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There...may be no hope for me in the future


Mguy92

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I've been thinking an awful lot about my future lately...

 

I'm currently 16, never been in a relationship, never been kissed by a girl, never kissed a girl, and so on and so forth. I'm painfully shy, and just can't bring myself to communicate with the opposite sex. I see myself living alone in an apartment, never having been in a relationship. I just can't see it happening. If things keep going the way they are, I see myself doomed to a life of loneliness and solitude. Girls just really haven't shown an interest in me, and I guess I don't blame them. For the most part, I blame their immaturity, since at my age, they will go after the wrong type of guys. (IE: Bad boys, jerks, etc) I don't know if this remains true after the teenage years, but if it does well...I'm * * * * ed. Because of this, I don't feel ready for a relationship, and question if I ever will be, but I know I want at least one during some period of my live.

 

I guess I'm worried about dying a virgin as well. I wouldn't like to hire someone to get rid of my virginity in the future, but if it comes to that point, so be it. I feel so hopeless, bleak future ahead of me...it's a shame. I would like to think I make the right decisions in life, don't get involved with drugs and alcohol, try to keep in shape, etc. Are some people not meant to find love, and does anyone else feel this way? I know I can never be outgoing and extroverted; that's against my nature. No way can I change myself for anyone or anything. I am who I am, but who I am, may be obstructing my ability to find love in the future. Damnit...

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You're very young. I understand your worries, but you're at this age where you're still doing a lot of growing, and there is a lot of time for you to have your first hug, kiss, relationship. A lot of people don't experience it until later on, and there is nothing strange or negative about the fact that you haven't done these things yet. There is still time! You're also still in high school - once you leave, you'll probably see things from a new perspective in many different aspects that you could not have imagined before. In a few years you'll see this period differently.

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Who you are is never going to obstruct you from finding love. Quite the opposite. By being who you are, you will find it. If you try to put up a front to attract somebody, you will either always have a bit of a wall between you or the facade will eventually fall.

 

I know quite a few girls and guys who are significantly older than you who have also never been in relationships. None of them are defected or not relationship material. They just haven't found the right person for them yet or were busy and focused on other things.

 

If you want to branch out a little bit, ask a girl you are interested in out to a school dance or a date. They will either say yes or no, but if it is a no they are just going to lose out on you. While you may think you don't have enough confidence, being able to stand up and say "No way can I change myself for anyone or anything" shows that you do. Just be secure with yourself and be a gentleman and you are bound to find what you are looking for eventually.

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I felt like you did in high school. I had zero experience with guys and just watched everyone around me find boyfriends. I didn't know if it would ever happen for me. I had my first relationship at 20. I honestly think I just wasn't ready for it until then. You said yourself that you don't feel ready. It took me awhile to feel confident and get to know myself, and I'm glad that I had a relationship later when that all started to happen.

 

And remember, just because people have relationships in high school, doesn't mean that they end up with someone. Some people just date around forever and never settle down.

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i think being 16 is a rough/awkward time for everyone, and you can sometimes feel like you're in a downward spiral. like the others have said, there's nothing abnormal about how you feel like you're introverted. you're still finding yourself. that's what being 16 is all about.

 

i didn't get my first kiss until i was 16 and it was pretty unexpected when it happened. i was painfully shy my whole childhood, but it was around this time when i started finding myself and gained some confidence. since then i've become more and more comfortable with myself and don't have too much trouble holding a conversation with someone anymore. it'll happen for you too. all it takes is one girl or even one friend that makes you feel important and your confidence will begin snowballing from there. don't be afraid to be yourself.

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Who you are is never going to obstruct you from finding love. Quite the opposite. By being who you are, you will find it.

 

I have to take exception to this. I'm 25 and never been on a date. Never even had a reply to a request in the affirmative. Never got a number, nothing.

 

I am always myself, I used to do drama classes and can act when I need to, and usually I don't because it is a lot of effort (and as you pointed out, the facade will crumble). Being yourself works a treat if you get a few nibbles from time to time. I am outgoing, I smile at strangers, I am funny, the life of the party, I can make small talk, but never any interest from girls.

 

In the last 12 months I've asked about 20 girls out. The best response I have received so far is "No thank you". The last time I asked someone out was no later than this afternoon and she said she wouldn't go out with me if she was dead. Which I am still giggling about. Since I don't get positive replies I may as well enjoy the inevitable rejections as best I can!

 

But one thing is apparent, being who I am doesn't work and is a hindrance.

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^I'm going to have to disagree with you (obviously). Being who are might not help you find a million dates, but how can you have real love with somebody without being who you are? You might be going for the wrong women. An obvious example: If you are overweight or out of shape, but you go for the girl with a rock hard body.. then not only will you probably have different lifestyles, but they won't be interested a lot of the time. I'd try women who would appreciate your acting abilities.

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The argument is more changing yourself rather than being yourself or putting on an act. It'd be a bit like fake it till you make it or it because normal for you, but generally speaking the actual changes will be a lot less subtle then something trying to be someone else. Anyway putting on the act is definitely no good because also agreeing here, it takes a lot of effort and it'll just collapse on you.

 

But if you've been yourself for your whole life with nothing, you can't just keep doing that. I would've thought common sense of this one tbh - if someone clearly isn't working you have to change something (doesn't have to be the whole makeover)

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Mguy I'm going to be really blunt: I think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill. I'm 21 and going through the same deal as you, it's not the end of the world. You have a few years before you hit college age to work on your confidence, your social skills, etc. You've really got to put yourself out there for things to work out. Think of it as training if that helps any.

 

It's understandable that girls your age aren't that mature, they get 'more' mature later on but some more than others. As for your shyness, I don't think it's possible to completely get rid of it, but you can learn to talk and socialize better so that it comes off as barely noticeable. Besides that you're still growing up, you'll change over the next few years.

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^I'm going to have to disagree with you (obviously). Being who are might not help you find a million dates, but how can you have real love with somebody without being who you are?

 

I'm not really disputing that. I agree that it is essential. I'm just saying that as advice it is not the be all and end all.

 

If that personality is not of a desirable nature, then you can be yourself as much as you like. It wont get you anywhere.

 

You might be going for the wrong women. An obvious example: If you are overweight or out of shape, but you go for the girl with a rock hard body.. then not only will you probably have different lifestyles, but they won't be interested a lot of the time.

 

Could be. I don't think I am. At first I thought I was too selective. Then I dropped expectations to the floor and still get nowhere.

 

I'd try women who would appreciate your acting abilities.

 

I've been out of that world for a long time. I've been told girls like smart guys. I think I've done reasonable there. Got a few degrees, got published.

 

Nope. They are "geeky", "boring" and "pointless".

 

Maybe girls would like the intrigue and relative uniqueness of my job, an investigator for the government?

 

Nope. It is "creepy" and "lame".

 

The argument is more changing yourself rather than being yourself or putting on an act.

 

Yep, done that. I've been suave, I've been brash. I've changed the way I dress from a slob to being well dressed (and complimented for it). I lost 135lb.

 

I still get told to stand in front of trains.

 

But if you've been yourself for your whole life with nothing, you can't just keep doing that. I would've thought common sense of this one tbh - if someone clearly isn't working you have to change something (doesn't have to be the whole makeover)

 

I wholeheartedly agree with you. If something isn't working, fix it. I used to be massively overweight, a bad dresser, not outgoing, didn't speak to people and overthought things.

 

That's all changed. Not as an act, complete change. I tried the contradictory advice I've been given by many well meaning friends. Be yourself, fake it 'til you make it. Don't go looking, you have to work at it. Still a colossal failure. And at the end of the day, I've asked close to 60 girls out (my best estimate) and never had anything so much as "I'm flattered but...".

 

Reading what I have written makes me sound bitter, which wasn't my intention. I've gotten to the stage of not caring. I can't see it happening, ever. I enjoy the look of panic as a biting put down is quickly thought of, so I take some solace from it all

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I'm sorry, but if girls are telling you they'd rather be dead or you should stand in front of a train...count yourself lucky!! There are polite ways to turn someone down and there's no need to get nasty about it. Unless you asked them out in a way that was severely offensive, I can't believe women react that way.

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confidence is what most people seem attracted to.

 

the reason girls are always attracted to the bad boys and jerks is because they exude confidence in their actions (even if they are incredibly stupid or immature).

 

most jerks are actually confident just not nice people, some of them are actually quite shy/scared but play the part because it causes people to pay attention to them (like girls).

 

Confidence usually tells everyone else that you're comfortable with yourself and who you are... I think women look for confidence in men more-so than the other way around because a lot of times (subconsciously) they're looking for someone who could fill the role of a protector/provider, and someone who is not confident in themselves will not be able to fill that role.

 

Might I recommend going to an open mic night and reading some poetry? you don't have to write anything but just read some stuff that has some meaning to you. When you read just concentrate on the words, you don't have to make eye contact with the audience to start, just listen to your own voice and be passionate about what you're reading. Eventually build up to looking out at the audience and seeing their reaction. Public speaking will help build your confidence immensely not to mention doing so is seen as a great act of confidence in others... who knows maybe you'll even meet someone that way.

 

Taking martial arts classes is good too and a great way to feel confident and comfortable with yourself physically.

 

At the end of the day most girls will expect you to approach them so feeling comfortable and confident in speaking with people is key.

 

if you're nervous about talking with someone ask yourself this "what am I afraid of?" really there's nothing to be afraid of... the worst that can happen is they tell you they don't like you... big deal... you're right back where you started and you haven't lost anything at all... walk away and talk to someone else

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Yes (genuine) confidence is sexy.

Having said that, at 16 you are still trying to figure out who you are. Its an awkward age to be at, i'm 24 at the moment, and only just starting to feel comfortable with myself.

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This isn't specifically to do with the age number (but yeah 16 is way too early to get worried about the future yet! there is that point about maturity, and/or just typical generational behaviour. Like it's kind of stereotypical for the teenages to do what he's described and in the minority it's harder to find someone more "compatible".

Similarly at my 20~30 age level drinking, partying, clubbing, late late nights - basically all the nightlife stuff - is very common, and I'm not into any of that stuff at all. And I don't mean this on meeting people, but chances are you meet someone through college, work, whatever, odds are they will be nightlife person. I personally don't hold anything against them. The problem is not what I think of them, but how they of me. Similar to MGuy you get unattractive or uninteresting tag because you are "boring" to them. I can tell you now NO ONE is getting me into a club or loud bar ever again.

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There are ways to be interesting without being into the nightlife. But you have to go out and live life to be interesting. If you just sit at home all the time, you won't be able to contribute much to a conversation because you don't have as many life experiences. Personally, I'd rather have conversations about someone's travels, job stories, hobbies, etc than a crazy night out at the bar. You have to stop and think about what you bring to the table.

 

Plus if you engage in several activities, again that don't have to be bar/club related, you have a higher chance of meeting like-minded people.

 

And don't be afraid to be set up by friends and family. I've gone on a lot of blind dates. The guy I'm currently talking to, we were set up by my parents' cleaning lady! You just never know, so let everyone around you know that you're willing to be set up.

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I know I've had that thread about "appearing" interesting, but strangely enough haha that's not what I'm talking about here. I really am just putting out the claim of the shallow stereotype here of "you don't club, you are boring" (regardless of what you actually do).

 

I realise eNA-ers won't be like this ... but these people don't go on eNA

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OK, well outside of ENA, I don't have a single friend that thinks you're boring if you don't go to clubs. And my friends are mostly female...so there are women out there that don't want to go clubbing! And like I said, if you go participate in activities that you're interested in, you'll probably find people that think the same way. Or at least have interests outside of going to the club.

 

I hate clubs, but I like going out to the bars. Not every weekend necessarily, but I have fun doing that. The guy I'm talking to isn't really into going out much. That doesn't bother me though because it's more about his company than where we are.

 

You have to expand your horizons in terms of the people you interact with. People who only want to go clubbing just aren't compatible with you. And I don't think there's this huge stereotype of "you're only cool if you go clubbing." Even in college that wasn't a perception I was aware of. Maybe it's more of a personal thought process you have going on that you're projecting to others. Do you feel left out because it's something others enjoy and you don't? It doesn't mean they look down on you for it. And if that is truly the stereotype where you live...you need to move!!! lol

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I know I've had that thread about "appearing" interesting, but strangely enough haha that's not what I'm talking about here. I really am just putting out the claim of the shallow stereotype here of "you don't club, you are boring" (regardless of what you actually do).

 

I realise eNA-ers won't be like this ... but these people don't go on eNA

 

That in itself is a stereotype. Not everyone thinks not clubbing = boring. You gotta get over that dude.

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Again, more misconceptions. Yes there's plenty of 20-30 year olds who club and do the night-life and might find you "boring". But there's plenty of people who do other stuff too to keep busy and wouldn't find you boring for NOT clubbing. You're only boring if you don't do ANYTHING (which seems to be your case, as I have urged you before, get out more!). I have plenty of friends who don't club/drink, or don't club/drink a lot...are they boring? No way.

 

Here's a good sampling of some things my friends do or have done (either regularly or just for fun/trial) - Biking, rollerblading, marathon running, basketball, ice hockey, roller hockey, skiing, snowboarding, judo, golf, squash, tennis, ping pong, badminton, rock-climbing, yoga, ballroom dancing, beach volleyball, soccer, ultimate frisbee...Don't want sports or anything physical? OK how about volunteering, improv/acting class, choir/singing, cooking class, book club, church youth/young adult group...heck I even know one group of friends who play the Battlestar Galactica board game every weekend.

 

I am serious, I know one or more people who do or have done these things. So my question to you is, instead of griping about "not clubbing/not drinking" making people think you're boring...which of those OTHER (non-clubbing/drinking) things are you doing? That's what will make you boring, when you don't do ANYTHING. Not to be mean, but rather frank and for your own good...all I hear are excuses. You hide behind this one excuse that "if I don't club/drink people think I'm boring"...when in reality, if you aren't trying any of the millions of the other things around...well then yeah, you ARE boring. It's not any specific activity itself that's holding you back (clubbing/drinking/whatever), it's your attitude. I bet if we replace "clubbing/drinking" with anything else, you will find another excuse to not step up to the plate and get out there and socialize. You'd say Activity X is too expensive, or you have no time, or you have no one to go with, or I'm not into X, or I'm scared of X, or there aren't many people who do X around here, etc. There's always a million reasons NOT to do something. Just being frank with you pal. My advice, as before, is just to get out there and DO SOMETHING. Just do it. No offense!

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At 16, you've got a LONG ways ahead of you. So take this advice from someone who is not TOO far ahead of you, himself.

 

It's hard to swallow the moniker people label against you at 16 and 17 years old as being TOO young to worry about this sort of thing. You've just hit the road where you're on the building blocks of your life into adulthood. And most of the kids you see now who are your peers will look nothing like they used to look 5 years later, trust me.

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