent so much time together and after all you were my first love and you're still really special to me u always will be.

 

I do think tho that everything happens for a reason ( not to sure what this reason is yet) but im sure in the long run we will both be happier and stronger people.. i dont want you to feel like you have anything to prove to me because i know you're a really nice person and you got so many good qualities, you dont have any making up to do either because whats done is done, So lets just try and forget about it and move on I hope you still want to be my friend x.x.x

[Pixiedoc]

Hmm, I think you might have shot yourself in the foot, but only a little. Your email was heartfelt but still made it sound like you are ready to let go and you are 'pleased' she is with someone else......but you're not.

 

If you'd just said 'I'm sorry, I love you and want you back' like DN suggested you MAY have had a different answer. But you didn't (no point regretting it anyway) and she has definitely now given you the 'it's over' email. She wants you to move on, she has moved on and she has trotted out the 'let's be friends' line as well. I'm afraid there is no going back now as far as she's concerned.

 

I think you do have to move on and maybe take that trip you talk about. Hopefully you can use all the things you've learned to work on yourself and hopefully eventually a new partner who will value you. Take care.

[Fan]

Well thanks for that, I sorted of said in my second E-mail how I want her back.... after you saying I may of shot myself in my foot.

 

Of course I want to be your friend, it might be strange at first, but I reckon we could do it?

....is that really what you want though?? The last time I spoke to you you said you were in limbo? Are you still there? Do you want me back? Or not?

Am I clutching on to straws here? I know you said you were confused, but is that 1) because you still love me but think I'll hurt you again? 2) you never actually love me that much? Or 3) are you really loved up with this new guy?

If you don't want me you have to tell me because you know I'm completely in love with you ...and if you don't want me you need to tell me as I feel like I'm having a nightmare at the moment. I'm driving myself mad. Please just tell me exactly what's going on in your head cos I HAVE to know.

I just need to know because I can't move on at the moment. If you don't want me I need some sort of closure...

...just know this...if you decide you want me back, I'll do everything I can to make you the happiest girl on the planet. I've never felt like this before. I miss you so much x

[Fan]

I got got a reply.

 

I just want to be friends with you T, I think we'll get on better as freinds and we can both experience more of our lives that way too.

 

I hope your ok with this because I have been really worried about you.

 

I know it might take a little bit of time and it might be really weird to start off with but im sure we'll be fine x.x.x

 

 

So I just replied with:

 

You never answered the question, we have never been friends sophie so you can't say that we will be better off as friends? I want to experience my life with you, I'm not sure why you don't want nothing more with me anymore, Like I said I need closure.

 

I find it weird how someone could love me so much and care for me and not want me back thats why I put down the 3 reasons I could think of.

 

I spoke to alot of people lately and they think the whole situation is strange, you moved on so quickly fair enough there is such things as rebounds I'm not judging you please don't take it this way.

 

You say you want to experience more of your life but you're in a new relationship already?

Would you be happy me moving on with a new girl if you just want to be friends could you bare that?

 

Maybe you will end up being with him along time, you always wanted me to be someone else like this hardman which I never was maybe you found what you was looking for and realized that you never really did love me?

 

I did give you three options as stated above explain to me whats going in your head as you have not explained, you said to me if you feel like this in 6 months come back to me then, was this just to make me feel better as its just making me hang on hoping?

 

I don't want bull * * * * just because you don't want to hurt me, don't say you was worried about me if you was you would of contacted me, im sorry to say. If you did love me you would think lets give this a try the most rewarding things in life is when we take risk.

I know alot of trust has gone for you but you just have to look into your heart and ask yourself what do you really want and tell me honestly, just be straight with me please. x

[Fan]

I started this thread last week and I'm trying to realise that there is no going back.

 

The quicker I understand this the quicker I'll be able to move on with out holding out for hope... I'm trying to tell myself to move on with life and just leave it as a memory as much as it hurts to do so and makes me feel sick, but we all learn from out mistake. We have exchanged two more emails but I don't think anyone is bothered about reading them.

 

I have gone to the doctors about medication to keep me going, some people will think this is a wrong route to go down but im finding it pretty hard to cope. Good news is I have taken up swimming 4 times a week hopefully they will keep me busy in the evenings.