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I'm needy. Advice?


jhinnako

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I know what I'm like. I'm needy. When I like someone and I think it's going well--I'm excited about it. Hearing from that person or talking to them, becomes the highlight of my day. I get attached to people pretty early on, after a few dates, and I require a lot of contact with them to continue assuring myself that they're interested--that they like me, and that things are going well. This, I think, comes from being ditched a few times. But I'm probably getting ditched because I'm needy, it's become a cycle. Intially, they contact me a lot--I don't really contact them because it takes me awhile to start to really like someone. Then, I get use to all the attention and start to like them back, therefore contacting them more. Then their contact slows down, which makes me panic--wonder what's up-- and continue to contact them more, even though they've obviously backed off. It never ends well.

 

I know this isn't attractive. Ideally, I want to talk to this person daily. I'll start making myself completely available, on the off chance that they *do* want to talk to me. So if a few days go by and I don't hear from them, I go into panic mode. Give me long enough--like two days with no word(which is silly), I'll contact them, usually about something random or dumb, I'll get a half-hearted response and regret it afterwards.

 

I need advice on how to detach myself from this a bit, at least early on. To not be so focused and sensitive to every little action and to remain collected and to stop panicking, which makes me do/say stupid things. I want to convince myself that it's *fine* if I don't talk to them daily--that it's not cause for concern after a few days. Help me...I'm ruining things.

 

I know you'll probably suggest keeping busy, doing things with friends. The problem is--I don't have a lot of friends, at least not close ones. I recently moved to this area.

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A new love interest can spark a hormonal rush and irrational actions that just give off negative signals The big thing is to be aware of the desperation that wreaks negative vibes to the object of your desire.

Be aware and then back off..remember that while they are your number one thought that you stifle the other person by acting in that fashion. You lose sex appeal as a result. Just realise that by now that you are in ok and be confortable with it. Also realise that you may also be setting yourself up to be hurt by bad partners as you will be oblivious to who they really are because your in overdrive.

It is an addiction as mentioned above.

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You are another "me"...that's how I feel when reading you describing yourself. I also wonder a lot how to better myself on that!

I guess I need to shift my desire for something else, e.g. a better job, a master degree, enough money for a big travelling, a healthier body... something desirable enough to help me to avoid depending on someone too much.

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Im just like you - super needy as well.

 

The way I have worked on this, is to realize that someone elses behavior isnt a direct reflection on me, or the status of the relationship. That I needed to be more secure and independent, and that not hearing from a guy for half a day didn't mean he wasnt interested or into me.

 

In the short term - make sure your other tanks are full. Then you wont spend so much time feeling needy, as you will be busy with other things!

 

Its a process.

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I tend to concentrate on things that will benefit me and that I have control over. I can't control my bf, so I basically don't fixate on him much. We see each other every day now, but the first three years we were dating, we only saw each other two or three times a week. That is what attracted him to me, I didn't cling to him. I was going to school and very focused on that and my career. He always laughs and tells me that while most women dream of a wedding gown, I dream of a cap and gown. It's true. Have your own thing going on and men fall right into your hands.

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Definitely work on getting friends and on your own interests.

 

Also, try to date multiple people at the same time to avoid getting too attached to just one.

 

 

Im in the same spot as you with my bf so I totally understand how you feel. I have had to have constant reassurance from friends and my bf that his lack of communication isn't because of me and dont take it personally. Read my current post and you'll see the reasons why. But recently I learned that if I keep myself busy, going out with friends, working on projects that need to be done around the house, spending time with my family, etc helped take my mind off of wanting to contact him all the time!! So I'm just learning to back down a bit and realize he has a life and is busy too, we don't need to spend 24/7 together!

 

However, I must disagree with Ms. Darcy's statement about dating mulitiple people at once. I don't think thats right especially if one of them finds out somehow they would be crushed and think your a player and I don't think you want that!!

 

Just do what the rest have stated and what I told you from my personal experience. Just find something your interested in doing on your own and do it so it helps keep your mind off of it. Take things slowly with the person your interested in, nothing worth pursing is worth rushing!!!

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