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Rock Bottom - Don't know what to do


Gillymac

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My BF broke up with me on 5th May after 1.5 very happy years together as a result of our first ever disagreement.

 

2 weeks prior to our break up, his best friend and his girl split. No surprise to any of us in their circle of friends as they had constantly been fighting for a long time. The girl had been calling me and texting me constantly for support, and I had tried to help her the best I could. During one conversation, she told me that her ex had told her that my guy would dump me next, as he only wanted a girlfriend because he (the friend) had one...

 

Anyway, on the 5th of May we were heading back to my house after picking up some takeout and my guy remarked that he would like to have a couple of nights out a month with the boys, which I said was fine as long as he didn't stay out all night (on these "boys nights" they often get so drunk that their incapable of getting out of bed for the rest of the weekend). Well he flipped, told me he couldn't be in a relationship where there is no trust and finished with me. He made me pull the car over and got out to walk home. I got hysterical and tried to follow him, begging him to just come home and talk to me etc. I also ashamed to say I made a foolish remark about killing myself if he left me.

 

The following day, he sent me a text saying he didnt want to lose me, but he couldn't be in a relationship with no trust, plus he couldn't cope with me emotionally blackmailing him. I went to see him and he reiterated the above but cried and told me that he loved me. When I got home I wrote him a letter which I mailed the following day.

 

I have been an emotional wreck since. I was unable to work for a week and a half, am barely sleeping and am vomiting everytime I eat something. There has been no contact from him to me at all since the break up and none from me to him since I mailed the letter (which I am told by his mother that he received, but did not read).

 

The general consensus from people is that he finished with me in order to go out partying with his friend. He just turned 29, his friends are all much younger, and both of his siblings (older sister, younger brother) are married one has just had a baby, and the other is expecting. Is he running scared of committment? His family had all expected us to get married. Most of his stuff is at my house (he still lives at home with his Mother) and he has keys to my place, but has made no attempt to pick anything up.

 

I have no family or friends of my own, so I haven't just lost him, I've lost my whole life. None of our mutual friends (or his family, who always treated me as one of their own) have contacted me to offer any support and although I didn't mean it at the time, I'm now starting to think that maybe taking my own life is the only solution. I'm going through the motions of living, but this is not a LIFE. I'm 34 and this has only been my second serious relationship. The first, which lasted 8 years, was with a physically, emotionally and sexually abusive alcoholic and only ended because he eventually tried to kill me. I survived that, but my most recent partner (who was my friend for 10 years before anything happened between us and therefore knows all about my past) truly is the love of my life and I dont have the will or the strength to try and start all over again.

 

I want to speak to him so badly, but I'm scared that if I try and he rejects me again it might push me over the edge. I know that NC is meant to be about my healing, but I keep wondering if he is even thinking about me at all. To go from such closeness to nothing at all is just devastating. I just want him to come home and work with me to make things right.

 

Sorry for the long post

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You keep going after these loser guys. If this guy truly broke up with you because his friend broke up with his girlfriend it doesn't say much about him. What I am wondering, however, if your comment about him not staying out all night was simply the last straw for him. If you have no friends and you made him your whole life, perhaps you were two needy and clingy in the relationship and this was the finally straw for him, together with your threat of killing yourself. At 34 you need to be more independent and not hinge all your happiness on the presence of a partner. You need to go out and make your own friends and your own life. Being this sick because he has dumped you is not good. Do not contact him at all. Live your life. If you contact him it will just turn him away even more. Show him that you don't need him..that you can survive quite well without him. Make your own friends and don't rely on his friends and family.

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Oh Gilly, I am so so sorry that you are going through. I know EXACTLY what you are going through as I was there 2 years ago.

 

First, you HAVE to eat, to get energy. Part of the way you are feeling, that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach is from lack of food and nourishment and the reason you don't have any energy. If you are like me you've been just laying around in bed feeling empty. Start with soup and bread and tea if you like something light no meats.

 

Next, you should talk with someone, even if they are not in your same town. I know you said you don't have family there, but can you call someone, just say you need to talk. People usually understand in times of need and crisis, and you talking about taking your life is a crisis. So please see a therapist or find a hot line, you can try 1-800-SUICIDE OR 1-800-273-TALK.

 

It will be hard, but please don't contact him or accept any calls from him right now. It has been two years and once in a while I still think about what my ex is doing, he was apart of my life for 1 1/2 years as your ex was apart of yours. The memories don't ever go away, I want to let you know that so you will realized it will take time and it's ok to think about him. IMO, I say allow yourself to think about it, think it through, but don't act on anything right now.

 

It's hard but go back to work, the routine will start the process of allowing some time where your mind is not thinking about him. The goal right is to get you to a point where you are functional not to get you over this in one day.

 

I am sure others will post some insight so I will leave it at that for now, but I will be back to check on you.

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On these "boys nights" they often get so drunk that their incapable of getting out of bed for the rest of the weekend.

 

He made me pull the car over and got out to walk home.

 

He still lives at home with his Mother

 

 

I know that you're in a lot of pain right now, and I'm sorry. I know how that feels because I've been there. But look at what I've quoted above- he sounds like he doesn't deserve the pedestal you've placed him on. What kind of a guy pulls over the car and makes a woman walk?

 

Nobody is worth taking your own life. It may seem that you don't have the energy to start over, but you do. You just need some time to mourn the loss first. Give yourself that time to heal and whatever you do, don't contact him. You should also cut off contact with the family (you mentioned talking to his mother) and when you're feeling better, maybe start working on building your own support network so that your next relationship doesn't find you as dependent on your partner.

 

I would also recommend seeing a therapist if you're not already. I did that after a particularly hard breakup and it helped me a lot. You have to really consider- lots of people have breakups after 20 years of marriage, deal with infidelity, etc., so you can make it through this. I'm not saying that people have it worse so that you shouldn't feel bad, just that the situation could have been a lot more complicated. Be glad he showed you who he is before you had a few kids and shared finances with him.

 

Hang in there and please remember that your life is important. He did not make you who you are.

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I think she was driving and was forced to pull over so that HE could get out and walk. Regardless, still very immature of him.

 

Oh, I see now. My apologies, o.p. But yes, still immature, and this added to still living with his mother at 29, and still going out getting blind drunk, I'd say there are some issues with this guy.

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I think she was driving and was forced to pull over so that HE could get out and walk. Regardless, still very immature of him.

 

Yes, she can't see it now, but this guy was very very immature, just as my ex was. His friend's influence mattered more than her, reminds me so much of my ex.

 

My ex, who also lived at home with his mother, in one of our last conversations he said something that cleared up everything and made me realize with men at this point in their lives should be tatooed with CAUTION on them, he said

 

" I am better at being a friend than being a boyfriend"

 

Gilly's boyfriend didn't say it, but if he did this because his friend broke up with his girlfriend even if it's not the only reason then he is also saying I am a better friend than I am a boyfriend, spouse and father and he was no where close to thinking about marriage.

 

So Gilly please try to see that he did you a favor and didn't waste more of your precious time.

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This guy clearly has issues and in the long run you are better shot of him. Before embarking on another relationship, you really need to take care of and nurture yourself - let yourself know what it is you really need (not from another person) and build up your own interests, circle of friends etc.

 

However, I have to say that if someone threatened to kill themselves if I finished a relationship - you wouldn't see me for dust!!!! Please be nice enough to yourself not to use this one again!

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To quote Crazyaboutdogs signature:

 

Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

Franklin P. Jones

 

I appreciate your comments thusfar, however I would like to clarify a few points which may help you understand how I have come to be at the lowest point in my life.

 

1. I am an orphan - I do not have any family to turn to for help, support or even company. I have been in this situation for many years and have always taken pride in my self reliance and independence. Far from being needy or clingy, I actively encouraged my ex to see his friends, particularly his best friend since his breakup. Since we only really saw each other on weekends (allbeit all weekend - he would stay at mine from Friday to Sunday) this is why I was anxious that he not waste our quality time together with a hangover.

 

2. I do not "go after" loser guys, or any guys really. My new ex was my friend for many, many years before he suggested taking our relationship to the next level. For the record, I had been out of my previous, abusive relationship for 2 years without dating anyone before we started going out.

 

3. I confess that I have trust issues in regards to making friends. This is because I realised how fickle and shallow people are when you have problems in your life. Most of my so called "friends" abandoned me when I was trying to deal with my previous partners alcoholisim. I think this is why it has hit me particularly hard that once again, people who I thought genuinely liked me for me, regardless of the fact that i was in a relationship with someone who they were friends with first, or are related to, have abandoned me again.

 

4. Despite everything that I have been through in my life, I have never been suicidal before. I love this man so deeply that I cannot envisage carrying on with life without him by my side. I have lived with nothing before and I have come to understand that this is not living, it is existing, which frankly, is not good enough. I am prepared to accept your comments that he is immature and I agree with you, but this does not make him a bad person. We had never had a single cross word between us before and he has always treated me with respect, compassion, love, kindness and generosity - I was given no warning that a "final straw" was approaching. I just think that he has been feeling pressurised (by his family, not me) given the fact that he's coming up on thirty, his siblings have settled and have families etc. His friends are all considerably younger that him (those his own age are again, settled with families) which is why he wants to participate in their party lifestyle.

 

I just want advice as to whether I should continue going through the hell of NC in the hope that once he has a few weeks of partying himself sick he will come to realise that what we had is worth fighting for and come back, if not, I will accept this and wish him nothing but happiness in his life.

 

What I then decide to do will be based on the certain knowledge that I have nothing else to lose.

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I think you should continue NC, and in the meantime get help for yourself. Even if he was the most wonderful man in the world, an emotionally healthy individual would not be considering suicide. Almost everyone has been where you are- the feelings are real, for sure- but if you are missing that survival instinct, then you need to get some real help.

 

From what you've written, it doesn't seem like he is reacting to pressures from his family. He's 29 years old, and likely does what he wants when he wants. No amount of pressure keeps people away if they truly want to be with someone. I'm not discounting the relationship you had- it sounds like you were happy. But that is in the past, and what you need to focus on now is your present and your future. It seems that you think he is just going to go through a phase of partying and come back, but do you honestly want to be with someone who could risk losing you so easily?

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In short, yes I do.

 

I started seeing a therapist yesterday. I am not planning on killing myself this very minute. I am totally alone in the world and need to make arrangements for the wellbeing of my pets and put my affairs in order before I do anything. I am aware that I am clinically depressed however this means that I can legally obtain assistance in ending my life from a service in Switzerland - which is safer than doing it myself because a) the drugs they prescribe for you are guaranteed to kill you - meaning no chance of me ending up a vegetable from a botched self attempt and b) I will not have to put anybody through the trauma of finding my body at home. I will simply sell the house, tell everyone that I'm emigrating, take one last trip around the world and then die and be cremated with dignity in Switzerland. No one here will ever know what happened.

 

I may not be emotionally healthy, but I am rational enough to have put a bit of thought into how to go about ending this misery. No one this unhappy should be forced to go on living for one more second than necessary.

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I hope that on the trip around the world (which is a great idea, despite the morbid context) you realize that he is one man in a world of millions, and you ditch your plan to kill yourself.

 

You are right that nobody should have to live in misery. But it's not that black and white- the choices aren't live in misery or commit suicide. There's lots of gray area in between, some of which you started putting into place already, like therapy.

 

I hope that you can find some happiness in today, and that each coming day gets easier for you.

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The therapy is a requirement of the Swiss clinic - I need a solid diagnosis of clinical depression before they will agree to treat me. Trust me, I took no pleasure yesterday in going over the finer points of my parents death, before moving on to the the police and medical reports from my first LTR. "Yes...your life has been an abject failure, hasn't it?"

 

Life with my ex was in full glorious technicolour. I have no wish to revert to seeing life as shades of grey (been there, done that).

 

There are a few places I would like to see before I go & if I sell the house I'll have the money. Might as well spend it, I've nobody to leave it to. I'm not going to look for a man. I don't need a man. I had the man. Nobody else could ever hope to compare.

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I had the man. Nobody else could ever hope to compare.

 

I do not mean to disrespect your relationship, and I know you are in terrible pain right now. But I still cannot believe that a 29-year-old man who lives with his mother and drinks too much, dumps his gf cruelly and without warning, and now refuses to even acknowledge a letter she's written, is *the* man.

I used to say the same things about my ex. How we never fought, how happy we were, how perfect he was, how perfect the relationship was. But after I got a little bit of time under my belt, perspective kicked in. Nobody is perfect and he was far from it. It just takes some time away to see this.

 

Your life has not been a failure. It is far from over (unless you choose otherwise).

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I do not mean to disrespect your relationship, and I know you are in terrible pain right now. But I still cannot believe that a 29-year-old man who lives with his mother and drinks too much, dumps his gf cruelly and without warning, and now refuses to even acknowledge a letter she's written, is *the* man.

I used to say the same things about my ex. How we never fought, how happy we were, how perfect he was, how perfect the relationship was. But after I got a little bit of time under my belt, perspective kicked in. Nobody is perfect and he was far from it. It just takes some time away to see this.

 

Your life has not been a failure. It is far from over (unless you choose otherwise).

 

I agree. I think travelling would actually be a very good idea...maybe not a long trip for now, but perhaps book yourself a tour somewhere with a tourgroup. A two week tour where you are seeing wonderful sites and connecting with people in your tour group. This change of pace may put a fresh perspective on things and put the bounce back into your step. This one man is not so special that it is worth taking your life.

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His best friend and his girlfriend got back together last Thursday. Its as if they have never been apart...

 

Saw him on Tuesday night. Could not bear it anymore. Cordial enough chat. Both got a little emotional. He want to be friends for now and "see how it goes". Whatever that means.

 

Sent him a message last night to advise him that a mutual friend had come through his throat surgery okay. Thanked him for seeing me on Tuesday and added that I hoped I would hear from him soon. No response.

 

My heart feels like its breaking every single day. So much pain. Managing to eat 1 small meal a day, but usually vomit it back up. sleeping approximately 3hrs a night. Just wish it was all over....

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I do not mean to disrespect your relationship, and I know you are in terrible pain right now. But I still cannot believe that a 29-year-old man who lives with his mother and drinks too much, dumps his gf cruelly and without warning, and now refuses to even acknowledge a letter she's written, is *the* man.

I used to say the same things about my ex. How we never fought, how happy we were, how perfect he was, how perfect the relationship was. But after I got a little bit of time under my belt, perspective kicked in. Nobody is perfect and he was far from it. It just takes some time away to see this.

 

Your life has not been a failure. It is far from over (unless you choose otherwise).

 

 

Sweetie, please listen to this. You would be amazed how many of us have been there, even those with children who perhaps sometimes have been saved by them...

 

The dilemma is that if he has a clue just how bad and desparate you are feeling he may want to run for the hills - maybe after speaking to his best mate etc. He doesn't seem to have taken any responsibility for making you feel this way and is being very ignorant about your needs and feelings. It's easy to lose yourself in alcohol and partying and he probably is not giving much consideration and is oblivious to anything else.

 

You have to harden up. Listen to the therapist. Forget Switzerland, that's just for those people with uncurable illnesses. I know it won't do any good for me to say you have your whole life ahead of you as that's probably the last thing you want to think. Been there.

 

But you SHOULD get angry. Read the posts back and the objective comments you've received. Go and look at some other posts. After that, if you can, think about whether you want to contact him again. When he said 'he wanted to be friends' and 'let's see how it goes' what did you say? What did you WANT to say? Maybe you should say it, be prepared for a negative response and walk off with your head held high. At least you will have been honest and strong. He's immature, so he may come after you. Decide what you might do then. But listen to people's advice and consider telling him he isn't worth the pain he has caused you. Take care and *hug*.

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