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I'm 20 years old and I've never had a girlfriend. Is this normal? ...Is it bad?


Brushstroke
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Not sure where this goes, but I need to rant.

 

It seems like every time my friends and I talk about girls, and I end up saying that I've never been with anyone (not ever kissed, not had sex...nothing), they look at me like I'm a freak of nature. Is it really that strange that I'm 20 and I've never had a girlfriend?

 

I'm a pretty shy person and I don't have a lot of confidence, which I know doesn't really help my situation. I never really talked to a lot of girls other than just as friends in high school -- I was afraid of rejection. I thought things would pick up here in college but, low and behold, I still have that fear. So even now I'm actually a bit afraid to ask a girl out. I simply don't know what to say. At parties or at other social events, girls either don't take notice of me or just laugh if my friends try to hook me up with one of them. Some friends of mine who are girls have said that if they were single they would totally date me, but I don't know if they're serious or if they're just saying that to make me feel better. Physical appearance is also something I worry about. I work out regularly and I'm in good shape, I try to look nice, but the only thing that I'm really bothered about is that I'm so damn pale! I'm pretty white, and I just can't tan -- I only burn. Not much melanin I guess. Is this a turnoff, or what?

 

And, going back to not being able to know what to say...I'm just not sure what whoever that girl might be and I would talk about, were I in that situation. Social skills have always been kind of nil for me; I'm extremely introverted. That's probably a lot of it. But I'm really interested in art as a painter and a writer, and I'm a pretty introspective person. Very intellectual and well-read, I have a very eclectic taste in music, and I'm also a deeply spiritual person (I'm a Christian), so finding someone who shares my religious beliefs is really important to me. But before I find someone who I can hang out with and who I can share things with and whatnot, someone who shares some of my interests and someone who I can actually say 'I love you' to or kiss or hug or all that jazz, I need to be able to talk with her. So there, I don't know how to talk to women.

 

Honestly, it's getting pretty old seeing all of my friends having that special person in their life and being here having no one. It's really lonely.

 

Any thoughts?

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Well first of all you're not weird. I'm 20 also and have only had a few relationships but nothing that lasted too long. I know how you feel...it's like "what's wrong with me that everyone has a gf or bf and not me?" All I can say is maybe you're looking in the wrong places. I always tried to date people that I had met at parties or at college, but that's not really a great place to find a relationship. I'd say if you're looking for someone with your same religion maybe join some sort of group that is about that maybe they have one at your school? Or even a painting class or poetry club or something where you can meet girls that have the same interest as you so it's easy for you to start up a conversation.

 

As for being pale everyone has different turn ons. I like when guys wear hats and don't have facial hair. Some people like when guys don't wear hats and are covered in hair. It all depends on the girl so don't feel paranoid.

 

I think you should go for it and ask someone on a date that you like. If you think about it the worst that could happen is the person says no. I've been rejected a lot in college because most guys only wanted one thing that i wasn't willing to give them right away, but its ok you learn to move on. After "dating" a few dozen guys and getting rejected I finally met my current bf who accepted me for who I am. The only way you are going to find someone is if you put urself out there. The perfect girl isn't going to just fall into your lap. Have confidence and go for it...

 

Hope this helps a little

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Don't worry about it man. When I was 20 I think i had been on maybe 3 dates. i didn't get into my first relationship until I was 22, and that was more heartache than it was worth. I spent the majority of my 20's single, a few date here and there. i'm now 34 and I've had a few serious relationships and the only reason they ended was because the other person wasn't able to commit as much as i was able to. There are times when being alone sucks, but it is even worse when you focus on it. Keep your relationship with God first and foremost in your life and things will work out to His plan. You never know you maymeet someone great in a church group very soon or in five years, don't try to force things and make yourself miserable in the process.

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ALL about the confidence... Just join meet up groups for things you're good at. or like brokenheart311 said, maybe you'll meet someone at a church group. I'd stay away from meeting girls at bars or parties as most likely you'll be at the disadvantage. Its hard to talk about the subjects that interest you at those social events, so unless you're game for hours of boring talk about how wasted you were last weekend don't waste your time there for romantic purposes. try to meet people at art festivals or something similar.

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Never understood why people feel the need to broadcast the fact that they're dateless, sexless, etc. I'm 24 and none of my closest friends know I've never had a girlfriend. There's just no need to tell anybody about it, and if they don't know, they can't treat you like a freak of nature or go above and beyond the call of duty to try and hook you up with someone (which is typically more embarrassing than helpful).

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Never understood why people feel the need to broadcast the fact that they're dateless, sexless, etc. I'm 24 and none of my closest friends know I've never had a girlfriend. There's just no need to tell anybody about it, and if they don't know, they can't treat you like a freak of nature or go above and beyond the call of duty to try and hook you up with someone (which is typically more embarrassing than helpful).

 

Agreed.

 

I turn 20 pretty soon and am in the same never had a girlfriend/kiss/whatever and I generally don't go out of my way to tell people. If the topic becomes directed at me, I just lie. If you have moral issues or whatever with that, then maybe instead you can just make misleading statements and then try and rationalize it later...I dunno.

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Never understood why people feel the need to broadcast the fact that they're dateless, sexless, etc. I'm 24 and none of my closest friends know I've never had a girlfriend.

+1. I don't think telling people about it is a great idea. It definitely does NOT help you get dates.

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I'm not a virgin but I am 20 years old and never had a girlfriend either. I say hire an escort and lose your virginity first, this will help you in demystifying women and also give you experience. Next make sure you act more masculine and not like a "nerd" (considering you are in the IT I am afraid you may be closer to this label and women are extremely unattracted to these types).

 

Then again, you can just wait until your IT career takes off. When you have a really good job you will see how all those female friends will start to become romantically interested in you.

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it really is all about confidence.

 

I had a number of good relationships before I was 20, but I have my friends to thank for that. they'd come up to me and tell me "word is that so and so thinks your cute, go ask her out..." it made it a lot easier to approach people if you knew that your chance of rejection was practically nothing. A lot of women feel it's the mans job to approach them, only the most outgoing or confident of the bunch seem to break that stereotype and the shy women of course are the least likely to make the first move on you.

 

it's not always true but for most intents and purposes you will never meet a woman unless you approach and talk to them.

 

you shouldn't just walk up to someone and say "want to go out sometime" I mean some women might go for that but some might be put off also. Ideally you should just strike up a conversation on a mutual topic... if you share a class with them "can you believe that assignment we just got..." or if you're in a movie watchers club together "so what did you think about the part where...?" or if you just saw someone standing in a store trying to get away from the rain "so how long do you think it will be before this lets up?" it might take a question or two to get them to open up but once you start a conversation then work your way into asking them out... "I'd really like to talk to you some more... how can I get a hold of you?"

 

I had a friend in college who had never had a girlfriend... he had all the best qualities that most women seem to look for in an SO: smart, witty, kind, good looking, well off... e was just very shy when it came to women and he concentrated most of his time on his studies. He didn't start dating until after he had graduated and he's been happily married for a few years now.

 

I think there are a few traps people fall into... getting help from your friends is good, but not necessarily setting you up on blind dates. I can't imagine a more perfect person for me than my fiancee, but most of my friends scratched their heads when we first started dating... I don't think any of them would know me well enough to know what I really wanted in an SO.

 

The key is to meet people doing things that you like to do... if you like to go to clubs and bars, then that is a perfect place to meet people. If you're not a club/bar person... then don't go there... Finding social groups that do the kinds of things you're interested in doing is a great place to meet someone who will have similar interests to your own. And if nothing else it will give you a great ice breaker topic. When going to school that is obviously a mutual interest. And there are things you can do now to help meet people like speed dating or eharmony.

 

another one of my college friends had one brief relationship and nothing else. He was into hiking and quite outdoorsy... after college he started a hiking group that would go for hikes around the area he lives and through that he met a woman who also loved hiking and the two of them have been together for a few years now.

 

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so in short...

-find social groups where you can meet people (both male and female) that have similar interests to you... don't go there to find a mate but plan on just having fun.

-if you see someone you'd like to know better go up to and talk to her, start up a conversation about something you have in common before asking her out or asking for her number.

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There is nothing wrong with being a virgin, never kissed anyone or dated anyone. Worst thing is lieing just be yourself and dont care what others say or think of you. You will meet a girl someday who likes that you never had sex, dated or kissed. Theres women who thinks thats sexy. You will meet someone some day and will be glad you waited for the right one and will have those feelings of love that are strong and didnt waste on a 100 relationships in the past.

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Never understood why people feel the need to broadcast the fact that they're dateless, sexless, etc. I'm 24 and none of my closest friends know I've never had a girlfriend. There's just no need to tell anybody about it, and if they don't know, they can't treat you like a freak of nature or go above and beyond the call of duty to try and hook you up with someone (which is typically more embarrassing than helpful).

 

For me, the reason why I'm usually honest about it, is because I figure maybe someone will be able to give advice or try to help in some way. If I lie, then the opportunity for someone to help me may not come up.

 

Plus I'm a terrible liar anyway. I usually don't tell people out of the blue, it's been because the subject has come up.

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Forget "normal" or "abnormal". What you really need to think about is whether it's desirable or not to be inexperienced in relationships. Some people find that they do just fine without relationships, whereas others find they do best within one.

 

If you feel that the dating scene is for you, just know that even IF you land a beautiful relationship, chances are that you will be disappointed. But consider this; there are lots of people in screwy relationships who seem to have no clue what they're doing, while there are others who socialize quite well without letting the stress get to them. In many respects, dating and relationships are like jobs; it can be hell trying to land one and even tougher to keep. Yet if you take the time to observe and learn from the mistakes of others, it'll be much easier for you to deal with in the long run.

 

You are in a clean-slate position to do this; take advantage of it.

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  • 1 year later...

LBS, pretty callous and hypocritical response from you. What if someone said to you, "I'm 40, I find it stupid a 28-year old is worrying about this. Come back when you're 40". The OP's situation may be slightly different from yours, but you cannot say his fears and pain are any different from yours. You are not him. You're coming off as a bitter 28-year old who can only focus on his own pain and not empathize or even sympathize with someone else's (at least, in this case, the OP's). Plus, who determines what the "cut-off" age is for this to be a real problem? No one. If the person feels that pain and frustration, then it is valid to them in their context, no matter what their age. Maybe this attitude is why you are still a 28-year old V-card carrier. I'm not trying to be harsh, but your callous response to the OP warrants it. Good luck, you'll need it.

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You may feel a lot like the dateless wonder right about now, but take it from somebody who's been in that boat before, you really aren't missing out on a whole lot but a bunch of drama. But that doesn't mean that you can't meet anybody nice, you just have to be careful who you run into and learn to avoid women who are bad for you.

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You're right, and I apologize. It was simply frustration driving my response, but I guess you can be frustrated at any age.

 

To the OP, though...being 20 and never having had a girlfriend is normal. There are loads of people your age who have never had partners. You'll be fine.

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LBS I agree that it is normal to not have a partner at 20 years old & there's no real rush per-say. Thing is you have to look at the reasons for being single. The OP is clearly struggling & it's better to address his lack of confidence & issues now...not when he gets older.

 

I'm 20 years old & I'm trying to improve...even at my "young" age it's difficult for me to do what most high schoolers or even middle school kids can do.

 

I'm not trying to pick a fight as I know what you're trying to do LBS to improve yourself (which I commend you on that). My 2 cents is that the OP should be doing the same thing.

 

 

-Jake

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