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I failed at NC, and this soldier feels defeated :(


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I don't know what it is but recently my ex has creeped back into my life and all my progress has been thrown out the window because i can no longer control my emotions. I have tried to move on, and for the most part i feel like i have but with her unblocking me, the constant dreams and than an interesting conversation i had with an old friend of mine, she basically put my whole story together and in her opinion believes that my ex was seeing someone else before we even broke up, and i didn't catch the signs.

 

Since hearing that, the dreams and the unblocking, i've been on a downward spiral till finally after almost 3 months i broke NC. I simply sent her a text today saying that its been awhile and i was wondering how she was doing. So after pretty much 3 months of no contact at all, she is still ignoring me.

 

I realize that breaking NC was a huge mistake, and that i should have stuck to it but i could not control my emotions any further. I feel like a complete idiot, i've already gotten sick from it, i can't even eat and i haven't been sleeping to well at all, averaging 3 hours of sleep a night. I don't know what to do at this point besides continuing NC. I feel so lost right now that i have 0 urge to even do anything. :sad:

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Oh Casmut

 

Sorry you are feeling so down fella. I know it can be so tough not to contact and it sucks if you get no response if you do.

 

You are not an idiot - look around on here, you aren't the first person to feel weak and you sure won't be the last.

 

Tell your friend you don't won't to hear any more opinions, and stick your head down and start no contact again.

 

I have been in your shoes bud and I send you some hugs because I know those * * * * ty feelings that you cannot eat or sleep and nothing seems worthwhile - they are the worst in the world. All I can promise you is that this will get better, but be kind on yourself, ok? Try to eat at least a little soup, anything at all you can down, and if you are sleepless, get up and do something else - I even found myself cleaning at 3am! Sleep when you are tired.

 

Come on soldier, you are no use to anyone like this.

 

Keep back on here mate, I found it a great help.

 

Mark

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We've all done it at some point Casmut...so don't beat yourself up here. I've broken NC in the past when I was first on the board here after a few months...it prompted me to post this...

 

...it might help you, as for me, that period between 3 and 6 months was really tough, but I realized after a time I had idealized her and the relationship. By not hearing from her with that broken NC, it sort of helped snap me back to reality, and I actually felt stronger and more purposeful (moving away from her, as opposed to still hoping she'd come back. Hang in there!

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Hi I also am struggling this week after maintaining no contact for 8weeks(8years together)..I have written him letters..TO MYSELF.. I then read them ,..and throw them away!!!..I also remind myself of what was wrong with our relationship, and I reassure myself that I know I did all I could to make it work..I try to think very logically and rationally. Self awareness plays a huge role in healing and sometimes it is very difficult for many people to be brutally honest with themselves and really recognise WHY their relationship failed..and what their own contributions to its demise were either intentionally or not..i try not to wallow in negative thoughts of HOWS? and WHY? AND IF ONLY WE? they are what I call "crazy making" thoughts and they have no value apart from making us feel worse and blowing things up bigger in our head(logical thought process)..I also ensure that I do things that I enjoy doing by myself and it really helps, Staying in touch with friends also WITHOUT discussion of your ex is always a good idea..COncentrate on what you really need in your future and ACCEPT what you have lost..AND NOT REACHING ACCEPTANCE is really nothing short of putting a HANDBRAKE on your ability to heal..Once you have reached acceptance your are 3/4 of the way through your healing and only the things that you make happen in your life thereafter will complete your happiness. Write some of your immediate short term goals on the fridge they can be something as simple as getting up and cleaning your room..or going for a jog or walk..these little things add up over time in our general well being ..MAKE sure you do one thing EVERYDAY on your list..Do something you have put off soley because you were in a relationship and no longer are. Look after yourself physically..exercise gets the endorphines flowing, SO TAKE advantage and start doing just that.... For me I have started swimming laps again and the dog is as happy as larry as he is finally getting walked everyday.. WHEN possible walk instead of drive to run errands its amazing who you meet or may chat with along the way, that can lift your day.. The mind is a powerful thing..think about this..do you want to allow your own mind to make you feel down...you can change this..So every time a negative though comes into play BLOCK IT and replace it with one about just you, and one of YOUR goals for future happiness OR a chore youv'e been putting off. IT DOES work..you will be surprised..AND remember one thing, whenever you get yourself very depressed over thoughts of your ex, ALL you are in effect doing is giving ALL OF YOUR POWER to someone who does not wish or is no longer in your life on ANY level SILLY isnt it?? Good luck to you..make it happen like only YOU can...

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Hi Rachel

 

It stinks for sure - there are no two ways about it, eh? The good news is that it is not gonna kill you but I know it doesn't feel that way right now - far from it.

 

I am going to post on your thread so we don't take over Casmut's thread - hope that is ok?

 

Mark

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Thank you all for your replies and words of wisdom, it means a lot to me and its greatly appreciated.

 

I shouldn't be beating myself up over this, and i guess by now i should be over her. I honestly thought i was, perhaps i just want the truth even if it were to cause more heartache, at the very least it would bring a close to this chapter in my life. I felt that our break up was based on rash decisions, because it was due to our careers leading us into different directions, well..at least thats what our final conversation was about. I really do not know if there was someone else.

 

I've always been a resilient person, both physically and mentally. In passed relationships things seemed easier than they are now, but i can't grasp why i'm taking things harder now. I have had recent loss in my life which may be the cause of my uncontrolled emotions, i do not know. In any case, i have tried many things to keep my mind off my ex and for the most part they have worked until recently. I exercise constantly, physical fitness is part of my job and even doing that hasn't been helping much. ENA has been a great help however, i have learned a lot from all the great people here.

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You are doing all the right stuff...and it does take longer than we want. My current frustration is that is took me over a year to really get over the breakup that brought me to ENA in 2007, and then I fell in love about 6 months ago and now that's ended, so I feel like I'm back at the beginning, even though my head knows much better, my heart still aches. My experience at about 3 months or so was that I'd gotten good at survival mode, there were times I'd almost forget her for periods of hours...but then, a song on the radio or some other stupid thing would jolt me right back into that painful place.

 

I finally quit fighting it...decided the only way I could get through it was not by trying to ignore it, but by feeling it until I was literally sick of it...sick of the longing, the questions, the things I would have done differently, etc. So use this as a chance to really feel it...I found that what that did was actually accelerate the grieving process for me, and it became less about her but more about my own hopes, dreams and inability to think I deserved those without her. At about 6 months, I was really sick of thinkng about her, and I can't explain how, but the entire process became easier as I think I finally realized there was nothing she could say or do that would help me understand why she left...and that ultimately it wasn't about closure, it was about my own acceptance of the situation. I'm telling myself these same things now after a month out of this most recent breakup...act as if and the feelings will follow. Trust the path your on, even as a lot of days it feels bad. Physical exercise is a key piece to it for me as well....I have to run, lift or bike every day. Sleeping too...although that's the one I struggle with in the early weeks and months.

 

You are doing great given the time...even though I know it doesn't feel like it.

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I am with you there bro. Some relationships seem a doddle to get over and others suck.

 

It is ok to have some downtime - a bit of a relapse and it is normal so you are normal. Just try to pick yourself up from the downtime and realise, hey, I can do this.

 

You will get there fella - please try to look forward and realise that things were fine before her and they sure as hell will be alright after her - tough as it seems right now.

 

You will soon be back to that resiliant you and kick your butt for why you could let this get you so down!

 

Chin up mate, and if you can manage it - a smile.

 

Mark

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Perhaps i should try to embrace the full emotion of the loss and not ignore it like Coyote said, maybe it will make things easier in the end run. I was doing great up till this week, i think that conversation with my friend is what may have pushed me over edge. She still hasn't replied to me, i doubt she will too.

 

This relationship was so much more i think since her and i were friends for years prior to us dating, and i guess the loss of that effects me. Before her and i started dating, i had suffered a major loss with my father passing away. She was well aware of this before we started dating too, losing her was another big loss to me. I guess im just overwhelmed.

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I know it's rough, but my recipe so far for maintaining NC has been:

 

1. Do whatever the hell you want. Enjoy it.

 

2. Sleep problems - pop some melatonin. It's natural and it helps a lot.

 

3. Be heartless. Yes, you're probably going to look like a jerk for ignoring/feeling ill will towards her, but at a time like this, it helps quite a bit. You need to defend your heart above all else.

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It's tough when they were friends before, because we remember the relationship when it was easy and we had all of our power. In a breakup, we lose our personal power. I think for me the most important piece of NC is that I no longer am giving that away to someone who is not the person she once was. It sounds like you really had a double dose of loss with your father's passing, and it's natural to feel other loses now that this relationship no longer exists for you. I feel much the same way, as I've experieced a lot of loss in my life. While the most recent ex's face is still the one we long for, I would suggest that when we experience a breakup, it triggers all sorts of stuff that we haven't necessarily grieved as fully as we might think. Be good to yourself, keep exercising, and know that this will fade from your emotional memory over the next few months and become something you think about, but don't feel in your gut like you do now.

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I really need to rebuild my guard and protect my heart at all costs, i cannot allow any further damage, its just not healthy for me at all. For the most part things were going just great, i did use one of your methods Seymore and thats feeling ill towards her. And yeah it helped, but i guess i just had a relapse. She hasn't yet replied to me, and i really don't expect to ever hear from her. Although i still hope she does..

 

I will continue doing what i was doing, sides breaking NC of course. I need to exercise, and i may just take it to a whole new level if i have too. Thank you all for the replies here, it has really helped me get through a tough weekend.

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