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Someone comes back asking for a second chance


icarus27

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We met for the first time about 6 months ago. Me 30, her 26. Typical online dating (OLD) contact, good convoes on emails led to a very enjoyable evening having coffee and talking. The unfortunate fact was, she was due to leave town soon .. so nothing was going to take off.

 

After she left, she let me know that she had a new prospective guy she wanted to check out at her new location. I wasn't very hurt because sometimes circumstances are just like that. I just let it be.

 

Fast forward to today. In these 6 months, I was able to land a job and move to England, something I had been wanting to do for years. A month into the new life, I get a surprise mail from her. She'd seen my updated location on the OLD profile - and it turns out I am near her. She wrote what some would say is a moving letter, saying we had got on really well, and admitting it was her bad that she had not made enough of an effort with me ... could I give us a second chance?

 

Of course, some men would balk. Clearly her new prospect didn't work out, by a stroke of luck I have now moved closer to her, without ever planning to. No guy likes being taken as seconds.

 

But I also want a r'ship that works, and is sustainable. I have been in the OLD game long enough to know what jinxes me is hardly ever anything I say or do - it is the over abundant supply of men which sends women crazy and gives rise to a "kid in a candy store" mentality where for every decent guy like me, there are 7 others - richer more handsome etc etc

 

Here is someone who is taking a step towards me. Something hardly any woman does.

 

And to complicate matters, she's a cool girl - but she's not hot. She has a couple of little blemishes on the face which many guys would not overlook. Although I am a guy who actually finds a a lot of women attractive even if they're not "conventionally hot" ... I had to think hard about whether I am ok with the blemishes. I'm far from perfect myself - and in the past I have indeed loved a girl who wasn't gee-whizz hot to start with. I find myself asking myself to give it a chance.

 

Would appreciate any thoughts on the second-time round scenario and I know, although the looks vs personality theme often comes back on eNA, any people want to chip in on that, you're more than welcome.

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I don't think this is technically a "second chance" since you guys weren't really dating to begin with--since she was leaving town.

 

I don't see anything wrong with seeing her again.

 

Of course...it's ALWAYS a gamble!!

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how many blemishes are we talking about? just wondering. i get them too. i wear makeup to cover them though. i think guys that pass me up for that are missing out!!!

 

anyways, i think you should give her a chance. if she broke up because of distance, and now you two are closer - give it a try! the fact that she remembered you and thought of you after all this time is good!!! see what happens. good luck!

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Personal preferences are personal preferences. BUT, IMHO don't rule her out because of blemishes, esp if you like everything else. Blemishes CAN be fixed by a good dermatologist.

 

Now as for being taken as seconds, I can see your point. But life is short and people sometimes make mistakes they genuinely regret. Not everyone including ourselves is going to know right off the bat that "this is it! this is my one true love." After all, you're voicing some doubts yourself. Pride is a silly thing to let get in the way of a potentially good relationship. Esp true since she never really did anything to hurt you.

 

The one thing that might be worrisome is that this may signal some flaky behavior that may just be inherent in her personality or maturity level. But you won't really know that for sure until you give her this second chance. Life is short dude. I say go for it.

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i can see your point in being seconds, but if she had a guy in the wings anyway, dont you feel second best? i know i would, a bit of a back up plan really!

 

you need to make it clear you dont want to be used as a back up plan and save some face of sorts.

 

chances are the other guy was to you as you was to him

 

hope this may help.

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I think you should go for it. See for yourself.

 

I think she sounds pretty cool just based on what you've written so far. She was upfront and honest (when a lot of people wouldn't have said anything!), and she put herself out there to ask for a shot.

 

Blemishes, pfft, first see how a few more dates go.

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I don't even see it as a "seconds" thing. She was moving and this other guy was going to be closer to her than you, so she went with him. It kind of makes sense. She didn't know you all that well and this guy would actually be in her area. Obviously she connected with you enough that she's interested in trying again. I don't see anything wrong with trying it out.

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Thanks for the positive responses, all.

 

Annie, I hate pointing out the imperfections she has - after all don't we all. Maybe blemishes was the wrong word - what they are in fact are a slight squint of the eyes and she's got a l'il gap tooth - in other words her smile isn't perfect.

 

Like I say, a lot of guys who're after hot trophy wives and girlfriends may pass her by. I'm not focussing on it greatly, but I guess it was enough for me to come to eNA and write about.

 

So anyway, I guess when you start to care for someone as a person, these things don't matter, right?

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