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Sex with the ex: The aftermath


chosenONE
Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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I am 21 and my ex-gf is 19. I'm not sure, but I may have a bit of a problem. On April 30, 2009, I broke up with my GF after 5 years after finding out she was communicating with another guy over myspace and on the phone. Instead of reconciling with me, she elected to instead go out with the guy and forget about me. Since then, they are together and ARE a couple. The problem is, he lives in another state and we live in Hawaii. I can safely say I have been through hell and back with the whole break-up and moving on...and I am a lot better since Day 1. I've taken all the advice from the forums and used it with success. NC ever since the break-up. Now arises a possible problem...

 

Yesterday. May 31, 2009, I receive a text from her saying how her mom would like me to come over. I immediately thought of it as so I simply asked why. She says her mom really missed me and would like to "catch-up". At this point, I am going back and forth in my mind. If I went, what would my purpose be? I figured I'd go anyway, because after one month of NC, I just wanted to see what's up. Well here's what happened:

 

I get there and she's showing me the puppy I got for her 2 months before we broke up (really missed him). We engage in small talk and she asks me if I would like to go for a walk. The conversation was like a roller-coaster It started from, "how've you been" to her pouring her heart out to me and saying how she really felt about our relationship. Apparently, she still cared so much about me. She cried and reminisced about old times. She's telling me now how unhappy she is with her new long-distance relationship. She cries and tells me that I am husband-material I'm there listening, making sure not to fold. I needed to show her how strong I've become. And I think she noticed it. She asked me if I am with someone; and I say no. And we talk for about an hour as the conversation lead to sex.

 

For my ex-gf, I had been her first. She told me how having sex with me was special and although she was with someone, she thought having sex with me would be fine. She says she often thinks of me in that manner and misses the great sex we had. She also mentioned how it would be strictly sex with no expectations. Being the guy I am, how could I deny? Although, I admit I'm still hurt, it's worth a try right? At first, I didn't bite. I thought doing this would bring me all the way back to square one. After much flirting, we ended up in her room and doing the deed. Boy, it was really spectacular. Almost like an ode to myself. She's there calling me names like we are a couple. Unfortunately, the good things stop here.

 

We converse and it leads to her asking how many partners I've had since we broke-up. I told her none. Knowing about her relationship with her current boyfriend, I assumed she had sex with him already. I was right. That didn't hit me that hard. What hit me hard was that she told me she had sex with her friend's friend to "pass the time". And chuckled. She said it so causally. I was SHOCKED! Let me tell you this; She was a very "good" girl, that would never have sex with just anyone. She had morals and values which was what made me stay with her for so long. I was in utter shock. She definitely changed. She even noticed the look on my face when I heard about it. I was bothered by this.

 

She proceeded to behave like she used to. She didn't want me to leave, she wanted to spend time. I didn't want mixed signals. I told her I had to run, and I'd maybe talk to her later (I really didn't want to).

 

I'm a little confused now. I genuinely know that I don't want to be with her. I know that I have to stop loving her. Why am I bothered that she's sleeping with other guys? What am I guilty of here? I try to put it in a "just sex" perspective, but it doesn't last long. It still hurts. And knowing how far she fell from how she used to be, hurts too. Overall, I just feel very STRANGE. I love my life how it is now, single and free. I don't know why I feel like this now. Perhaps, this too will pass?

 

ENA, please help. Does anyone know how I feel ](*,)? Sorry for the long post. Thanks a lot everyone.

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wow... I feel really sad for you. you remind me a lot of my own bf, and it would break my heart if I put him in your position. it's just... so sad. she seems self-centered. you seem like a great guy.

 

don't do anything that makes you uncomfortable, no matter how much you loved her. yes, you still care about her, but she is not thinking about you at all. she just wants attention and to feel special. she cheated on you emotionally, and now she is using you to cheat on her new boyfriend??

 

do what makes you comfortable. if your heart can separate sex and love, then go ahead. but if you're unable to at this point with this girl, be careful of getting hurt...

 

good luck.

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after 5 years, you still care about her as a person, and it probably hurts you to see her going down a "not so good" path. This actually happened to me last year. girlfriend left, slept with another guy, blah blah blah. It bothered me. Tell her that you are concerned, but i wouldn't advise having a friends with benefits relationship with her, as you will probably be hurt if she decided to sleep with someone else.

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I have to agree that it looks like she is playing you. She needed an itch scratched and you were available.

 

If I were you I would steer clear of her. Not only did she cheat on you to go with her new guy she is now cheating on him.

 

I doubt that it is true that she was once a better person.

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I know, it sure sounds like it. That's why the stops here. I felt like I was in control of the situation, up until I heard the shocker. I know I deserve better.

 

well, i hope you steer clear of her from now on. find someone better

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I have to agree that it looks like she is playing you. She needed an itch scratched and you were available.

 

If I were you I would steer clear of her. Not only did she cheat on you to go with her new guy she is now cheating on him.

 

I doubt that it is true that she was once a better person.

This is why it is messed up. Who knows if she is even telling me the truth about...ANYTHING?

 

sounds like your getting played... give her a dose of her own medicene.. be numb to her actions and just enjoy the sex....

I did that to her yesterday. After it happened she wanted to cuddle and all that, but I knew it would lead further into the "trap". I put on my clothes and told her I had to meet-up with a few friends. She literally pulled me and begged me to stay. I just said bye and left. I felt so strange after...

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dont lower yourself to 'trash' level.

with respect to bmw, that was a terrible and silly idea. what can you really accomplish by that?

Just walk one way and let her walk the opposite.

dont get jaded, dont play games, and dont spite her. Just leave.

and never look back.

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dont lower yourself to 'trash' level.

with respect to bmw, that was a terrible and silly idea. what can you really accomplish by that?

Just walk one way and let her walk the opposite.

dont get jaded, dont play games, and dont spite her. Just leave.

and never look back.

 

 

Its a terrieble idea because youre a girl.... of course its not a good idea, and its not something i do ... but she is def taking advantge of him.. and she is young and plays these games...

 

i feel if we all get a little bit of our own medicence when we are still learning how to handle rel, we wouldnt do it anymore....

 

if she gets away with using him, she will just think its normal and carry into her next rel... and the cycle of weird rel contunies...

 

if she knows what its like to get used and feel hurt, she more then likely do it anymore...

 

we all need to get stang by a bee, not to play with bees anymore....

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After reading the first 2 paragraphs of your post, I could have finished typing the rest of it for you.

 

No offense, but I think you knew from the start that this was just going to end up being a booty call. Also, I'm sure that you knew what "NC" was all about, and that unless she clearly stated that she wanted to get back together, you should have walked away.

 

I think you only set yourself back to square one. Hopefully you'll go back to "NC" for the right reason.

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Its a terrieble idea because youre a girl.... of course its not a good idea, and its not something i do ... but she is def taking advantge of him.. and she is young and plays these games...

 

i feel if we all get a little bit of our own medicence when we are still learning how to handle rel, we wouldnt do it anymore....

 

if she gets away with using him, she will just think its normal and carry into her next rel... and the cycle of weird rel contunies...

 

if she knows what its like to get used and feel hurt, she more then likely do it anymore...

 

we all need to get stang by a bee, not to play with bees anymore....

 

its a terrible idea because (are you ready for this??) once upon a time i did this!

not only is emotional 'user' sex crappy and unfufilling it hampers your time and effort on finding a worthwhile mate, and it depreciates your charachter.

she isnt doing this to get hurt, she's moved on and is using him. You arent going to break her heart by entertaining her wants. and really this whole situation is burnt out and dead. only a highschooler would still around and 'poke the dead thing'

its the grown ups that say "why bother?" and go on to do better things with their time.

 

he walks away and is the better man for it.

she will most likely continue to shell herself out for empty sex and then someone else will burn her for it, but it doesnt have to be the OP. let some other idiot do the dirty work.

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he is better off to cut all contact. stop being her booty call.

(i hated losing my booty calls, that in itself helped me get out of using guys)

so perhaps that can be her 'sting'...

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Listen... people change, and it can happen in a split second, some for the better, some for the worst.

 

This can be the most devistating thing to come to find out. It hurts more than anything, when your g/f (or ex in this situation) changes from the person you thought she was to the person she really is, at that stage in life.

 

You seem like a really good guy, and im sorry your going through pain. But it is normal.

 

It was tough for me to find out that my ex had a b/f she is absolutely in love with. Because we were highschool sweethearts and i was her first as well. Then things changed. And it broke my heart.

 

Just do your own thing for now, definitely let this girl go. Your 21 and learning to become a young man. Im 21 as well, and this is the time for me to grow up and mature and start my life the way god laid it out for me. Dont let this girl ruin the days to come, you have a long road ahead of you. stay up.

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Thanks everyone for your responses. I am in a state of regret. I was just wondering, how do I go about NC now? Just don't answer her calls/texts? I know I truly messed up. Even if I felt good for a few moments, it doesn't compare to the way I feel now. It's like, it's not that I miss her...I just HATE what she has become. Totally out of control.

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I don't think you should tell her nothing and go NC, Tell her that you think what happened was a mistake because she has a boyfriend and that you think it better to go no contact and hope she will respect that and not try to contact you.

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Also, would it be right to tell her current SO about what's going on? It's not that I like the guy...but who deserves more of her pain? Or should I just say screw it and let her deal with it? I am so lost right now. She is such a devil and she deserves to suffer.

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Also, would it be right to tell her current SO about what's going on? It's not that I like the guy...but who deserves more of her pain? Or should I just say screw it and let her deal with it? I am so lost right now. She is such a devil and she deserves to suffer.

No - don't tell him. Not appropriate for you to do that.

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After reading the first 2 paragraphs of your post, I could have finished typing the rest of it for you.

 

No offense, but I think you knew from the start that this was just going to end up being a booty call. Also, I'm sure that you knew what "NC" was all about, and that unless she clearly stated that she wanted to get back together, you should have walked away.

 

I think you only set yourself back to square one. Hopefully you'll go back to "NC" for the right reason.

I know. I should've seen this coming. I let my desires get the best of me. I just try to think of it this way. She is now a hoe that's good for just one thing. I have no intentions of ever having her in my life for a lot of reasons. At least I got to see what she has really become. I need to be strong.

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*update*

Just got a text from her asking me to come over again! I don't want to. Can someone tell me what they would say in response? I know what I WOULD say, just thought I could get other ideas. To give me an idea of the right thing to say/not say...Thanks

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